Stoborough

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Stoborough is a rural hamlet in the Purbeck district of Dorset, England.

[edit] Geography

Stoborough is located on a fertile tract of land near to the River Frome and at the foot of Creech Mountain. The idyllic hamlet overshadows the historic market town of Wareham, a point of much resentment to the nearby townsfolk.

Stoborough is not to be confused with Stoborough Meadows which is not actually a part of Stoborough. Built in the late 1990s Stoborough Meadows was the result of the short-lived trend in residential design known as narchitecture. Narchitecture involved an inexperienced architect, a large quantity of narcotics (most often crack or LSD) and a manual full of designs for houses. The architect would consume the narcotics and select houses from the manual which would look very nice on their own, but which would look appalling when built next to one another. Narchitecture was considered one of the more disastrous trends of the late 1990s and would never have taken place in the real Stoborough.

Stoborough Green is also not a part of Stoborough. The most prominent feature of Stoborough Green is the Lookout Caravan Park. Lookout is the abridged name having been shortened in 1992. 'For Your Wallet' was dropped when it was felt this helpful piece of advice told too many truths about the park's residents.

[edit] History

Throughout its history Stoborough has been considered a place of great strategic importance not only in Dorset but also in the wider region. In 1066 William of Normandy famously said: "We may have won this day at Hastings, but while Stoborough remains free, England is not yet ours."

For much of the Middle Ages Stoborough resolutely remained independent despite the frequent attempts by the people of Wareham to steal both cattle and women. The people of Stoborough survived the particularly ferocious attacks of the 12th century only through the leadership of their elected sheriff Cred Tumpler. Tumpler was said to have the strength of an ox, the speed of a leopard and a mighty roar much like that of a Humpback Whale. When the raiders and pillagers of Wareham would be seen crossing the causeway Tumpler would rally all the men in the village to defend their land and livelihoods. On one occasion the raiders from Wareham launched a surprise attack on December 24th in an attempt to steal all of the villagers Christmas presents. All of the men in the village were too inebriated to stave off the attack, that is except for Tumpler. Fighting on his own Tumpler faced eight men. After he had killed the first five his sword broke, and he was forced to kill the remaining three with his bare hands. For this feat Tumpler was awarded the keys to the village.

In the 16th century Stoborough suffered from much crime and disorder when migrants from Weymouth started to settle in the village. The sheriff of the time was Fred Tumpler, a descendent of Cred. In order to restore peace to the village Tumpler instituted a radical policy whereby convicted felons were chained and taken far away from the village so that they would never return. These convicts were transported to a tract of land in the northwest discovered by Tumpler in his younger days where in time they built something resembling a civilization. This was how the city we now know as Liverpool originated.

In the 20th century crime in Stoborough was more often a result of residents from Stoborough Green. Arson, shouting loudly at night, and bending the windscreenwipers on cars were the more serious offenses. On one occasion thugs in tracksuits removed all of the pricing signs from cars at the nearby Ford dealership and threw them over a hedge into a field. While some villagers have suggested that Stoborough has got safer over the last five hundred years incidents such as this are clearly evidence to the contrary.

Perhaps the most dramatic event in 2006 was when some drunken hooligans stole the red post box from outside of the village shop. After much public distress their consciences got the better of these young men and they returned it, though not to the original location.

[edit] Famous Sons & Daughters

The contributions of those born in Stoborough in modern times are often considerably underestimated. In the fashion world Hubert Gary String, the famous designer of the G-String was living in Nutcrack Lane at the time of his world-changing breakthrough. One of the most influential books of the 17th century, The Peasant With The Peashooter was written by Edgar Wibblestick who resided in Melancholy Lane. In the 19th century the gardeners bestseller There Are Weeds And There Are Weeds was penned by Audrey Hollyhock who lived in Oaktree Close. Darth Vader is said to have owned a property a long time ago in a part of Stoborough far, far away, but village records are inconclusive.