User:Etaonish/Quotes

• Bash.org quotes are here

• Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
• Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what is right.
• To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.
• Love isn't finding the perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly. - Sam Keen
• Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
• You don't love a woman because she's beautiful; she is beautiful because you love her.
• A fool in love makes no sense to me / I only think you are a fool / If you do not love.
• The death of one man is a tragedy. The death of millions is a statistic.
• "Do you know where I can quickly get some free music?" "1-800-624-9896" "What's that?" "Dell support"
• In Soviet Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

[edit] Quotes about me

• • You know, Ed, you're like a Foxtrot comic.
  • Next time we go to an academic competition, Ed, you should come just to intimidate them. You don't even have to say anything, but you look so damn smart that they'll give up right there.

[edit] Douglas Adams

• • A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
  • ABOYNE (vb.) To beat an expert at a game of skill by playing so appallingly that none of his clever tactics or strategies are of any use to him.
  • The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
  • It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

[edit] Jon Stewart

• • We begin tonight with a simple, indisputable fact: as a young man, President George W. Bush benefited from family connections to get a place in the Texas Air National Guard, thus avoiding service in Vietnam. As you would guess, this has led to calls for the resignation of Dan Rather.
  • I mean, 300 camera crews outside a courthouse to see what Kobe Bryant is wearing while false information used to send our country to war goes unchecked? What the fuck happened?
  • On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently 3 full-time, 24-hour news networks.
  • Ralph Nader chose the man with whom to share the responsibility of running a distant third, California activist Peter Camejo. You may remember that Camejo ran for president in 1976 on the Socialist Workers Party ticket. Actually, you might only remember that if you run a lesbian vegetarian bookstore.
  • The Bushes hosted their predecessors at the White House yesterday, for the official unveiling of Bill and Hillary Clinton's White House portraits. The occasion moved the current commander in chief to a rare show of gracious bipartisanship.... Bush then handed the mic over to Clinton. It's been a long time since this skilled orator spoke in the White House. I'm sure he's got some profound words to share.... [clip of Clinton: 'All those kind and generous you said, made me feel like I was a pickle stepping into history.'] ... Uhhh, I don't get that at all. As a matter of fact, if I remember correctly, your pickle's already stepped into history.
  • If you're keeping score at home, so far our war in Iraq has created a police state in that country and socialism in Spain. So, no democracies yet, but we're really getting close.
  • Some see the move as an attempt to preserve traditional values, while others see it as a cynical ploy to ensure that Vice President Dick Cheney will never have to pay for his gay daughter's wedding. [on Bush's proposal for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage]
  • The White House released documents it claims validate the President's (National Guard) service.... When deciphered, the documents showed that in a one-year period, 1972 and 1973, Bush received credit for nine days of active National Guard service. The traditional term of service then and now for the National Guard is one weekend a month and two full weeks a year, meaning that Bush's nine-day stint qualifies him only for the National Guard's National Guard. That's the National Guard's National Guard, an Army of None.
  • I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president...' and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.
  • If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American -- our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
  • Bush advisers have long been worried that a lagging economy could hamper the President's re-election chances. They hope that the Cabinet shake-up will provide a needed jolt. If that doesn't work, North Korea has to go.
  • Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld had a press conference at the Pentagon. If you listen to him speak, it really makes you wonder what the fuck he's thinking. [Shows clip of Rumsfeld threatening to hold Syria and Iran accountable for hostile acts against the U.S.] Do you see what he just did there? We're in the middle of a war, and he's starting another war. We're already fighting Iraq and he's like, 'Syria, you want a piece?' ...There is nothing like a cantankerous old man who takes a hey-you-kids-get-off-my-lawn approach to foreign policy. The guy's literally just like a drunk swinging a broken bottle at people. 'Hey, Netherlands, you looking at me?'
  • In Iraq, the U.S. military's whack-a-mole approach to killing Saddam Hussein may have finally paid off. The bombs destroyed the area and left behind a 60-foot crater, or as coalition forces prefer to call it, a freedom hole.
  • Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army: when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.
  • Some would argue that the president himself benefited from a form of affirmative action because, as a C student, he only got into Yale because his father was a wealthy alumnus. But the White House counters that Saddam is a menace and must be stopped.
  • Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.
  • Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?
  • The United States Central Command of the Armed Forces has asked Geraldo Rivera to leave Iraq. It should also be noted that the only three other people that the U.S. military has asked to leave Iraq are Saddam Hussein and his two sons.
  • We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext for invading Iraq. There's just one problem -- it's in North Korea.
  • President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82 percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent.
  • "I was not elected to serve one party." -- George W. Bush (video overlay) "You were not elected." -- Jon Stewart "I have something else to ask you, to ask every American. I ask you to pray for this great nation." -- Bush "We're way ahead of you." -- Stewart
  • Last night, the Republican faithful were angry. After four years of being in charge of the House, Senate, Supreme Court, and Executive branch, they were not gonna take it anymore. Yeah! Down with the people who are already down! [on the GOP convention]
  • When they say they served with Kerry in Vietnam, what they really mean is that they were in Vietnam at the same time. Kind of like how Snoopy served with the Red Baron. [on the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth, who attacked John Kerry's military service record]
  • In what will have to pass as the convention's biggest surprise, Ron Reagan, Jr., son of the recently sainted Republican president, will address the convention on the subject of stem cell research. The Republican attack machine has already countered by announcing their convention's keynote address will be delivered by Roger Clinton on the subject of, 'I Thought You Said There'd Be Girls Here'
  • The prisoner scandal is yet another election-year problem for President Bush. And with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9/11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry.
  • Insiders have begun voicing serious concerns about how he's conducting his campaign. One aide told the New York Times that while Bush's message of 'steady leadership' has remained consistent, Kerry has gone through six different messages in the 18 months he's been running, including, at one particularly desperate juncture, 'Kerry: Health care jobs for the troops' environment.
  • Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?
  • GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who -- as we all know -- before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.
  • Of course, it is still eight months to election day, but the campaign is starting to fall into its own natural rhythm: falsely macho Kerry comment, falsely indignant Bush response.
  • Bush went on to attack the Democrats' policies. (Bush:) 'Their agenda is to increase federal taxes, to build a wall around this country, and to isolate America from the rest of the world.' Hmm. So you're concerned the Democrats might do something that would damage America's standing in the world. Interesting ... that you would think that's still possible.
  • After going to war against the U.N.'s expressed wishes, the U.S. is now admitting it needs the U.N.'s help. It's the geopolitical equivalent of the 2 a.m. phone call every parent dreads: 'Mom, I'm not saying I wrecked the car, but I need a ride home.'
  • We declared war on terror—it’s not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I’m sure we’ll take on that bastard ennui.
  • President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

