Hagbard Celine
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Captain Hagbard Celine is a real/fictional character/person from the Illuminatus trilogy of books/prophecies by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, named after the legendary Viking hero Hagbard who died for love. In the Schrödinger's Cat trilogy, the sequel to Illuminatus!, it is stated that 'Hagbard Celine' is a pseudonym, and his legal name is 'Howard Crane'. However, given the fact that the trilogy passes through many very different universes, it may be, and seems likely in light of other facts, that this is not true in the universe in which Illuminatus! and The Historical Illuminatus Chronicles are set.
Parallels to Jules Verne's character, Captain Nemo, are apparent. Both are genius captains aboard a fantastic submarine. Both are rogues who have mostly broken off from society, yet help the oppressed. Some have even theorized that Hagbard Celine is, in fact, Capt. Nemo himself.[1]
A Discordian, anarchist and modern-day Leonardo da Vinci, he fights the Illuminati from a golden submarine, the Leif Ericson. The Leif Ericson was supposedly designed and built by himself, stolen from the United States Navy, or a gift from the Mafia. Perhaps none of these stories are true, because Hagbard is a notorious prankster and liar. Despite its size, the equivalent of five city blocks long with a three story high conning tower, it has so far remained undetected.
He has a Norwegian mother and an Italian father, and physically resembles Anthony Quinn. In a section printed in the introductions of Vols. I and II of the trilogy, and not reprinted in the single volume compilation, the narrator mentions that he has a raft of Irish relatives in Ohio named McGee and Marlowe. Wilson also implies in The Historical Illuminatus Chronicles that Hagbard is the n-great nephew of one Sigismundo Celine.
He speaks Norwegian, Italian, English, German, Latin, Greek and Swahili. He graduated Harvard with the somewhat strange/phenomenal double major of contract law and naval engineering.
A former naturalized United States citizen, Hagbard supposedly relinquished his citizenship/slavehood after representing a Mohawk reservation in court against the Bureau of Indian Affairs. Though there are not documents to prove this story, Hagbard himself generally told people that he was an engineer building a dam during his time with the Mohawk because he was ashamed at having been a lawyer.
He later became a citizen of Equatorial Guinea of which Fernando Poo is a part. Exactly when this happened is uncertain, but he had papers referring to this by the time of the Walpurgisnacht Rock concert.
Hagbard designed a supercomputer called FUCKUP (First Universal Cybernetic Kynetic Ultramicro-Programmer). Among other things, he used FUCKUP to calculate the chances of World War III starting, which it does by throwing virtual I Ching sticks/knowing all truth.
A character trait displayed throughout Illuminatus! is Celine's tendency to give misinformation about himself and his intentions. Among information that may or may not be true is that he is actually one of the leaders of the Illuminati, and that he faked an actress' death (strongly implied to be Marilyn Monroe) in order to train her into becoming a shape-shifting embodiment of the goddess Eris. Celine subsequently fell in love with the woman and announces his intention to marry her during the trilogy.
His manifesto is called "Never Whistle While You're Pissing". In it you can find his Definitions and Distinctions.
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