User:Lady Higginbottom

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User:Lady Higginbottom Miss Higginbottom declared her ladyship in the spring of 1989. Born to a man-eating bi-polar mother and a father with a hair impedement. She was the most beautiful in all the land. Until an unfortunate accident involving a shovel and three lumps of coal when she was 10 and was an ugly thing, with nostrils as big as golf balls. After 2 years of reconstructive surgery and a few too many misdiagnosis, Lady Higginbottom made her way out of the hospital. Well and slighty unfit misunderstood for a hamster of abnormal size.

After these unfortunate events, Lady Higginbottom set herself a project, that would take away her mind from captivity in Bristol ZOO. She called this project 'Creation of an enviroment where life can exist and there shall be peace and ultimate quantities of KFC and Subway sandwiches'. It was an almighty project and had set herself a dangerous and possible fatal task. So she gave up half way through and called this unfinished project 'The Universe not quite done'.

It had never been done before and Lady Higginbottom thought of setting out a trial run for her 'universe that is not yet quite done' and made two people. One she called man and he had features that were handsome and divine and woman who had a slighty smaller breast than the other and two large front teeth. She named these Adam and Ugly Eve. Then she created the garden of Eden upon Earth and set them free. Warning them of one very important flaw. In the midst of the magnificent garden was a bush that looked slighty like a tree but was a bush. On this tree were things if eaten would destroy the garden of Eden in an unholy cloud of fire and brimstone. Warned Adam and Eve went about explorin the garden of Eden. They were happy, Adam unclothed and proud, Eve wearing an array of unfitting clothing. Lady Higginbottom smiled upon her creations merrily and Adam smiled back using not his mouth.

Then one day Lady Higginbottom was taken from her cell in captivity to go get a tetnus shot from the local vet. Leaving the Garden of Eden as it were in the bottom of her bowl with bones around the front. Whilst gone Eve went unto Adam:

'Oh Adam, i am so intrigued by this beautiful garden shall we run free and deep within the midst and play merrily in the endless corn fields?'

Adam replied that he would not go and that Eve could go play with herself for all he cared. So Eve strode off into the garden of Eden and frolicced and played with all the animals. She played with everyone until she cam acrosst an animal that would not. He called himself a snake. The snake was annoyed by Eve's gentle nature and the way her teeth stuck out at odd angles and decided to play a game. That would really cheese off Lady Higginbottom whom he also hated very muchfor giving him a lisp. Eve would thou likesttt me to play with you in thiss garden of Eden. Because i know of somewhere where we could play a game. Eve so stupid and blonde said this was ok so they frollicked with a dance and a skip through the garden to the bush. The bush if you had been paying attention was a bad bush that if it's contents were eaten would destroy everything. The sanke told her to get in the bush and pluck him the fruit. Good Eve said no and refused. But Adam who had been nearby told the stupid girl to get out the way and he'd get it. So he did. It was a green fruit like a selection of leaves lapping over eachother into a bud and it smelt of dirt.

So snake do you think we were stupid enough to eat the fruit. barked Adam as Eve grabbed a handful with a giggle and shoved them down her throat. Adam fairly cheesed off that Eve had done this decided to do it too. Why? I am not sure but anywat. Adam and Eve shovled down this fruit until they were full and a funny rumbling began in their stomachs. They became frightened by this and Eve began screaming yelling at the snake to stop this. The sanke only giiggled in delight. Until something happened......

Adam gave a heave and from the hole by his backside came an almighty roar. Hot boiling air rushed out with the foul stench of crap. Eve joined him and they expelled the gas of fire and brimstone that Lady Higginbottom had warned. After several fluxations of gas, the garden had been destroyed, all the animals disfigured and ugly. Then Lady Higginbottom appeared and she went mad, not like mad when your mum gets a little cheesy but full blown obsecenities rage.

You ate-you ate those-those- she spat. Then finished dishing out punishments to those who had sinned. To Adam:For your sin in listening to a woman you shalt have a penis of half your size To Eve:For your sin of eating the fruit you shalt have terrible pains once a month and sexually frustrate the already cathrisde Adam To the snake:Thou has done an awful act, thus you shalt crawl on your belly forever more

Lady Higginbottom was never to familliar and reasonble in passing judgement and the snake crawled away merrily, giggling to himself as Adam wept over his relatively small thing. Eve still quite clueless as to the things going on looked at her fingernails and began picking out the dirt. Then Lady Higginbottom left the garden of Eden. We are still unsure as to where she went or how? Maybe she was moved to a different zoo, or adopted in the wild? Or finally the scab on her underside managed to force her to an early grave. We are unsure. But we know she is out there somewhere thinking and planning.....

Until i write again.