Zangoul
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Zangoul; son of Zgul, Demon of Bambuzia, is a creature often mistaken to be mythical in nature and therefore is an oft ignored creature in cryptozoology. A cross between a Gryphon and a Lynx, but bearing close resemblance to humans, Zangoul resided in the nether regions of Bambuzia, just above the hills of Grunkle.
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[edit] Bambuzia and The Battle of Gorfunkus Vostipuli
Bambuzia, of course is a region of the earth located in the time-space continuum fractal that lies between the boroughs of Karama and Satwa in the city of Dubai, in the United Arab Emirates. Legend first had it that Zgul (Zangoul's father) had been banished to Bambuzia after the battle of Gorfunkus Vostipuli in 8676 QE (Qantipulog Exambolu, which corresponds to approx. last tuesday on the Gregorian Calendar). In fact, the battle of Gorfunkus Vostipuli had been won by Zgul's Lugrutzinglian armies by a very narrow margin to the battalions of the insane General Bolofruous Cull. In the last epic confrontation between Zgul and Cull, it is said that the lilies that occupy the region of Guzlu (where the battle had taken place) wept in mourning of the confrontation to be and sang the great war poem Tu Lu Zabonglu Galazdro, which reads
Golondu blo cuxz dufboor Ung zalfo zalfa cush bal hoor Uz Guzlu danzu polbor Cull Anzu bu lubu unta rthull Zimbugu forso ving ar shz Hg ti fo roz roz bin du gz Inz lagbo bagbo fgh in vo Az anzu Guzlu borbol io
Translators and scholars of early Guzluvian culture were somewhat divided among their interpretation of the poem, which was quite ambiguous in its description of the battle between Zgul and Cull, but clearly mentions "a love that survives the ages" in the fourth line. Scholars have speculated that this is probably a metaphorical reference to the pre-battle relationship between Zgul and his concubine Vozrapa Glzgo, who bore Zgul his second child (a daughter) Vukf the Impenetrable.
[edit] Vukf the Impenetrable
It is said that Zgul loved Vukf's company so much that he promised her the world and all which is beyond, and that someday she will have it all. Vukf, born with no discerning genetalia and the will of a marching army (hence her moniker), was rather pleased with her father's offer, but demanded that he get to it immediately. This, as speculated by the scholars at Jabal Al Noor University, was the catalyst of the battle of Gorfunkus Vostipuli.
[edit] The "Jaffiliya Lobster" Scribes
Some archaeologists and those who studied the scribes discovered in the Jaffiliya area of Dubai (which, on this plane of the universal existence, lies between Satwa and Karama, over a section of the land of Bambuzia) speculate that it was in this battle that Zgul had indeed been vanquished and exiled to Bambuzia. The scribes, said to have been written by Zgul himself in 9083 QE (approx. 12 hours ago in the Gregorian Calendar), when translated roughly to English, they read as:
My victories have all but remained. They are now a shadow of a camel lying on its side in the pool of blood that was its open womb. I wonder now as I have wondered before how I came to be this demon that I am...wondering from plain to plain....hill to hill, searching for the one upon which I reek my vengeance. I need closure of the wounds that have emerged in my scalp. I think too much, and thus my scalp has ruptured into a mass of hair and blood, to small for the eye to see. I am a shell of a man. A lobster. Find me a tank to drown in. A tank of my sworn enemy's blood...
Studies are still inconclusive.
[edit] Legends of Birth
Legend has it that Zangoul's birth was the result of a miscalculated conception caused by Zgul's loneliness in Bambuzia, which prompted him to use his surplus of libido on unsuspecting fauna that resided in the region. It is said that while touring the plains of Grakklefloosh south of the Gurkh river, Zgul came upon a Gryphon engaging in coitus with a Lynx. The thought of the unnatural pairing made Zgul turn crimson with passion and, ensnaring the Lynx's backside with one snap of his mighty "whip", planted his seed within. Just then, a flash of lightning struck all three lovers and it is said Zangoul was the result of this lightning strike. Hence his moniker at birth became Zangoul the Electric.
