Ray Hudson

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Ray Hudson
Born: March 24, 1955 (age 52)
Flag of England Gateshead, England
Occupation: Sportscaster
Salary: USD

Ray Hudson (born March 24, 1955 in Gateshead, England), the son of a toolmaker and a seamstress, is a (retired) professional football (soccer) player and coach.

Hudson signed with Newcastle United in 1973. After four years in the Football League First Division, Hudson moved to the United States, playing for the Fort Lauderdale Strikers of the North American Soccer League from 1977 to 1983. Hudson also played for the Strikers following their move to Minnesota in 1984, which proved to be the NASL's final year.

After starting out as the Miami Fusion's TV commentator, Hudson was named its head coach in the middle of the 2000 season and then led the club to the best regular season record in Major League Soccer in 2001.

Hudson quickly became known for his fiery personality. One memorable incident occurred after a Miami home win against the Tampa Bay Mutiny. The Fusion scored five goals, an offensive outburst for soccer, but Hudson was apparently unsatisfied. He stormed into the media tent and up to the podium. He said, "I've got nothing to say. Any questions? ANY QUESTIONS? No? OK!" and stormed right back out. Interviews with players after the game indicated that Hudson was angered by a perceived lack of effort, even with the Fusion's dominant win.

Following MLS's contraction of the Fusion, Hudson was hired to replace Thomas Rongen as head coach of D.C. United. He continued to regale fans and journalists with his wit, stories, and quotes. He once famously said, "There’s a lot of talent on this team, and I’m talking Anna Nicole Smith type of talent!" upon taking control of the team in 2002. He worked for ESPN's World Cup coverage in 2002, and came up with a memorable quote after the American team drew 1-1 with South Korea in group play. Expounding upon whether U.S. goalkeeper Brad Friedel should be thanking his defenders for their works, he said, "I'll be kissing their bums in the showers."

Despite his personality and love for the home fans, United finished at the bottom of the table in the East in 2002, and were ousted in the first round by Chicago Fire in 2003. "Someone get me a blindfold and a cigarette!" he said during the post-game news conference. He was replaced by Peter Nowak in 2004.

Beginning with the 2004-2005 season, Ray Hudson began TV commentating for GolTV. He is a color commentator for European league matches and is co-host of "American Soccer." During the 2006 World Cup, he was a co-host for the English-language segment of the nightly "Gol TV En Alemania" wrapup show.

He keeps spinning great quotes in match commentary and in studio shows:

