Pale Force
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Pale Force is a series of short animations starring Jim Gaffigan that air on Late Night with Conan O’Brien. They base their humor on the "paleness" of both Gaffigan and O'Brien. The animation and music are done by New Yorker cartoonist Paul Noth.
[edit] Synopsis
Jim Gaffigan and Conan O’Brien are a crime-fighting duo with the “superpower” of paleness. They can also shoot lasers out of their nipples. They fight criminals such as Lady Bronze (“voiced by Eartha Kitt”) and Philip Seymour Hoffman (who looks like Gaffigan). While there are a multitude of characters in the animations, all the voice acting is done by Gaffigan. While Gaffigan is drawn as a muscular, tall man, O’Brien is scrawny and always crying and saying lines such as “Jim, help me!”, and often wetting himself.
All the episodes are available on Pale Force's website, while some (usually the first part of a story) are shown when Gaffigan appears on O'Brien's show as guest. There, most of the dialogue between the two consists of Gaffigan trying to explain to O’Brien that his character is pivotal in the show. O’Brien frequently complains about how wimpy and incompetent his character is (he is not involved in the creation of the animation). One of Gaffigan’s retorts to this was “if it’s not true to life, people won’t believe it.”
[edit] Episodes
[edit] Episode 1 & 2: Meet Pale Force
The first episode of Pale Force opens with two robbers stealing a diamond. Jim and Conan shine their chests at the robbers and blind them with whiteness. Later, Lady Bronze, the main villain in the series, captures Conan and Jim comes to save him. It is ended on a cliffhanger with Lady Bronze saying “Jim don’t kill me, I love you,” to which he responds “You don’t love me, you love crime.”
[edit] Episode 3 & 4: Pale Force Begins
Jim introduces this episode as how Conan joined Pale Force. It starts with Conan watching Pale Man, which is a show only starring Jim and has a different theme song. Conan then leaves his house and is bullied by children about half of his size. Jim then saves Conan and teaches him to use his pale power. Jim presents him to the Legion Of Pale (name reminiscent to the Legion of Doom), with members such as Ron Howard, The White Stripes, Larry Bird, Nicole Kidman, Senator John McCain, Santa Claus, Sir Elton John, Chris Matthews, The State of Utah, a polar bear, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Richie "LaBamba" Rosenberg (who is not actually pale but makes a quip about Conan). Lady Bronze captures the duo later in the episode, and Conan saves them by breaking the machinery they are tied to through urination.
[edit] Episode 5 & 6: Pale Imposter
In this episode Philip Seymour Hoffman seeks revenge on Jim for having to live in his shadow. He decides to use his “acting powers” to imitate Jim and give him a bad reputation. After Hoffman successfully touts about town drinking alcohol and doing other questionable activities dressed as Jim, it is necessary for Jim to be presented in front of the Legion of Pale, where he is banished to the shade cave. At the cave, Hoffman (dressed as Jim) is about to blow up the cave when Conan comes out, thoroughly confused. Jim comes out of the cave, and Conan, now with a revolver in his hand, must decide which one is the imposter and which is the real Jim. They go back and forth saying “facts” about Conan that are generally very wimpy attributes such as “you have ambiguous genitalia.” Jim saves the day because Conan’s gun is made of chocolate.
[edit] Episode 7 & 8: Sidekicks
Distraught, Conan finds solace in a sidekick support program, featuring Art Garfunkel, Chewbacca, Max Weinberg, and Robin. Conan reveals that he feels unequal to Jim after Jim's image is added to Mount Rushmore when Pale Force saves President Lincoln's sculpture from being vandalized. Meanwhile Conan only is given a small, embarrassing statue. Conan regains confidence when Jim shows up to the sidekick support program and says he always felt like he was Conan's sidekick. Jim declares that both members of Pale Force will be treated as equals. Jim then goes to Mexico in a Conan-powered-rickshaw.
[edit] Episode 9, 10 & 11: Miss Massachusetts
Jim goes to the Legion of Pale with some disturbing information. Once-pale stars Lindsay Lohan, Scarlett Johansson and Clay Aiken have all become strikingly tan over the last year and have also become increasingly promiscuous. Their connection- they were all participants in the Miss Pale America pageant. Jim nominates Conan to infiltrate the pageant dressed in drag to retrieve valuable information. Nicole Kidman, Gwyneth Paltrow, Bette Midler, Christina Ricci and Sarah Vowell take Conan shopping. After a musical montage, Conan only needs to don a dress and a pair of earrings in order to pass off as a woman.
Once at the competition, a doctor announces that in addition to the drug screening, there were no irregular testosterone levels in any contestant, ergo, no competitor had a penis or testicles, much to Conan's chagrin. When other Miss Pale America contestants make fun of Conan's hair, he runs off crying. Once outside, Conan is encountered by Wilmer Valderrama who forces Conan to get into his car. Jim and Larry Bird watch the situation unfold from a Wonder Bread van.