[edit] Zangoul's Childhood and Maturity
Zangoul was raised by his mother, Urbp the Lynx. During his early years, he experienced first hand the mania that had taken over Zgul's head. Trying to please his father as best he could, Zangoul vowed to continue in his father's quest to avenge his name after the battle of Gorfunkus Vostipuli and to fill a pool with General Bolofruous Cull's blood so that his father may bathe in it. However, the Lugrutzinglian army had long since been dispersed far and wide in the lands, and its men had been reduced to gypsies and nomads whose only way of life was to loot and pillage other lands. The Lugrutzinglians pillaged most of what is now know as Northern Hj, reducing it to ashes and soap scum.
Zangoul was however unfazed by this, and set out to seek his father's greatest ally, General Borpopulous Grznol (known as "Grznol the Gkh" to his men). After years of searching, Zangoul finally found Grznol engaged in bloody battle with his wife of 89 years Bolpapia. A long journey it had been for Zangoul, who started at the age of 17 in 9367QE. He had now become a flourishing 30 year old man, and upon arrival in Grznol's camp, amidst the hullabaloo of the latter's fight with his wife, he was ushered in by Grznols beautiful daughter Bhow the Easy. Zangoul was immediately smitten, not because of her ravishing beauty or sexual appeal, not even for her intelligence (it is said that Bhow the Easy had all the grace, sophistication, and beauty of a wildebeest in labour) but due to Bhow's ability to swallow her leg all the way up to the thigh. Zangoul was immediately smitten, and above trying to convince Grznol to battle Cull again, he asked for his daughter's hand in marriage. Grznol accepted both offers, and in 9777, after much planning and deliberation, set a wedding date for 4 years later.
[edit] Ambush at Zopfl Jrkolp
That very year, Zangoul and Grznol set out to the rocky fjords of Jrkolp to meet Cull's army, who had already heard of Zangoul's plans years earlier. As it turns out, Zgul's ignorance of the Gryphon's role in his son's conception was enough of a reason for the Gryphon to abandon all emotions of love and faith towards her mate and turn to Cull. As such, the Gryphon became the unknown thorn in Zgul's side, feeding Cull all the information he needed from Zgul's camp and allowing him to plan his moves long before Zangoul had reached Jrkolp. But Zangoul had an ace up his sleeve. Using his fiancee's malleability, he tied her arms to a Gurf tree and her legs to another Gurf tree a mile away and instructed his army to stand in the middle as he stretched her like a slingshot. Cull's armies were therefore caught unawares when, expecting to arrive by land, Zangoul's army arrived by air. Cull was defeated instantly, and Zangoul constructed a tank made of the bones of Cull's armies infantry and covered its sides and bottom with their skins. Filling the tank with Cull's blood, he invited his father for a swim. Zgul, now seeing his wish fulfilled by his only son, declined...saying "I cannot, for I am not a Lobster yet."
[edit] Significance in Modern Culture
Many of the legends and myths surrounding the nature of Zangoul and his struggle between satisfying his father and maintaining his relationship with his wife have entered our common language as catchphrases or proverbs. In fact, the word school in the English language is said to have originated from Zgul, whom with his wife's inability to form consonants, was forced to teach his son everything he knows, thus Zguling (schooling) him.
"Rather a Zgul than a Zangoul" is a famous saying amongst pop culture aficionados today, and it means that the person saying it prefers to be left insane by his own victories than made insane by attempting victory on someone else's behalf. It is commonly used before going to the bathroom for what is colloquially know as a "number 2".
In fact the term "number 2" to describe defecation was used after scholars at Jabal Al Nour University found scriptures said to have been written by the Gryphon after she was ignored by Zgul. The scribes, mostly in poetry form and thus untranslatable, describe the Gryphon's feelings as "pouring from the anus of second best". It seems that the scribes were studied by an early student of the university and he jokingly began to refer to his feces as "Gryphonial number 2". This was known to have been shortened through time to just "number 2", a term that has lasted the ages.
[edit] Where are they now
Zangoul is now exalted and worshipped as one of the main 38 saints of Zaidism.
[edit] External Links
http://www.dubai.com ~ detailing the history and geography of the city of Dubai as seen in this article
http://thejordanconsp.livejournal.com/296131.html ~ first citing of this article's origin.
