Bullshot Crummond

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This article is about a play. For other meanings, see Bullshot (disambiguation).

A stage play parodying the British pulp hero Bulldog Drummond, Bullshot Crummond was written by Ron House, Diz White, John Neville-Andrews, Alan Shearman, and Derek Cunningham. It was later made into a 1983 film, Bullshot.

The play concerns a pre-WWII plot by the dastardly Count Otto Von Brunno and his ambiguous relation Lenya Von Brunno to ruin the international diamond market; working contrary to them are the main characters of Hugh "Bullshot" Crummond, and Rosemary Fenton. The play's humor comes largely from both its parody of the Bulldog Drummond novels and films, and audacious but ultimately (and deliberately) doomed efforts at recreating film effects on a live stage venue. Not only that, but the show is designed to be performed by only five actors; four main characters, and a single tormented soul who serves as nearly every other part in the entire show.

[edit] Act One

The play opens with a facsimile of a German aircraft being dangled just to the fore of the curtain, with a spotlight on it. The Von Brunnos argue from offstage, then parachute from their stricken aircraft (that is, two plastic dolls are tossed from behind the curtain). There is a blackout, then Lenya Von Brunno is revealed onstage, covered by a parachute. They have landed near the British town of Tunbridge Wells, and plan to kidnap the famous Professor Rupert Fenton, who lives close by. The Professor soon enters, looking for them, and is kidnapped. In the same scene, the time shifts to early morning, and Algy Longwort, a friend of "Bullshot" Crummond, enters impatiently. The two converse, and Crummond spies a suspicious blade of grass out from the thousands apparently in evidence. It's smudge of airplane fuel leads him to notice the supposed footprints indicating a scuffle.

The next scene begins in Crummonds chambers at Mayfair. Reading a mysterious letter, he deduces that it is from the sister of a friend of his from the Great War, Ms. Rosemary Fenton. In the letter, she implores him to meet her at the Carlton Hotel, as she is in a terrible predicament. Shortly after, the lights are doused, and Crummond is wrestled to the ground by an inexplicable Chinese assassin, who makes off with the letter. Crummond rapidly chases the assassin offstage, but ends up dragging Algy Longwort back onstage. When this becomes apparent, Crummond rushes off again, and Algy proceeds to poor himself a large brandy.

Upon entering again, Hugh Crummond wrestles the drink away from Algy, stating that it has been drugged with curari, which is "an Oriental poison capable of clouding a white man's mind in seconds". This statement prompts Algy to withdraw from his pocket a long, Chinese hair braid. This appears to lead into a plot regarding the mysterious "Kwang Lee", however, nothing about this character ever becomes apparent. While the letter had been stolen, luckily, the tea spilled by the intruder had imprinted the text of the letter on a cloth napkin. The letter states that Rosemary Fenton's father had disappeared after a mysterious airplane crash, which matches a story in that morning's newspaper. The pair, Algy and Crummond, then deduce themselves that the entire business is a plot by the nefarious Otto Von Brunno.

In order to appropriately prepare for the inevitable confrontation, Crummond insists that Algy pretend to be Von Brunno, who he will engage in order to "rescue the girl", a chair placed under the "German intrigue", a table. This sets up a running gag in which Crummond repeatedly attempts to lean over backwards and grab a gun from someone who is not actually holding a gun. Having thusly mimed an encounter with the German villain, and then forcing Algy to imitate Rosemary to plan out his encounter at the Carlton, the scene ends with the pair wondering what Von Brunno is up to at that very moment.

Scene three then begins with Von Brunno attempting to make contact with a German U-boat to bring himself, Lenya, and Fenton to Germany. However, soon after having made contact, a British policeman pulls up outside of the Von Brunnos' hideout, Netherington Abbey. Upon entering, the policeman is startled by Von Brunno, and proceeds to warn the Count (whose accent and German mannerisms are heightened throughout this scene) that there might be German spies about, and that he should be careful. The police officer leaves, and Lenya enters with another running gag, Fritz the falcon, a poorly created bird that flaps it's wings when Lenya moves her arm. As she exits to feed Fritz, Fenton enters with a pistol, planning on making an escape. He is disarmed and beaten by the Von Brunnos. It is then revealed that the Professor has created a formula for the manufacture of diamonds, and that the German duo intends to use this formula to ruin the international diamond market.

