List of humorous units of measurement
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- This is a sub-article to List of unusual units of measurement
Many comedians and humour writers have made use of, or invented, units of measurement intended primarily for their humour value. They can be found on this page. This is a list of units invented primarily for their humour value, by sources that are notable for reasons other than having made the unit itself, or of humorous units that are very widely known in the anglophone world for their humour value.
[edit] Conventional
These units may or may not have precise objectively measurable values, but all of them measure quantities that have been defined within the S.I. system of units.
[edit] Distances: Potrzebie
In the 1950s, Mad magazine presented its own system of weights and measures in Donald Knuth's first professionally published article "The Potrzebie System of Weights and Measures" (Mad Magazine #33, June 1957). The basic unit of this system was the potrzebie, which equals the thickness of Mad issue 26, or 2.263348517438173216473 mm.
[edit] Distance: Missy Elliott
In a series of short humorous articles by the Scottish writer James Docherty, the "Missy Elliot" measurement was used to describe the distance the artist would cover in particular situations.
For example, he described her in saying, "If you were to put 12,500 Missy Elliotts atop of each other, you could build a sustainable bridge to the moon." A "Missy Elliot" is about 5'2 (the actual height of the artist), or 1 574.8 mm. If you were to get 12.2316919 miles of Missy Elliot, it would barely reach the outer atmosphere.
[edit] Distance: Sheppey
A measure of distance equal to about 7/8 of a mile, defined as the closest distance at which sheep remain picturesque.
The Sheppey is the creation of Douglas Adams and John Lloyd, included in The Meaning of Liff, their dictionary of objects for which no name exists. It is named after the Isle of Sheppey in the UK.
[edit] Distance: Smoot
The smoot is a unit of length, defined as the height of Oliver R. Smoot who, fittingly, is a former president of the ISO. The unit is used to measure the length of the Harvard Bridge. Canonically, and originally, in 1958 when Smoot was a Lambda Chi Alpha pledge at MIT (class of 1962), the bridge was measured using Mr. Smoot himself as a ruler (his height being 67 inches or 170.18 cm[1]), turning him end over end for the 364.4 (plus one ear) -smoot length of the bridge. The Google Earth software includes the smoot as a measurement unit.
[edit] Cubic Volume: barn-megaparsec
This unit is similar in concept to the attoparsec, combining very large and small scales. A barn (b) is a unit of cross-sectional area used in nuclear physics, equal to 10-28 m². The "physical cross-section area" of the nucleus of an atom is approximately 1 barn —a very small unit of area (itself humorously named after the proverbial "broad side of a barn"). When this is multiplied by the megaparsec (Mpc) - a very large unit of length - the result is a human-scaled unit of volume approximately equal to 2/3 of a teaspoon (about 3 ml).
[edit] Power: Donkeypower
This facetious engineering unit is defined as about a third of a horsepower (i.e., 250 watts).[2]
[edit] Perceived loudness: phon
The unit of perceived loudness, phon, is sometimes also called as phone. This has led to puns such as One megaphone equals 1012 microphones. While the phon is a real unit, this intentional misspelling, phone, exists solely for the humour value.
[edit] Unconventional
These units describe dimensions which are not and can not be covered by the S.I system of units.
[edit] Rate of speech: The Millirubbia (mR)
A millirubbia is a unit of speaking rate, usually applied during a technical talk, derived from Carlo Rubbia, Nobel laureate in physics 1984, who always spoke at 1 R. A normal person spewing forth data at break-neck speed may do perhaps 100 mR.[citation needed]
[edit] Bogosity: The Lenat
The unit of bogosity, derived from the fictional field of Quantum Bogodynamics, the lenat is seldom used, as it is understood that it is too large for normal conversation. Its most common form is the microlenat.[3]
[edit] Unit of "Kills": The Hitler
Possibly the most unconventional fictional unit of all, a Hitler (Ht) is 10 million kills, roughly equal to the number of deaths in the Holocaust. It is used specifically as a unit of persons killed, and was invented by the webcomic Goats. In the comic, the unit is referred to as a Gigahitler,[4] meaning 1 billion Hitlers, or 10,000,000,000,000,000 deaths. In real-life applications, the unit would probably be used only as a reference to virtual kills, such as in a video game.
The official definition from Jon Rosenberg and Zoinks! Magazine[5] is:
| “ | Gigahitler (GIG' uh hit lur) n.
A term used to measure an excessively high number of living entities that have deceased. One Gigahitler is comprised of roughly 1 billion times the number of people exterminated by Adolph Hitler during the second World War. |
” |
One kill is equivalent to 100 nHt (one hundred nanohitlers).