[edit] Jay Leno

• • 106 [degrees] in the valley… I was sweating like Dan Rather checking for forged documents.
  • Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.
  • Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.
  • Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on.
  • Even Arnold's adviser says he was shocked by his decision to run. I mean, his people were backstage that night and they had no idea. He totally fooled them. Who knew Arnold was that good of an actor? If he had done that in a movie, he'd have an Academy Award by now.
  • I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
  • In a new issue of Esquire magazine, they revealed that before he was married to Teresa Heinz, Senator John Kerry dated Morgan Fairchild, Michelle Phillips, Catherine Oxenberg and Dana Delany. Finally a Democratic presidential candidate with good taste in women.
  • In California, 50 women protested the im pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
  • It looks like it's going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or Gray Davis. You got a robot from the future or a robot with no future.
  • Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.
  • Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.
  • Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.
  • Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore - in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all.
  • President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room.
  • President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida.
  • President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?
  • The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him.
  • The latest word is that Saddam Hussein is now creating a buffer zone in Northern Iraq to defend against a northern invasion. Experts say if he's successful this could extend the length of the war by up to seven minutes.
  • The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad.You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down.
  • They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!

[edit] Mathematics

• • Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer "one third x cubed." She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"? He repeats "one third x cubed". She asks, "one thir dex cuebd?" "Yes, that's right," he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...". The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?". The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant!"
  • There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about rectangular coordinates and it couldn't understand them. All the horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't. Then a new guy looked at the problem and said, "Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!"
  • After Receiving an Invitation to a Mathematicians' Ball:
    • Augustin Louis Cauchy said he will surely manage to integrate well with everyone.
    • David Hilbert was afraid he will be pretty spaced out for most of the party.
    • Paul Erdös asked: "Are epsilons invited too?"
    • John Forbes Nash insisted on playing n-person zero sum games.
    • Zeno of Elea said he will come with two friends - Achilles and the tortoise.
    • Bertrand Russell was wondering: "If the cook only cooks for the guests, who cooks for the cook?"
    • Kurt Gödel insisted that the invitation is incomplete and never will be.
  • Prime numbers
    • Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
    • Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime,...
    • Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...
    • Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime,...
    • Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can,...
    • Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release,...
    • Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet,...
    • Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime,...
    • Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime,...
    • Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
    • Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers: 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime...
    • Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
    • Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime,...
    • Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it,...
  • An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician (it is said) were holidaying in Scotland. Glancing from a train window, they observed a black sheep in the middle of a field. "How interesting," observed the astronomer, "all scottish sheep are black!" To which the physicist responded, "No, no! Some Scottish sheep are black!" The mathematician gazed heavenward in supplication, and then intoned, "In Scotland there exists at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."
  • A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in africa. They drive out on the savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebra's! We'll be famous!" The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra." The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side." The computer scientist: "Oh, no! A special case!"
  • An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician are staying in three adjoining cabins at an old motel. First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep. Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep. The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He says: "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to sleep.
  • Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, You take one down, and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.

[edit] Futurama

• • Space, it seems to go on and on forever. But then you get to the end and a gorilla starts throwing barrels at you.
