Hitler Has Only Got One Ball
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"Hitler has only got one ball" refers to the many variations on a set of vulgar lyrics to the popular "Colonel Bogey March". These are four-line lyrics making fun of the Nazi leaders.
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[edit] Origin of the song
In his autobiography Fringe Benefits, well-connected Anglo-Irish gadabout and publicist Donough O'Brien claims the original was written by his father, Toby O'Brien, also a publicity agent, in August, 1939 as British propaganda. [1] This purported original version started with the words "Göring has only got one ball", and went on to imply that Hitler had two small ones. In virtually all later versions, the positions are reversed. The statement that Himmler was "sim'lar" appears in all versions. The final line of this original and some later forms ends with the clever word play that Goebbels had "no balls". Both these variations argue strongly in favor of O'Brien's version being a very early version.
O'Brien's claims have not been substantiated, and no author has ever been identified for the more popular versions that begin "Hitler has only got one ball". There is no known attempt by anyone to claim or enforce a copyright on the lyrics or music.
[edit] Song lyrics
All versions are sung to the tune of The Colonel Bogey March:
[edit] Claimed original version, credited to Toby O'Brien
- Göring has only got one ball
- Hitler's [are] so very small
- Himmler's so very similar
- And Goebbels has no balls at all!
This purported original version is interesting in that Göring has the one ball and Hitler apparently has two and that it starts with Göring. The musical comedy word play of rhyming Goebbels with "no balls" both argue in favour of this being a very early version.
[edit] Variant stanzas about Nazis
Variant number 1 (The most common variant)
- Hitler has only got one ball,
- Göring has two but very small,
- Himmler is somewhat sim'lar,
- But poor old Goebbels has no balls at all.
(In line 3, "somewhat" was sometimes replaced by "rather". The first line may also be one left ball, one brass ball, one big ball; approximately this version appears in Thomas Pynchon's V.)
Variant number 2
- Hitler has only got one ball,
- The other is in the Albert Hall
- His mother, the dirty bugger,
- Cut it off when he was small.
OR
- Hitler has only got one ball
- The other is at the Albert Hall,
- Swimming With Naked Women,
- The Dirty Bugger Is At It Again.
(Outside of the United Kingdom, the second line is oft invoked as "The other is on the kitchen wall" or "The other is hanging on the wall")
(the last line may also be "chopped it off")
Variant number 3
- Hitler has only got one ball,
- The other is in the old town hall,
- His mother, she pinched the other,
- Now Hitler ain't got none at all!
Variant number 4
- Hitler had only got one ball,
- Stalin had two but very small,
- Mussolini was such a weenie,
- That he just let them fall
Other variations include use of the past tense, referring to Goebbels as Doctor, Hitler's other ball being "on the wall", mixtures of the variants above, and Hitler's life being "much simpler if he didn't have any at all".
Variant number 5
- Hitler has only got one ball,
- The other is in the Albert Hall,
- Himmler has something sim'ler,
- Only he has no bollocks at all!
Variant number 6
- Hitler has only got one ball,
- The other is in the Albert Hall,
- Himmler has something sim'ler,
- But he hasn't got any at all!
Variant number 7
- Hitler has only got one ball
- The other, is on the kitchen wall
- Because his mother, the dirty bugger
- Chopped it off when he was small
Variant number 8
- Hitler has only got one ball.
- His left one was eaten by a crocodile when he was very small.
- Himmler has also only got one ball.
- Which he lost while shopping in the mall.
[edit] Second verses: Hitler's mother
When the first verse includes Hitler's mother (Variants 2, 3, and 4), a second verse is generally added:
- She threw it over Germany,
- It landed in the deep blue sea,
- The fishes got out their dishes,
- And had scallops and bollocks for tea.
N.B. When this verse follows variants 2 and 3 there is a continuity error because the members concerned cannot be in the Albert Hall/ Town Hall and also have been consumed by sea creatures.
Variant number 1
- She threw it over Germany
- It landed in the great blue sea
- The fishes had their wishes
- And had scallops and bollocks for tea
Variant number 2
- She threw it into a great big tree
- It fell into the deep blue sea
- The fishes grabbed their dishes
- And ate scallops and bollocks for tea
Variant number 3
- She tied it upon a conker tree
- The wind came and blew it out to sea
- The fishes got out their dishes
- And had scallops and bollocks for tea
Variant number 4
- She took it out to Coventry
- Where the army they shot it out to sea
- The fishes all very suspicious
- Had scallops and bollocks for tea
- His mother the dirty bugger chopped it off when he was small
- she threw it over the apple tree
- It landed in the deep blue sea
- All the fishes had Hitler's balls for tea
Variant number 5
- Because his mother, the dirty bugger, chopped it off when he was small
- And she threw it, into a chesnut tree
- And it fell, into the deep blue sea
- And the fishes, the dirty fishes, had scallops and bollocks for tea
[edit] Verses about Germany and Germans
These verses mention neither Nazis nor Hitler:
- Frankfurt has only one beer hall,
- Stuttgart, die München all on call,
- Munich, vee lift our tunich,
- To show vee "Cherman" have no balls at all.
- Hans Otto is very short, not tall,
- And blotto, for drinking Singhai and Skol.
- A "Cherman", unlike Bruce Erwin,
- Because Hans Otto has no balls at all.
[edit] Introductory verse
(Sung to the tune of Land of Hope and Glory, and followed by some variant of the Nazi verses, above.)