[edit] Smell: The Hobo Power
Hobo Power is a unit coined by Adam Carolla and Dr. Drew on the radio show Loveline as a measure of how bad something smells. Some noted reference points include:
- 0 hobo — Doesn't smell bad at all
- 13 hobo - "A robust fart"
- 50 hobo — The smeller must vomit. Carolla also suggested the hypothetical: "50 hobo power is a cat that's been fed nothing but blue cheese for a week defecating on a white-hot hibachi."
- 100 hobo — Purely theoretical (comparable to absolute zero). Near 100 hobo would cause death by asphyxiation.
A running section of The Adam Carolla Show involves callers relating foul-smelling situations for which the hosts then determine the equivalent Hobo Power.
[edit] Magical Energy: Thaum
The Thaum is a measuring unit used in the Terry Pratchett series of Discworld novels to quantify magic. It equals the amount of mystical energy required to conjure up one small white pigeon, or three normal-sized billiard balls. It can, of course, be measured with a thaumometer, and regular SI-modifiers apply (e.g. millithaum, kilothaum).[citation needed]
A thaumometer looks like a black cube with a dial on one side. A standard one is good for up to a million thaums - if there is more magic than that around, measuring it is not going to do any good.
[edit] Seating comfort: The Pinkwater
A notional unit of seating comfort; it can be used to describe both the width of a seat, or the width of a seat which a person needs to be comfortable in. Named for writer and book reviewer Daniel Pinkwater, it was coined by 'Click and Clack', the hosts of the Car Talk radio show. Reputedly, a 1.0 pinkwater seat would be pretty comfortable - most car seats are 0.7 pinkwaters. There was also some discussion of using the pinkwater as a measure of acoustic range - defined by the chord produced by a 1.0 pinkwater person sitting on a piano keyboard.[citation needed]
[edit] Beauty: The Helen
Helen of Troy (from the Iliad) is widely known as "the face that launched a thousand ships." Thus, 1 millihelen is the amount of beauty needed to launch a single ship.
According to The Rebel Angels, a novel by Robertson Davies, this system was invented by Cambridge mathematician W.A.H. Rushton[citation needed]. The obvious reference is Marlowe's line from the play The Tragical History of Doctor Faustus, "Was this the face that launched a thousand ships...?" [6]
Negative values have also been observed—these, of course, are measured by the number of ships sunk or the number of clocks stopped. An alternative interpretation of 1 negative Helen is the amount of negative beauty (i.e. ugliness) that can launch one thousand ships the other way.
MicroHelens are one-tenth of the unit of beauty required to motivate one sailor. They are sometimes given as the units for the common rating-out-of-ten scale of beauty.
[edit] Systems support: The Mikrotuki
Literally micro-support. This derives from Finnish mikrotukihenkilö ("microcomputers systems support person"). Originally an in-joke of Nokia Research Center in Helsinki, Finland. It is one workday (8 h or 28 800 seconds) of one competent PC systems support person.[citation needed]
[edit] Incompetence: The Pikotuki
Equal to 1/1000 of a nanotuki, or 0.0288 seconds of competent systems support. Likewise originally an inside joke at Nokia Research Center; pikotukihenkilö means "grossly incompetent person assigned in systems support". Also equal to one millionth of a mikrotuki, and used to describe work done by a grossly incompetent work force.[citation needed]
[edit] Coolness: MegaFonzie
A MegaFonzie is a fictional unit of measurement of an object's coolness invented by Professor Farnsworth in the Futurama episode, Bender Should Not Be Allowed On TV. A 'Fonzie' is about the amount of coolness inherent in the Happy Days character Fonzie.
[edit] Happiness: The Happy
The unit of happiness, coined by Dave Gorman in his television series Dave Gorman's Important Astrology Experiment. One happy is equal to how much happier you feel if someone gives you a pound coin, which is supposed to be equivalent to how much less happy they feel upon relinquishing it. However, this definition seems to fall foul of the law of diminishing returns, which states that the more you have, the less you benefit from having even more. In other words a penniless beggar will gain appreciably from being given a pound, whereas to a millionaire, the donation is trivial. Some might also point out that calling this unit "happy" is totally unnecessary, as it could be as well called "pound".[citation needed]
[edit] Happiness: Puppy
Lucy van Pelt is credited in the Peanuts to have discovered the axiom happiness is a warm puppy. The proposed SI unit of happiness, puppy, is derivable as the quantity of happiness which one 1 kilogram beagle puppy whose body temperature is 310 kelvins produces when held in skin contact for one second.[citation needed]
[edit] References
- ^ smoot. The Jargon File (version 4.4.7). Retrieved on June 27, 2006.
- ^ Rowlett's Dictionary of Units. Retrieved on November 8, 2006.
- ^ The Original Hacker's Dictionary. Retrieved on November 8, 2006.
- ^ goats: comic strip. Retrieved on November 8, 2006.
- ^ Zoinks Magazine. Retrieved on November 8, 2006.
- ^ http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext97/drfsta10.txt