  • Fry: You guys might both still be losers, but I just made out with that radiator woman from that radiator planet. Leela: Fry, that's a radiator. Fry: Oh...is there a burn ward within 10 feet of here?
  • If we can hit that bull's-eye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards... Checkmate!
  • Brannigan's law is like Brannigan's love: hard and fast.
  • When I'm in command, every mission's a suicide mission!
  • In a game of chess you can never let your opponent see your pieces.
  • Supplicant: Please, Don-Bot... look into your hard drive and open your mercy file! Don-Bot: File not found.
  • Planet Express: our crew is replaceable, your package isn't.
  • Lrrr: People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the Planet Ninten-do 64. Tremble in fear at our three different kinds of ships. Fry: I’ve still got a trick or two up my sleeve. Watch as I fire upwards through our own shield! (gasps) Lrrr: You are defeated. Instead of shooting at where I was, you should have been shooting at where I was going to be.
  • They frolic in the Lovey Forest until their first birthday, then we choose the cuddly-uddliest ones and stuff them full of fire-retardant love fluff!

[edit] The Simpsons

• • Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured I was on the internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.
  • Inspired by the most logical race in the galaxy, the Vulcans, breeding will be permitted once every seven years. For many of you this will mean much less breeding, for me, much much more. - Comic Book Guy
  • America's health care system is second only to Japan ... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain ... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
  • Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie Spaceballs. But instead, it’s been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy.
  • I don't miss a thing. (walks into different room) WOAH! We have a kitchen?!
  • To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!
  • Well I'm better than dirt! Well, most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I can't compete with that stuff.
  • No, you got the wrong number. This is 91... 2.
  • I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
  • (After a lie detector test) Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight (lie buzzer) ..a date (lie buzzer) ..dinner with a friend (lie buzzer) ..dinner alone (lie buzzer) ..watching TV alone (lie buzzer) ...All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. (lie buzzer) Sears catalog. (ding) Now will you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! (lie buzzer)
  • I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.
  • Frink: According to my calculations every robot will eventualy run amok with the killing and the screaming and the pointy teeth... Scientist: My God Professor, when will this happen? Frink: In exactly 24 hours! (robots get up and start attacking lab workers) Oh dear, I forgot to carry the one.
  • Homer: Hello. My name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me. Clerk: Okay, Mr. Burns...uh, what is your first name? Homer:...I don't know.
  • I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
  • Do my worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
  • Art lady: It's called 'outsider art.' It could be done by a mental patient, a hillbilly . . . or a chimpanzee. Homer: Hey! In high school, I was voted most likely to BE a mental patient, a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee!
  • I guess you can call him the little turtle who couldn't! Check our website for recipies.
  • Coming up next: Can yodeling cure cancer? Of course not.
  • Today, a massive tidal wave struck Kua...Kuala Lum..Ka-walla...France!
  • Ladies and gentlemen, uh, we've just lost the picture, but what we've seen speaks for itself. The Corvair spacecraft has apparently been taken over- 'conquered' if you will- by a master race of giant space ants. It's difficult to tell from this vantage point whether they will consume the captive Earthman or merely enslave them. One thing is for certain: there is no stopping them; the ants will soon be here. And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them as a trusted TV personality, I can be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.
  • Things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.
  • Lisa: It is better to remain silent and be thought the fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Homer's Brain: Uh-oh what did that mean. Better say something or they'll think you're stupid. Homer: Takes one to know one! Homer's Brain: Swish!
  • No jury in the world is going to convict a baby... Maybe Texas.
  • Marge: Please. You have to protect my husband. Wiggum: Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people? Lou: Uh, second word, Chief. Wiggum: Thanks a lot, Princeton Pete.
  • Lionel Hutz: Your honour, I move for a bad court thingie. Judge: You mean a mistrial? Lionel Hutz: That's it. That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking-guy.
  • Comic Book Guy: Human contact, the final frontier...
  • Wiggum: Then listen to me, lady. The only way you're getting off this mountain is in a box, or a funicular. Lou: What about a hot-air balloon? Wiggum: Yeah, pipe down, Jules Verne.
  • Marge: Look, they're making a movie! Robert Downey Jr. is shooting it out with the police! Bart: I don't see any cameras.
  • Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.
  • I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.
  • 3M and M&M have merged to form, now get this: (pause) UltraDyne Systems
  • (on why he chose Mr. Burns' film as the best) Krusty: Because it moved me...TO A NEW HOUSE! Oops, I said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud...

