Peenman Enterprises
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Peenman Enterprises was the name of a fictitious company that was created by radio host Phil Hendrie as a "sponsor" for Hendrie's parodies of Art Bell. Based in part on Art's real-life sponsor C Crane Company, Peenman often was the backdrop for outrageous and ridiculous survivalist products, usually centered on dealing with the collapse of Western civilization.
The fake commercials were handled by Hendrie live and right at the segment's start - much in the same way that Art has read his commercials. The following is a list of products that have been "sold," or attributed to, Peenman Enterprises:
[edit] Animal Pelts
Since the inevitable nuclear war that's right around the corner and ready to incinerate everything you hold dear will also destroy the world's banking system, what will you do for ready cash? Peenman Enterprises presents the remarkable new product called Animal Pelts. Do as the caveman did: Grunt that you want a pack of Marlboro Lights and offer the cashier a foxtail or a beaver hat and watch the fun begin - new, from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Ass Scoop
Friends, after the Armageddon and there are no functioning toilets, where're you going to go? Introducing the new Peenman Ass Scoop. That's right, wherever you are, whatever you do, bring along the Ass Scoop. You can just go ahead and answer Nature's call, pick it up and drop it in someone else's yard. Dogs have been doing it for years, why not you? And for you extra large people, the snow shovel-sized Ass Scoop. It's new, from Peenman.
[edit] Ass Spreader
[edit] Armageddon/Apocalypse Wipe
Friends, you know that I’ve been telling you that when Armageddon falls on all of us like the wings of a vampire bat, what toilet paper will you use? Well, we suggest new Armageddon Wipe, it allows you the comfort of good rear-area hygiene, without the discomfort of using banana leaves or Wite-Out strips. Yes, that Apocalypse Wipe new from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Bag of really expensive looking shiny sparkly things that look like diamonds
Y’know friends, after the turning of the calendar takes place and there is, of course, the usual looting and rioting, and all of the money will be devalued and your wife and your daughter are raped, you’ll certainly want to have something to barter with, and that’s why Peenman Enterprises has come up with something, I think you’re going to want to have: really expensive-looking shiny sparkly things that look like diamonds. You can get a bag of really expensive-looking shiny sparkly things that look like diamonds for only $89.95, we’ll send you a bag of them, then imagine the fun you’ll have trying to use them to barter a gallon of gasoline off a 300-lb. biker, good luck to you ma man, good luck. Remember, Peenman Enterprises’ big bag of shiny…sparkly looking things that kinda look like diamonds, be we aren’t sure: $89.95—try to pass those off to some guy who looks like Road Warrior Part VI… and watch the fun begin.
[edit] Bank of America Versatile Card
As you know, as we've been reporting, the world is coming to an end, trust me. And when the world comes to an end, what are you going to use for spending cash? With the new Bank of America Versatile Card you could get money at 3,000 locations worldwide. Yes, don't be left without any cash, folks, use that versatile card so when the world does come to an end you can negotiate your release from the Mad Max and his road warrior people.
