Wikipedia:Requests for feedback

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Contents 1 human eye color 2 Edit to Microarchitecture Stub 3 Polyanhydrides 4 Daxcon 5 David Pines 6 James Phinney Baxter 7 Narasimha Rao 8 Luis Federico Leloir 9 Arjen Robben 10 Herne Bay, Kent 11 Bradley effect 12 Improvements to ice-minus bacteria wanted. 13 Lilliput_(company) 14 WP:AGENDA 15 Chelton Flight Systems 16 DAXCON Engineering, Inc. 17 The absence of consciousness 18 History of Lowell, Massachusetts 19 Quills 20 Jeremy Sowers 21 The Best Bet 22 Shahbag 23 Engines List and Others 24 Renaissance 25 Highfield Church 26 Itanium: a merge and complete rewrite

[edit] human eye color

I would like to find out which genes create what eye color in humans. For instance blue and blue =blue or grey or ? Question my exwifes eyes are brown, her parents eyes are brown and my eyes are blue, as well as both my parents. Our daughter's eyes are green, sometimes slightly hazzle.

Eye color is an inherited trait influenced by more than one gene.[2] In humans, three genes coding for eye color are currently known: EYCL1, EYCL2, and EYCL3.[3][4] These genes account for three phenotypic eye colors (brown, green, and blue) in humans. Although it was once thought that brown eye color was always dominant and blue eye color was always recessive, the fact that two blue-eyed parents can give birth to a brown-eyed child has shown that the determination of eye color does not follow the simple rules of Mendelian inheritance, although this is so rare that scientists didn't even notice that it happens (perhaps 1 in 100,000,000) until recently. It is not like two brown haired parents who have a blonde haired child, because blonde and brown hair is the same gene pair. Eye color is the most demanding of any gene, due to the fact all four have to be a the same color or the eye color will not be pure, and will be mixed with each other (like blue-green).[5] Eye color usually stabilizes when an infant is around 6 months old. [6].

For more information, please see Eye color, or ask at the reference desk.

--May the Force be with you! Shreshth91 14:25, 2 December 2006 (UTC)

[edit] Edit to Microarchitecture Stub

Please review and let me know what is thought of my revisions to this stub. Here is the diff page for the revisions.

http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Microarchitecture&diff=next&oldid=106982850

Thank you

Timmh

[edit] Polyanhydrides

Hello everyone! I have added a new article to Wikipedia: Polyanhydrides. This is a class of polymers generally used in the medical or drug delivery fields. Any suggesstions or reccommendations would be much appreciated! polyanhydrides

[edit] Daxcon

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daxcon

I was hopingto get some feedback on the layout of my article. The reason that I care about my layout is that it is a company article and feel that it should follow a certain layout. Also, I was wondering if there were any other specific pages to where I could link my article or if I need to add a section to make the article more wikipedia oriented.

[edit] David Pines

I just created an article for David Pines, a theoretical physicist with a long career. The page needs a lot of clean up and is too list like.

The first thing it needs is some source that would tell something about him. Right now, it's mostly a list of awards and then of things he authored which could obviously be sources for other things. He certainly seems notable, so I'd think there'd be something out there about him.

Other items to note would be that the lead is too long. Even if you want all of that in the article, there's no need to list each individual thing out like that in the lead. The lead should just be a brief overview of why he is notable. The last sentence of the interests seciton is written in the first person. Mwelch 07:15, 24 March 2007 (UTC)

[edit] James Phinney Baxter

Can someone please check this over? I added headers but I don't think I split it up right. Tikuko 17:32, 16 March 2007 (UTC)

The lead should definitely mention that he was the mayor specifically, rather than just "civic leader". After reading the lead section only, I had my doubts if he was even notable at all. Also, I wouldn't title a "Trivia" section. Just mention the poem as a regular part of the article. Mwelch 07:27, 24 March 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Narasimha Rao

The prose of this article has ben called strange. Please comment on what should be done to improve it.--Shahab 10:50, 18 March 2007 (UTC)

I found your article informative and quite readable. What I do suggest though is that you edit your heading/section titles to remove all but the initial caps so as to conform to the Wikipedia "Manual of Style" for articles (see under "Sections and Headings -->Wording"). And I made what I consider to be some minor edits to your section on religious strife and the Latur earthquake.  K. Kellogg-Smith 15:34, 27 March 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Luis Federico Leloir

Can someone review and help clean things up from this article? I just translated it from the Spanish edition, where it was a featured article.