==Family Guy== [1]

• • Peter: Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled. Lois: Oh no! Peter, how could they do that? Peter: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls The Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pits, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda At Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute With Stan Hooper, Normal Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realms, Keen Eddy, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric The Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and Greg The Bunny. Lois: Is there no hope? Peter: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
  • Dear MacGyver, Enclosed is a rubber band, a paperclip, and a drinking straw. Please save my dog.
  • Fox is running one of those new reality specials at eight. Fast animals, Slow Children
  • Ok, ok. I've got it, I've got it. If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer; you'd need an egg calendar. Ahhahaha. Oh, that's right. I went there.
  • AND NO SPRINKLES! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!
  • Now is the winter of your discontent!
  • You know mother, life is like a box of chocolates: you never know what you're going to get. Your life however is more like a box of... active grenades!
  • Hello mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper, and it's not a toaster.
  • Now look here... "Jo-lene". I have an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES! Oh, God help you if I find pickles!
  • (confronting a bully) I've learned that the reason bullies are mean is because of a deeply repressed inner pain. So, let me help you by giving you a healthy dose of... (holds out a bazooka) OUTER PAIN!
  • Oh, let me guess. You've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn, and turn, until... ooh! Big shock, a jack pops out. And, you laugh, and the kids laugh, and the dog laughs, and I die a little inside.
  • You! Bring me the Wall Street Journal. You two! Fight to the death.
  • If you're hoping to see a video of Meg in a compromising position, believe me, so is she.
  • A picture of Meg in a two-piece. God, I pray this isn't my first memory!
  • Okay, what takes an hour? We could watch Rita Rudner do 5 minutes of stand-up.
  • I didn't even know there was a 5 am mass. I didn't even know there was a 5 am. What else haven't you told me!?!!
  • Dear diary...jackpot!
  • I felt Guilty once, but she woke up half way through.
  • Wait, hold the phone, you took me away from a Swedish girly girl and her paralyzed but trusting cousin for this?
  • What's all the noise, boys? I was just jerk---ed out of a sound sleep!
  • Hello there. You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire.
  • (as President Clinton in the Oval Office) My fellow Americans, I have not been entirely truthful with you. I did gigoogidy that girl. I gishmoigideed her giflavidee with my googus. And I am sorry.
  • The only tent I'm pitching tonight is...well, you see where I'm going with this. Oh!
  • (Peter asks who he would go out with, if he could choose anyone in the world. Quagmire says Taylor Hanson, and then is told that Taylor Hanson is a guy) Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh god! But I have all these magazines...oh my god! Oh god!
  • Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time
  • Peter: Oh my god. Brian, there's a message in my alphabits. It says "oooo" Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
  • Peter (imagining Hell): Wow. Adolf Hitler, Al Capone, John Wilkes Booth, eh, hey, what, what are you doing here? Superman: I killed a hooker. She made a crack about me being faster than a speeding bullet so I ripped her in half like a phone book.
  • Peter: Since I took over as President our profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. [Cuts to Alyssa Milano in real life] Alyssa Milano: What a cheap shot... Joel! Joel (the lawyer): (already on phone) I'm suing I'm suing, I'm on it I'm on it.
  • ISS GONN' RAIN!
  • Attention restaurant customers. Testicles. That is all.
  • Oh man, this is even more intense than the time I forgot how to sit down.
  • Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this, and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house, you have to clean it.
  • Face it, Brian, I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser.
  • Due to a technicality, we have the right to secede from the US. Everybody, I give you... Petoria! I was going to call it Peter Land, but the gay bar down by the airport already took it.
  • Oh, I'm a child am I, Lois? Well if I'm a child, do you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.
  • If I'm here, and you're there, (points at world map) and Istanbul is in this general area, then what the hell is that?
