Ankh-Morpork Assassins' Guild
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The Ankh-Morpork Assassins' Guild is a fictional school for professional killers in Terry Pratchett's longrunning Discworld series of fantasy novels. It is located in Ankh-Morpork, the largest city on the Discworld, and is widely considered by the elite to be the best option for a rounded education anywhere.
The Guild of Assassins is located in a light, airy series of buildings next to the Guild of Fools and Joculators, which, being a far more sinister building, is often mistaken for the Assassin's. The guild is currently headed by Lord Downey.
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[edit] History
The Assassins' Guild was founded on 27 August AM1512 by Sir Gyles de Munforte as the de Munforte School for Gentlemen Assassins. Sir Gyles was a warrior knight who, during his crusades in Klatch, was intrigued by the Klatchian tradition of professional gentleman assassins, and decided to set up a similar organisation at home, only without the drugs.
In AM1576 the school was elevated to the status of a Guild. The name was changed to the Royal Guild of Assassins.
The 'Royal' was dropped after the 'events' of AM1688 (i.e. the Ankh-Morpork Civil War).
In response to huge demand among the aristocracy for their children to receive the well-rounded education the Guild offered, the Guild's charter was expanded to include those intending to gain skills in proper Assassination. This new class of students were known as Oppidans, from the Latatian for town.
For most of its history the Assassins Guild School was a male-only establishment (although talented, self-taught women might become members of the Guild itself), however it has recently become co-educational. The Assassins' Guild is known for providing the best education in Ankh-Morpork. Most of the nobility in the city (and beyond) send their children there. Very few actually become assassins; many who attend do not learn valuable weapon skills, but are mainly there for the arts courses. Guild graduates can be expected to be at home in any company, and to be able to play at least one musical instrument. However, those who do not graduate are generally never seen again; as noted in Wyrd Sisters, the Guild is fond of competitive examination.
[edit] Notable locations
The Bell Tower houses the Inhumation Bell, which marks not only the hours (though fashionably late) but also the successful completion of an assassin's contract. It also tones to mark the passing of assassins (these can be the same thing). The Bell Tower is topped by Wiggy Charlie, a weathervane in the shape of a cloaked man.
The Cloister houses the busts and portraits of famous victims of the guild's various graduates, along with the date of death and the name of the Assassin with whose "assistance" they passed off their respective mortal coils.
The Museum contains many noted tools and traps, such as rigged teddy bears, used in successful killings.
The Library is the largest in Ankh-Morpork outside that of the Unseen University, though it probably surpasses the former in "relevant tomes."
[edit] Structure and activities
Pratchett describes the Assassins' Guild in The Art of Discworld as a typical British public school with the knobs turned up to eleven. Like a British public school, it is divided into houses, often named for a deadly animal. The most oft-mentioned is Viper House, though Scorpion, Tree Frog, Raven and Cobra Houses have also been mentioned. Many houses appear to have been named after benefactors, such as Mrs. Beddowes or Wigblock Prior. Initially a purely male institution, it has recognised the value of female students and has opened Black Widow House for girls.
When an assassin reaches the end of his final year, he must undertake a "final exam" known as 'The Run', which consists of a run through an obstacle course at night in Ankh-Morpork and the targeted killing of a single individual. To prepare for this, the Guild encourages particularly competitive forms of recreation; in particular the "Wall Game" (far more sadistic than the more famous Eton wall game, it is essentially an extreme hybrid of rock-climbing and dodgeball), and Stealth Chess. Furthermore, a school sport is edificeering--the climbing of buildings, often done on unusual/notable buildings in the city itself. School houses have their own teams, and the teams compete against one another.
[edit] Coat of arms
A shield, bisected by a bend sinister et purpure. Dexter a poignard d'or, draped with a masque en sable, lined gris on a field gules. Sinister two croix d'or on a sable field.
Motto: Nil Mortifi Sine Lucre (No death without money).
