User:JarlaxleArtemis/Creations/Wikipedia:April 1, 2005/-2005 Britannica takeover of Wikimedia-2
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[edit] Wikipedia:April 1, 2005/-2005 Britannica takeover of Wikimedia-
On April 1, 2005, Encyclopædia Britannica - The Free Encyclopædia announced its immediate hostile takeover of the Wikimedia Foundation and all of its projects, including Wikipedia (now called Wikipædia), Wikimedia, Wikisource, Wikibooks, and Wikinews.
The agreement reportly included a $133.7 million severance package for each of the five members on the Wikimedia Foundation Board of Directors. Wikimedia founder Jimbo Wales, giving a brief statement to the National Enquirer from his Maui survivalist compound that he shares with domestic partner Larry "Bud" Melman, was reported to be "extremely pleased" with the agreement. Internal Britannica discussions with investors indicate discomfort that "the Wikipedia wasn't that free an encyclopedia after all."
Measures expected to be implemented as part of the agreement include an immediate restriction on contributions to Wikipedia and its sister projects to those that have already signed formal agreements with Britannica and an immediate appropriation of all funds donated during the last funding drive to be divided amongst previous contributors to Britannica. It's expected that to create or edit a page will now cost users $49.97(US)/page. They will need approximately 14 million edits for the purchase to be profitable. The Edit this page feature will be renamed Adopt this page.
Prospective contributors are welcome to sign up at Encyclopedia Britannica's Web site and send proposals in outline format using Courier New exclusively. Contributions handed in on time and in simple English (only) will make the contributor eligible for a grand prize drawing of a rare 1956 photo of Margaret Thatcher dating from her burlesque days. Contributors will in both word and deed release, indemnify, hold harmless, op. cit., and terra firma Encyclopedia Britannica and its heirs and assigns, trustees, justices of the peace, bailiffs, notaries public, et aliter, and Notary Sojack. Nothing in this agreement should be construed to release, exempt, hold harmless, harmless hold or in any way free the contributor from the presumption that said party is a damned fool and deserves what he gets. This agreement is made under the laws of the Grand Duchy of Lichteinstein except for section 1(a), 4(c) and all of the part the dog ate, which fall under laws in force when men were men, the women were glad of it, and the sheep were nervous.
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[edit] International reaction
Representatives of Google indicate that the company is "disappointed" with the turnout of the agreement. Google had previously made indications of wishing to buy out the Foundation in a similar fashion. Instead, they are now focusing on an exciting "reform" of the outmoded Library of Congress, which will henceforth be operated in full accordance with the modern scientific Dewey Decimal System, and with Google's PageRank system replaced by the proven-effective Wiki model. Otherwise unoccupied volunteers will be imported from all over the world to Washington, DC, where they will engage in high-minded scholarly disputation and manually cite (by SMS) the local Gutenberg Bible when called upon, in exchange for being granted unlimited access to the library cafeteria. The volunteers will also offer exciting related products to match search results, but Google has promised they will probably forget these after a little more scholarly disputation.
Microsoft founder Bill Gates is reported to be "considering his options" but has not ruled out a licensed DVD set under the name WikiCarta in which owners will be able to edit their own registered version. He also denounced the takeover as monopolistic and predatory
In a brief statement, the Élysée Palace has indicated the intention of president Jacques Chirac to react by nationalising the French version of Wikipedia. Immediately afterwards, United States President George W. Bush issued a press release condemning the French position and declaring, "We must stand against those who despise free knowledge so much." Reportedly, Bush will send former Secretary of State Colin Powell to the United Nations to make a presentation denouncing the French president's decision; the presentation will apparently include several satellite images of Chirac having lunch. Asked if he knew anything about rumors that his son, Kojo stood to make $480 million from the "Encyclopedias for Food" programme, Kofi Annan replied, "Hell, no!"
Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin informed the United States that Canada will not partake in any action against the French, much to the anger of Bush, who will also ask the UN to blame Canada. The rest of the world, believing Canada to be the 51st state, think that the US are declaring another civil war. Bush's first official response was to declare by Executive Order that Canadian bacon will henceforth be referred to in the U.S. as "Liberty Bacon".