  • A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat -- you know how much we've always wanted one of those!
  • Because you touch yourself at night.
  • I look like a freaking emmy! Hint hint.
  • Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.
  • There she is, boys! The SS More Powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk put together.
  • (Trying to come up with a fake name in the rehab clinic cafeteria) "Oh, lets see... (looks around room) uh... (sees a pea on someone's plate) Pea... uh... (sees a woman crying) tear... (sees a Griffin inexplicably fly across the room) Griffin. Yeah, Peter Griffin... Aw crap.
  • No! It's step, pivot, step, turn! Are you trying to piss off the volcano!?
  • You know what really grinds my gears? When you can't find the droids you are looking for
  • First one to the marker where that Pakistani girl fell through the ice after coming to the States to get treatment for her severely burned face which she got when the man she refused to marry dumped sulphuric acid on her wins. I win! (A zombified hand breaks through the ice and grabs onto his leg) Ahhh! Acid girl! It's acid girl! Ahhh!
  • Meg, remember that pony you wanted when you were six? Well, I've been waiting for a time like this... (he opens the closet door, but a skeleton of a pony is there) Oh, that's right... ponies... ponies like food, don't they? Oh boy.
  • Wait, they can't make a dead guy pay the bill, can they? It's easy. All I have to do is write "deceased" where it says name, and where it says "sex", I'll write "No thanks, I'm dead".
  • So Chris failed a class, it's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that Thanksgiving when I was 19.
  • Whoa, ass ahoy. Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?
  • When I stick this army guy with the sharp bayonette up my nose, it tickles my brain. Hah hah hah...ow. Oh, now I don't know math.
  • I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz.
  • Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned our porta-potties. Then I used my Stream of Justice to put out the Flames of Hate.
  • Wow, Lois must have written the book on man-pleasing. Too bad Loretta doesn't allow white literature in our household.
  • Peter: Aw, geez. When did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"? Brian: I think they had a meeting about it last night. Peter: Why wasn't I told? Brian: Well, they sent you a card, but it said "For Peter" so you must've thought it was from you and... you know, it's just easier to call you an idiot.
  • Peter: I'll handle it, Brian. I read a book on this sort of thing once. Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't... nothing? Peter: Oh yeah.
  • Guy 1: Hey, you want a piece of gum? Guy 2: Oh, thanks. Guy 1: Ha ha! That was joke gum. Guy 2: What do you mean? Guy 1: Now you're addicted to heroin. [laughs] Guy 2: [laughs then shivers] I'm cold.
  • Cop 1: (talking to Brian) Good luck rookie! Cop 2: You're a credit to the force. Cop 3: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!
  • Teacher: Well class, we were scheduled to watch a PBS program on the mating rituals of the nude, large breasted Wewak tribe of New Guinea. Unfortunately, Megan Griffin ruined TV. So instead we're having a surprise test.
  • Hot woman 1: It's so hot out here. (takes her top off) Hot woman 2: And it just got hotter! Here, now let me do you! Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard. Lois: Ugh, typical male fantasy... women drinking beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial. Peter: Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
  • Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill? Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's... that's just terrible. Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!
  • Judge: I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison (gavel strike) Lois: OH NO! Brian: OH NO! Chris: OH NO! Meg: OH NO! Kool-Aid Man: (breaks in through Court Room wall) OOOOH YEAAAHHH!... Everyone: (silence) Kool-Aid Man: (slowly backs out through the hole he made in the wall)
  • Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Peter: (thinking) Don't say doing your wife. Don't say doing your wife. (aloud) Doing your, uh, (looks at picture on desk) son...
  • Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me. Death: Well, that would just leave England...
  • Black Knight: You see that there, kids? Your father's nothing but a fizzle! Peter: Hey, no one calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran off. He got away with it. But most people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it. Actually, that guy who got away with it was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. After today, only half the people who called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it.
