Ewan Petrie

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Ewan Petrie is a reporter and newsreader on STV Central's news programme, Scotland Today.

Petrie has been seen on the programme more now as one of the main sportscaster, due to Jane Lewis leaving the programme.

He now job-shares with Raman Bhardwaj on the sportsdesk.

Petrie sometimes anchors the weekend bulletins of Scotland Today as well, and he's also filled in on the lunchtime edition of the programme.

Originally of Inuit descent, Ewan grew up in a remote part of northern Greenland, before his family were expelled from their community due to allegations of seal-rustling (unproven) and took up residence in Scotland. From there, Ewan mastered Gaelic, Latin and English by the time he was 7 and excelled at school to such an extent was promoted through the years to sit his Highers aged 12.

His movements between the years between 12 and 18 are unknown, but thought to include spells working as a translator for the Roman vegetarian extremist group Veni Veggi Vici, who briefly considered infiltrating Britain through far-left Scottish nationalist politics. When the ring was finally smashed by a specialist Italian police unit (the Carpagios), many documents seized from the group leaders contained references to a contact codenamed "Il Haggis-Vegetariano", also know as "Juan". Although never fully substantiated, this was suspected to be a reference to the young Petrie's group of crack translators. It is believed that it is after the plot was discovered that Ewan changed the spelling of his name from Euan to Ewan, in order to throw MI5 off his trail.

At 18, Ewan enrolled at Edinburgh University. Although academically gifted, University proved to be a difficult time for him. Expecting to find other like-minded radicals with equally strong moral convictions, instead he found himself adrift in a sea of bloated upper-middle class oxbridge rejects, who were more interested in puffer jackets and pashminas than universal vegetal suffrage. Disillusioned, Ewan became vulnerable to the ghosts of his past and started bingeing on cheddar (with non-vegetarian renet) and raw fish. To sustain his savoury habits, he turned to journalism.

Ewan started his stellar career writing readers' letters for local glamour magazine "Scots Wha-hey Missus!!". It was not long though before he came into contact with the darker side of the business, and was forced to write stories involving unspeakable abuse of root vegetables and cucumbers. This triggered an epic internal struggle between his core beliefs and his human weaknesses, but ultimately his solidarity with his organic brethren won the day. Determined to kick the habits that had led him to such a dark place, he nonetheless realised his innate talent for the media, and resolved to continue on the path that fate had placed him on.

Moving cautiously at first, Petrie made his entrance into local radio where his spectacular rise through the ranks was noticed by sharp-eyed producers at STV who snapped him up on a free transfer to the sports desk. After months of covering Albion Rovers games, his big break came when they met Hibernian in the 3rd round of the 2004/5 Scottish Cup where despite Petrie's controversially partisan commentary, he couldn't prevent Rovers slumping to a 3-1 defeat.

His talent for talking up Rovers' dire performance into, as Petrie summed up, "a glowing display of total football, the like of which will never be seen in Scotland again unless Barcelona come to play at Parkhead" could have earned him a lucrative career in PR. Instead, Petrie remained true to his ethics and took up a contract with STV.

"The wonder years," as media observers came to describe Petrie's era at STV, were characterised by underhand exposes of the lure of Glasgow's vice dens, exclusives detailing the sexual titillations of Scotland's leading stars, including fellow TV-personality, the late Jim Taggart and serious depictions of the slow decline of his beloved Greenland as the ice-caps began to melt under the pressure of global warming.

Sadly the glory was short-lived. After a trip to London on a stag do in late 2006, Petrie was seduced by the lures of flesh and, while enhancing Scottish international relations, realised that his talent deserved exposure on a bigger stage.