Russian President Vladimir Putin announced that he will ban exports of caviar and vodka to the United Kingdom in retaliation. Intelligence sources indicate that the true source of his displeasure is that the takeover will prevent him from further updating the article on American Idol; Putin is reportedly rooting for Scott Savol. Shortly after the news was aired on the BBC, riots were reported in several major UK cities as angry mobs of drunks and caviar connisours stormed animal research labs freeing lab animals in frustration, after finding the Houses of Parliament too heavily guarded. There have also been reports from the CDC of a strange disease spreading among rioters. When contacted for comment a CDC spokesperson stated that conclusive results would not be available for 28 days
Osama bin Laden has issued a fatwa against both Encyclopedia Britannia and Wikipedia, saying that both are in the hands of the "enemies of Islam". In a statement from North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, bin Laden was advised to trim his hair in the Socialist lifestyle since it is widely rumored that Kim is incapable of growing facial hair. bin Laden has hired Doctor Strangelove as a response. Shortly afterwards, the North Korean People's Army attacked UN Forces along the Demilitarized Zone. When asked about the attack by reporters, South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun was quoted as saying: "OMG ZERG RUSH!!!! KEKEKE!!!"
When asked, U2's lead singer Bono said, "What Britannica did was wrong. They could of spent that money feeding all the starving people of the world. Instead, they allowed Jimmy Wales to buy another ivory backscratcher." He proposes a benefit concert to buy Wikipedia, and use it to help the world's poor. So far, the only group to agree is Led Zeppelin, who will reunite to save Wikipedia. Jim Morrison, frontman for The Doors, will apparently come out of retirement in Tibet to make an appearance. To everybody's delight, Elvis Presley has announced that he will sing a duet with William Hung, at what has been dubbed, "Wikistock." Also appearing will be the up and coming metal group, Tendrix. When asked for comments, the lead singer, known only as Anthony replied, "Give me the C-Ream."
In other news today, the Encyclopedia Britannica said it was also taking over Amtrak, the troubled National Railroad Passenger Corporation, in an effort to make Amtrak's famous Superliner double-deck coaches into roving Wikipedia libraries where commuters can go read and study when going to and from work The refurbishment may be supplemented by new sleeping and lounge cars from the Colorado Railcar company, Kawasaki Heavy Industries, and from Bombardier. BNSF subsequently announced that it would purchase SEPTA and convert their buses into armored courriers for transporting Klingon Haloween masks to an upcoming Star Trek convention in Fallujah, Iraq.
Richard Stallman has stated he was "upset" to hear today's news, and has committed seppuku with a Frisbee. Memorial services are to be held Monday, pending federal, state, and traffic court action by Stallman's parents to prevent the Frisbee from being removed. The US Congress has also called an emergency session seeking to pass a resolution that would make the sale, use, and removal of frisbees illegal in the United States. Cardinal Ratzinger has already given Stallman Extreme Unction, regardless of whether or not Stallman was actually Catholic, thus jeopardizing Ratzinger's command of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith. Numerous residents of Thailand, outraged at these events have begun rioting in the streets and throwing durians at each other
Revolutionary Left community members have declared their intentions to hack and take back Wikipedia "in the name of free software and workers' liberation everywhere". Bob Avakian has declared he is the one true way to reclaim the free encyclopedia, "for I am the vanguard of the masses, and only my line is correct".
When reached for comment, the immortal soul of Ayn Rand said simply, "I told you so."
Trent Reznor, when reached for comment, said that "The internet is serious business," and them resumed to break a vintage TB-303 in anger.
Larry Sanger, whose reputation has been tarnished by the encyclopedia in the past, reportedly gave Wales the finger with a snarky, "I told you so". He was then sued for copyright infringement by Ayn Rand and the RIAA.