  • Brian: The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football. (Flashback to Peter, watching MNF, pressing record button on VCR. FBI immediately slams through the door) Agent: Do you have the express written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League? Peter: (holds up paper, quivering) Just ABC.
  • Judge: You're a monster. In fact, if I could, I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public, perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people for a pre-determined period of time based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists, so I have no choice but to set you free.
  • Munich tour guide: The city of Munich is known for its beer as well as its... Brian: (looking in brochure) Uh, excuse me, why isn't there any information here about Germany between 1939 and 1945? Tour guide: Everyone was on vacation then!
  • (after Petoria invades and occupies Joe's pool) Chris: Dad, I tried to get to school this morning but that guy won't let me! Peter: Oh, yeah? Him and what army? Chris: The United States Army. Peter: Ooooo, that's a good army.
  • Peter: I want the father-son relationship that the Gumbles have. Lois: Peter, the Gumbles are brothers. Peter: Oh, so just because they're black, we can't learn anything from them?
  • Doctor: Peter, good news! You don't have cancer. That lump in your breast was a Fatty Carbucle. Peter: How can a dead actor from the fourties be in my left breast? Doctor: Peter, I'm telling you you're fine. Peter: What, are you coming on to me now? Lois: Peter, he's telling you you're not going to die. Doctor: Can it be both?
  • Peter: My father used to work at the mill for 60 years! That's almost 80 years!
  • Doctor: Well, Rudolph, we finally figured out what makes your nose red. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: Is it pixy dust or Leprechaun tails? Doctor: No, it's a tumor. Rudolph: You mean like a magical Christmas tumor? Doctor: No, a malignant tumor the base of which is lodged deep within your brain. Rudolph: Oh...like a happy special- Doctor: You're going to die.
  • Peter: Guns don't kill people. Dangerous minorities do.
  • Chris: Dad, what would you say if I told you I wanted to quit the scouts? Peter: I'd ask 'Come again?' and then I'd laugh because I just said 'cum'.
  • Peter: Geez, this party wouldn't be any better if Jesus himself was here. [Flash to Jesus at a party] Jesus: For my next trick, I'll turn water...into funk! [Set changes into disco]
  • Girl on Love Connection: If I were an ice cream cone, how would you eat me? Contestant 1: I'd get a friend over and give you a double dip. Contestant 2: I would lick the fudge off real slow and cover you with my special topping. Peter: Well, I would eat you really fast before I go flacid.
  • [Men standing in the road after Y2K explosions] Man: Halt! Peter: Wow, you guys survived the apocalypse too? Men: To pass, you must answer the following question correctly. Do you have any food? Peter: No, we were going to Nadick to the Twinkee Factory. Man: Hm. Well, if you could bring one thing on a picnic, what would you bring? [answering at the same time] Chris: A kitty!, Meg: A boyfriend!, Lois: Potato salad., Stewie: A dead Lois. Peter: Ok, I think we're going with potato salad. Man: [Points to right] Show me potato salad! [nothing is there] Peter: Let's get the hell out of here.
  • Lois: Don't worry, Carol. We're almost there...Peter, why are we stopped? [Peter talking to drive-thru menu] Peter: Um, yeah I'll have three cheeseburgers. Lois: For God sakes, Peter, She's having a baby! Peter: Oh sorry, and a kid's meal. And uh, I guess I'll have fries. If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any? Because if I'm the only one eating them I'll feel like a fatty.

[edit] Catch-22

• • There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
  • Open your eyes, Clevinger. It doesn't make a damned bit of difference who wins the war to someone who's dead.
  • Morale was deteriorating and it was all Yossarian's fault. The country was in peril; he was jeopardizing his traditional rights of freedom and independence by daring to exercise them.
  • Dear Mrs., Mr., Miss, or Mr. And Mrs. Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father, or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action.

[edit] Chess

• • Modern chess is too much concerned with things like pawn structure. Forget it - checkmate ends the game. - Nigel Short
  • There are two types of sacrifices: correct ones and mine. - Mikhail Tal
  • Why must I lose to this IDIOT. - Aaron Nimzowitsch
  • Checkers is for tramps. - Paul Morphy
  • Of chess it has been said that life is not long enough for it, but that is the fault of life, not chess. - Irving Chernev