[edit] Arjen Robben

I have been working on this article for some time and would like make it a good article. I understand that there's a long way to go but I'm not sure what I should do to improve it. This is an article about a football player, and some people have told me that a football player's page in general stands no chance for any good status, unless he is a remarkably well-known star (like David Beckham). Could anyone please kindly give me feedback on the current condition of the article. Any suggestion is very much appreciated. Thanks so much. S. Miyano 12:13, 19 March 2007 (UTC)

I'm still something of a newbie, but given the backlog I'll go ahead & comment. Overall the article seems very thorough, pretty balanced in tone & content, and fairly well sourced. Indeed, it actually seems like a lot of copy for a 23 year old--if anything it could use some trimming, particularly the "quotes" section, not all of which is sourced, plus some of the quotes seem like boilerplate. Also, heavy sourcing from a fansite might seem dubious to some, esp. if you could get the same stuff from official team sites or newspapers.

One other thing. it might just be my browser, but the "Netherlands Roster" box displays weirdly--runs off the screen & doesn't align with itself. Hope all that helps. --Turangalila (talk) 19:52, 19 March 2007 (UTC)

Thank you for giving me the feedback. I've removed all the unsourced quotes and will only insert them back in if i can find proper sources later. I replaced the fansite which was used as reference (thanks for telling me!). The quote section looks quite short now. About the template Netherlands Squad, it seems fine to me (I'm using Firefox). Also, I'm confused about your advice of trimming, because I always thought that I should make this article longer to make it reach GA status, do think it is currently long enough? S. Miyano 06:12, 21 March 2007 (UTC)

As a rookie, I can't be much help wrt achieving GA or FA status; better advice might be available at Peer Review (which seems more active than this page anyway!).

The "trimming" advice is more a matter of personal stylistic preference: I like "tight" writing, at least in non-fiction, and I generally look to an encyclopedia for a concise intro, rather than an exhaustive treatment of the subject; also, I think brevity can sometimes help maintain NPOV. However, the reader is free to "skim", or to read only the infobox & intro, so I may be all wet here. I certainly don't speak for any community consensus, if there is one. WP:SIZE seems to leave alot to one's judgement, and perhaps erring on the side of thoroughness is the better bet. Certainly my comments here aren't notable for brevity :-). --Turangalila (talk) 20:23, 21 March 2007 (UTC)

Yeah, I guess I'll need to "trim down" some text this weekend. ;)S. Miyano 14:35, 22 March 2007 (UTC)

I forgot to post this a few days ago, I've shorten a few paragraphs and removed unnecessary phrases. I do hope the article looks better now. Arfan 17:17, 4 April 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Herne Bay, Kent

Hi. I've been working on this article for quite a while and would appreciate any further recommendations for improvement. Epbr123 03:41, 30 March 2007 (UTC)

Seeing that it's a GA nominee, and it looks great to me, my only suggestion would be to make the reference list multi-column. Excellent article! Wikipedia needs more editors like you --Kimon^talk 21:17, 1 April 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Bradley effect

Since the issue may get some more media coverage over the next year or so, as Barack Obama's presidential campaign is watched, it seemed as though it would be appropriate for Wikipedia to have an article about the "Bradley effect". Any feedback other editors would care to offer is appreciated. Mwelch 02:29, 21 March 2007 (UTC)

See "Arjen Robben" above for my disclaimer, but for my money this is an FA candidate. I would submit it to WP:PR. Only the very last sentence stuck me as at all potentially problematic--maybe needs a date (ie "as of 3/07") to insure against future obsolescence?--Turangalila (talk) 19:27, 22 March 2007 (UTC)

Ah, good point. Just made that change. Thanks for that feedback! Mwelch 07:08, 24 March 2007 (UTC)