[edit] Bea Arthur Crucifix
February 15, 1999
Friends, do you wake up listless and tired? Do you wake up as if you just can't get yourself out of bed in the morning? Have you considered the possibility that blood is being sucked from your neck by a vampire during the evening? Well that is very, very possible. You know, more and more vampire attacks as we reach Y2K [sic]. As we reach the year 2000, more and more vampires will be rising themselves from their crypts. The walking undead, the foul thing of the night sucking blood directly from your neck. No wonder you're tired, no wonder you're listless. Now Peenman Enterprises introduces the new Bea Arthur Crucifix. That's right, you'll get a handy crucifix with the image of Bea Arthur hammered to it and hold that to the face of any vampire... I can tell you right now, they'll turn around and run, they will FLY. They'll fly to parts unknown. That's right, the new Bea Arthur Crucifix. Just hold that right up to the face of the vampire and there's nothing, there's nothing he's gonna be able to do to you. Add a little garlic around your neck, too, for extra added protection. If you're getting the blood sucked directly out of your neck... directly out of the femoral artery in your thigh... if you're getting blood sucked directly out of your body, it's probably a vampire. Get the new Bea Arthur Crucifix - it's only $123, plus tax, plus shipping and handling from Peenman Enterprises. The new Bea Arthur Crucifix. It was a bitch to pose for. Remember, it also works on chupacabras as well... new from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Beachfront property in Arizona
Friends, have you ever wondered how enjoyable beachfront property in Arizona would be? What’s that you say? There is no beachfront property in Arizona? Well, following the melting icecaps that flood coastal cities, caused by global warming, prime beachfront property in Arizona can be yours. If you call now we’ll also throw in the Brooklyn Bridge free of charge as well as a partial of swampland in Florida, a diamond ring for 10 cents and some watches I have in the trunk of my car, plus if you act now we’ll toss in a Veg-o-Matic, a Ron Popeil pasta maker, some dull Ginsu knives, a cater collection of the best of Terry Bradshaw Does Christmas, an oldies collection, a singers/songwriters collection, Smooth Sounds of the '70s, and the Greatest Big Band Hits of the '80s. Call now, 555-555555. Another phony 555 number from Peenman.
[edit] Beaver Pelts
You know, friends, it's only a matter of time before the entire financial structure of the United States comes crashing down around our ears. Don't you think you owe it to yourself to investigate the durable and long-lasting value of owning beaver pelts? That's right, this is the very currency once used by our Native Americans and their culture lasted for thousands of years, until the white man came and introduced syphilis. Call this number 1-800-555555550 and ask about the new Art Bell Special, just tell the operator, "beaver pelt." Just say that to the operator, "beaver pelt, please" and she'll transfer you to the proper people. That's new, from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Boogeyman-Dissipating LED Flashlight
Friends, have you ever asked yourself when the power and lights go out at your house and the boogeyman feels emboldened to come out and assault you and your family, what would you do? Well now you'll know exactly what to do, with the new boogeyman-dissipating LED flashlight, NEW from Peenman enterprises. All you do is insert five hundred AA batteries, click that LED light on and ZOOP! no more boogeyman. That's the new Boogeyman-dissipating flashlight, NEW from Peenman Enterprises.
24.20.209.56 21:04, 3 March 2007 (UTC)===Book: How to trade your wife and daughter for goods and services for sex===
Friends, its 2012 and you find yourself hungry and in need a car oil change... But how to pay for items like food and services in a post acpocalyptic society? Peenman Enterprises proudly offers this highly anticipated book with valuable information for using either your wife, your daughter (or both, depending upon how hungry you find yourself) as a means of monetary exchange. Yes, friends, you'll be able to fill your bellies with fine goat meat AND enjoy fresh automotive lubrication, no matter how broken and disheveled our culture devolves! New, from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Chimp Chow
Friends, Peenman Enterprises reminds you that if a friend of yours goes chimp on you, what do you do? Well, now new Chimp Chow can help you. That's right, if a brother-in-law or guy at a mechanic shop, if an accountant or someone who's just standing there behind the counter at Taco Bell goes chimp, you'll have new Peenman Chimp Chow. You don't want one of your friends going Bakersfield Chimp. You don't need your testicles gnawed off any more than I do; you don't need your nose or your lips torn from your face, why, when you're so good-looking and there's so much life to be lived? That's right, Chimp Chow helps you when a friend goes Bakersfield Chimp. It's new from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Crank-up radio
You know, friends, I'm not rich enough, so if you buy some stupid crank-up radio that you could use after the nuclear holocaust, which is never going to happen, it'll put money in my pocket. Yes, a crank-up radio with a stupid-looking flashlight on the end of it, you have that in your garage and people think you're definitely whack; they'll think you're definitely crazy and wont let your kids visit their house, and they wont let their kids visit your house, either. They'll keep everybody away from you including your own family. New, from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Earth Handle
