Evil Alien Conquerors

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[1] Evil Alien Conquerors is a movie directed by Chris Matheson in 2002, and is a blend of science-fiction and comedy. The budget for this film was 500,000 USD.

Contents 1 Story 1.1 Hardships 1.2 Divine Inspirations 2 Factions 2.1 Antagonists 2.2 Protagonists 3 Humor 4 References

[edit] Story

This story tells of two aliens sent on the, what they believe to be, simple quest of decapitating all of Earth's people in a matter of days. The two leads go by the name of My-ik (played by Diedrich Bader, who played Oswald on The Drew Carey Show), and Du-ug (played by Chris Parnell, known for his roles in Anchorman and Saturday Night Live). They are sent on this 'holy mission' by the fanatical leader of Kabijj, and incited onwards by the dread thought of failure: death by Croker, a giant of their people, known for being a fearsome warrior.

The two friends encounter immediate difficulty as upon their teleportation to Earth, their swords shrink into tiny blades, roughly equivalent to a metal toothpick. As they scratch their heads and ham it up they meet their first Earthling, Kenny. Kenny acts as their guide to Earth, and is quite affectionate to the confused pair. His first impression though is one of awe as he watches them drop from the sky as they make their debut on his planet. Kenny is played by Michael Weston, famous for his portrayal of convicted murderer Bobby Beausoleil in the 2004 remake of Helter Skelter.

[edit] Hardships

The two aliens continue undaunted against many hardships, including a daunting scene in which a lone cow defeats both of them, even armed as they are with a chainsaw and machete. As they come to Earth though, one cannot say they do not adjust very abruptly. Almost immediately Du-ug becomes addicted to Smirnoff Ice, and it is not long at all before he is seduced by a rather revolting woman of forty or so, as they clean her yard to gain some extra dough to fuel their purge of the human race.

As they visit a laundromat the friends have their hearts swept away as they are confronted by the most beautiful women they have ever seen. They have all the desirable traits of women: unibrows and hairy feet. The relationship is kicked off fairly smoothly, until very drunk and self-piteous My-ik and Du-ug lose total control as they realize Croker is soon to be sent after them.

[edit] Divine Inspirations

As time drains our heroes realize that they must begin on their goal. First they think small, starting with a chainsaw and a machete purchased form the local hardware store, then they really get thinking. One idea includes implanting metal in all human heads and unleashing a gigantic magnet that would rip the heads right off, this idea is shot down immediately as they realize that implanting metal in all human heads would probably be more difficult than just chopping the heads off. Probably their most brilliant idea, and disappointingly enough, this fails as well, comes last. They start with a tandem bicycle, and with some quite ingenious thinking devise the ultimate human destroying machine. They give it flight, with massive wings, and to make sure they grab their targets attention they 'give them what they want.' Nudies, or naked people. So naturally they unzip their dashingly color coordinated jumpsuits and come out dressed only in diaper like undergarments. Then so as to make the humans stand for their deaths they pull out a rather comic idea, playing the Star-Spangled Banner on an old tape deck. Unfortunately as all this is sent into action their plans are foiled by three preteens and a well-aimed slingshot projectile. As a matter in fact the only successful weapon Du-ug and My-ik have is the ability to screech simotaneously, though of different notes. This is done in a fashion like playing an E and an E flat at the same time, so naturally it makes the skin crawl.

[edit] Factions

In this movie there are obviously the good guys and the bad guys. But since there are two planets there is also added depth to the story, as the bad guys from Earth and Kabijj do not necessarily get along.

[edit] Antagonists

There are two main baddies in this story, one from planet Earth, the other from Kabijj. The Great and Terrible Croker is played by Tyler Labine, a famaliar Dave Grove to anyone who watches ABC's new series, Invasion. According to the plot Croker is a giant roughly 100 feet tall, who is all but invincible. Well as you may have gathered from this story's kick off, when sent through the teleporter somethings have a tendency to shrink. When Croker appears at the climax of the story he loses his immense height and is comically one of the shortest of the cast. Nevertheless he is not afraid to rub his bare face against lit grills to show that he eats everything.

Second bad-boy is played by Elden Henson, who was in the 2005 hit movie Lords of Dogtown. His character is apparentally quite the ladies man, and his goal in life is to get threesomes(however, throughout the movie no women are seen going into or out his room), which he claims to frequently achieve. Oh yeah, and he can bench 210. So naturally this conceited blowhart takes an immediate disliking to our alien friends and makes Earth life difficult for them, even going so far as to steal their women.

[edit] Protagonists

There are three main good guys, My-ik, Du-ug, and Kenny. Kenny is quite neutral throughout the movie, until the climax where he does some nifty sword wielding and successfully muddles the plot even further, for more on that though you'll have to watch the movie itself, which is not that big a deal considering it sells for about three postage stamps (1 USD). My-ik and Du-ug are again, the aliens on a quest to end the human race, but even they have a soft spot and go so far as to allow Kenny's death to be swift and painless.

My-ik and Du-ug are complete morons when it comes to Earth life. They frown upon many things that you must at least cope with to be socially accepted. But on the other hand their morales are similar to many Orthodox religions. They fear laying their eyes on nudies (those who are naked) or becoming naked themselves. Of course all the respect they would earn in a Catholic Church for this vow of abstinence would be lost if the told of the 'ceremonial head-dunk' that takes place after using the restroom. Need I say more?

[edit] Humor

Note: none of these are direct quotes from the movie, but rather paraphrased by the author until a time comes when they can be perfected.

Kroger: Who could resist such an offer, Kroger? ONLY AN ASSHOLE, KROGER!!

My-ik: Do you know the Cow? (pause) He's an insolent bastard.

My-ik: Do you like Supertramp? Jan: Yes! My-ik: I hate Supertramp.

My-ik: By Rabir's unkempt muff!!!

My-ik: (thrashing about in his sleep) Nudies. Nudies. Nudies! NUDIES!! (sits calmly upright) I had no dream.

My-ik: "(talking to cow) You will sizzle in our frying pan tonight demon!"

Croker: "I AM 100 FEET TALL!!" (said when quite obviously shorter than 6 foot)

Emperors' Aid: (Addressing My-ik, and Du-ug before being sent to earth) The last two conquerors were killed by the transporter! It works better now! Probably!

[edit] References

1. IMDb Evil Alien Conqueror Page