User:FishyDeez/Fritalia

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Fritalia, officially the Consumer's Republic of Fritalia, is an artificially constructed island located off of the coast of Dubai. As a joint effort between Apple, Pfizer, and the Starbucks Corporation, the country was privately contracted and founded in 1999 in lieu of the massive Y2K scare. It is often said to be the world's "trendiest privately contracted island", just beating out the Palm and World Islands.

Contents 1 Geography 2 Politics 2.1 The Two Party System 2.2 Law 2.2.1 The Commandments of Fritalia 3 Religion 4 Social Culture 4.1 Fritalian National Anthem 5 Economy

[edit] Geography

The Fritalian mainland is located off of the coast of Dubai in the shape of a giant D & G, and has unsettlingly level topography, a phenomenon often argued upon in the scientific community. Green, luscious parks separate two prominent cities, Dolce and Gabbana. The park landscape is decorated with ponds, symmetrical forests, and numerous benches and paths. Beyond the parks, Fritalia's coastlines feature gorgeous white sand beaches. The percentage of arable land continues to go unknown, as no person has ever actually attempted to farm anything. Ever.

[edit] Politics

The Fritalian Government is based upon the "Theory of Consumer Equity", an idea first provided by island native Craig Daniels when he acquired a debilitating coffee burn but received no bureaucratic attention for his pain and suffering. It is called a theory because government only exists on the premise of there being an actual need for government. The theory calls for:

• A literal form of direct democracy
• All people being directly involved for the interest of their local market stability and personal security

The president of Fritalia serves as both head of state and head of government, and by title serves as the final word on courses of government action. In recent history, however, he has mainly acted as a conduit between the more volatile political parties. The president is elected in a mass election by each of the island's citizens, and is traditionally painfully un-trendy and embarrassingly unqualified. Nominees are forcefully spot-lighted by their respective parties. (Certain political activists have come to refer to presidential candidates as "total tools.") The position is currently held by Nick Smith, who possesses a certain fame for his unwavering ability to wear clothing from Men's Warehouse. He was pushed into the position when the previous president, John Smith, resigned with the famous words "No one gives a s**t anyway."

[edit] The Two Party System

Fritalian politics is harshly dominated by two major parties:

• the PA (physician's alliance), categorized as being scientifically liberal and free-thinking.
• PICL (People for the Interest of Consumer Logic), having a reputation for unflinching conservatism and aversion to change, as well as being highly involved with the Cocaist Chuch.

It is important to note that in the Fritalian social landscape there is no defined separation of church and state. While the PICL party has always held strong ties with Cocoaism, the PA has recently begun to lose favor in the church for its bills proposing further study of the cocoa.

[edit] Law

Laws are introduced by "speakers" of the respective parties, and are directly voted upon by all citizens. Final decisions are handed down from party speakers and into a bureaucratic system that operates much like a bingo tournament. Laws are often debated and revised to the point of non-existence in a subconscious effort to resist change.

Most law-making generally pertains to current styles and trends, but occasionally legislation related to mundane topics (tax, criminality, government, substances, etc) is deliberated upon.

Law breaking has very clear consequences in Fritalia, delineated in the "Theory of Consumer Equity":

• First Offense: The law-breaker shall receive mandatory rehabilitation for an ineffectual period of time by an ineffectual staff.
• Second Offense: The law-breaker is publicly flogged. By the public.
• Third Offense: The law-breaker's tongue is singed and they are exiled from society with a single can of Folger's coffee.

Both the legislative and judicial system suffer from an overall lack of public concern, as most citizens manage to declare themselves "independents", thereby freeing them from meaningful political discourse and the need for any sort of tangible opinion in general.

[edit] The Commandments of Fritalia

Fritalia holds several laws to be highly regarded:

• I: Thou shall not BOGO.
• II: Thou shall not release new product line mid-quarter.
• III: Thou shall not disobey the Paris Fashion Convention.
• IV: No person under the age of 13 may possess coffee beans or any substance produced by, or related to, cocoa paraphernalia.
• V: Thou shall not scientifically examine the cocoa plant.
• VI: Thou shall provide lotion for all who request.
• VII: Thou shall not question science related to mental health.
• VIII: Thou shall not wear white after labor day.
• IX: Thou shall not wear hand-me-downs.
• X: Thou shall not possess any animal, phone, or mp3 player weighing in excess of 10 pounds.

[edit] Religion

The predominant religion of Fritalia is Cocoaism. The religion was unofficially founded in 1999 by Juan Valdez, an immigrant coffee farmer from Colombia. The Cocoaist faith is documented most accurately in the Sparknotes Handbook for Cocoaism which is theoretically based upon the famed "Posts of Cocoaism", a string of online forum topics written by Juan Valdez during the dot com boom of the nineties.