[edit] Code of Conduct
The Assassins' Guild has a strict code of conduct. It is considered absolutely unforgivable for an Assassin to kill (or as they refer to it, "inhume") for any reason other than being paid to do so. Of course, to distinguish themselves from common hitmen, the assassins' code also demands that they be paid a very large amount to do so. After an inhumation they must by law always leave a receipt. They must also give the client (they view the victim as the client) a sporting chance. With this in mind the Guild strongly disapproves of firearms (which are, in any case, extremely uncommon on the Disc), and also of most (but not all) other mechanical or chemical weapons.
It is accepted that an Assassin may find it necessary to inhume bodyguards, including other Assassins, while on a commission. However, if these can be incapacitated without being killed, it is considered good manners to do so.
In very rare cases, usually of personal offence, the head of the Assassins' Guild may stretch some of those rules, if only to make a statement. This is known as "Inhumation with extreme impoliteness." It is also the case that the rules may be relaxed if the Assassin is "outside civilisation" (the Überwald area is considered outside civilisation, as are the more remote areas of Klatch. The Assassins have not, as yet, been known to operate in the Counterweight Continent or FourEcks).
An Assassin must always act with style. Without style, he's just an expensive thug. They must always dress stylishly in black (which, although not the best colour for being unseen at night, is the correct colour for being an Assassin) and must always seem vaguely bored and, if possible, slightly foreign.
The rules of Assassination are so utterly formalised and strict that anyone with a strategic mind, a decent budget, and a firm knowledge of their code can usually avoid death at their hands, as Sam Vimes has proved many times.
[edit] Assassins featured in the books
[edit] Havelock Vetinari
Lord Vetinari appears as a student assassin in Night Watch but is apparently no longer practising. He is the current Patrician of Ankh-Morpork and the Diary lists him as 'Provost of Assassins', presumably an honorary position.
[edit] Lord Downey
The current head of the Assassins' Guild. He succeeded Dr. Cruces after his death; before that he was his deputy. He is a kindly looking, distinguished old gentleman with white hair, eminently professional and seemingly unflappable. Certain evidence suggests, however, that he was not always quite as intelligent or in-control as he is now. He was at school with Havelock Vetinari, where he was a bully and something of an imbecile, with a propensity for calling everyone scags, including Vetinari, whom he also referred to as dog-botherer. Thirty years' passage seems to have improved him.
Allegedly, Lord Downey's preferred method of inhumation is poisoning, though no deaths have yet to be attributed to him. Pratchett suggests this is probably due to the fact that he is very good at his job. His special recipe for humbugs, submitted to Nanny Ogg, calls for "arsenic to taste", though, since arsenic is actually very traceable, this is likely a slight bit of misinformation on his part. One current tradition he maintains is inviting certain students to his office for sherry and an almond slice. Given the nature of most Assassins' Guild traditions, this could be seen as a kind of impromptu "pass or fail" examination.
Lord Downey first appears in Men at Arms, makes his first appearance as Guildmaster in Feet of Clay, and appears again in Hogfather. He also appears in Night Watch as a student bully. In the Sky One adaptation of Hogfather Downey was played by David Warner.
[edit] 71-Hour Ahmed
A Klatchian warrior who accompanies the Klatchian envoy Prince Khufurah on a diplomatic journey to Ankh-Morpork in the novel Jingo. He speaks with a heavy accent and has a penchant for chewing on cloves. Following an attempt on the prince's life by an unknown assassin, he is suspected of killing the Watch's prime suspect, provoking Vimes and other Watch members to pursue him back to Klatch (Particularly after he captures Angua in werewolf form).
Apart from belonging to a vicious but honorable warrior clan known as the D'regs, he is later revealed to be a Klatchian equivalent of a watchman on par with Vimes. It also turns out his obsessive clove-chewing and broken Morporkian are in fact a disguise meant to delude foreigners into falsely assuming he is nothing but an uncivilized barbarian. Like many privileged foreigners, he was sent to the Assassin's Guild as a child on the assumption that he would get an excellent education. He confounds Vimes by his fond memories of Ankh-Morpork, and even Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler. He and Vimes eventually develop a wary respect for each other, mostly based on both of them being basically-honest cops in unenviable positions.