The Miss Pale America Pageant begins with a monologue by Vladamir Putin. Conan plays Danny Boy on a glass harp and ribbon dances for the talent portion of the competition. Judges Ed Begley Jr., Elijah Wood and Wilmer Valderrama unanimously crown Conan the winner. After the competition, Wilmer Valderrama propositions Conan to make good on his promise and become tan. Jim interrupts and punches Valderrama out. Conan then gives Jim his victory bouquet which Jim proceeds to eat.
[edit] Episode 12: Charlie Rose
Jim and Conan appear on the PBS talk show, Charlie Rose. Rose incessantly interrupts and asks banal questions of the duo. Then, he announces that the country of Afghanistan has changed its name to "Gafganistan". Rose reveals that he had recently done interviews with Pale Force's arch-nemesis Lady Bronze. Bronze says that she only hates pale people and that shouldn't take away from all of the work she's done for non-pale children. During the flashback, Rose rolls another tape of his interview with a USB port. During this flashback, Rose says that two years from this point he will be interviewing Pale Force. The show returns to a dumbfounded Pale Force. Rose then bids his audience adieu and the show closes.
[edit] Episode 13 & 14: Conan and the King
While cleaning the Shade Cave, Conan discovers a time machine. Jim scolds Conan for touching it, saying it is needed to fight crime in the future. Conan wishes he could be in a world where people would appreciate him as he accidentally trips the switch on the time machine and is transported to 17th century England. Conan arrives naked in the year 1665 inside of Buckingham Palace. He hops into an oakley, where he changes into traditional (and flamboyant) clothing. Three dandies admire Conan for his femininity and pale complexion. Conan enjoys the newfound attention and exclaims, "Wow, real friends!" Conan becomes part of a eunuch choir which performs in front of the royal family. Conan is locked in the Tower of London where bobbies tell him that he will be there until he is skin and bones and in a pool of his own urine, to which Conan cries, "I already am."
Conan has a hallucination about Cinderella, but quickly wakes up to a kiss from a fellow prisoner. Meanwhile, Jim travels back in time and poses as a statue. He then steals a suit of armor and breaks Conan out of prison. The duo is confronted by the king who propositions Conan to stay in an age where pale, effeminate men rule the world and wetting one's breeches is a sign of sophistication. Jim questions who will do his ironing, prompting Conan to agree to go back to modern times. Conan cleans the Shade Cave while Jim takes a hot tub with Wonder Woman.
[edit] Episode 15 & 16: Conan in Love
Conan has a chat with a woman online and falls in love instantly. He thinks it's some pretty woman when the woman sends a picture of a stick figure drawing. It turns out to actually be Lady Bronze. Jim, who is in the hot tub with The Mona Lisa, George Bush, Laura Bush, and The Scream, tells Conan to take it slow, after all he's been married to Yoko Ono, Tom Arnold and Sally Jesse Raphael.
When she goes over to The Shade Cave, she tricks him and traps him. Jim, however, comes to the rescue and makes a spoof of To Catch a Predator by Dateline NBC. It ends in hilarity when Stone Phillips turns out to be a R2D2 and his head falls off, but is on a spring.
[edit] Episode 17, 18 & 19: Pale Christmas
In a parody of It's a Wonderful Life, Conan greets everybody in town with "Merry Christmas!" on Christmas Eve (similar to Jimmy Stewart near the end of the movie). However, he is mocked by everybody (including Jesus and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer) for his paleness, and fired by boss Jeff Zucker (in a wheelchair a la Mr. Potter) as he says "I'm Jewish, you moron!" With his holiday spirit broken, Conan arrives at a bridge and meets Jimmy Stewart, who greets him with "What's the matter little girl?" and tells him "Why don't you jump off the bridge and kill yourself? That's what I'd do you pale freak." At this moment Conan wishes he had never been pale. Suddenly his skin becomes tanned, and Jim appears to show him what Conan's life would be if he had never been pale. First he takes him to the set of Late Night with Conan O'Brien, but instead of Conan, the host is now Howdy O'Doody. He continues to tell him that he never went to Harvard because he was so popular in High School. Jim then tells him that he is one of the hosts of The View. When Conan says "A host of The View what could possibly be more humiliating.", Death shows him his tombstone which reads "Conan O'Brien - Fired from 'The View'", next to Star Jones and others who were also fired. Conan then wishes that he was pale again. A slice of white bread then appears and says that it's his "Fairy White Bread" and that to be pale again Conan must eat him with Mayo. Conan becomes pale again and starts to sing "Christmas is the Palest Time of Year" with other pale people.
[edit] Episode 20, 21 & 22: Pale Force The Movie
[edit] Episode 23, 24 & 25: Law & Order: Pale Force
[edit] Episode 26: The Cliffhanger (Season Finale)
[edit] Members of the Legion of Pale
- Larry Bird
- David Caruso
- Goth girl community rep
- Philip Seymour Hoffman
- Ron Howard
- Sir Elton John
- Nicole Kidman
- Chris Matthews
- Senator John McCain
- Bette Midler
- Gwyneth Paltrow
- Edgar Allan Poe
- Christina Ricci
- Richie "LaBamba" Rosenberg
- Colonel Sanders
- Santa Claus
- Talking polar bear
- The State of Utah
- Sarah Vowell
- The White Stripes, also shown separately as Meg White and Jack White
- Steven Wright
