User:Kyoko/Sandbox5

Why I left Esperanza

In an earlier version of my userpage, as well as on various talk pages, I explained why I chose to leave Esperanza. I've looked at the current effort to delete it and found that I have been cited by both sides of the debate. It seems that people are projecting their own pro- or anti-Esperanza feelings into what I actually wrote. I don't mean to hurt anybody's feelings regarding this issue, but I also don't like the feeling that I'm being used to illustrate whether the original MfD and subsequent overhaul efforts were flawed, or whether the flaws lie within Esperanza itself. I've decided to make my stance clear regarding this organisation.

Esperanza is supposed to promote hope, but for me, it only made me lose hope.

I decided to leave Esperanza because of all of the discussions about how to overhaul it, as well as the numerous polls, and the general feeling that people would rather talk about bureaucratic details about how they should hypothetically offer help rather than provide any actual support. While I believe that the participants are acting in good faith, I feel that in their zeal to restructure the organisation, they have in some sense forgotten the original ideals of the group.

One user mentioned on the Esperanza talk page that some of its members were leaving, so I looked at the edit history of its membership list, and I learned that such formerly prominent members as The Halo and Titoxd (both former members of Esperanza's Advisory Council) have also left. Despite the message about members leaving, nobody has said a thing. Furthermore, I'm troubled by many Esperanza members' apparent unwillingness to support people like Elaragirl, who had voted to delete Esperanza in its previous MfD. It's as if nobody even cares, and the people who would remake Esperanza would much rather debate charter details than stop and ask why people are leaving or how they can help. It's all very sad.

Reading and rereading the overhaul discussion is only depressing me more, making what is already a difficult time of the year for me even worse. Sometimes I even wonder if it was a mistake for me to leave the hospital. For sake of my own health, I've decided to abstain from any further discussions about how to remake Esperanza, and furthermore, to withdraw my membership.

I still think that there are many kind and decent people who are members of Esperanza, but I now feel that their compassionate nature is essentially unrelated to their membership in Esperanza. Several comments in the first MfD, as well as the current one, made me realise that membership in the group is no guarantee of kindness and civility, and also I've found that these qualities are found among EA and non-EA Wikipedians alike.

The previous form of Esperanza, with its barnstar brigade, its coffee lounge, and other programs, may not have been as integrated with the rest of Wikipedia as it could have been, but at least it didn't seem to harm anybody either. The recent MfD and the current attempts to overhaul Esperanza only added to my stress and made me want to avoid reading anything related to the organisation.

The current form of Esperanza feels as if it offers nothing more than bickering and straw polls, with no place for community, and no place for hope. I feel partially responsible for this, because I tried so hard to make Esperanza fit in better with Wikipedia as a whole, and now it feels as if Esperanza is neither encyclopedic, nor helpful to others. Knowing that I had some part in its transformation only makes me feel worse.

I apologise for any incivility here. I just feel that Esperanza has in a way betrayed the ideals it was meant to uphold. If forced to choose between "keep" and "delete", I would vote to delete it, but it pains me too much to make a formal vote, because I don't want to hurt those who still support it, and I do feel that Esperanza has done some good during its time on Wikipedia. Parts of it, especially the stress alerts page, might be able to exist as a general part of Wikipedia, but I feel there is too much bureaucratic and emotional baggage associated with Esperanza for any of these programs to thrive as long as they remain a part of the organisation.

I still believe in Esperanza's ideals, or what I thought were its ideals. I might rejoin it, someday, if it survives the current MfD, and if can get its act together without so many discussions and polls, but it Esperanza wants to reform itself, it will have to do it without me.

I'm deeply sorry about everything.