March 19, 2001
Friends, should the Earth lose its gravity, are you prepared? In the unlikely but possible event that the Earth stops spinning (sound of a toilet flushing in the background), we could all be flung off into space and be disintegrated within moments. But the Peenman Enterprises Earth Handle makes that threat a thing of the past. Simply jam the Earth Handle spike into the ground and hold on to the leather-covered finger-molded grip. What would you pay for the security of knowing that you won't be spun off into space? Get a grip! A grip on the new Earth Handle, new from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Evacuation Tube
Friends, when I was retired, all I ever did was sit on my ever-widening can and watch television morning, noon, and night. And while I was sitting on my ass in my bunker complex in Pahrump, Nevada, holding a shotgun in my lap, I realized I didn't even want to get up and even evacuate my bowels. Hence, I sent away for the new Peenman IV and Evacuation Tube. You just stick it into your arm, feeding whatever nutrients you require into your arm, hook the hose right there into your rear end, and just, well, start sending it on down the line. Put the hose right out there in the planter, right where the flowers are, and you'll fertilize your flowers. Just squeeze one off and you've got geraniums for six months. New, from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Gang-rape watch
Peenman Enterprises sells the new gang-rape watch. That's right, a watch that will tell perfect time no matter how many times you're forced to bend over (words are slurrred incomprehensibly) captured by space aliens, sleeping in Netherland and while in prison. New, from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Hand-crank radio
Friends, I know that you’ve been asking yourselves, “What is it with this hand-crank radio”? Can I really crank it and hear things?” Well, crank the radio, yes. But I’m getting an awful lot of messages from a lot of you Coast-to-Coast listeners who say “Art, I cranked it last night and I couldn’t hear a thing.” Well, when we’re talking about cranking it, we’re talking about having the hand-crank radio. You people who are cranking something else, your problem, your loss. So whether you're yanking it or cranking it, get the hand-crank radio, NEW from Peenman Enterprises. Just crank it and listen to China for about 3 seconds until you have to crank it again. It’s new from Peenman Enterprises. Next time you feel like cranking something, make sure it’s… the radio…
[edit] Horse Jerky
Friends, when the apocalypse comes and you’re sitting in a cave, fighting other people for food, you’re depressed, you’re despondent, your wife, your children have all been abducted by the road warrior, and you’re hungry. What will you eat? Have you considered horsemeat? Y’know, it only sounds scary, and new Peenman Enterprises Horse Jerky answers the problem. Yes, Horse Jerky comes in chili, guacamole, and teriyaki. Horse Jerky is delicious. When you’re on the go, running from a band of rapists, or when you’re just sitting around your cave contemplating suicide. Say you’re dying of radiation sickness and you want one last bite of protein. Horse Jerky, yes, it’s Horse Jerky, made from the ass end of real Kentucky Derby losers. It’s Horse Jerky and it’s new from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Hulk Bong
Friends, it’s possible that you’ve been exposed to gamma radiation that could alter your body chemistry and genetics and that when you get angry you might turn into a large, green muscleman with a speech impediment and elastic pants, but now Peenman Enterprises can help you forget your worries about those embarrasssing moments when getting angry in traffic could cause you to pick up someone’s car and throw it into the Pacific Ocean. Peenman Enterprises presents the new Hulk Bong, get the Hulk Bong sized perfectly for biochemical mutants with anger issues. The Hulk Bong can accommodate Dave Chappelle sized lips and half the marijuana output of the Mexican state of Guerrero. Get the new Hulk Bong, NEW from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Lead bars spray-painted gold
As you know, the Art Bell Show is telling you: stock up on gold because you never know when world economies collapse and there is nothing left of civilization and your wives and daughters are subject to rape, random rape from any stranger that knocks on the door. Why not have big piles of gold? Gold doubloons, gold bullion, large gold bars, that's right. Well, we know that gold is expensive, but why not buy our handy lead bars that are spray-painted gold? That's right, you can have them in a room, stare at them and think you're rich. New from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Luigi Minelli Sports Jacket
When the darkness comes and the lava flows; when the call of a distant wolf tells you the Rapture has arrived, don't be caught meeting Jesus in anything other than the Luigi Minelli sports jacket with matching ass cotton slip-ons. Yes, for the man on the go or the man going to Hell, the new Luigi Minelli sports jacket and Luigi Minelli yachting windbreaker tells the entire hereafter, "Here I am." So go to the Devil in style with slacks, sweaters, Dickies, slip-ons and turtlenecks from Luigi Minelli. Now in the Sherman Oaks Galleria. New, from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Motion-activated laser beam
This laser is activated by moving it around, thereby providing the best laser light show a hand can muster. Please note, it does not activate while still and is not recommended as a pointer...