  • "He'll be happy as a dog with two tails to get a point."
  • "We had just strung like 17 passes together, beautiful silky soccer, and I turn around and see a guy yawning in the crowd. I wanted to jump over the fence and head-butt him."
  • "This team was as dangerous as my grandmother knitting a quilt."
  • "I mean, it's astounding. An absolutely incredible, miraculous situation that Rangers are champions now of Scotland. It was drama at its absolute all-time greatest. I mean, two goals within the last two minutes of the game to rob Celtic. Celtic choked right at the end; Rangers are dancing the jig, and eating the haggis until it comes out their ears, followed by whisky shots straightaway after the game, and it's marvelous for McLeish. I'm a Rangers man myself, so I had a good belt of whisky after that game."
  • "Congratulations, Seamus Malin -- you ugly man. Oh, come on, you didn't think he got (in the Soccer Hall of Fame) on his looks, did you?"
  • "The England fans were singing 'God Save the Queen,' and I was shouting, 'God save the rest of us if that's what we're going to have to watch throughout this tournament.' "
  • "Bruce Arena has to pick these boys up by their jockstraps and put lobsters in their jockstraps because they went down like flies against the Czech Republic, how humiliating to have that happen to a team that was coming out to the world scene seeking respect. What a joke!"
  • "The brown ale will be flowing down the streets of Middlesbrough in vats!"
  • "Look at the angle. Look at the distance. That is absolutely exquisite. Dynamite finish. It's extraordinario! It's magnifico! When you see it again from this angle, it will take your breath away. It's postage-stamp delivery by a player that is as good going the other way defensively than he is going forward. You cannot give a higher compliment to an absolutely wonderful player who is at the absolute apex of his game! Look at that for confidence! That's world class! That's Zidane, beyond belief! That's an absolute exquisite footballer -- MVP, no question. Magnifico! Extraordinario! That should be in high definition! That wasn't just literature, that was Shakespearan beauty! Ah, God, I'm sorry, I love that guy. If I could love a man, it'd be Dwayne DeRosario!"
  • "That's orgasmic!"
  • "Genius, genius, genius. Absolutely superb strike. And look, not a smile! What makes this guy smile? I mean, come on, Román, give us a look, give us a smile, baby. I mean, is there anything more exquisite in life than watching this man play football? Look at this! Perfection. [...] That is an orgasmic goal, Phil. We said he treats them like penalties -- that's what he does. Enjoy him while you can, enjoy him at the World Cup next year when he's wearing that beautiful blue and white shirt for Argentina. The man is magic."
  • "Alexi Lalas looked great, first of all, doing a great Dorian Gray impersonation. He looks younger and younger every day."
  • "The Vikings are out; lock up the women and children, because Sweden mean business."
  • "I couldn't put it better myself, whatever the hell 'ickybalookie' means! That's what happening here! Scenes of absolute jubilation for Espanyol! And for myself, impersonally, I can't believe it! I'm not impartial today, I'm an Espanyol fan, I'd hate to say it for the Real Sociedad fans out there and for all the Alavés fans! But this is a team that would not be denied, Espanyol! They kept on hammering at the dam! They were hitting the goalposts, time after time, they kept on believing ... I don't even know who the hell scored!"
  • "It'll be real interesting when me and dog are watching the game tonight, and we're looking, and I'll kick him a couple of times. The dog is going to get a couple of kicks because of the chances that I believe we missed."
  • "We stabbed 'em right in the heart and it was beautiful!"
  • "No one gave us the lickings of a dog coming into the match, but we've come up with a spirit-lifting performance."
  • "We don't have a ruthless streak. We're like Dracula looking at a beautiful neck and we don't have the fangs to sink in."
  • "He needs to be on his tippy-toes, like a midget at a urinal."
  • "We have the slushy in the cup holder. The music is playing. There are no problems, and then all hell breaks loose."
  • (Hernán Crespo dribbling towards Fiorentina frame while outnumbered)"'He'll need help!' (Crespo unleashes fierce near post shot, blocked by GK) 'He'll need help my backside!'"
  • "I'd knock him out. Bind and gag him, put him in a safe and send him to the bottom of the ocean. Then maybe I'd be able to contain him. When a kid hits stride the way he has, playing with all the confidence and verve that he has, he's virtually indefensible in a lot of ways. You can only try to contain him. He only needs that crack in the door and he will kick it in. Clint Mathis is playing with that much ability right now."
  • "I mean, how long is it going to take for Real Madrid to substitute. Its obviously not working out for them; for crying out loud a blind man on a galloping horse could see that! (3 minutes later Hudson sees Robinho warming up) Finally! Thank the Lord!"
  • "Because they [England] cannot play football, Lindsay! Because they are a set of neanderthals when they play the game! But in FIFA's eyes, they're No. 4 in the world. Caveman football! Caveman!"
  • "But I don't know what the hell that is!" (in response to him [Morientes] putting his thumb in mouth after scoring)
  • "Cannavaro is running around like a three-legged giraffe out there, but it's effective."
  • "Ruud Van Nistelrooy says to Lilian Thuram, 'You're my little lollipop here tonight, mate!' "
  • "He's funner than a barrel of monkeys!"
  • "Brad Davis has class coming out of his earholes."
  • "As electrifying as a hair dryer thrown into a hot tub, my friend. Absolutely breathtaking! It puts the Haitian Voodoo rattle on this one. When he finishes -- oh! Like Betamax, they do not make them like him anymore! What more can you say? An extraordinary goal by an extraordinary player! That will send these people into their dreams tonight thinking of heavenly things. Absolutely bamboozles his defender with this virtuoso goal and little blondy says I wanna be like him. I doubt it very much. Look at this, gets all of his angles right, sets it up for himself. Cygan is just a spectator, looks down at him and says, 'That's not human.' And it is not. It is superhuman." -- November 2006, Barcelona versus Villareal, after Ronaldinho scored a spectacular overhead kick
  • "Just like a Turkish bellydancer on a surfboard, Ronaldinho skipping through the tulips" - December 2006, Barcelona v Real Sociedad
  • "Cheekier than a monkey in a monkey tree."
  • "You've gotta come up with a better coat than this when you're out with a lady like that. What is this? A parka at Ice Station Zebra?" -- December 2006, picking on a fan in the crowd spotted with a beautiful blonde during Barcelona's match vs. Atletico Madrid
