User:Yeltensic42/Miscellaneous Tidbits
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This page is for miscellaneous tidbits from Yeltensic. The things on this page may or may not be related to each other.
[edit] Countries I've Been To
The United States: First time, August 1990
The United Kingdom: First time, April 2003
Benskonia: First time, August 2005
Canada: First time, August 2006
[edit] States I've Been To
Florida: First time, August 1990
Georgia: First time, December 1990
Alabama: First time, December 1990
Mississippi: First time, 1995?
Louisiana: First time, October 1992
South Carolina: First time, September 1994
North Carolina: First time, September 1994
Tennessee: First time, 1995?
Kentucky: First time, 1996?
Virginia: First time, May 1995
West Virginia: First time, 1995?
Maryland: First time, June 2000
Pennsylvania: First time, June 2000
New Jersey: First time, June 2000
Massachussetts: First time, April 2003
Illinois: First time, April 2003
Missouri: First time, August 2006
Washington: First time, August 2006
[edit] Random Nothingness
Speaking of which, qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. That is all that I had to say. Can anyone decipher that? I would be inclined to think so. In closing, thank you for sharing the memories of this page. But don't share...make them pay. I will make them pay for their crimes. I would prefer not to. But sometimes we have to do things we would prefer not to do. Like when I had to do something that I can't remember what it was but I didn't want to do it, but I did it anyway because it is necessary and sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do, like this other time I had to do this other thing that I can't remember what it was either and didn't want to do it. Are you still reading this? Only a total moron would have read this far. Are you seriously still reading this? I highly doubt that anyone is wasting their time on it, but if anyone is, I have this to say: GET A LIFE!!! Well, that's probably what someone would say to me for wasting my time on this. Anyway.
[edit] The Amazing Adventures of Oliver Mo-Dean Yeltensic
Here is the story of Oliver Mo-Dean Yeltensic, who was born in Paris, London in 1028. In 1070, at the the age of 42, he went into a coma, and woke up on his 618th birthday in 1646. He acquired amazing telepsychic powers during the coma, and used them to take over the mind of Jeff Cromwell (in this guise he assumed his own first name); the rest, as they say, is history. During this time, he sent "name shockwaves" backward in time to change history so that Jeff's parents named him Oliver in the first place. After Cromwell's death, Yeltensic moved on to "puppeteering" son Richard Cromwell; tired of this little game of dabbling with Puritan dictatorship, he ruled incompetently on purpose so that he would be overthrown and replaced with Charles II.
He traveled in space for a number of years (987 in fact, but due to the distortions of time travel along the way it was shorter for Earthbound observers). In 1979 he entered the mind of Declan Patrick McManus aka Elvis Costello, and ordered him to write "Oliver's Army". Later, he entered the mind of Fred Schneider in a dream and inspired "Is That You Mo-Dean?"
Oliver Yeltensic is now a chartered accountant living in Hounslow, Middlesex, Greater London, England, Great Britain, the United Kingdom, the British Isles, the Atlantic Ocean/Europe, Eurasia, Earth, System of Sol, Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha, West Spiral Arm, the Milky Way, Universe 12B, the Whole Sort of General Mish-Mash. He claims that Yeltensic is a Slovak name, but this is in fact not true; he traces his ancestry to Nurdgeik, a planet in the Horsehead Nebula. He has a wife, Olivia Modine Yeltensic (born in 1959 or 1964) and one daughter, Paris London (born in 1978 or 2005).
[edit] The Amazing Adventures of Tom the Donut Guy
Thomas Holden Bendle was born in Smalltown, Illinois on February 29, 1981. He lived off-and-on in Chicago and in Smalltown for most of his life. In 2004, while he had a job as a donut delivery guy for the Smalltown police station, Chief Frederick McFall was murdered by a psycho killer in a cloak. To understand all of this, it is necessary to go back fifteen years...
[edit] Smalltown, 1989
Lord Yeltensic, a grim reaper, was exiled from the Underworld. The spot where appeared on Earth became a gate to the nether realm, in the form of a foggy lake in an underground cavern beneath the Attica Theater in Smalltown, Illinois. An employee, David Glander, found the entrance in the basement. The phantom came out and possessed him, consuming his soul in a blanket of dark fog. Now, the phantom could transform into Dave at will. The phantom was tied magically to the cavern, and the only way to be freed was to dump souls into the lake; the drama class Dave was teaching was a good source. The phantom took the students to the cavern to throw them in the lake, while the puppet Dave pretended to do something about it. Dave called in Adrian Morrisey Smith, a detective renowned for his incompetence, not wanting the disappearances solved. Smith, however, defeated him; he pushed the puppet Dave into the lake, and the two cancelled each other out; the lake lost its powers, and the phantom was trapped in human form. Smith and the others left, believing Dave to have drowned. They were very wrong...
