User:Clapaucius/bio

[edit] Bio

It all starts in 1999. Back then, I was an anthropomorphic sandwich, scheduled to work as a main character on the upcoming series, Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Unfortunately, I was dropped for reasons of marketability, as apparently, "Three's company, four's a crowd." Now really, what the fuck is that?

Anyways, while living off of my studio severance fee, I travelled to Rhode Island to visit my Italian family at Mama's Deli. Sadly, I arrived on site just as filming was happening for the show, "America's Little Italys," and was forced to witness my whole family eaten by the gluttonous, slobbering Chef Mario Batali. I barely survived, as Batali's grasping hands, slippery with the grease of my Mother's Prosciutto di Parma, slipped across my roll, allowing me to escape.

After what I had witnessed, I was despondent. I wandered the countryside, dodging hungry hobos, stray dogs, and crafty raccoons. I started drinking heavily, and soon I was a pickled ham sandwich, unable to hang out in bars anymore, for the hungry hands of rummies and reprobates gave me no peace. I soon got into drugs, and smoked my cured meats to dryness.

My salvation came in the form of a man. He replaced my ham with new ham, remoistened my roll, groomed my cheese, and gave me new lettuce. Then, he made me immortal - he glazed me.

Beautiful and inedible, I began my new life as a display sandwich in a glitzy Manhattan deli. The lunch crowd was all Wall Street, so I listened in to the conversations every day, my nervous pickle fingers fluttering across my laptop, buying and selling the stock tips I overheard.

Soon, my portfolio, laced with nonstop winners, attracted the attention of the SEC, and they began to build a case. After a year of investigation into my parent holding company, they discovered that it was controlled by an anthropomorphic sandwich in a Manhattan deli display case. This instantly brought the SEC against a jurisdictional roadblock, as the FDA sought to take over the whole case and turn it into a budget grabbing issue - "Food Item Perpetrators and the 21st Century" was the name of their initial report, I think.

In the interagency scuffle, the SEC pulled a black op and had me kidnapped by certain choice Nicaraguan expatriates, associates of the CIA, who took me to Canada and had me smoked overnight by Native Americans until I turned brown. On my return the next day, the Department of Homeland Security had me arrested and taken to Guantanamo Bay, where I was forced to play in a volleyball tournament and take Carribbean dance classes while drinking triple Pina Coladas with my cellmate (and best pal) Michael "Ahmed" Jones, an unlisted enemy combatant from Long Island. While windsurfing off the Cuban coast, we made our move, and escaped to Fidel Castro's Cuba.

It was in Cuba that Michael informed me that he was a woman, and we made sweet love. Afterwards, I fell asleep in my newfound woman's arms, nestling myself in her bosoms, and her beard.

When I awoke the next day, she was gone, but I had been transformed. I was now a man, only smelling like an old sandwich. I suddenly realized that I had a mission in life. Months later, I found myself in Canada - unemployed, shirtless, greasy, and living off of credit cards.

Mission Accomplished.

[edit] Picture

Here's a picture of me...

Actually, that is just the container ship I use to transport my penis. All aboard!