He got his nickname after killing a man (guilty of poisoning a well, and killing a number of villagers and very valuable camels) one hour before the traditional D'reg three days of hospitality, during which even your greatest enemy should be shown respect, would have run out.
[edit] Edward d'Eath
One of the major villains in Men at Arms, he is an impoverished aristocrat whose ancestors lost all their money through drinking and gambling. A hopeless romantic, he dreams of restoring the Ankh-Morpork monarchy; when he discovers that Carrot Ironfoundersson is a descendant of the Ankh-Morpork royal line, he conspires to give him the throne. When he obtains Leonard of Quirm's "gonne" (the Discworld's first gunpowder-fired weapon), he becomes progressively more insane, and wreaks a trail of destruction until killed by Dr Cruces, the Master of the Assassins' Guild.
[edit] Mr. Teatime
Mr. Jonathan Teatime appears in Hogfather. His last name is actually pronounced "Teh-ah-tim-eh."
He was taken into the Guild as a child because the administration took pity on him after he lost his parents at a young age. It is never specified what happened to young Jonathan's parents; it is, however, implied that what happened to them was young Jonathan.
He is boyishly handsome, with curly hair and a ready smile, but these features are ruined by his eyes. One is glass and the other is off-white, with a tiny, pinhole-sized pupil. He is, undoubtedly, a genius, but also sociopathic to an astonishing degree. His mind has been compared at times to both a corkscrew and a shattered mirror (i.e. something brilliant, sharp, and dazzling, but also fundamentally and irrevocably broken). His main problem seems to be that he 'sees things differently from other people, in that he sees other people as things'. This gets him into a spot of trouble early on, as his assassinations often include the brutal murders of not just the target, but also their family, their servants, and very often their pets, all of which is a direct violation of Guild protocol.
However, when the Auditors of Reality need someone to assassinate the Hogfather, Mr. Teatime is just the man for the job. When questioned, he reveals to his superior, Lord Downey, that he often used to lie awake in bed at night and think of ways to kill, not only the Hogfather, but also the Tooth Fairy and the Soul Cake Tuesday Duck (Discworld's version of the Easter Bunny), among others (including Death...). He commissions the help of a cadre of lowlifes, ranging from big Banjo Lilywhite to the locksmith Mr. Brown, and sets about putting his ingenious plan into action, which inevitably pits him against Susan Sto Helit and her grandfather, Death.
Most of the time, Mr. Teatime seems a pleasant, albeit odd young man. He only seems to get irritated when people mispronounce his name. However, he possesses physical abilities which defy physics, and has been known to perform feats such as stabbing through all layers of clothing but stopping before hitting flesh, doing the same thing but with eyelids instead of clothing and eyes instead of flesh, flipping on thin air, and killing so fast he appears to be a blur, all of which he will do without any notice or provocation. Rumours among his associates (somewhat confirmed in the non-canonical GURPS Discworld sourcebook) imply that the glass eye is in fact a scrying crystal, which might go some way towards explaining his abilities but also means that he implanted notoriously erratic Discworld magic into his own eye-socket.
The Assassins' Guild lists him as having vanished without trace since the events in Hogfather, though they have named a "Teatime Prize" in his honour, which is given annually to the student who devises the most creative, but technically accurate, hypothetical inhumation, preferably complete with maps and a proposed route that avoids or disables any guards.
In the Sky One adaptation of Hogfather, Mr. Teatime is played by Marc Warren. Warren plays Teatime with a soft American accent, partly based on Johnny Depp's version of Willy Wonka (another unpredictable and "childlike" character). His homicidal character is shown through the way he interacts with his victims, for example, Teatime has just entered a heavily locked door, upon entering he sees a cowering guard, he tells the guard "I am your worst nightmare" the guard stop's to consider, then asks "Is it the one with the big whirring thing and the teeth..." upon which Teatime replies softly "Sorry not that one. I'm the one where this stranger comes out of nowhere, and kills you" Teatime then proceeds to stab the guard, along with a dry remark.
