Dame Sally Markham

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Dame Sally Markham is a fictional character in the cult BBC TV and radio show Little Britain, played by Matt Lucas. Her catchphrase is "How many pages?".

Dame Sally is a romantic novelist who likes nothing better than lounging on her couch, eating truffles, while her hard working aide, Miss Grace, types up her dictation. Unfortunately, Dame Sally's novels often fall far short of the required length, so normally end with, e.g., "blah blah blah", the entire Bible being read aloud by one character, or with whatever is on the radio at the time. Another example of trying to fill pages is when her characters strain syllables way beyond their length, saying, "Yahoooooooooooooooo-oooooo-ooo-oo..." or, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwww-wwwww-www..." The character is quite clearly based on Dame Barbara Cartland.

Dame Sally's sketches include:

  • Trying to fill up pages in a romantic novel called The Lady in White. Dame Sally asks Miss Grace to type up all sorts of things that will take up space such as, "Then they went down to the shops for a bit, they didn't really see anything they liked" [...] "Then he turned into a carriage clock and that was fun for a bit" [...] "Then they came back home for a bit of a kiss and cuddle", etc. until it becomes evident that nothing will take up as many pages as she wants. She then stops production of the novel and asks to start another book, The Lady in Mauve: "Chapter 1, The End".
  • Playing the radio and asking her secretary to type word-for-word. For example, there is an afternoon soap opera and Dame Sally sifts through stations until she reaches one playing "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by 1980s band Wham!. "Jitterbug, Jitterbug... You put the boom-boom into my heart", at which point she lowers the volume and dictates, "said Lady Asquith".
  • Trying to fill a book by writing about two children on a toboggan and prolonging the certain syllables in "yippee!", "yahoo!" and "ow!".
  • After, yet again, not filling a book, she writes into the story the protagonist read the entire Bible. She subsequently falls asleep after asking Miss Grace to copy off a Bible on the shelf.

Dame Sally was either very creative in her day and published loads of successful romance novels but by now, her creativity has dried up, or she just never was creative at all. She loves characters with antiquated names, and all of her characters are seized with some sort of incredible passion. However, she is highly suspicious of her secretary Miss Grace, and frequently accuses her of stealing from her box of truffles ("I've got my eye on you"), even though it is Dame Sally herself who devours all the sweets. Whether she was talented or not might be unclear but Dame Sally is indeed rich as she a) Eats truffles, b) Has an aide and c) Has a gardener cut the hedges in her large garden into amusing shapes (a penis, a pair or breasts, a head with a finger up its nose, a hand giving the finger etc).Dame Sally occasionally holds a Bichon Frisé while she is telling stories.

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