The article lacks images and external links. I understand that finding suitable images and external links may be difficult, given the topic, but please make an effort to find some to add to the article. Although it looks far from Featured Article status, if you add a couple of images and external links, Good Article status is a possibility. Before nominating the article for Good Article status, please review the Good Article criteria. All the best to you, both in real life and as a Wikipedian! --J.L.W.S. The Special One 15:31, 30 March 2007 (UTC)

Thanks for the ideas. At this point, anyway, official GA or FA status and all of that isn't a concern for me. I just want to make sure the article is legitimately a quality piece of work and to have my writing reviewed. Once I'm pleased in that arena (and yes, to that end, I'll go ahead with PR once I get time), then maybe I'll find myself interested in GA or FA or what have you. Nonetheless, far be it from me to just turn my back on other ideas for its improvement aside from the actual writing itself, so I'll indeed see what can be done about pictures and external links. Thanks! Mwelch 21:48, 31 March 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Improvements to ice-minus bacteria wanted.

ice-minus bacteria is a genetically altered version of the P. syringae. It has a surface protein producing gene removed. The surface protein is usually used to aid in ice formation, thus "ice-minus" bacteria prevents frost development on plants.

Please help me make this article better!

[edit] Lilliput_(company)

Description: Lilliput is a professional manufacturer of mobile lcd video.

Ive created this article and its the first one Ive created. Since I hope this isnt my last major contribution, I would like to know what I can do better next time.

Greetings, Mizipor! In future, please remember to sign your posts on discussion forums (but not your edits to articles) with four tildes. To do so, click the signature button on the edit toolbar - it's in between the W and dash.

The article is currently a stub - a very short article providing only a little information on the company - so it is difficult to give any useful feedback. Once you have expanded the article with more information on the company, feel free to file another request for feedback.

Is Lilliput notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article? If it is notable, the article should establish its notability. If it is not notable, the article may be nominated for deletion. Wikipedia does not tolerate advertising; if you are closely affilated with Lilliput, please read our policy on conflicts of interest.

All the best to you, both in real life and as a Wikipedian! --J.L.W.S. The Special One 08:05, 30 March 2007 (UTC)

[edit] WP:AGENDA

I'm trying to compile a list of all the hidden agendas we hold dear here at Wikipedia. Your feedback on the content and format of the page, and your contributions, would be greatly appreciated! Jouster  (whisper) 22:53, 25 March 2007 (UTC)

Greetings, Jouster! RFF is for requesting feedback on articles. I don't think there's a process for seeking feedback on pages in the Wikipedia namespace; you may wish to try a policy RFC. All the best to you, both in real life and as a Wikipedian! --J.L.W.S. The Special One 12:26, 29 March 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Chelton Flight Systems

This is my first wikipedia article. I would like some general feedback on it. Is it following the correct form? Are the sentences too long? How is my puncuation and grammer? Thanks a lot.

You might want to review WP:ATT. You need to provide sources for everything you put in the article. And also fairly fundamentally, you need to assert why this company is notable. It's not appropriate to have a Wikipedia article for any old company just because it exists and is in business. There needs to be something notable about it. This article (and in particularly the lead paragraph) doesn't make clear what makes this company notable. It might well be notable, in fact, but there's nothing in there that tells me this right now. Did their TAWS system revolutionize the industry? Has it demonstrably met its goal of reducing accidents? What exactly that makes this company notable? Right now, all this article tells me is that Chelton is a company that exists and makes avionics components. Mwelch 03:08, 30 March 2007 (UTC)

[edit] DAXCON Engineering, Inc.

Daxcon My article was flagged as being written like an advertisement. I have made changes throughout the whole page in an attempt to write it more like an encyclopedia article. However, I was hoping that I cuold have several other people look at it and make changes to it if they would like in an attempt to make it even more neutral.

You should make the references links so that oneself can go and read it. See WP:REF on how to make nice looking sourcelinks. Also, see Mwelch response to the Chelton article above. Read WP:ATT, what makes this company noteable? In what way have they changed the way the industry works (or similiar)? Mizipzor 08:01, 30 March 2007 (UTC)

Greetings, Aullbw! Please remember to sign your posts on discussion pages (but not your edits to articles!) with four tidles. To do so, click on the signature button on the edit toolbar; it's in between the W and hyphen.