[edit] Penis safe
Are you afraid that you're going to sexually assault your girlfriend or your wife one night and find that while you slept she sliced off your penis with a rusty tin can lid? Well now you can brutalize the woman you love and still wake up with your thing in your hand with the new Peenman Enterprises Penis Safe. That's right, just lock it on, hide the key and pass out from your violent, drunken binge. In the morning you get the key, wherever you put it, unlock the penis safe and there it is. Peenman is not responsible for Penis Safes that cant be unlocked because the key was lost. The Peenman Enterprises Penis Safe is impossible to remove without the key; You'll live your entire life with essentially a barbell hanging between your legs. Yes, don't worry about waking up with the thing cut off and lying in a vacant lot anymore. The new Peenman Enterprises Penis Safe; New, from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Picture of Spanish gold doubloons
Friends, you've heard me talking about the incredible gold doubloons from the Spanish galleon that were recovered by archeologists in 1998; over 10,000 gold Spanish doubloon coins were discovered and now, you too, yes, you could have a piece of this marvelous discovery. All you have to do is send $10 to: Gold Doubloons, Beaverton, WA. You'll get a photograph of the gold doubloons and for an additional $10 you'll receive a photograph of Dr. Milton Weed, the scientist who led the expedition as he relaxes in East France next to a pile of the Spanish Gold Doubloons. Yes, Spanish gold Doubloons, you've heard of them, now you can own a picture of them; Just $10 to Spanish Gold Doubloons Beaverton, WA. By the way no one really knows what a gold doubloon is or how much it's really worth, whether it's gold or not.
[edit] Pocket 4-1-1 Dictionary
Friends, these days it's pretty much impossible getting anything done what with the average American being so stupid. For instance, try getting a number from directory assistance; most of the operators are so illiterate they can't even spell "Smith" or "Brown." Well, the new Peenman Pocket 4-1-1 Dictionary can help you assist the 4-1-1 operator in spelling any name you're asking her to look up, in fact it has it, in many of the cases, numbers you're going to be asking her to look up so you can call 9-1-1, tell her how to spell the name you're looking for and if she can't give you number, well, you can give her that number so she can give it back to you. Just another way Peenman is helping you cope with the new, unbelievably stupid millennium.
[edit] Raccoon Pelts
Folks, as you know, the world is coming to an end very quickly. Won't be long now before there isn't anything: food, water - nothing. No communications and certainly no way of bartering or trading. Have you thought about the wonderful opportunities available in Raccoon Pelts? That's right, all you have to do is wright down this number: 1-800-RACCOONASS and call that number to get your free supply of Raccoon Pelts. Wonderful for trading with the Road Warrior. Or if you like to just make a hat out of it, make sure the tail isn't in your face, you'll think there's a cat sleeping on your head. That's right, Raccoon Pelts. The new way to trade in the future when money is useless. New, from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Resource Book
[edit] Seashell
Friends, when the world comes to an end, you're holding off a band of flesh eating looters trying to simultaneously steal your food and rape your dog, how will you find time to relax? Well, the new Peenman Enterprises Seashell makes the sound of the Ocean just by holding it up to your ear. That's right, calming and soothing; It's just right for those stressful moments when a new mutant race of cannibal skateboarders are attempting to disembowel your parakeet and steal your car. Peenman Enterprises Seashell - new, from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Smoke Signal Kit
[edit] Superflush Remote
November 4, 1998