Mr. Teatime is very popular within the Pratchett fandom. This is most likely due to his interesting personality, and he is usually paired with Susan in fanfiction.[citation needed]
[edit] Other noted assassins
- Lady T'Malia: Teaches Political Expediency in Pyramids. A very beautiful woman (though it is the kind of beauty only possible with a great deal of makeup), who wears enough hollow jewellery to poison whole towns.
- Miss Alice Band: First mentioned in the Assassins' Guild diary, where she is listed as teaching Traps, Locks and Climbing, and is also a "stealth archeologist" (the Paul Kidby illustration resembles Lara Croft). In Night Watch she sent Jocasta Wiggs on a very humbling training mission to target Sam Vimes after deciding she was overconfident.
- Dr Cruces: Former head of the Guild. Appears in Pyramids and Men At Arms. In the latter he takes over D'Eath's plan, and is executed for treason by Carrot.
- Zlorf Flannelfoot: Head of the Guild in The Colour of Magic.
- Dr Follett: Former head of the Guild. Appears in Night Watch. A keen political mind, under a very odd hairstyle, and part of the conspiracy against the then Patrician Lord Winder. Based on Ken Follett.
- Mericet: Appears in Pyramids as teacher for Strategy and Poison; is said to have killed a former Patrician of Ankh-Morpork.
- Lord Robert Selachii: Appears in Soul Music.
- Prince Pteppicymon (Teppic): Appears in Pyramids.
- Jocasta Wiggs: Appears in Night Watch, one of the Guild's first female pupils.
- Inigo Skimmer: Appears in The Fifth Elephant. Scholarship boy, one of the few Assassins who is not a Gentleman, but merely a very good craftsman, that is to say, a killer who feels no emotion in the execution of his duty save "craftsman's pride in a job well done". Used weaponry normally forbidden under Guild law outside the city boundaries. He was killed in the book by a werewolf, presumed to be Angua's brother.
- Miguel Portijo: Lord Robert Selachii's apprentice in the animated version of Soul Music (unnamed in the book), As the name suggests, he is drawn to resemble the UK politician Michael Portillo.
- Remora Selachii: Presumably a relative of Lord Robert. Appears in the Discworld Noir game.
[edit] Open Commissons
| Name | Amount | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Hogfather | AM$3,000,000 | |
| Lord Vetinari | AM$1,000,000 | Officially Unlisted |
| Rincewind | AM$950,000 | |
| Samuel Vimes | AM$600,000 and rising | Officially Unlisted |
| Duck Man | AM$132,000 | |
| Nobby Nobbs | AM$4.31 | Believed to be a joke by some of the Watch |
| Foul Ole Ron | One groat | |
| Cut-Me-Own-Throat Dibbler | Tuppence | Price given by one Assassin (Lord Robert Selachii) to another (His apprentice) whilst pursuing Imp Y Celyn, Glod & Lias/Cliff who were Dibbler's associates in Soul Music. The response given was "It's certainly tempting--" |
| Death | unknown | |
| Imp y Celyn | unknown | Mentioned in Soul Music, Contract was taken out by the Musicians Guild but no price referred to. The Assassins' Guild decided to no longer entertain the contract, and refunded the fee. |
| Glod | unknown | As above |
| Lias/Cliff | unknown | As above |
Note: "Officially unlisted" means that, while the Guild has priced these people as "clients", it now refuses to accept contracts on them, on the grounds that their deaths would destabilise the city, endangering the Guild itself. Lord Vetinari and Samuel Vimes are, as of the events in Night Watch, the only people currently unlisted. In the case of Vimes there is some thought that he was actually removed since he's far too hard to kill and the Guild was fed up of its members coming back hurt, beaten up, humiliated, or on foot after walking from a remote region. Vimes is considering appealing the ruling.
[edit] See also
- Guilds of Ankh-Morpork
- Ankh-Morpork Thieves' Guild
- Ankh-Morpork Beggars' Guild
- Fools' Guild (Discworld)
