User:Chris Parker
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 Chris Parker in a rare moment of leisure. |
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Chris Parker is a real-life Bon Air superhero. Born from Vernon and Susan parker on October 10, 1987, he first manifested his powers during middle school.
Contents |
[edit] Biography
[edit] Origin
When Chris was a boy growing up in Richmond, Virginia, United States, he was known for his ability to rip colossal bs without flinching. Neighborhood kids would routinely follow him as he left his home, hoping to catch a glimpse of this power. Not much else is known about Chris's early days, other than his penchant for little league baseball and loose women.
[edit] High School
Upon entering the Maggie L. Walker Governor's School, Chris almost immediately developed a reputation as a serious thinker, routinely spending mornings huddled in a hallway corner, contemplating the day's events. He did not immediately manifest his powers of b-rippage, for fears of ostracism by his classmates. In 2003, Chris revealed his love of bs to
his Global Studies classmates, to a surprisingly warm reaction. Apparently, his female teacher also appreciated bs, as she was, in fact, a fan of Beck.
Over the next several years, he maintained an above-average GPA while frequently being a member of various sports teams, despite his natural lack of talent for either volleyball or baseball. Recent speculation has suggested that he merely played on the teams to appeal to the girls of his school, who were known to be susceptible to young men with sports credentials and sufficient D-Force.
Sometime in early 2004, Chris was exposed to the video game Halo for the first time. Legend has it that upon playing the game, he quickly remarked, "This is gay." Upon playing further, however, Chris developed some talent, and within weeks was successfully able to turn down the suck just enough to not let down the team. He and companion Dave Brown, under the monikers 'LaDouche' and 'Magna', respectively, routinely competed against professional Halo players over XBConnect, usually losing by a large margin.
At some point in 2004, Chris decided on a new nickname: Thunderballs.
[edit] The Deuce
In November of 2004, Halo 2 was released to the public. Chris was once again invited over to a friend's house to try out the sequel to the game he loved so much. Again, upon playing the sequel, Chris remarked, "This is gay."
Fortunately, the feeling wore off as he became more familiar with the game. At one point, he refused to call the game by its proper name, instead referring to it as 'The Deuce.'
[edit] Team Elements
Chris purchased an Xbox in 2005 along with Halo 2. After getting a Live account, he was finally able to play the Deuce online with his hetero companion Dave Brown, under the name StickiestIcky. The two of them soon joined up with classmates Connor Broaddus and Jon Wergin to form Team Elements, a Halo 2 clan. The Elements were wildly successful in their first few months of competitive play, mainly due to teammate Dave's uncanny ability to pwn n00bs. Chris was an integral member of the team, often cleaning up and claiming sloppy seconds in the post-game carnage reports. Team Elements hit some rough patches during the middle of 2005, after suffering from some key chokes on the part of Connor Broaddus. One particular event, known only as the Choke on Colossus, left the team scattered and demoralized. They have since reconciled but no plans for a reunion are in the works.
[edit] Double Team
After the Choke on Colossus, Chris temporarily took a break from the deuce to pursue other opportunities, among them spreading out the D-Force to as many willing ladies as he could find. However, soon a two-on-two playlist was released onto the Xbox Live matchmaking service. Chris picked this moment to return to the Deuce after a short hiatus. Teaming up with Dave Brown, they proceeded to lay waste to the playlist, racking up over 15 consecutive victories. After reaching this milestone, Dave Brown decided to retire from Double Team undefeated. Chris attempted to reclaim the magic with various randomly-paired teammates, but after a few crushing defeats, he too left the playlist, and Xbox Live, for good.
[edit] The Meat Elite
Now free of Halo 2, Chris carried on with his social life, having mild successes and scoring numerous teabaggings of female acquaintances. During his senior year in high school, Chris, Connor, and Dave decided to meet up for a barbeque. While no Halo 2 was played there, various meats of varying textures and qualities were cooked and eaten to excess.
Sweaty, clammy, and full of meat, Chris decided that this was good. After a short deliberation, the three decided to continue their meat conquests at occasional barbeques.
Only after another classmate attempted to organize a feminine, homosexual version of a meat club, was a name for the clandestine alliance determined. Originally chartered as a "Guerrilla meat organization," The Meat Elite was formed to relatively little fanfare. Soon the Meat Elite adopted Jon Wergin into their ranks, establishing almost a second dynasty for the original Team Elements. In recent months, more and more members have been accepted into the Meat Elite as the organization has grown in popularity and prosperity. However, a definite, if unofficial, ranking system is in place, if only to offer Chris, Dave, and Connor a way to shit on recent members.
[edit] Ultimate Frisbee
Chris began playing Ultimate Frisbee during lunch of his junior year in high school. Known as a solid player, he was regularly found on the field opposite Sami Aboulhosn, tossing discs. While his Meat Elite comrade Dave Brown found the sport to be "gay and distasteful," Chris continued to play it, even as the sport skyrocketed in school popularity. Currently
Chris plays on an Ultimate Frisbee team, having weekly games. He is a current member of the MLWGS Ultimate team, despite the school not officially having an Ultimate team.
[edit] Powers and abilities
Chris Parker has a number of special powers, of varying degrees of utility and impressiveness.
He is an expert b-ripper. Chris has been known to hit a bowl for at least 30 seconds at a time, but currently there is no upper limit to his ability to rip colossal bs. He is also capable of blasting bs no matter what the circumstance. Chris is not bound by social constraints, as rumor has it he lit up a b during his confirmation ceremony, much to the chagrin of the present clergy and his family members.
Chris also has the ability to eat an almost unlimited amount of crunchwraps. After deeming them to be "so bum," he is currently able to eat as many as he can afford to buy at one sitting. It is not currently known whether this is an effect limited to crunchwraps, or if he can eat an unlimited amount of anything he declares to be "so bum."
Chris allegedly sports a pair of gargantuan testicles, although this claim has yet to be substantiated by sports teammates or recent girlfriends. Rumor has it that Michelle Wagner broke off her relationship with Chris after having her nose and cheekbones broken by a stray swing of his testicles, although this would contradict the popularly-held belief that no female has survived direct facial contact with said balls.
Chris can apparently dole out the D-Force to any female of his choosing, although this is hearsay, as another one of his abilities is to exaggerate his accomplishments.
Chris can turn any vehicle into a "Drive-Up B Service", regardless of the vehicles make or model. How he accomplishes this feat is unknown.
[edit] Skills
Chris is an expert Halo and Halo 2 player, meaning that he in fact knows how to play both games, but is by no means considered "all that good" by most of the competitive Halo community.
A recently developed skill and rumored offshoot of his power of b-ripping, is his ability to assemble bs out of almost any set of materials. He is sometimes referred to as the McGuyver of Bs.
Chris has modest martial arts training as a result of having grown up in Bon Air. He can drive stickshift, and can also quote obscure rap songs at will.