Cocoaism is based upon three sacraments:

• One must atone for his transgressions with fine coffee and by stroking coffee beans strung together with a silk string.
• One must exhibit generosity towards his local market.
• At the age of 13, each boy and girl must partake of their first Starbucks^TM Venti Double Espresso with whipped cream, brewed from free trade beans.

From a social standpoint, most people consider their religion to be a burden of the greatest kind, despite its fairly meager daily requirements.

Some examples of common Cocoaist lingo include:

Cokery 

The highly sacred Cocoaist rosary, consisting of cocoa beads strung together on a piece of silk.

Behnen 

One who is dangerously addicted to the cocoa

Outer 

A social outcast, although rarely or never seen on Fritalia.

Coitzmah 

A cocoaist rite of passage in which a child receives their formal inclusion into a self-serving society.

Bogo 

Buy one, get one free.

Cocoaism is best defined by these lines, which can be found in the first topic of the "Posts of Cocoaism", titled Don't poke the Cocoa:

"Therefore, confine yourselves to small communities
and cloth yourself in the manner of the lastest fashion,
for I say eat, drink cocoa, and be merry,
but ye have been warned
thou shall not poke, prod, or disrespect the cocoa
For this is punishable by the scorching of the tongue
Yet treat the cocoa with respect
And one shall live delightfully upbeat
For the rest of his days."

[edit] Social Culture

"I came to Fritalia, I saw Fritalia, and I promptly left Fritalia."

-Anonymous

Fritalian society is inidisputably based upon popular styles and trends. It declares itself as an "equal-opportunity drug-free society." The island's population, while being home to a number of minorities, is mostly composed of caucasians, aged 18-30. In recent years the number of children has begun to steadily increase, due in part to their status as a tax write-off and the quickly growing child clothing industry.

Everyday life is heavily influenced by coffee, an extremely prevalent staple of the Fritalian life-style. A high-quality coffee establishment can be found at nearly every street corner, and often with a few in between. This contributes to a general caffeine-induced euphoria.

Coupled with this is the high-instance of prescription drug-use among Fritalian citizens of nearly all-ages. It is for this reason that the Fritalian atmosphere can often be described as "depressingly upbeat." When asked about the obvious discrepancies between their drug-free motto and the high incidence of prescription pill usage, PA speaker James Ryan replied "Cocaine? Adderol? Biiiig difference."

The urban landscape is also decorated with an array of state-of-the-art fitness centers, most of which cater to the "10-minute workout plan." Social scientists frequently observe the phenomenon in which people constantly seem to be attending gyms, but not actually ever working out.

The Fritalian sense of community is a principal upon the island. All Fritalian citizens are constantly connected via an omnipresent wireless network; whether it be their wi-fi laptops or cell-phone "my circles." Remaining "in the loop" is an idea intrinsic to the society in which you always have a storehouse of information concerning people you've never met.

Motor vehicles have been all but outlawed, while Segway PT usage has skyrocketed among the Fritalian population.

Substantial sources of income are almost entirely indeterminable among Fritalians. Experts speculate that were an accurate census to be taken of Fritalian citizens, unemployment would be at 100% or above. Fritalians live far beyond their means in all aspects of life, whether it be their apartment furnishings, portable music players, or their brand of bottled water.

Baseline retail employees, which run the basic Fritalian market infrastructure, no longer actually have residence upon the island, due to the obscenely high cost of living. They either commute from off-shore floating barracks, or are electronically outsourced to India.

In recent months, the Physician's Alliance has begun the arduous process of introducing bills related to constructing an education system. Popular political scientist John Michael, when interviewed about this development, replied: "Yeah, right."

[edit] Fritalian National Anthem

While Fritalia is a culture that holds musical diversity in high-esteem, all citizens rally around the national anthem, which is reprinted and translated here:

French

"Fritalia, Belle île d'Oh,
où le cacao, où le cacao se développe sauvage,
mais Fritalia ne comprend pas le français,
ainsi nous ferons le gouvernement un certain autre jour"

English

"Fritalia, oh beautiful island,
where the cocoa, where the cocoa grows wild
but fritalia does not understand French
so we'll do government some other day"

[edit] Economy

The Fritalian economy runs on a system of free-market capitalism. This, in effect, means that Fritalian citizens are constantly clinging to the free-market ideals while the major largely profit-driven corporations determine all distribution, production, and pricing, comfortable in the knowledge that Fritalians will pay exorbitant amounts of money for anything.

The standard currency is the Fritmark, which carries a monetary weight doubling that of the English pound. While economic stability has been a feature of island since its creation, many fear that a depression is imminent.

A native IRS and system of tax laws was implemented upon the island's founding, but the only institution that managed to survive harsh criticism was the sales tax.

Fritalia's major exports include fine coffee (genetically engineered in underground hydroponic farms ), prescription pills, people with very little to offer to society, and micro-technology to be used in over-priced electronics.

Imports include fruits, vegetables, meat, antibiotics, bio-diesel, diet-plans, electronics, clothing, building materials, and essentially everything else required to sustain a human society.