  • "Kovalenko for me was outstanding also in his football, not just his gritty performance. He's a footballer; he's got great feet. He's a good link man, a great outlet, he challenges ... he would stab his grandmother in the eye for another bowl of porridge."
  • “Without penetration, it’s just masturbation, and right now, we’re playing with ourselves.”
  • "The boys in white look like they are twitching like a greyhound in the trap here, just getting the oil into their engine" -- referring to Sevilla playing Mallorca on Jan. 14, 2007
  • "Let me tell you what's going to happen. When Mr. LaVolpe goes back to Mexico -- er, Argentina, where he's from -- his grandmother, his mother, and his great-grandmother will beat the crap out of him for coming out with something as stupid as that, especially after his team had their knickers pulled down, and their asses smacked and have been totally spanked right out of the park! How can he come out after being beaten fair and square, totally, and he comes out with an inane sort of statement like that? The women will take him to task!"
  • "That's the type of goal that the coach will be really kissing the bums in the showers for scoring. That was a really nice, sweet goal."
  • "When he's on, it's like a full-blown Wagnerian opera. They hit all of the beautiful notes."
  • "If you're a fan of MLS, and you want this game to be operated correctly, you should be rooting for Colorado Rapids to win it all. If an ugly-duckling team like this can be crowned champion at the end of the year, it might wake up this whole league and say, 'Something's got to be done.'"
  • "Now, what is that? Look at that! It looks like a broken window, man! Listen, if that stand was an animal, it would be a kangaroo! Look at the state of it! It's like, it's neither fish nor fowl! I'm not talking about the facility, the facility's fine. The roof! Look at it! It is a joke! It looks like somebody built it like a Lego! It looks like it's been built by two Irish carpenters that said, 'I've cut it twice, and it's still too short!' It doesn't fit! I mean, it looks like it's been connected by Lego parts! It's going to be a great facility, there's no question, Colorado's going to be proud of it, truly fabulous! But the roof, man. Lord, give us a proper roof!"
  • "High, wide, and ugly!" -- on for a missed penalty kick
  • "Bend it like Beckham? Give me a break! He bends light!" -- on a Ronaldinho free kick vs. Racing Santander
  • "I think Kanoute may have him by the chest hairs in the shower -- 'How the hell did you miss that?'"
  • "I'll give you two words, Sven...Goran...Eriksson." (Realizes his mistake and counts 1-2-3 with his fingers while rehearsing the name silently to himself while Lindsey Dean says, "Three words.")
  • "The Mexicans were wounded by this loss. They were absolutely on the floor, and they couldn't find it in themselves to go over and shake a hand. That'll show you how bad the U.S. defeated them. It's a compliment, in its own way. What I would have loved the United States to have done is exchange shirts with each other. That's what they should have done. That's what Bob should have said. 'Lads, you know you're not going to have your hands shook, let's shake all of our hands, and we swap shirts, and everyone gets another American shirt.' ... The fans and people make a lot more out of it. When you've been in those sorts of heated battles as a player, you're like, 'Yeah, whatever.' You don't care if you don't shake their hand. The hell with them." -- on the 2007 USA-Mexico friendly in Glendale
  • "Both sides letting fish off the hook the size of sperm whales! A sperm whale isn't a fish, is it? It's a mammal. But you know what I mean."
  • "The man that launched a thousand shirt sales, it's what they call him here" - on David Beckham
  • "The pale-faced executioner...he's an illuminous illumination!" - Talking about Andres Iniesta
  • "Oh look at his face, all bright eyed, full of hopes and dreams that one day he'll be the next Ronaldinho, but i'm sorry lad, there's only one Ronaldinho"
  • "Let's see what Golden Balls can do." - Before David Beckham scores against Real Sociedad
  • "Ah! Look at that! That takes an unbelievable -- like it hits a gopher on the head!" -- after Real Betis' Pancrate slotted a breakaway chance towards goal, only to see the ball hit a bump in the penalty area and trickle wide of the Real Madrid goal
  • "He looks like he is wearing one of those Devo wigs. I like his haircut. Slick!"
  • "Let me tell you, in Uruguay, they eat parts of the bull that you wouldn't believe."
  • "I don't think this referee has ever played five minutes of a game in his life. If it was, it was with the girls. Big Abby Wambach would have had him for breakfast."
  • "That's just God-given talent that the boy has been blessed with, and it comes out in the heat of the battle, whether he played a minute or 100 minutes for his team. That is just pure instinctive brilliance by Bermudez, wriggling free, and then the audacity to play the ball through the legs of the player. Look at this! I mean look at this! Get out of your sofa and start applauding. That's four defenders he's beat. That's going in the goal! That's desperate defending by Costa Rica. It's a cruel goal in the end, but man, tip your sombrero to little Bermudez, buy him a Corona. Can he legally drink a beer? I'm sending him a case of Dos Equis, either way."
  • "Ah, Tijuana, man, that's a great night out there when we used to play in San Diego, crossing over the border. I don't know how the hell I got back into the country."
  • "This referee has had no balance in his calls. Either that, or he's just a crap ref."
  • "Ronaldinho there, trickier than a squirrel running on a telephone wire."
  • "Cooler than a salmon sam'ich!"
  • "Mama!"
  • "It slices, it dices, it's Barcelona!"
  • "Eto is so sharp today he could cut himself, watch out!"
  • "This is stripping football....leaving Recreativo naked!"
  • "As I said, there's classic games like there's classical music... there's orchestrators like Mozart who were above everything. Well, this game for me has been above everything. This has been one not for the ages, not for all time -- beyond that! This was one you hang in the Louvre and say, 'You want to see a football game...', this one should be sent to the Martians and say, 'This is what human nature can provide.' This has been theatrical beyond belief and they're still going at it!" -- describing the final moments of the Barcelona v. Real Madrid superclassico, March 10, 2007

During games, Hudson's most frequent saying could arguably be "Look out!" or "Ay, yi!" when he feels something extraordinary will come from the run of play.[citation needed]

[edit] External links

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