Since the article does not appear to be blatantly spam, I'll give you some general advice, with links to policy pages which you should read. If you don't understand a policy, you should seek clarification on the policy talk page.

Firstly, is DAXCON notable enough to merit a Wikipedia article? As a corporation, it should satisfy the notability criteria for corporations. If DAXCON is notable, the article should establish its notability; if it isn't, the article may be nominated for deletion.

To make the article read less like an advertisement, ensure the article is written from a neutral point of view. As following NPOV can be difficult, several Wikipedians have prepared a tutorial which should answer any questions you have about the policy.

All the best to you, both in real life and as a Wikipedian! --J.L.W.S. The Special One 15:15, 30 March 2007 (UTC)

[edit] The absence of consciousness

First, I am obliged to explain the meaning of the word "consciousness". I would not describe it a level of self-awareness, or a sense of subjectivity, but more as an awareness of the world. I have noticed a very strange phaenomenon among the "less" educated population. They do not have a logicall concept of reality in its full term. According to their character, social situation and group in society, they subsequently, mostly completely subconsciounsly decide which feelings, effects and even moments should be shut out, because there is a risk of a "mutilation" of their conception of reality, so to speak. I ask you for help, thank you.

Which article are you requesting feedback on? Factual questions should be asked at the reference desk. If you are simply ranting, do so on your own blog. --J.L.W.S. The Special One 07:43, 30 March 2007 (UTC)

[edit] History of Lowell, Massachusetts

This is my first article of any real length, and I was just curious all around about how it was written. It's been up for a few days and nobody but a bot has made changes. Other than the obvious flaw of almost no inline citations (I have a bibliography instead), I'm not sure what else needs to be seriously worked on. So basically, I'm looking for any and every change you can make to improve this article. CSZero 21:14, 30 March 2007 (UTC)

Pretty good. Maybe you should capitalize only the characters in the headings (WP:MSH). An overview or a bigger lead would be nice. There can be a few subheadings. Cheers.--Shahab 16:57, 31 March 2007 (UTC)

Thanks! I made the first two changes already, I'll look into having some subheadings. CSZero 21:07, 31 March 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Quills

Hi there! I've been working on the Quills film article pretty extensively for the last week or so, and as a novice editor, I'd like to make sure I'm on the right track and everything looks and sounds good. Any comments/suggestions/critique would be much appreciated! Here's the article when I started [7] and here it is now [8]. Thank you in advance!

[edit] Jeremy Sowers

Reposting request ... I'd really appreciate it if someone would take a look and give me some feedback. My initial request was archived without any comments. Thanks.

First request (from 13 March 2007): I've just posted a complete overhaul of this page. As it's my first WP contribution, I'd appreciate any and all feedback. Before I worked on it, there was virtually no sourcing and a good deal of what I didn't think to be encyclopedic content/language. Here's a link to the diff: http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Jeremy_Sowers&diff=114682815&oldid=111020744 Thanks in advance. --Sanfranman59 20:10, 1 April 2007 (UTC)

[edit] The Best Bet

The Best Bet is a Singaporean film about the perils of gambling. I wrote this article on 31 March and have just nominated it for DYK. As the creator of RFF, surely I should benefit from it, by receiving feedback that would help me improve this article, so that the DYK nomination will be successful and the article will receive a B-class rating (and possibly GA status in future)?

Two major concerns:

• Has my prose improved? I Not Stupid's GA nomination failed due to choppy prose.
• In Singapore, we use the term "strike" to refer to a lottery win (whether 4D or TOTO). So we'd say "I hope I strike 4D" or "If my number strikes, I'll give you a treat". Since this term is not used in other countries, I have instead used the words "win" and "[the number] came out", but it sounds just...weird. Should I use the Singaporean term "strike", or stick with terms familiar to international readers?

