User:Jonathan Cole
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[edit] The Distinctive Paper on a one Jon Cole:
"I'm out dis bush"
Eazy-E once said, “I don't give a goddamn about feelin's, I'm just as a happy as long as I'm killin', a 187 is in progress, nigga, just as soon as I pull this trigger.” And Eazy E was one serious motherwhaaaat. Jon Cole is not Eazy E though. Both are close friends with Dre and they probably should stop pullin 187’s on a pig. But this is not the time or place though. This is C-Time. C-TIME.
I don’t give a damn where this sotry began, cause cole is here now and that’s what matters. That cute fucker. I’ll just guess that it started when a bush outside of MFA rebirthed Cole. He had some life before but noone cares about that. It was meaningless before this certain event. He emerged from this bush after he drank an amount of alchohol the size of the state of pluto. (The bush was not on fire, so through the transitive property, he is not jesus.) There was probably some stuff that went down between the time he squeezed out of that damned bush and when he made it back to campus. He probably punched out a phone booth or some dog and fellated many objects including triangle park. Back at the bush, it rotted and died because it couldn’t live without the fetus of a reborn Cole. This is where the important shit goes down.
So legend has it that the this guy flew around the world in 80 days. That was Magellan though. Cole just tried to be like that guy but more indie. That dude listened to too much Creed (not Michael) to be cool enough to circumcise the World in a plane. Cole could play guitar with thumb in his asshole and make better face melting solos that that hippie. So cole did this thing in 80 days and the world totally cared about it because he found the cure for tricycles. The world was just fucking flooded with pussies that were too ‘fraid to ride twowheelcyles. I forgot where I was going with this.
paragraph goes here.
Cole grew up in the gritty streets of Memphis, many of which were made of concrete, an element that is commonly found in streets. aLL over these streets where these fucking retarded things called trash cans. Here began his hatred for plastic containers of waste. I know this because I live with him and I should know this kind of stuff. Don’t question me or I’ll fucking kill you. YeS I AM FOR REAL?
Anyways, this blue thing came up to cole, dissing madly on Barbara (I guess that’s his moms name. it sounds like a milfs name. only queers know thjat kind of stuff. See ‘Hey guys I found a hat: 78% of a true story” for an example.) anyways, cole did that bitch some justice and picked it up by the scrotum and tossed it about 3 feet. He’ll tell you that he totally crawled up on it and taught it a mean lesson in a hot minute. I’ll tell you that he totally fell on it on it and taught it that drunk white boys can throw trash cans 3 feet. His dignity said ‘I’m out this joint’ somewhere in that process too. I don’t know if it was pre trash demolition or pre vomit. It was crazy funny either way
Io/m so sleepy right and nooooooo more bodty shots… beads on the annex door, yeaahhh, But you know what keeps us together? Anal beads.
Another stupid paragraph. Blah blah blah. Hey, here’s a picture of the jon cole that crossed the border from burritoxico.
he’s probably making the nikie’s that you’ll own in about 6 weeks. So speaking of 6 weeks did you know that he fluffed nuts in the porn industry? Yeah, the secret is Crisco and flour. He quit that job after they denied his request for dental coverage insurance something. I thought this was America where they honored the teeth of everyone equally. IF WE DON’T HONR TEETH =’LY THEN THE TERRORISTS WIN. So speaking of terrorists, cole once planned the downfall of communism from his baby carriage. His mom left him unattendance and he discovered that in theory it seemed solid like solid things, but in practice it was nothing but failure and aids (not the hearing kind). So speaking of aids, if you rearranged the letters then you get ‘I sad.’ And when I think of being sad, I think of jon cole because he, fuck, I have to pee, brb
ok. I’m black.
I’ll make a list here because everyone likes lists and I like the smell of them
- this is the comprehensive story of jon cole
- he is very indie and will listen to better music than you
- he was born from fig newtons and inflatable turtles (not Tito, that’s a different story)
- he is very spicy in flavor
- contrary to popular belief, he is not a christmas tree (see Christmas tree picture)
- he is does not respect handicapped people. They are like solo cups to him- an inconvenience and disposable. (imagine the handicapped picture with an X through it)
- jon cole is deciduous and uses his own feet for walking, not no fucking wheels.
- he probably graduated from some grades preceding college
- jesus quotes jon cole on a biblical basis (this means ‘in the bible’)
- jam is not jelly
- dr dre is very jealous of the street rep that jon cole accumulated
- he will not hesistate to skip foreplay for bondage or dinner
- if you see him today, he will be wearing pants but not the star of david
- he is a scientologist by day, but rhinoceros by noon.
- bylaws
- fuck I hate making lists when they’re so damn difficult and require the thought of more than I’m willing to put forward after I
- you totally thought I was going to finish that sentence
here is my conclusion:
Jon cole will one day face stalin face to face and slaughter him in a game of Risk. This will mean nothing because cole already knew the moves that Stalin was going to make because communism is that predictable. Then after defeating stalin in a fiery rage, cole went on to eat like 20 bowls of ramen and grew his hair to indie raised to the nth length. He played guitar like guitar had never been played since 1978 (I hear that was a good year for guitar. Or contraception. I forget) So this guy will probably impregnante (that’s Spanish for making taco-eatin siesta-takin babies) a couple future unplanned parenthood patients and die like a true Memphis thug: by being stabbed.
[edit] References
- Applegate, Ryan. The Distinctive Paper on a one Jon Cole
- Urbanski, Dave. The Man Comes Around: The Spiritual Journey of Johnny Cash. New York: Relevant Books.
- Christ, Jesus H. The Bible.
- Hubbard, L Ron. Battlefield Earth
- Fukuyama, Francis. The End of History and the Last Man.
