User:Commander Cool/Commander Cool
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Commander Cool is described by some as a "madman." He is described by others as a "beautiful example of what is best about humanity." He tends to prefer to latter to the former, for reasons he won't elaborate on.
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[edit] Commander Cool
The world has been waiting for the one...the only...commander cool. Unlike his father, Admiral Awesome, his superlative name actually describes his personality (his uncle's superlative name also describes his personality; unfortunately, his name is Deck Seargent Dick). It is widely rumored that the good Commander is the most popular man in America; these rumors, however, are unfounded. Don't get me wrong--they're all correct--but they're just unfounded.
[edit] The Good Commander with regards to Women
For years, people have pondered over one question. Philosophers, authors, religious clerics, and even daytime talkshow hosts (you know who you are) have all contemplated on this one issue. And that issue, called by Larry King (or at least a pretty good impersonater of Larry King) "The greatest question this side of the 15th Century," is this...
Exactly how many women the world 'round are thoroughly entranced by the magical manliness that is Commander Cool?
While the answer has never before been published (leading to many great debates, arguments, fisticuffs, and, in more than one case, insane soccer-type riots), rumors abound. One? Two? 3.824 Billion?
But finally, the answer shall be put to rest.
THE ANSWER: The number of women the world 'round who are in love (and in lust) with Commander Cool is...all of them.
Yes, you heard it here first. All of 'em. From the little'uns to the old fogeys, from the hot ones to the pure fugly ones, from the skinny ones to Kirstie Alley, they all love him. Luckily for the good Commander, though, most of the "undesirables" know well enough to keep at least a thirty-four meter safety distance (but a few slip closer than this--ugh...).
[edit] The Good Commander with regards to Todd Michael Schwartzman
As roughly the third most cool person alive today (behind Elvis Presley and some guy from Indiana named Tom)it would only make sense for our dear friend Commander Cool to associate with others vaguely as cool as himself; from hence comes Todd Michael Schwartzman.
Having been blessed with the good fortune to dwell near the good commander, Todd has since been bestowed a Wikipedia article for his achievements in his particular (and, if it were any other person, somewhat fruity) fields of interest. Congrats, Todd, you're mentioned yet again. Now act like a MAN, for crying out loud! Just kidding.
But seriously. Let up on the cologne boy.
[edit] Wrapping Up
I know we could all talk about Commander Cool until our tongues swell, burst into flame, and explode in large gobs of fleshy shrapnel, but I'm afraid this short article will have to suffice.
But wait! Don't shed tears yet! Perhaps, one day, Commander Cool himself (which is me, my children) will return and write more of his amazing feats, tales, adventures, and....uh....self-descriptions.
If you just simply can't wait, and you must must MUST have more of everyone's favorite Commander, just check out his user page for more hijinks and hilarity. And don't be afraid to send him comments. Also, check out the sandbox from time to time--he likes to make his mark in there every now and again (by this I mean the Wikipedia sandbox, not the nearby elementary school's sandbox; though he does "make his mark" in there too, it's in a different, far more urinary way).
[edit] Commander Cool's TRIUMPHANT RETURN!!
Angels sang out in immaculate chorus as Commander Cool, after a several-month-long hiatus in Asia and Western Africa, returns to the wacky wacky world of Wiki--this time under the incarnation Commander Cool, part deux! Yes, the old Senor Cool is back, baby, in deux form!
(And...uh...if you're wondering about the whole "Asia and Western Africa" thing...Commander Cool may or may not have actually spent said time entirely in the United States of America, and just didn't remember his old password or email address).