It is established that not only have the Von Brunnos encountered Crummond before, but that Lenya has developed an attraction for him. It is for this reason that Otto will not allow her to attempt to kill Crummond, and decides instead to use a gangster from Chicago, Salvatore Scalicio; Scalicio is played by the same actor as Otto, in a quick change sequence that occurs behind a screen (and the only "doubling" of character not involving the always-busy "fifth actor"). This both pokes fun at the old film-splicing tactic, as Scalicio first "punches" Von Brunno, who then draws his luger and "shoots" Scalicio. Von Brunno then states that he has a plan for killing Crummond at the Carlton hotel.

The final scene of Act One opens in the Carlton hotel; a waiter welcomes Rosemary Fenton, and shortly after Crummond enters in disguise, dressed as "Sheik Abdul Bachrammon". After the initial confusion, Crummond becomes suspicious of the waiter. The continuing joke of this scene is that Crummond unduly suspects the waiter based on absolutely no evidence. However, when Otto enters (clad in a large false beard), and clubs the waiter unconscious in order to spy on Crummond, Bullshot mistakes him for an army buddy, Baldy Brigson. Otto then plants a microphone in the flowers on the table while Crummond and Rosemary dance, only to run out screaming when Crummond shouts into it; the waiter is left to receive the full brunt of Crummond's anger. He tortures the waiter for a while, then dashes out when he reveals that the "other waiter" was in fact a German.

Irate, Lenya enters and questions Otto, who decides to use the untested "Converse Force Field" to put an end to Crummond. Using his forgotten pipe as bait, Lenya perches provocatively on the table. Crummond enters, and is caught in the paralyzing grip of the Converse Force Field. A stick of dynamite is placed in his mouth, which will supposedly explode, as the first person to enter the room "will cause an Inverse Force Field, thus reversing the polarities, thus causing [the dynamite] to explode!" The Von Brunnos exit cackling, and Rosemary dashes in. The scene freezes, and the intermission begins.

[edit] Act Two

After the intermission, it is revealed that Crummond has not, in fact, died. Giving a ridiculously convoluted explanation as to how he survived, the pair soon dash off after the Germans.

The most obvious example of cinematic attempts at effects follows, as Otto and Lenya stand behind a large cut-out of a car. The see Crummond following them on the road, and a quick change takes place, leaving Rosemary and Crummond standing behind the exact same cutout. A chase ensues, with a number of rapid changes between car passengers, which ends when Crummond's car goes tumbling over the cliffs. The Von Brunnos, thinking their opposition dead, then return to Netherington Abbey.

Of course, the heroes have not perished, and are in fact perched precariously on an "oolitic limestone escarpment". Crummond manages to entice a wild carrier pigeon into his arms, Rosemary takes down a message, and it's sent off to Tunbridge Wells. However, the bird is intercepted by Fritz, and the Von Brunnos learn that Crummond is still alive, much to their chagrin. They're determined to send Wolfgang Schmidt, the "most cunningly devious impersonator this side of the Rhine", to lure Rosemary Fenton to Netherington Abbey with the formula. However, concerned that Crummond would follow, Von Brunno decides to use "vocal reiteration" to mimic Professor Fenton's voice and call Rosemary, to have her send Crummond back to London. This segment is actually done by having Fenton's actor speak lines with his mouth hidden from view, whereas Otto simply lip-synchs.

