Colemanballs

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Colemanballs is a term coined by Private Eye magazine to describe gaffes perpetrated by (usually British) sports commentators.[1] It is derived from the surname of the now retired BBC broadcaster David Coleman and the suffix -balls, as in "to balls up",[1][2] and has since spawned derivative terms in unrelated fields such as "Warballs" (spurious references to the September 11, 2001 attacks) and "Dianaballs" (sentimental references to Diana, Princess of Wales). Any other subject can be covered, as long as it is appropriately suffixed by -balls.[1] The all-encompassing term "mediaballs" has since been used by Private Eye as their coverage of gaffes has expanded.[3]

Colemanballs books, as published by Private Eye magazine between 1982 and 2004.
Colemanballs books, as published by Private Eye magazine between 1982 and 2004.

Contents

[edit] Background

Coleman's association with these verbal slips is so strong that he is often given erroneous credit for the earliest example specifically referenced as a Colemanball;[1] in fact the broadcaster responsible was fellow BBC commentator Ron Pickering.[4][5] At the 1976 Summer Olympics in Montreal he commentated on a race involving Cuban double-gold medallist Alberto Juantorena, whose muscular build and nine-foot stride contributed to his nickname El Caballo (the horse).[6] Pickering said "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."[4]

Another regular contributor to the section until his retirement was motor racing commentator Murray Walker. His excitable delivery led to so many mistakes that they began to be labelled "Murrayisms".[1] Examples include "We've had cars going off left, right and centre", "do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough?", and "with half of the race gone, there is half of the race still to go." However, only Walker himself could utter a Murrayism, while Colemanballs remained the more generic term attributable to any commentator.

Private Eye's Colemanballs column has now expanded to include occasional quotes from sportsmen themselves (e.g. Frank Bruno's "That's cricket, Harry, you get these sort of things in boxing."), politicians (John Major's "When your back's against the wall it's time to turn round and fight."), and the malapropisms of other public figures.

[edit] Notable Colemanballs

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[edit] Double entendres

  • "He [Diawarea] brings out an extra six to twelve inches and it's a fantastic tackle." (Scott Minto, BBC)
  • "If he opens his legs, he'll be hard to handle." (Graham Taylor)
  • "Ardiles strokes the ball like it was a part of his anatomy." (Jimmy Magee, RTÉ)
  • "Neil Harvey, standing at leg slip with his legs wide apart, waiting for a tickle." (Brian Johnston, BBC)
  • "Botham struggled to get his leg over there." (Jonathan Agnew, BBC)
  • "Rutherford's asking the umpire how many balls he's got left... he's got two." (Bryan Waddle, Radio New Zealand)
  • "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." (Pat Glenn, Weightlifting Commentator)
  • "I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs..." (Andy Gray, Sky Sports)
  • "The Czech Republic are coming from behind in more than one way now." (John Motson, BBC in 27th minute of World Cup 2006 game against Italy.)
  • "And Michael Schumacher just stood on his seat and pulled out something special." (Martin Brundle, ITV)
  • "Gary Neville says that Porto are a bunch of girls who go down too easily." (Peter Schmeichel)
  • "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh)
  • "The bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey." (Brian Johnston, BBC Radio 4, Test Match Special)[7] (possibly apocryphal)[1][8]
  • "Arsene Wenger's lips are firmly sealed on Sir Alex Ferguson" Sky News
  • "Reverend John, who is living with an openly gay partner, is no doubt feeling rather sore today", Paul Handley, Radio 5 Live

