Luvliner

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Luvliner is an episode of the science-fiction TV series, LEXX.

[edit] Summary

It is night aboard the Lexx, and the ever-horny crew seems especially restless. As 790 (robot) is on the bridge reciting love poetry about Xev, Xev herself is having what appears to be an erotic dream, and her moans are keeping Stanley Tweedle awake. Just then a signal comes in, featuring a sexy commercial for a space brothel, Luvliner. Stan and Xev are intrigued, and set course for Luvliner.

When they arrive nearby, they get a transmission from the manager, an incredibly sleazy and jaded man named Schlemmi. In a very bored voice, Schlemmi recites a little jingle about the pleasures of Luvliner {"The wiggle, the jiggle, the ooh-la-la, boys that will tempt you and sheep that go, 'baaa!'") Negotiations break down when Schlemmi finds out the Lexx crew has no money, and he nastily insults them until Stan blows up a local (presumably uninhabited) moon to show that he deserves respect. This causes Schlemmi to suddenly remember that it's "Bob's Comet Day" and he invites the crew aboard, free of charge.

Stan, Xev and 790 board Luvliner, leaving Kai behind sleeping in his cryopod. Luvliner turns out to be very run down, dirty and depressing. Schlemmi gives them keys to their rooms, and Stan - astutely sensing that Schlemmi is not one to be trusted - tells Schlemmi that the Lexx will blow up Luvliner unless they return in two hours.

In their rooms, the Lexx crew are offered choices for sexual partners. 790 is offered various eletrical appliances, but he refuses them all, only wanting Xev. Stan is offered various men and women (mostly men) who don't appeal to him at all. Xev is offered a muscular fellow, and selects him. He turns out to be Vartan, a handsome and extremely sensitive and sweet fellow, exactly what Xev has always longed for. Stan's date turns out to be a scrawny, unusual-looking woman. At first he rejects her rather callously, but she turns out to be a rather sensitive person herself and she makes Stan feel guilty for being so brusque. Then she begins to seduce him, and he finds himself warming to her.

Meanwhile, Schlemmi has contacted a fearsome, bald thug named Aulk, and the two plan to take over the Lexx. Aulk demands 90 percent of the profits. Schlemmi balks, but soon realizes that Aulk is not one to haggle with.

Then Schlemmi goes to visit 790, announcing, "I've been waiting an eternity for someone like you." 790 shrieks horribly. Schlemmi then places 790 on a pedestal and opens his robe, revealing a bizarre bondage outfit with blinking lights. He tells 790 he is tired of "flesh on parade" and begins putting on increasingly strange equipment, including light-up goggles and a disturbing mouthpiece. "You're my kind of fun now," he says as he moves in to give the terrified robot head a big kiss.

Just then Aulk arrives on Luvliner, disintegrates Stan's date with a ray gun, and takes the terrified Stan with him. They find an embarrassed Schlemmi in the middle of violating 790, and he tells them defensively that he likes new experiences. Aulk then barges into Xev's room and vaporizes Vartan. He is about to kill Xev when he learns she is a virgin, and decides to hold off.

Once they're on board the Lexx, Schlemmi calls the group of space gangsters he works for and insultingly quits his job working at Luvliner. Schlemmi makes Stan blow up Luvliner, then he forces Stan to head for Oneida 19, where the gangsters are, "so I can deliver my resignation in person!"

Aulk has heard of Kai and knows he's dangerous, so he orders Schlemmi to take a moth ship to a nearby sun, hauling Kai's pod along, and dump Kai into it. Once Schlemmi is gone, Aulk prepares to rape Xev, promising her "your first, your best and your last." Under stress, Xev's cluster lizard side emerges and she starts to fight him off. He pushes her down, saying, "And here I never thought it could be special again..." Xev continues to fight him. During the fight Stan orders Lexx to go get Kai, but then Schlemmi returns, zapping Xev with an electricity weapon. Thinking fast, Stanley orders Lexx to bank hard, sending everybody off-balance. Angry, Aulk knocks Xev over the side of the bridge and as she hangs on he tries to knock her off, to her death. When Stan won't divert the ship from saving Kai, Schlemmi shocks him.

Meanwhile, Kai is nearing the sun and he wakes up. He sees Lexx nearby and uses his brace as a grappling hook.

On the ship, Aulk knocks Xev loose, but as she's falling Kai catches her with his brace. Once back on the bridge, Xev pushes Aulk over and he falls, laughing heartily, to his death. Now outnumbered, Schlemmi claims that he was only Aulk's puppet all along, and now that he's free he'll devote the rest of his life to charity.

Some time later, Stan and Xev are talking and they admit they are both still as sexually restless as ever. Xev playfully gets Stanley's hopes up, only to dash them by saying she likes her men tall, handsome... and dead. She only has eyes for Kai.

Just as Schlemmi's mob bosses are watching his taped resignation, he crashes through their ceiling all bundled up and helpless. He tries to talk his way out of it, but the mob bosses chuckle wickedly. Things don't look good for Schlemmi.

[edit] Notes

• Luvliner was the second episode of Lexx the Sci-Fi Channel aired in North America, after debuting with Nook, from later in the season. The explanation given at the time was that the network wanted to capitalize on the popularity of Xenia Seeberg, so they started with stand-alone episodes spotlighting her, rather than beginning the season with the first episodes, which featured another actress as Xev (then known as Zev).

• It is never made clear exactly what Schlemmi does to 790. It appears to be a rape of some kind, despite the fact that 790, in addition to being a machine, has no apparent orifices. Nonetheless, rape being played for comedy - even extremely dark comedy - is of course quite a rarity for television.

• Schlemmi's spirit is resurrected on the planet Water in season three. Played by the same actor (Jeff Pustil) but now called Fifi, Schlemmi was a damned soul who somehow was reincarnated in Gametown on the heaven-like planet Water instead of the Hell-like planet Fire. His own wickedness eventually led to his being killed, only for him to then be reborn on Earth as a sleazy reality show producer desperately trying to deny his own, repressed homosexuality. He was eventually taken over by a carrot-shaped robot probe, and died.