User:Chris Santacroce
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[edit] Chris Santacroce
Chris Santacroce is the greatest human being that has ever existed. He is also the second Greatest Living Creature (including plants, single-celled organisms, etc.) ever to exist (The title of Greatest Living Creature goes to a bear that lived in the early 1800s. Goddamn was that bear awesome). He was a martyr (except he's still alive because he's so damn awesome) to mankind in that he decided to take all awesomeness in the world into his body so that it would not cause the world to explode. His achievements are many and everlasting, yet historians have taken his name out of the annals of history because they wish to contain his glory. In short, Chris is the man.
[edit] Birth and Early Life
Chris was born in a most unusual way. One day, on what is now the day of April 12th, in the year 546 B.C., God decided to have a no-holds-barred brawl against a pack of giant, super-powered velociraptors. During the fight, one raptor managed to bite God's arm, causing him to bleed one drop of blood that fell all the way to Earth, where it landed on semen left behind by Kratos where it congealed into a glob of pure awesomeness. Two days later, on April 14th, that glob formed into Chris as we know him today. After creating a pair of jeans and the infamous duck shirt out nothingness, Chris set out to do whatever the hell he wanted. Among the achievements during his days past include:
- building the Great Wall of China single-handedly
- conquering most of Asia, Africa and Europe under the psuedonym Alexander the Great
- building Rome in a day (without even trying)
- inventing anything that was ever worth inventing, but out of the kindness of his heart let others take the credit
- punching Hitler so hard in the balls that he went from a bass to a soprano
- first person to sail around the world using only a rubber band, a Bowie Knife , and his own friggin' chest hair (Suck on that, McGyver!)
These are only a few of his accomplishments; Chris was too modest to list them all, bless his heart.
[edit] Education and Works
Chris invented knowledge and the act of knowing things. For real, don't even question this. He is so goddamn awesome. Besides knowing anything there is to know, Chris also invented everything that was ever invented so that he could pass down his knowledge to those unfortunate enough to not be Chris (you poor, poor souls). He invented the wheel, fire, the computer, cold fusion (which he has yet to release to anyone), the concept of being awesome, gravity, the pulley, air and water, etc., etc.
[edit] Life and Times
Metal
Chris long ago decided that the greatest music, the very music of the gods, is to be METAL!! Anyone who listens to metal will get Chris's personal Seal of Approval upon proof of their "metal-tude". Those who do not listen to metal, Chris weeps for, as they clearly have something wrong with them. For shame, non-metalers, for shame. For newcomers to the awesomeness of metal, Chris recommends they listen to the greatness of Metallica, Megadeth, Anthrax, Iron Maiden, Yngwie Malmsteen, Pantera, Judas Priest, Helloween, Dio, Black Sabbath, and Rainbow. Those are some of the more popular metal bands, and are great for starters, however Chris always encourages you dumbasses to expand your metal knowledge. For real.
(Chris also recognizes the fact that there are many awesome bands that are not metal, but he has already forgiven these bands due to their own brand of awesomeness)
Chris's Apostles
COMING SOON!
[edit] Trivia
- Chris is actually 7'6" but crouches down to make others less jealous
- Chris is known for menstrating every ten minutes, which is the source of his amazing powers. (I think I'll leave this non user-added "fact"...mainly to display the stupidity of the idiots that try to insult me. Its menstruate you fucking retard, not "menstrate". That wasn't a typo either. Dumbass.)
- The cause of many animal species extinctions (including the Dodo bird, the Aurochs, the Quagga, the Tasmanian Tiger, and spendthrift Jews) and even one plant species extinction (hymenaea protera) were due to the fact that one of the species made eye contact with Chris while he was annoyed which caused all of that species to die. Or in the plant's case, Chris peed on it once.
- You know the Yellow River in China? Yea, well Chris once had to take a wicked piss....and he read a delightful article about it. Did you know that its the 2nd longest river in China and also the most sediment-laden in the world and when the sediments deposit into the lower reaches of the river it elevates the river bed creating the world famous "above-ground river". Interesting, huh?....What? Who said this was only trivia about Chris?
-The real reason Chris gives out all his inventions for others to take credit? A damn gypsy. That's why. Let's leave it at that, no need for elaboration. Shhh...he'll kill us all if he reads that!-Ed.
- Chris ejaculated the Pacific Ocean.
- Chris has a friend called Mandeep "The Man" Singh who will rule this world along with Chris.
[edit] FAQ
Ramy asks...Did Chris ever go to another galaxy?
A: Dude, Chris invented galaxies.
Miguel asks...Does Chris have a "posse" of "OG's" who are not as awesome as Chris, but as close as anyone could come to being as awesome as Chris?
A: Yes, yes he does. They are his apostles. Fun Fact: Jesus got his idea for having apostles from Chris. One day, when Jesus was a wee lad skipping down the road and whistling Sympathy for the Devil he witnessed Chris kicking some douchebag's ass for trying to scam him out of some money...or possibly just because Chris felt like kicking some ass. Anyway, as he did it, his apostles cheered him on and Jesus thought having a group like that would be great so he asked his dad, God, whether or not this would be a good idea. God said "Yea, and unto you I shall impart the knowledge that anything that teh great and powerful Chris ever does is okely-dokely a-ok with me." So Jesus had his apostles, all thanks to Chris. Chris owns.For real.
Marek Wosh asks...I noticed that you are pretty great, but I haven't noticed you using your greatness to help others. Tell me, have you ever saved someone's life?
A: Saved someone's life? If you read the introduction you would have noticed that Chris saved everyone's life when he absorbed all the awesomeness in the world into his body so it wouldn't destroy the planet. You need more than that? My God, Chris should kick your face inside out. But, if you need more specific examples, then go fornicate yourself with a hot poker you dumb cocktwat.
Jonathan asks... Why do you forget to mention me as your arch nemesis?
A: Because you aren't...dumbass.
Joe asks...Why have you decided to share your "knowledge" about your awesomeness and not keep it to yourself for infinite gloating?
A: Because inward gloating is for pussies. You calling Chris a pussy? YOU WANNA DIE MOTHERFUCKER?!
Chelsea asks...Will is Christopher Santacroce?
A: Finally, a coherent question.Um...He wants to be...the greatest Messiah...of awesomeness.
Sartaj: I am homo, I swear, I love it in the butt :)
A: Cool?
The CF asks...Do you always talk in the third-person? Second, how will Chris crush his enemies?
A: Yes. One question per person dumbass.
Adnan asks...I heard that when the almighty Chris gets into fights that he likes to skullfuck his enemies into submission (just as I do). Is this true? Because if it is we need to make an alliance at once.
A: It is true, Chris does indeed skullfuck his enemies in fights when he has to. The advantage of the skullfuck is that it is both painful and degrading to the victim. However, Chris cannot form an alliance with people below his station. Too bad, bitch.
Frank asks... Can I give it to Sartaj up the butt?
A: Uh...sure...if you want. He seems like he'd be into it.
Mandeep asks... How did it feel when they made God Of War I and II on your story as Kratos?
[edit] Further Reading
User: Nick Santacroce- Nick, the brother of Chris. Read the page. Now.
