43-Man Squamish

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For other uses, see Squamish (disambiguation).

43-Man Squamish as it appeared in MAD Magazine in 1965

43-Man Squamish is a fictional sport that was invented in Issue #95 of MAD Magazine (June 1965) by George Woodbridge and Tom Koch. It was published in the "There's a Soccer Born Every Minute Dept." to avoid the "inherent evils" present in most college sports, namely that they are too professional and do not allow everyone to participate. It is an incredibly complex game, but although the writer intended the game to be completely unplayable, MAD magazine received so many reprint requests from colleges, it appears that some colleges have attempted to form teams and play the game.

In the article, new terminology is introduced with no explanation; much of the humour derives from the reader's half-successful attempts at gleaning a meaning from context. Exactly what everyone on the team is supposed to do, exactly what penalties apply and exactly when or why the yellow danger flag is to be flown remains far from clear, even after repeated readings.

The sport is referenced on a Trivial Pursuit-style question card in the "Weird Al" Yankovic parody video "White & Nerdy". "Weird Al" also mentions the sport in an episode of The Weird Al Show.

MAD also invented the board game "Three-Cornered Pitney," including many similarly ridiculous rules.

1 Participants
2 Playing field
3 Equipment
4 Gameplay
5 See also
6 External links

[edit] Participants

Each team consists of one left and one right Inside Grouch, one left and one right Outside Grouch, four Deep Brooders, four Shallow Brooders, five Wicket Men, three Offensive Niblings, four Quarter-Frummerts, two Half-Frummerts, one Full-Frummert, two Overblats, two Underblats, nine Back-Up Finks, two Leapers and a Dummy - for a total of 43.

The game officials are a Probate Judge (dressed as a British judge, with wig), a Field Representative (in Scottish tartan), a Head Cockswain (in long overcoat), and a Baggage Smasher (dressed as a male beachgoer in pre-World War I years). None has any authority after play has begun.

[edit] Playing field

Squamish is played on a five-sided field, or Flutney, and the game is normally played within seven 15-minute Ogres, or eight if it's raining.

[edit] Equipment

An Official Pritz (or ball) is 3-3/4 inches in diameter. It is constructed from untreated Ibex hide, and is stuffed with Blue Jay feathers.
Each player is equipped with a Frullip; a long, hooked stick very similar in appearance to a shepherd's crook. It is used to prevent opposing players from scoring with the Pritz.
Gloves, a helmet, and flippers are also required in an official Squamish game. Any extra padding is suggested, but optional.

[edit] Gameplay

Before any game, the Probate Judge must first flip a coin, usually a new Spanish peseta, while the Visiting Captain guesses the toss. If he guesses correctly, the game is cancelled immediately. If not, the Home Team Captain must then decide if he wishes to play offense or defense first. Play begins after a frullip is touched to the flutney and the recitation "My uncle is sick but the highway is green!" is intoned in Spanish. Penalties are applied for infractions such as walling the Pritz, icing on fifth snivel, running with the mob, rushing the season, inability to face facts, and sending the Dummy home early.

The offensive team has five Snivels (equivalent to downs in football) to advance to the enemy goal. Carrying the Pritz across the goal line is a Woomik and scores 17 points; hitting it across with the frullip counts as a Durmish and only scores 11 points. Except in the 7th Ogre (and the 8th, if it rains), only the offensive Niblings and Overblats are allowed to score. In this case, the four Quarter-Frummerts are allowed to kick or throw the Pritz, and the nine Finks are allowed to heckle the opposition by doing imitations of Barry Goldwater.

The teams are to play a sudden-death overtime to break a tie, unless both Left Overblats are out of the game on personal fouls. If this is the case, the tie is settled by the teams lining up on opposite sides of the flutney and shouting dirty limericks at each other until one side breaks up laughing.

When an insufficient number of players precludes a regulation 43-man squamish match, a simplified version may be played: 2-man squamish. The rules are the same, except in 2-man squamish, the object is to lose.