- Land of soap and water,
- Hitler's having a bath.
- Churchill's looking through the keyhole,
- Having a jolly good laugh
- Be..e..e..e..cause...
- Hitler — has only [etc]
[edit] The song in other media
The song has frequently been heard and seen in other media.
- The lyrics were not sung during the famous Colonel Bogey March sequence in the 1957 film The Bridge on the River Kwai because they were considered too vulgar.
- The verse was obviously alluded to without actually using the words in episodes of It Ain't Half Hot Mum and Goodnight Sweetheart. In the former, the Sergeant Major complained that the band at the last concert had played, he then hummed the tune of Colonel Bogey, then he said "And we all know what the words to that are!".
- Thomas Pynchon quoted the words in his novel V. by putting them in the mouths of British artillerymen on Malta.
- Bette Midler sang the lyrics in her concert film Divine Madness.
- The lyrics were heard on the British TV sitcom 'Allo 'Allo!
- The song is sung in the Czech film Dark Blue World (2001).
- The lyrics were sung in the 1972 film adaptation of the John Knowles novel A Separate Peace (although they are not in the book, and the tune to which they are sung in the film is not the "Colonel Bogey March").
- A verse combining the first two lines of Variant 2 and the last two lines of Variant 1 appears in the 2000 Vertigo miniseries Adventures in the Rifle Brigade by Garth Ennis and Carlos Ezquerra. The follow-on miniseries, Operation Bollock, uses the missing testicle as a central plot device.
- The lyrics are alluded to in a 2003 advertisement for Spitfire Beer (the 'Bottle of Britain'), an English Ale. Hitler is shown photographed in full Wehrmacht Uniform with the caption 'Spot the ball'. The advertisement refers to print media spot the ball competitions in which readers were shown photographs of moments in football matches and asked to guess where the ball (which is edited out) would have been. See: Spitfire site
- In one of the 'Head-to-Head' dialogue sketches in the BBC comedy series Alas Smith and Jones Mel Smith and Griff Rhys Jones reminisce about the war and about the songs of the era. Smith sentimentally and poignantly sings the opening lines of "White Cliffs of Dover," and "We'll Meet Again," and then (to avoid lowering the tone) has to interrupt Jones when he begins to sing, "Hitler has only got one..."
- In an episode of the BBCTV comedy programme, 2 Point 4 Children the grandmother character (played by Barbara Lott) mentions Goebbels in conversation with a friend and - when queried - points out that "he was the one with no balls at all, if you remember".
- When a character in the BBC sitcom The New Statesman sees Hitler's preserved genitalia, he exclaims 'But it's only got one...!'
- In the British radio series, the Bradshaws, Alf taught Billy the song.
[edit] Did Hitler really have only one testicle?
An alleged Soviet autopsy on Hitler's remains made shortly after the war claimed Hitler was monorchic, but most historians dismiss this reference as propaganda. This autopsy was only released around 1970. However, records show that he was wounded in 1916 during the Battle of the Somme, and some sources describe his injury as a wound to the groin. Hitler's World War I company commander has said that a VD exam found that Hitler had only one testicle. Robert G.L. Waite in his book The Psychopathic God: Adolf Hitler (1978) accepts the accuracy of this evidence:
- Since the matter is of considerable importance to the psychological development of Hitler from infancy onward, let us pause here and come to grips with the problem of the Fuehrer's testicles. It can now be affirmed that the British Tommies were right all along in the first line of their version of the Colonel Bogey March, they were although manifestly mistaken in the last—that is to say, unless Goebbels' 6 children were the progeny of adoption, paternal surrogacy or some hitherto unconsidered, presumably unpalatable "Gott mit uns" form of divine intervention.
- The autopsy performed by the Red Army pathologists on Hitler's body... [produced clear] findings:
-
- The left testicle could not be found either in the scrotum or on the spermatic cord inside the inguinal canal, or in the small pelvis...
There was some discussion of this issue for several weeks in the letters column of the New Statesman, a British magazine in the early 1970s, although all correspondents accepted the Soviet autopsy as valid. One claimed that British intelligence had discovered that Hitler was monorchic and written the song in an attempt to drive him even further round the bend than he was already, with some elaborate theories about how they might have discovered this. Others thought that it was sheer coincidence, and one even claimed that there had been a similar song sung about Napoleon (this may not be true). One pointed out that most English speakers would not pronounce "Goebbels" correctly, they would pronounce it "Goballs", which suggests "no balls" and the rest would follow. (This correspondence came to a conclusion of sorts when one correspondent wrote a letter complaining about the conditions in which alleged illegal immigrants were being detained, adding that this was a more important issue than Hitler's balls.)
Unfortunately, the Soviet autopsy of Hitler cannot be accepted as authoritative. Hitler's death by suicide and the subsequent almost complete burning of his body would leave little for doctors to analyze — much less be able to focus on such a small body part. The autopsy is discussed in Ron Rosenbaum's book Explaining Hitler: The Search for the Origins of His Evil (1998). He concludes that it was fabricated, based on information from Hitler's doctor and recantations by the compilers of the published form of the report.
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
- The Colonel Bogey March MIDI file
- Did Hitler have only one testicle? from The Straight Dope
- A British Soldier Remembers, songs and lyrics of World War II
- Weebls Stuff: On The Moon 2 Reference to Hitler's missing left testicle
- Uncyclopedia Several different versions of the lyrics formerly included in this article