[edit] Contradictions

  • "And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman, BBC)
  • "Don't tell those coming in the result of that fantastic match, but let's have another look at Italy's winning goal..." (David Coleman, BBC)
  • "What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio." (Gerry Francis)
  • "I was in Saint-Etienne two years ago. It's much the same as it is now, although now it's completely different." (Kevin Keegan, BBC)
  • "I imagine that the conditions in those cars are totally unimaginable." (Murray Walker, BBC and ITV)
  • "Mansell knows exactly where he (Ayrton Senna) is because he can see him in his earphones." (Murray Walker, BBC and ITV)
  • "The Baggio brothers, of course, are not related." (George Hamilton, RTÉ, referring to Roberto and Dino Baggio)
  • "The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes." (Steve Coppell, BBC Radio Five Live)
  • "Ralf Schumacher has been upstaged by the teenager Jenson Button, who is 20." (Murray Walker)
  • "For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip." (John Motson, BBC)
  • "He knows all about the Italian opposition, playing now in Turkey..." (John Motson, BBC)
  • "You need at least eight or nine men in a ten-man wall." (Mark Lawrenson, BBC)
  • "Billy Gilbert hit a kamikaze back pass which Justin Fashanu pounced on like a black Frank Bruno." (Ian Darke, BBC Radio. As most British people would know, Frank Bruno is black.)
  • "He's very quick for a man of his age. I suppose you'd call him ageless. He's 33 or 34." (David Pleat, ITV)
  • "I'm not going to drag it out or make a point, because points are pointless." (Simon Jordan BBC)
  • "He’ll have a pair of sharp and canny shoulders to listen to." (David Platt, BBC Radio 4)
  • "An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal." (Dave Bassett)
  • "Well Clive, it's all about the two 'M's - movement and positioning." (Ron Atkinson, ITV)
  • "Neil Baker is standing on the touchline with his hands in his tracksuit bottoms scratching his head." (Chris Kamara, Sky Sports)
  • "I'll be back in just 15 minutes in an hour's time" Kirsty Young, Channel 5
  • "Obviously it would be tough playing up in the Premiership next season, but I wouldn't lose any sleepless nights." (Alan Pardew, ITV)
Rob McLean: John Hartson is playing superbly today.
Sandy Clark: Yes, Rob, there's no one better today.
Rob McLean: So, Sandy, who is your man of the match?
Sandy Clark: Alan Thompson
  • "Matches don't come any bigger than FA Cup quarter-finals" (Neil Warnock, Radio 5 Live)
  • "You won't win silver medals at the Olympic Games unless you're the very very best." Brendan Foster, BBC1
  • "As soon as Lee Trundle scored that early goal for Swansea you always knew this wasn't going to be a nil-nil draw." Matt Jones, Sky Sports
  • "I hope it will encourage people to speak out against what they believe in."
  • "The scoreline didn't reflect the result...." (Marcus Buckland, Sky)
  • "If they are aware of it, they'll be oblivious of it." David Pleat, Radio 5 Live
  • "Fourth spot is what we're aiming for... we don't want to be second best." Phil Neville, Sky Sports
  • "Keith Gillespie just lacks a bit of inconsistency" (Graeme Le Saux, BBC)
  • "This isn’t a rational decision – I’ve been thinking about it for quite a while" – (Ronnie O’Sullivan, BBC)

[edit] Hyperbole

[edit] Religion

  • "The Saudis would struggle in Europe because of that problem with those prayers five times a day. You don't know if they're going to turn up for training. I'm being serious." (Don Howe)

[edit] Freudian slips

  • "I'm sorry to report that there seems to be trouble in the far-right section of the ground..." (Freudian slip, Conor McNamara, BBC Five Live)
  • "Some of our customers find it very daunting coming to a weight loss advisory meeting. For some of them, it's difficult to even get through the door." Weightwatchers spokesman, Radio 4

[edit] When is a draw not a draw?

[edit] Mixed metaphors

  • "Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them." (Malcolm Macdonald)
  • "Real Madrid are like a rabbit in the glare of the headlights in the face of Manchester United's attacks. But this rabbit comes with a suit of armour in the shape of two precious away goals." (George Hamilton, RTÉ)
  • "And Cristiano Ronaldo has hit the ball with every inch of his body weight!" (Alan Dark)
  • "I think the big guns will come to the boil." (Jimmy Armfield, BBC Radio Five Live, World Cup 2006)
  • "And the Bulgarians are doing all they can here to waste every last inch of time in this game." (Colin MacNamara)
  • "That's another nail in his afternoon." (Mark Blundell)
  • "They've tasted the other side of the coin on so many occasions." (Andy Townsend)

