Codependence

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Codependence (or codependency) is a popular psychology concept popularized by Twelve-Step program advocates. A "codependent" is loosely defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for persons who depend on him or her.

[edit] Symptoms

Symptoms of codependence are controlling behavior, distrust, perfectionism, avoidance of feelings, problems with intimacy, excessive caretaking, hypervigilance or physical illness related to stress. Codependence is often accompanied by depression, as the codependent person succumbs to feelings of frustration or sadness over his or her inability to improve the situation.

Codependence can also be a set of maladaptive, compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress caused, for example, by a family member's alcoholism or other addiction, sexual or other abuse within the family, a family members' chronic illness, or forces external to the family, such as poverty.

Codependency advocates claim that a codependent may feel shame about, or try to change, his or her most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with those of another person. An example would be a wife making excuses for her husband's excessive drinking and perhaps running interference for him by calling in sick for him when he is hung over. Such behaviors, which may well lessen conflict and ease tension within the family in the short term, are counterproductive in the long term, since, in this case, the wife is actually supporting ("enabling") the husband's drinking behavior. So, sometimes, the codependent is referred to as an "enabler." It is also worth noting that since the wife in this case is dependent on the husband's alcoholic behavior, she may actually feel disturbed, disoriented or threatened if she sees clearly that he is emerging from his dependence; the threat to her position as a confidante and needed loved one might lead her unconsciously to resist the husband's steps towards recovery. Similarly, a codependent parent might resist his or her child's steps toward independence.

Codependent people have a greater tendency to enter into relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable or needy. The codependent tries to control a relationship without directly identifying and addressing his or her own needs and desires. This invariably means that codependents set themselves up for continued unfulfillment. Codependents always feel that they are acting in another person's best interest, making it difficult for them to see the controlling nature of their own behavior.

[edit] Treatment

This section may stray from the topic of the article into the topic of another article, Stephen Covey. Please help improve this section or discuss this issue on the talk page. (help)

This article or section reads like a personal reflection or essay and may require cleanup. Please improve this article by rewriting this article or section in an encyclopedic style. (documentation, talk)

Individuals who are suffering from codependence may seek assistance through various verbal therapies, sometimes accompanied by chemical therapy for accompanying depression.

In addition, there exist support groups for codependency; some of these are Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) and Al-Anon/Alateen, Celebrate Recovery, and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA), which are based on the 12-Step model of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Many books have been written on the subject of codependence. Melody Beattie was one of the first to describe such behaviors. She is the author of Codependent No More among many other volumes.

Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly-Effective People, addresses the process of going from dependency to independence to interdependency. His book The 7 Habits of Highly-Effective Families is a more refined version of his original book. His recent publication of The 8th Habit mentions the problem of organizations incorporating codependency into their culture and that patterns of codependency protect the codependency from being recognized by the dependents.

In his book, Covey, helps readers see how to focus on the things they can change rather than wasting energy on things that they cannot. He stresses the importance of first creating a secure foundation for relationships by recognizing dependency patterns within oneself and making internal changes. Then they will have a clearer view of how to work in positive ways to improve their environment, help others, work with others, and deal with inherited or conditioned problems. He states that our freedom lies in how we choose to respond to our circumstances. By using memory, imagination, and choice, we can alter our patterns of living to better ones. He stresses being proactive rather than reactive to our environment, and becoming part of the solution that is within our influence. Learning to listen to others and truely valuing them and their experiences depends on internal security to consider that their views may add to ones own to create a third and better view. If everyone were the same, we would have nothing to contribute to each other. We should learn to value our differences. Rather than compete for superiority in WIN/LOSE thinking, we should work toward a higher level of interdependency or WIN/WIN thinking by recognizing that others strengths do not diminish our own, and that by using others strengths to compliment our own, we can increase our capacity to reach common goals. This is called synergy.

(Some of the following information is derived from Covey, but may include more than his teachings or views.) Leaving a codependent relationship does not mean to abandon the relationship, although it may be necessary for progress or ones safety. It is abandoning the codependency patterns of living that prevent growth in the individuals and having fulfilling relationships. Doing this changes the "rules" followed in the relationship and may appear to the other person that the relationship is failing and they will be abandoned. This fear may create resistance to positive efforts by the other person to abandon codependency. The codependent person has a difficult time distinguishing themselves from the dependent behavior they offer to the relationship. When it is no longer valued, they may feel they have no more value to the other person. This may be because they feel they are not worthy of a true relationship where they have no control on the other persons need for them. Their emotional needs are at stake. If the person attempting to abandon codependency wants to maintain the relationship with the other person, it is vital to communicate that they are not leaving the relationship, but that they value the person independent of what they have to offer. The value or love for the person is not based on their ability to do something to fulfill other's needs. What they are giving might be appreciated at times, but it might not be if it is imposed upon another at other times. When it is imposed, it is taking away freedom from the other. The other can identify the behavior and kindly let the person know of their true feelings, with the understanding that they are valued independent of their unwanted "gift" and that rejecting the "gift", is not rejecting them, but a way to say they are gift enough. The person may not be able to separate the gift from themselves, so it is important to not condemn the gift as a manipulation to control, but to emphasize the positive.

Having feelings of love or caring for another can be unconditional. Seeing the potential in others and desiring to help them progress at their own pace is healthy for the relationship. People have will find fulfillment in leading that does not compromise who they truely are. Counseling may be helpful if the person does not expect the counselor to fix them. Going to counseling may create dependency if the person sees going to counseling sessions as trying, and they rely on the emotion support of the counselor rather than taking responsibility for their own emotional health and make needed changes to create their own inner strength.

[edit] Controversy

Not all mental health professionals agree about codependence or its standard methods of treatment. It is not listed in the DSM-IV-TR diagnostic manual. Stan Katz & Liu, in "The Codependency Conspiracy: How to Break the Recovery Habit and Take Charge of Your Life," feel that codependence is over-diagnosed, and that many people who could be helped with shorter-term treatments instead become dependent on long-term self-help programs.

Also worth noting is that there is a belief by some that Codependency is not a negative, and doesn't need to be treated, as it is simply a personality trait.

[edit] References

• 'A Brief History of Codependence and a Look at the Psychological Literature', in: P. Mellody e.a., Facing Codependence, New York etc.: HarperSanFrancisco, 1989, ISBN 0-06-250589-0, 207-217 (= Appendix).
• 'Cluster C Personality Disorders', in: Diagnostical and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders DSM-IV, Washington: American Psychiatric Association, 4th ed. 1994, ISBN 0-89042-062-9, 662-673.
• 'Codependence', in: Benjamin J. Sadock & Virginia A. Sadock (eds), Kaplan & Sadock's Comprehensive Textbook of Psychiatry on CD, Philadelphia: Lippincott Williams & Wilkins, 7th ed. 2000, ISBN 0-7817-2141-5, 20703-20707.
• Co-Dependents Anonymous, Phoenix: Co-Dependents Anonymous, 1st ed. 1999, ISBN 0-9647105-0-1, 3-6.

[edit] See also

• Dependent personality disorder
• Karpman Drama Triangle
• Dysfunctional family
• Adult Children of Alcoholics
• Al-Anon/Alateen

[edit] External links

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence from CoDA.org