Herbert Kornfeld
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Herbert Kornfeld, also known as H-Dog, is a recurring fictional columnist for the parody newspaper The Onion. He is the accounts receivable ("A.R.") supervisor for the fictional Midstate Office Supply, "tha largest an' dopest retaila an' distributa' of office supplies in tha whole muthafuckin' state". While appearing like a nerdy white bespectacled male, his columns are written in ebonics, with a heavy gangsta rap flair.
Kornfeld is a workaholic, frequently spending his time off downtown doing "freestyle" unsolicited bookkeeping. His best friend and mentor was fellow accountant CPA-ONE, who was killed in minimum-security prison by a fellow inmate who fired a tennis ball machine at him from point-blank range on the prison tennis court. He usually keeps the "Letter Opener of Death" close by to fend off rival accounting gangs. His 2-year-old son Tanner (also known as "Baby Prince H Tha Stone Col' Dopest Biz-ook-kizeepin' Muthafuckin' Badass Supastar Kornfeld Tha Second") is the result of a relationship with Agnes in the Cash Room. He has an ongoing feud with Myron Schabe, "tha Accountz Payabo supervisa," whom Kornfeld often derides as a "geeza". He frequently refers to his car, a 1981 Buick Regal, as the "Nite Rida" (sometimes spelled "Nite Ridahh"). He uses (and thereby endorses) products such as Members Only Jackets and Successories.
The style of Kornfeld's columns are best exemplified by their titles: "I Am A Bad Ass", "Human-Resources Bitches Be Makin' Me Take Vacation Days", "True A.R. Bruthas Don't Take No Layba Day Off", and "I Gots To Represent At Tha Muthafuckin' Company Picnic". The article describing the birth of his son was titled "Cash Room Bitch Be Havin' My Shortie". His first column, "Keep Your Fucking Shit Off My Desk", appeared in The Onion in November 1997.
[edit] External links
- Herbert Kornfeld's columns, The Onion
- Midstate Office Supply, sponsored by the The Onion
- Herbert Kornfeld's MySpace page