[edit] Stating the obvious

  • "It's a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs." (David Coleman, BBC)
  • "If the ball had crossed the line, it would have been a goal..." (David Coleman, BBC)
  • "And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out." (Dave Bassett)
  • "With half the race gone, there is half of the race still to go" (Murray Walker)
  • "A deflection - that's what changed the course of the ball." (Jim Beglin, ITV, 2006 World Cup)
  • "There's a real international flavour to this World Cup." (Jimmy Armfield, BBC Radio Five Live, 2006)
  • "It's raining very hard now and the players are getting wet." (Keith Quinn, Television New Zealand)
  • "The man (Alex Ferguson) is United. Cut him and he will bleed red." (Alan Brazil)
  • "I think the batsman's strategy will be to make runs and not get out." (Richie Benaud, Channel 9 Australia)
  • "Once someone hits that puck it's going to keep going until it stops."

and

  • "The key to winning a hockey game is to score more goals than your opponent." Paul Steigerwald, Pittsburgh Penguins Announcer
  • "All the speculation surrounding me is just speculation" (Alan Curbishley, BBC)
  • "Jagielka is related to his younger brother at Sheffield United, Phil." (Kevin Keatings, Radio 5 Live)

[edit] Tongue-tied

  • "Owen runs like rabbit chasing after... What do rabbits run after? They run after nothing! Well, running after other rabbits." (Tom Tyrell)
  • "Oh dear, his right leg collided with himself there." (Mark Bright)
  • "Ian Pearce... has limped off with what looks like a shoulder injury." (Tony Cottee)
  • "Although we are playing Russian Roulette we are obviously playing Catch 22 at the moment and it's a difficult scenario to get my head round." (Paul Sturrock)
  • "We have to roll up our sleeves and get our knees dirty..." Howard Wilkinson, Radio 5 Live
  • "He's not the sharpest sandwich in the picnic" Tony Cascarino, Talksport Radio
  • "He's a good goalkeeper, keeps his feet on the ground." Mark Lawrenson, Football Focus
  • "I've been asked that question for the last six months. It is not fair to expect me to make such a fast decision on something that has been put upon me like that." Terry Venables

[edit] Mumbo Jumbo

  • "We can't live in the past - we can only live in the future." Glenn Roeder
  • "If blood is thicker than water, it must also be thicker than a calendar or a small clock." Esther Ranzen
  • "I didn't see the point of hiding a bushel under a carpet..." Mel B

[edit] Too soon

  • "And Bonner has gone 165 minutes of these championships without conceding a goal. Oh danger here..." (George Hamilton, RTE)
  • "Only one team could win this match from here, and that's England." (Kevin Keegan, moments before Romania scored the equalising goal, eventually going on to win.)
  • "Will he score here? Yes." (Kevin Keegan, as David Batty began his run-up to the penalty he missed, eliminating England from the 1998 FIFA World Cup)
  • "You won't win anything with kids." (Alan Hansen on Manchester United's young side from the 1995-96 season's opening day defeat. United went on to win the Premiership and FA Cup double that season)

[edit] Books

Private Eye has issued compilations of Colemanballs in book form

[edit] Footnotes

  1. ^ a b c d e f "TV and Radio Sport's Howlers", BBC.co.uk, December 16, 2005
  2. ^ Definition of "balls up" at FreeDictionary.com
  3. ^ Hislop, Ian (2003). "Mediaballs". Private Eye Productions Ltd, 96pp. ISBN 978-1901784336. 
  4. ^ a b "Olympic Games: Days of abandon and the one grim day they did abandon", Barry Davies, Independent on Sunday, August 8, 2004
  5. ^ "Coleman retires without a word: it's probably safer that way", Brian Viner, The Independent, December 15, 2000
  6. ^ "IOC Profile - Alberto Juantorena", Olympic.org
  7. ^ "A breeze for Blowers", Dan Warren, BBC Sport, January 16, 2003
  8. ^ "Just the job for a Very Nice Person", Simon Hoggart, The Guardian, March 25, 2006

[edit] See also

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