Man Laws
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Man Laws (Men of the Square Table) are a series of beer commercials for Miller Lite, inspired by the unwritten codes men live by. In the commercials, the panel discusses a given issue until it decides upon a "Man Law". The "Men of the Square Table" are a parody of King Arthur's Knights of the Round Table. The "Square Table" they congregate around is located in what appears to be a secret, Dr. Strangelove-esque room with glass (probably soundproof) walls.
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[edit] Members of the Square Table
In the commercials, it is their job to adjudge what is manly and what is not manly in common male situations. The panel is composed of important, macho, and famous men. Among the topics discussed are the proper etiquette for courting a friend's ex-girlfriend, and deciding who rightfully owns Miller Lite brought to parties. The Members of the Square Table are as follows:
| Character | Real Name |
|---|---|
| Mr. Binnie | Brian Binnie, pilot/astronaut who flew Spaceship One when it won the X Prize [1] |
| Mr. Bus | Jerome Bettis, former Pro Bowl NFL running back of the Pittsburgh Steelers; Super Bowl winner [2] |
| Mr. de la Hoya | Oscar de la Hoya, professional boxer [3] |
| Mr. Flynn | Jackie Flynn, actor/comedian [4] |
| Mr. Gesner | Zen Gesner, actor [5] |
| Mr. Griffin | Eddie Griffin, actor/comedian [6] |
| Mr. H | Triple H, actor/WWE professional wrestler [7] |
| Mr. Hart | Carey Hart, actor/professional motocrosser [8] |
| Mr. Johnson | Jimmy Johnson, former college football and NFL coach [9] |
| Mr. Kelly | Jim Kelly, Hall of Fame Pro Bowl quarterback formerly of the Buffalo Bills (NFL) and the Houston Gamblers (USFL). |
| Mr. Markbreit | Jerry Markbreit, former NFL referee [10] |
| Mr. Murray | Ty Murray, 7-time All-Around World Rodeo Champion [11] |
| Mr. Ralston | Aron Ralston, climber who cut off his own lower arm when a boulder fell on it during a climb [12] |
| Mr. Renteria | Paul Renteria, actor/musician [13] |
| Mr. Reynolds | Burt Reynolds, actor [14] |
| The Scribe | Johnny Holiday, actor [15] |
[edit] Television advertisements
This list is not complete, it represents only a subset of the commercials within this series.
| Problem Posed | Man Law Solution |
|---|---|
| If your dog is better than you at picking up an online date, is it okay to go out with her instead? | It was decided by a group of rather nerdy looking Bud drinkers that Yes you could go on the date, but only if you took the dog along. That way if she turned out to be a dog as well, you could let them go at it and you got to drink all the beer. |
| Your best friend is dumped by his girlfriend. How long before you can ask her out? | It was suggested to be various short amounts of time, but the idea of dating a friend's ex was thought to be wholly unacceptable by Mr. Reynolds. However, when asked "What if she's drop-dead gorgeous?", Mr. Reynolds changed his answer to "Six months" and the motion was summarily accepted. |
| If you bring Miller Lite to a party and not all of it is consumed, can you take the remainder with you as you leave the party? | Tuck Rule: One beer max, but only if the beer will fit in your pocket. |
| If a friend gets you a beer from the bar, is it acceptable for the friend to stick his finger in the opening to bring back several beers to the table at once? | No. "You poke it, you own it." |
| When toasting with beer, should you clink with the top or the bottom of the bottle? | The Bottom, because clinking the top would swap saliva and thus qualify as kissing. |
| Is the high five officially played out? | Yes, but a continuance has been issued until a replacement can be found. |
| Does someone have to root for a team when watching football? | Yes. You must always choose to root for a team. |
| Is it permissible to hide your beer in the fridge so that others can't find it? | No, "sharing is caring." |
| Wireless phone headsets: pretty cool or technology gone bad? | Technology gone bad: Anything that makes you look like a crazy person - not cool. (Mr. Bus completely disagrees.) |
| Can you put a lime or any other fruit in your beer? | No, fruit is completely off limits in beer. If one was to put fruit in a beer, they might as well put a little umbrella in it and call it a "beera colada". Man Law: "Don't Fruit the Beer." |
| Is it permissible, in the pursuit of humor, to tap the top of another man's beer bottle with the bottom of your beer bottle, causing the other man's beer bottle to fizz over? | No, as there are plenty of other things that make us laugh without wasting a drop of beer, like Japanese game shows, Undercover Brother on DVD, and Jimmy Johnson's hair. Man Law: "No wasting beer in the pursuit of humor." |
| Have football fans become too reliant on the "D-Fence" sign? | Yes, however, a continuance has been issued on the "D-Fence" sign, while giving a try-out to the "Off-Fence" sign this season. |
| Is it acceptable for a man to leave his fellow men in order to leave with his woman? | No, however, this ruling can be overturned if she is deemed attractive enough by said fellow men. Most notably, Burt Reynolds, in the case of Mr. Murray's girlfriend, Jewel. |
| Is it acceptable to leave a game before it ends to beat traffic? | No. In a rare double man law it was also deemed unacceptable for a man to bake on game day. |
| Is it acceptable for a man to use a fake log when real wood is available? | No. Real wood must always be used. |
| Is it acceptable for a wife or girlfriend to store items other than beer in the garage fridge? | No. The line is the line - It is only sovereign territory left. |
| Is crushing beer cans on your forehead still cool? | No. Cans are not as thick as they once were. Crushing one back then was saying something, but now, it's lame. |
| Is telling stories of getting kicked in the balls reasonable male conversation? | No. Hearing a story of that nature brings back painful memories because every man has his own story. |
[edit] Demise
As of March 23, 2007 the advertising agency that Miller Brewing Co. hired "resigned" their account, citing strategic and creative differences. Ultimately their campaign did not increase sales of the targeted product 'Miller Lite'.