Madonna (entertainer) sighed over the phone to Wales and then prayed to Asherah and the Shekinah in a kind of kabbalah inspired daze. Elijah then called for G-d to strike her down for idolatry.
Everything2 has called this a victory in the war on Wikipedia.
Robert McHenry played a soulful dirge on his bagpipes mourning the loss of the "Faith Based Encyclopedia". "Och, tis a sad day in the glen" McHenry cried.
John Titor had predicted this event to occur on January 16, 2001. Sollog also claims that he had foreknowledge of the takeover.
[edit] Specific changes to content
- The Community portal will become a redirect to Richard Dean Anderson.
- Donations will now be sent directly to MC Hammer.
- Making fun of Britannica will be removed, to be replaced with Bad jokes and other deleted nonsense.
- Wikipedia will be renamed to Wikitannica and its motto will change from The Free Encyclopedia to When In Doubt - "Look It Up".
- Britannica, Jimbo Wales' Bomis, and magazine publisher Larry Flynt will team up to form the open-source Wikiporn project.
- The final few puzzle pieces at the top of the Wikipedia logo will finally be put in place.
- All occurences of the letter 'a' followed by the letter 'e' will be replaced by æ. Should the letters be reversed, the combination shall revert to the heavy metal umlaut.
- The Anarchism and Communism articles will become redirects to Joseph McCarthy, and all left-leaning contributors will be reported to COINTELPRO.
[edit] New corporate structure
Britannica has instituted a new corporate structure for the Wikipedia, with several high profile nominations:
- Gary Coleman, Poobah, President and Chairman
- Bill the Cat, official mascot
- Kenneth Lay, CEO
- Man-Cat, CFO
- John Green bartender
- Ward Churchill Etiquette editor and advisor on taste and good manners.
- Kent Hovind palentology advisor
- Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf, Information Minister
- Dan Quayle, Minister of Spelling and Proper English
- The Noid, Minister of Pizza
- Pope John Paul II Minister of health
- Oliver North office manager
- GG Allin minister of music
- Lirath Q. Pynnor will be named to replace Wales as "god-king".
- All Requests for adminship will be shut down, all administrators will be de-sysopped, and various Britannica editors will take their places.
- Al Gore (inventor of the algorithm) will challenge Gary Coleman's Presidency, and has asked the Supreme Court of Florida order a hand-count of the results. He will also have the article on the Internet list him as the inventor of it.
- James Randi Horoscope page
- Erik Estrada will be Minister of Travel and will arrange free trips to Hot Springs, Arkansas for all Brittanica admins
- Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Spokesdog and Ambassador to Sealand
[edit] Related information
- Background music for all pages will be provided by German electro-pop group Kraftwerk, with cameo appearances by Ashlee Simpson and Janet Jackson (with her wardrobe malfunction, of course). On most holidays, this will be replaced by Badger Badger Badger, anything by Slipknot (band) and/or The Hamster Dance.
- Daniel H. Pink will be publicly executed by elephant.
- Michael Jackson will donate his Neverland Ranch to Monaco, and will be crowned Prince for his generosity.
- Britannica will hold a "Putting for Page Deletion" charity event, whose celebrity participants will include Ronald McDonald, Buckethead, and Rush Limbaugh.
- Former Vermont governor Howard Dean has reported made a second Dean scream in response to the takeover; the actual meaning of his statement has not yet been determined. He also announced that he will attempt to imitate another famous scream known as the wilhelm scream
- In this oxymoronic era of mega-mergers and diminishing expectations, random-character vandal bot substubs will be eligible for featured article status. Or, to put it another way, "aasdfkjghryq" (pronounced: Luigi).
- Upon this story first being circulated in Germany, loud shouts of joy were heard at the headquarters of Der Spiegel, after which everyone drove to the De Wallen in Amsterdam.
- Distraught from the takeover, Bill Gates announced plans he would purchase the tiny island nation of Sealand. In anticipation of the buyout, Norton AntiVirus has announced it will release a new version of its antivirus software with a special micronation patch. There is also a planned Windows XP SP 3.π release.
