Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

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Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (published in May 1992) is a book by John Gray offering many suggestions for improving husband-wife relationships by understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite sex.

The book, as suggested by the title, asserts the notion that men and women are as different as beings from other planets. ^[1] Gray adopts this metaphor as the central theme of all his books and seminars, likening men and women to the classical Greek god Mars and goddess Venus as ideal types.

In contrast to some psychologists (and feminists) who emphasize similarities between the sexes, Gray writes almost exclusively about differences. Gray briefly mentions the fact that his "Martians" and "Venusians" are only stereotypes and cannot be applied blindly to individuals.

Gray acknowledges that the "Mars-Venusian" split is merely a generalization that cannot apply to all men and women, but this is easily overlooked because the book focuses on differences. Where sex differences exist, there is often considerable overlap between the sexes. ^{[2] [3]}

An example of the theories it offers is that women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged, while men complain about problems because they are asking for solutions. Other concepts in the book are the difference between women and men's point systems and how they react under stress.

Contents 1 Communication styles 2 Point system 3 The cave and the wave 4 Critical response 5 References on pop culture 6 Notes 7 External links

[edit] Communication styles

According to Gray, a woman relieves stress by talking about it, which the man may interpret as an accusation or request for a solution. In terms of woman (or Venusian language) it is just sharing a problem which she wants to be acknowledged. The man on the other hand has a basic instinct to give a solution because Martians (that is, men) do not discuss a problem unless they want a solution.

This can become a bone of contention between a husband and wife because he jumps in with his answer and she interprets this as an undue interruption and makes her feel as if she's not being listened to. The author suggests that this conflict can be avoided if the man understands this situation and silently listens rather than offer a solution. Once she has been heard she will become de-stressed and normalized.

On the other hand, just listening to a man will be similarly frustrating for him, because he's asking for your advice, not your sympathy. The woman needs to understand this and offer practical advice rather than just being sympathetic.

[edit] Point system

Gray suggests that while a man might count a $200 present as 20 points and a $10 item as 1 point, women count each item as 1 point. The emotional stroke delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead to conflict when a man thinks he has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the female has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly.

[edit] The cave and the wave

Another major point of Gray's books are the differences in the way they react under stress. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave." In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or craft room.

On the other hand, he believes that women want to discuss problems when they occur. This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman constantly tries to grow closer. This becomes a major source of conflict between any man and woman.

As one reviewer put it:

When men go into their cave, they are actually going through a phase of their relationship with a woman, when they want to be left alone. Any woman who has wondered why a boyfriend is not e mailing/calling/messaging/meeting her will know what it feels like to be shut out of the cave. Women and 'the wave' is a concept [which] means that women go through periodic phases when they are unable to keep up their spirits without help and assistance from understanding men. At such times, 'the wave' crashes, and it needs to be given love and reassurance to rise up again with its usual confidence. [3]

[edit] Critical response

Some researchers agree with Gray's ideas about male-female communications differences. Deborah Tannen's studies of male/female communication find that "for women, talk creates intimacy... But men live in a hierarchical world, where talk maintains independence and status." ^[4]. However, other studies do not find such differences. Erina MacGeorge found only a 2 percent difference between communication styles and argues that "when it comes to comforting, the Mars-Venus concept is not only wrong, but harmful. For the most part, men and women use, and strongly prefer, the same ways of comforting others – listening, sympathizing and giving thoughtful advice."^[5]

Some feminists have criticized the book for being misogynistic and patronizing ^[6] When discussing relations with the opposite sex, one often hears the complaint, "It's like she's from another planet!", while others accuse it of being written as a 'self-improvement' book for women, blatantly suggesting that women should adapt to men's ways of communicating, rather than both genders co-operating. Susan Hamson's web site "The Rebuttal From Uranus" says:

"Despite its promotional hype, at its very core it is a sexist, patronizing, male-centered invective which does little more than perpetuate long-held negative gender stereotypes"

Hamson objects to the lack of reference and details about the research Gray claims to have made, as well as to two central points which she feels Gray makes in his book:

• "that men fulfill active roles and are seen as ambitious and powerful. Women, however, satisfy passive roles"; and,
• "although the author may grudgingly admit that women are cognizant human beings, they must necessarily take a back seat to the dominant male in their lives in order to routinely accommodate his wants and desires." ^[7]

Other commentators have praised the book for its accessible style and its practical advice on dealing with communication and relationships. For example, John Grohol describes it as “a concise, direct book which gives everyone who reads it down-to-earth advice about what to do to improve your relationship, and how to improve its quality.” ^[8]

Formal education: The quality of Gray's PhD status (apart from his unquestionable experience in dealing with many couples) is by some reports, dubious at best, and fradulent at worse, as the educational organization his PhD is purported to be from was, at the time, reportedly a "paper mill for doctorates". ^{[9] [10]}

[edit] References on pop culture

• Tom and Ray Magliozzi, the Car Talk guys spoofed the title of this book on their comedy album Men are from GM, Women are from Ford.

• The title was also spoofed in a Pearls Before Swine strip, with Rat having launched a book called Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Meteors That Landed On Mars.

• The band Men From Earth deliberately spoofed the title of this famous book when choosing their name. In similar way, one man a cappella rock band Paska named its debut album Women Are From Venus, Men From Anus.

• John Gray appeared on Season 1, Episode 9 of Penn & Teller's Bullshit! which covered the self-help industry.

• The book was the basis for a 1999 CD-ROM which featured author John Gray and a 2000 television talk show hosted by Cybill Shepherd which lasted one season.

• Gray adapted Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus as musical romantic comedy; it was performed (premiered?) at Broadway's Gerschwin Theater from January 27-Feb 2, 1997, and later at the Flamigo Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas, in 2001.

• The American neo-conservative, Robert Kagan, used the term "Americans are from Mars and Europeans are from Venus" to describe their use of power in world affairs. (Americans tend to use hard power, military might and threats, while the Europeans uses "soft power," which is economic, diplomatic and political power). This term one could say, comes from the book's title.

The book was also featured in Clueless as one of Chers’ book choices for the week.

[edit] Notes

[edit] External links

• Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
• Rebuttal from Uranus

• My best mirror of my own self is my relationship