Friends, you know I've been talking to you about the Superflush Remote. I don't know how many times this has happened to you. As you know, I told you that my wife, Ramona and I, traveled to Europe over the last several months and we were also in Africa and we were in the deepest, darkest jungles of Africa as well as India... and I'll tell you something; I was glad, my friends, that I had the Superflush Remote because I said to Ramona as we were staring at the pyramids of Egypt, "You know, Ramona, I don't think I flushed the toilet before we left the house," I said "There's something in the bowl and when we come back it could be... a bad situation especially with the Y2K coming up." Thank God I had the Superflush Remote. You can flush your toilet from any country in the world. From an entire ocean away, from an entire continent away. You can be in Ghana. As a matter of fact, we were in Sierra Leone and I whipped out the Superflush Remote, pressed the button and in America, way back in Parumph, Nevada I could almost hear the flush as the Superflush Remote did its job. Friends, let me tell you you've got to have it. They now have a keychain version, friends, a keychain version of the Superflush Remote. Just whip out your keys... the car keys that you probably don't need if you're traveling in Sierra Leone. I don't think you'd have your automobile with you, but if you do and you've got your car keys, you have the keychain version of the Superflush Remote. Friends, just push a button and somewhere far, far away... a toilet flushing. The Superflush Remote now from Peenman Enterprises. Often when you're at work you recall, "Didn't flush the toilet. Something is over there. Something... something's coming. Something good. Could be, who knows?" The Superflush Remote will jam it right away. It'll just flush it away and you'll be living large. That's the Superflush Remote from Peenman Enterprises. Dial that all-important 1-800 number now: five five five, five five fuh-five five fuh-fuh-fuh-fe-fe-feeh five five. The Superflush Remote from Peenman Enterprises: it is an outstanding, outstanding gift idea this holiday season.
[edit] White slaving
Friends, are you tired of working at the same, old, mediocre job? Do you know the big money that can be made in white slaving? That's right, white slaving has returned, there are many very profitable businessmen in places of color, third world countries; Asia, Malasia, the South Indian Ocean, Africa and places like that that would give all big money for a white woman. If your wife's nagging, talking too much, your daughter's a pain in the rear sector, why not pack them off in a duffel bag and sell them to the highest bidding black man. That's right, white slaving - new, from Peenman.
[edit] Wind-up radio
[edit] Wrigley's Flavorburst Cyanide Gum
Friends, in an apocalyptic future, after the road warrior’s had his way with you and leaves your wife and your daughter slung over his shoulder, you’ll probably want to kill yourself. Without any weapons of any kind, having all been confiscated by the local warlord, it might be a daunting task. MIGHT be, but WON'T be, not with delicious new Wrigley's Flavor-Burst Cyanide Gum. One chew and you’re dead in the nuclear dust, with the extra added benefit of meeting the Grim Reaper with fresh breath. Yes, it’s new Wrigley's Flavor-Burst Cyanide Gum, and the very same gum Adolf offered to Eva before the chauffer set fire to their bodies, NEW from PEENMAN ENTERPRISES.
[edit] Y2K Ass Purse
Folks, have you ever wondered where you will store your money for safekeeping when the Y2K bug hits and you need to protect yourself from would-be robbers and the road warrior? Just get yourself the new Y2K Ass Purse. All you do is insert any money, coins, gold bricks, trading stamps into the patented Y2K Ass Purse and then you just *BINK* right up the old Royal American. That's the new Y2K Ass Purse, protecting your rectum for just over eleven months, NEW from Peenman Enterprises.
[edit] Y2K Human Waste Chili Maker
Friends, an exciting new product from Peenman Enterprises is available! Once the Y2K bug hits this January, and there is looting and rioting, let’s hope that you’ve got a safe place to be. And if you do have a safe place to be, you CANNOT be without the new Y2K Human Waste Chili Maker. Now get a pen and paper ready to write down this information, I think it is going to be exciting. The new Y2K Human Waste Chili Maker is something totally new and revolutionary… it is entirely recyclable, and it will guarantee that your family will never be out of food. What you do, quite simply, is, when you feel the need to defecate, you do that into the new Y2K Human Waste Chili Maker and it recycles into delicious chili, you just add some cayenne spice, and obviously some other garlic spices—season to taste---and you’ve got BRAND NEW, DELICIOUS CHILI! NEW… from PEENMAN ENTERPRISES!