--J.L.W.S. The Special One 03:17, 4 April 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Shahbag

At Wikipedia:Peer review/Shahbag it has been advised that a Civic Administration section should be added to the article, as well as information on geography, climate and such. How necessary is that, and how relevant? What other information is largely missing from the article, but needs to be there? I am trying to take the article to FA status. Aditya Kabir 15:56, 4 April 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Engines List and Others

Mitsubishi has a couple v8s but I only see one. This is an example of where the engines list are lacking, is there someone who can contribute to this list and other engine list as they are all lacking details for past couple years, well im hoping a Volkswagon engine list will evently be added wich I beleave are made by Audi and alot more details to each engine listed would help aswell.

--Jay173 10:10, 5 April 2007 (UTC)

So there's one V8 missing? Which one? --DeLarge 19:06, 5 April 2007 (UTC)

This one in this article available on the Mitsubishi Raider its a 4.7 liter v8. http://research.cars.com/go/crp/research.jsp?logtype=6&section=summary&aff=freep&call=crp&makeid=34&year=2007&modelid=148 08:39, 6 April 2007 (UTC)

I thought that might be the one you meant. That's a Chrysler (PowerTech) engine; see the wikilinks at Mitsubishi Raider. In fact, the whole truck's a badge engineering job. The powerplants at List of Mitsubishi engines are only those "produced by Mitsubishi Motors", not those bought in from outside manufacturers. VW's 2.0 L turbodiesel in the Mitsubishi Grandis isn't included for the same reason. Regards, --DeLarge 11:38, 6 April 2007 (UTC)

On that note i think the all engine catigorys can be more detailed from now on because they are lacking this.

09:45, 9 April 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Renaissance

I recently did a fairly major overhaul of the Renaissance (diff) article's structure, as well as rewriting and referencing several sections (35 refs now, up from 6).

I need to know whether the new structure makes sense, and what more can be done to complete this article. I'm hoping to get it to GA status (at least). Thanks.MAIS-talk-contr 15:15, 5 April 2007 (UTC)

I did some copyedits to make the language a bit crisper. Please review. Overall, I think your changes are a massive improvement. Thanks! -Arch dude 02:53, 9 April 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Highfield Church

Link to difference page for revisions: [9] Calineed 18:25, 8 April 2007 (UTC)

[edit] Itanium: a merge and complete rewrite

For historical reasons, The articles relating to the Intel Itanium are in a state of complete disarray. The main articles are IA-64, Itanium, and Itanium 2. I have proposed a merger of these articles, and I intend to complete the merger/rewrite on 16 April. My proposed new article is currently at User:Arch dude/Workspace, and I intend to move it to Itanium. Itanium is a really big deal in the computer industry. Is proponents assert that it will eventually dominate an industry that accounts for a significant percentage of the world's economy.

Please comment on the following:

• lead paragraph: If you are not a computer person, does this make sense?
• sales forecast chart: I contributed this to wiki commons, so I can change it. Does it convey the correct information? The intent is to convey the extreme discrepancy between the original published expectations and the current reality, which I believe is central to the Itanium story. Does the chart convey this? Is this actually relevant?
• Architecture: Is there enough context here?
• Relevance: Is it clear that Itanium is important?
• POV: Many in the industry, including me, think that Itanium is an unmidigated disaster. The existing articles include a great deal of PR from the Itanium marketing community. Have I gone too far in the other direction?
• Completeness: have I failed to preserve relevant information from the three "merged" articles?
• Citations: most citations are to the web-based trade press. too many? too few? too biased?

Thanks.-Arch dude 00:29, 9 April 2007 (UTC)

(09:44, 9 April 2007 24.113.110.55) added:

Itanium and itanium 2 are two separate itianium generations of processers.

Yes, they are. However, Itanium is also a brand used universally in the industry to identify both generations and to Identify the entire project and its history. The new article is about the brand, and therefore includes both processor families. Incidentaly, the Itanium 2 family has multiple generations. -Arch dude 15:03, 9 April 2007 (UTC)

Yes I think a combined article would be good. A few suggestions: (1) There are a pair of excedingly long paragraphs in this article. They should be split up for ease of reading. (2) At the other extreme, there are several one-paragraph sections. These should either be merged to shorten the ToC, or expanded with more information. (3) There are several one-sentence paragraphs. Can these be merged or expanded? — RJH (talk) 20:45, 9 April 2007 (UTC)