The One With Ross' Thing

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Friends season three September 1996 - May 1997 List of Friends episodes
Episodes: The One with the Princess Leia Fantasy The One Where No One's Ready The One with the Jam The One With the Metaphorical Tunnel The One with Frank, Jr. The One with the Flashback The One with the Race Car Bed The One with the Giant Poking Device The One with the Football The One Where Rachel Quits The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister The One with All the Jealousy The One Where Monica and Richard Are Just Friends The One with Phoebe's Ex-partner The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break The One the Morning After The One Without the Ski Trip The One with the Hypnosis Tape The One with the Tiny T-Shirt The One with the Dollhouse The One with a Chick. And a Duck. The One with the Screamer The One with Ross's Thing The One with the Ultimate Fighting Champion The One at the Beach

"The One With Ross' Thing" is the twenty-third episode of season three of the television situation comedy Friends.

First aired: May 1, 1997

Spoiler warning: Plot and/or ending details follow.

[edit] Plot

The episode begins with Chandler and Joey discussing the possibility of their chick and duck mating - Joey says they could call it Chuck; Chandler suggests they could call it Dick. Just then, Ross comes in with a problem - while showering, he discovered a growth on his body. It's in a place not "visually accessible," so he needs the guys to help him figure out what it is and thusly drops his pants. They don't know what it is, but decide it's not a mole or pimple. Rachel walks in on them.

Phoebe is taking new boyfriend Vince - a burly fireman - on a tour of the coffeehouse. Rachel seems to think Phoebe has a date that night with Jason, a sensitive Kindergarten teacher. She's right - Phoebe's dating both simultaneously. And, naturally, they don't know about each other.

Ross went to his doctor to see if he could identify the growth, and gets a good news/bad news scenario handed to him. The good news: It's benign. The bad news: The doctor doesn't know what it is, and as a result is reluctant to remove it. Chandler then suggests Ross go see his doctor (who removed Chandler's third nipple).

After getting a message from Pete saying "We need to talk," Monica becomes convinced that he's about to break up with her. Joey helpfully suggests that they're not breaking up - but maybe Pete just cheated on her.

While Phoebe's out with Jason, a car catches fire. Jason suggests they call the fire department; since Phoebe is trying to keep Vince and Jason from finding out about each other she suggests they run off instead. She soon feels that dating two men simultaneously is a lot of work, and decides to dump one of them - but can't decide who.

Ross goes to Chandler's doctor, Dr. Rhodes, to figure out what the "thing" is. Dr. Rhodes can't identify it - and neither can about 15 of his colleagues, all gathered around Ross's hind end to try and figure out what it was.

While over at Pete's watering his plants, Monica gets a video conference call from him. He assures her that what they have to talk about is good news, which puts her mind at ease - until Joey finds a check for $50,000 written to a ring designer. A thrilled Rachel immediately begins planning the wedding and its theme - "Look How Much Money We've Got!"

Phoebe decides to break up with Vince - burly's good, she says, but sensitive is better. She goes to break up with him... and he starts to cry, because he thought they had something special, and he never got show her his journal. Now that Vince is both burly and sensitive, she figures that she now has the best of both worlds and decides to break up with Jason. However, when she goes to break up with Jason, she catches him in the middle of a home-improvement project... and discovers he has a nice body. Now that she's learned both guys are sensitive and burly, she's back to square one.

Ross is still frustrated about nobody being able to identify his growth - so Phoebe suggests he see her "herbal guy," Guru Saj. Ross resists at first - "I want to remove it, Pheebs; I don't want to make it savory," he says. But he eventually decides to go. Guru Saj finally identifies it - he calls it a "koondis," and starts to treat it, but appears to have "angered it." At a loss for what to do, he waves his hands in circles around it. It ends up being ripped off after getting caught in Saj's watch band.

Pete finally tells Monica his big news - he's going to compete to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion. He's hired a personal trainer and had a custom ring built (which explains the check to the ring designer). He wants Monica to be there when he competes. A disappointed Monica agrees.

Whilst Phoebe is playing at Central Perk - with Vince in the audience - Jason walks in. When Phoebe finishes Jason kisses Phoebe - and Vince confronts her. They both initially are okay with it, because they never said they were exclusive. Then Jason finds out Phoebe and Vince have slept together, and leaves. Vince also breaks up with her - because he found out Phoebe made Jason a candlelit dinner in the park, and he can't believe she'd have an open flame in a wooded area.

The episode ends with Joey, Chandler and the duck (which they've named Dick) in Guru Saj's office. Dick has a cough, and the vet can't do anything about it. Saj suggests feeding him a bat - which Dick takes exception to.

[edit] Quotes

(After Monica recieves good news)
Ross: Call mom, call mom!
(an old woman appears on the screen)
Old Woman: Hello?
Monica: And that would be Pete's mom.
(they hide).