The call goes through, but a split infinitive reveals to Crummond that it must have been Von Brunno calling. He wishes to form a plan of attack, but is interrupted when a police car pulls up outside. It is Marcus Scabbard, an Inspector from Scotland Yard, sent to investigate Fenton's disappearance. Scabbard has only one arm, and served in the trenches with Crummond. However, he harbors some bitterness, so Crummond hides before the inspector enters, as he fears the police would stop him from saving the Professor. Of course, Rosemary lets slip that he's involved, so Crummond reveals himself. They argue for a while, Scabbard stating that a small item is needed for police tracker dogs ("like a diamond formula, for instance") and Crummond pulls a gun, having suspicions that Scabbard is not who he seems.

When the inspector answers a personal question correctly, however, Crummond appears to relax, only to toss a heavy book at the one-armed man, who catches it with two. Scabbard was, in fact, Wolfgang Schmidt all along. Crummond rings the police, and Otto, disguised as a constable, arrives rather quickly than should be likely. Crummond again fails to recognize him despite only a shoddy disguise, and leaves them to their own devices. Von Brunno has a box set on the table, claiming it will put Crummond out of his hair for good.

Upon re-entering, Crummond mistakenly believes the box to be a joke sent by Algy Longwort. It contains only a bunch of bananas, and no-one had in fact known that Crummond was in Tunbridge Wells. Crummond forgets it, and proceeds to plan his assault on Netherington Abbey. In the process of doing so, however, a large tarantula lands on Rosemary's shoulder, having been hidden in the banana bunch. Crummond, claiming to have "something which closely resembles a python" in his pants, soon withdraws his suspenders and snaps the spider with it, killing it. He then states that if the Von Brunnos want Rosemary to take the formula to Netherington Abbey, then that's exactly what she's going to do.

So begins the final scene of the play. Rosemary and Lenya enter the scene, and a false formula is handed over in exchange for the professor, Rosemary's father. Rosemary then signals to Crummond, who enters wearing a bird's nest for a hat. He and Rosemary agree to work together, but must hide behind the screen when Lenya returns with Fenton. Fenton thinks that the Von Brunnos are simply trying to trick him, and unsuccessfully attacks Lenya, who has been calling for Rosemary. Crummond then enters, wearing Rosemary's dress, pipe clenched firmly in his mouth. Fenton believes him to be another henchman of the Von Brunnos', and faints in an attempt to attack Crummond; the professor is then hauled offstage, safely rescued.

However, Otto enters and demands the real formula from Rosemary, who emerges unsuspecting from behind the screen, clad only in archaic undergarments. She faints, eventually, and is left on a chair. Crummond enters, and a fencing duel occurs between him and Von Brunno; Otto is an exceptional swordsman, whereas Crummond is not. Defeated, Crummond appeals to Von Brunno for one last drink together, and this is granted. He slips knock-out drops into one drink, and offers the clean drink to Otto, who slyly demands to have the other glass. They eventually decide to drink Eastern European style, and both pass out. Rosemary re-enters, having left for the swordfighting, and promptly faints with shock.

Lenya then returns, insisting that the plane is waiting, and revives Otto with an antidote injection. He carries Rosemary off, giving Lenya a romantic interlude with Crummond. When it goes sour, she calls for Marovitch, a belligerent Cockney hunchback, to finish Crummond off. Crummond is tied up and menaced, but by clumsily spouting Cockney slang, manages to trick Marovitch into being suspicious that Von Brunno won't pay him, long enough for Crummond to untie himself. A decidedly one-sided fist-fight ensues, with Marovitch winning, until the sound of a plane take-off is heard, and Marovitch runs out. Crummond gets up, and steps outside, firing at the plane. Rosemary apparently parachutes, and is carried to safety.

Unfortunately, Von Brunno survived the wreck as well; and he and Crummond struggle wildly for a gun, managing to shoot Rosemary, then Lenya, then Otto, and finally Marovitch. However, all is well, as the first and third bullets were, in fact, rubber. The play closes with Rosemary accepting Crummond's marriage proposal, and claiming that he's absolutely wonderful, to which Crummond responds, "Not wonderful, Rosemary. Just British!"