User:Garykirk/Jamie Tuffield

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Welcome! Welcome dear fellows, welcome! The Jamie Tuffield Appreciation Society welcomes you! Read this with glee in your smiles, and love in your hearts.

Jamie Tuffield, although only young and full of youthful folly in his few years of age, has appeared in many productions put on at his school, the most recent of which was Romeo & Juliet. Before this he appeared in his school's adaptation of the musical Oliver!

In 2005 he has appeared in the Channel4 sketch show, 'Warning: May Contain Nuts', directed by the acclaimed Garald S. Kirk, a man notorious for his collection of provocative hat wear. You are now holding the DVD of this aforementioned show. Many huzzahs are in order.

The show was written by Kirk and Tuffield themselves, as well as fellow script writers Captain Bob Paterson, a man of a piratey persuasion, and Salysten David, who recently won the "Sexiest Man of the Year" award for the fifth consecutive year. The third episode in particular has been singled out for several prestigious awards, including a Nobel Peace Prize.

Kirk commented about the show in the only interview about it before it was aired. “Although on the surface it seems to be a show based around loose stereotypes and worn out visual gags, the show has underlying themes of love, hope and belief in a righteous path through a world ravished by betrayal and pain,” he said. “Plus, there is lots of gratuitous nudity for you to enjoy!”

Tuffield added, “I myself particularly enjoyed participating in the scene where a Gay Pride Parade goes terribly wrong. I feel that if more shows continued in this fashion, world hunger would be wiped out in a matter of weeks, nay days!”

During the interview, Paterson repeatedly shouted out “Yargh!” fuelling rumours he is a direct blood relative of Blackbeard the pirate, or possibly the great-great-great grandson of his cabin boy. Scholars researching family trees are yet to prove this rumour.

Also during the interview, conducted in a Zoo next to the ice cream stand for artistic reasons, David looked ever so rambunctious, sizzling like several sausages tossed in the fiery furnace of the sun. He is also the subject of speculation, and is rumoured to be dating fifteen celebrity supermodels at once, none of which are yet to be named and/or proved to exist. At this point, an escaping rhinoceros viscously mauled several journalists.

With such attention paid to the show before a single episode has been aired, many people did assumed that the show would never really come, and the pilot episode was just a sham to make people donate all their money in order to reach a falsely promised enlightenment. However, there was nudity.

But that was then and this is now. After all six episodes were aired in six weeks; there was uproar of amazingly proportions. “Disgrace!” the crowd cried, “Horrific, get out!” And boy, did they love it! And here it is, brought out on video and DVD, as well as several other formats that may or may not yet exist in this future. Time travel is a delicate operation, the 'Warning: May Contain Nuts' team did learn. Paradoxical alternate universes sure left me out of breath.

So watch, enjoy, and please feel free to post some money to us. Small children, you shouldn’t be reading this, this is a 15-rated feature! Egad, man! We won’t tell on you, but only if you go and open mummy’s handbag and extract that money and post it to the address shown. Thank you kindly. Oh, and Santa’s not real. (In fact he’s a bit of a pervert… watch the show for more!).

Also, have fun with this free guide to the show! See the following pages for fun-filled character profiles, episode summaries, facts-you-didn’t-want-to-know-and-are-slightly-made-up about the actors and extras, and even a colouring-in page where you can fill in Jamie Tuffield! If you don’t like it or can’t read, donate it to the homeless. Good day to ye! *

♥

• Please note that all of the above words, placed together to make an intelligible sentence, are true to a point where they go full circle and become false. Did I mention that there was nudity?

Sacrilegious? Isn’t that a kind of cheese? ‘Cos Cowboy Jesus is swinging into town! Yeehaw! Watch Biblical scenes portrayed in the Wild, Wild West! Only on ‘Warning: May Contain Nuts’!