[edit] 15 Years Later
McCall (who had been one of those students) called Adrian Smith, telling him that there was something strange going on. As soon as he got off the phone, the cloaked killer killed him. Smith arrived, and was told by Deputy Leland Williams and Tom the Donut Guy that McFall was dead. He was also informed of McFall's reason for calling him...most of the inhabitants of Smalltown suddenly believed that they lived in 1956. Smith, helped by the other 1989 students (including Ian Daniels, the coroner; Mort Morterson, the mortician; and Alexandria Taylor, a crimelab tech) followed a trail of clues to the lake, under the charred ruins of the theater. Along the way, Alexandria was killed after figuring everything out on her own, and Mort was killed after it turned out he was involved in the plot but had failed his master. At the lake, the cloaked psycho killer behind the evil scheme was unmasked as Bob the Strange, a local bum, who revealed that he was really David Glander...or, rather, the phantom trapped in that form. After losing its powers, the lake acquired unusual chemical properties; using water from this lake, Dave had contaminated the local water supply with a chemical that made drinkers believe they lived 48 years in the past. All of this was an elaborate plot for revenge, that failed (until they tried to stop it) to even affect Dave's foes. Everyone was returned to normal, but Dave got away. Thomas Holden Bendle was inspired to be more than a donut guy. And now, back to...
[edit] The Amazing Adventures of Tom the Donut Guy
Tom became a henchman for evil genius Gus Roberts, the villainous CEO of Trashco who, behind his corporate facade, was plotting global domination. His scheme, involving the contamination of the oceans with toxic chemicals, was thwarted by marine biologist Dr. Jason Costanza and his own sister, detective Jennifer Roberts. This ended in Gus Roberts' death at the hands of a minion, who turned out to be an ally of his sister in disguise. More can be read about this at the Gus Roberts article. Tom was already killed before that, at his master's orders, for being incompetent and insolent. But this was not the end. Death is the next great adventure...
[edit] Death
Tom was revived by the phantom, who been readmitted to the Underworld and reacquired his powers. The revival of Tom, however, got him thrown out again. That is another story, to be told another time. Tom obtained awesome powers from his time in the Underworld, and with these achieved global domination. He defeated the nether-spirits who tried to overthrow him, and became ruler of the universe, now plunged into the kingdom of the shadows.
[edit] World History 2000-2100
In 2006, President George W. Bush was becoming less popular in the United States by the day. Many thought that the next one wouldn't be another Republican. They thought wrong.
In the last couple of years of his lame-duck presidency, Bush filled the Supreme Court with right-wing justices. Even as the slightly better Democrats started to return to power, from the judicial branch the icy hand of Bush reached from beyond the grave to keep the U.S. in a death grip. Talk of blue state secession revived.
California went first, becoming an independent nation in 2007. The U.S. sent troops to the border in Nevada, preparing to reconquer the state. During the months-long siege, other blue states decided on secession, thinking that the loss of California would mean a Republican victory after all in 2008, returning the Right to control of all three branches. Minnesota went first, becoming a Canadian province, the southernmost of the Praire Provinces. New York and Massachussetts closely followed; New Jersey and Connecticut closely followed New York, as the U.S. had for now banned travel to Canada, as the two nations sat at the brink of war. (the one thing that delayed it was the fact that many Republicans were glad to be rid of the blue states, the loss of which put them solidly in the majority). Rhode Island and Vermont closely followed their neighbors; Pennsylvania and Delaware narrowly decided in favor of secession; more conservative Maine and New Hampshire formed a kind of eastern Alaska until they followed the rest of the Northeast.
Meanwhile, on the Pacific, Oregon, Washington and Hawaii joined California, then later all four became Canadian provinces. (Alaska followed somewhat later, tired of being even more isolated than it already was).
Maryland eventually joined Canada, but this was delayed by opposition from the counties near Washington, D.C.; eventually, however, due to secessionst-antisecessionist violence that left parts of the city in ruins, the U.S. government fled to Houston; Washington was annexed by Maryland, and the issue was a moot point. Largely to keep the the city's population from almost all losing their jobs, the Canadian government made Washington a second capital.
Illinois, Michigan and Wisconsin eventually followed Minnesota in joining Canada; with the loss of New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago, this incidentally made Houston the largest city in the U.S. Less conservative red swing states eventually followed (Florida, Ohio, Missouri, Iowa, and West Virginia); Indiana, Virginia and Kentucky did so as well, as the loss of Illinois, D.C. and Ohio cut off many commuters from Chicago, Washington and Cincinatti. To prevent further secession, the federal government replaced state governments with their own handpicked leaders. By 2010, unchallenged by any opposition parties, the Republicans had made the U.S. into a theocracy/fascist state.
By then, the European Union (with more members, including Russia and Turkey) had become a single nation. China and India had grown into superpowers, eclipsing the fragmented United States (which had largely been "replaced" by Canada); Iran and North Korea, ignored in the early 2000s in favor of Iraq, prepared to attack the rest of the world with their new nuclear weapons.
The United States declared war on Europe and Canada, the jihad against the Islamic theocracies of the Middle East (which the U.S. no longer had the means to attack) replaced by a jihad against the non-theocracy of its former allies. The U.S. also invaded several of its neighbors in Latin America, intending to build an empire there as a base for attacking Europe and Canada. Instead, this stretched the U.S. thin, and what remained of it was divided into European and Canadian occupation zones. The U.S. government fled to an island in the Carribean, and from there continued its wars in Latin America; some countries there had sided with the U.S. against their neighbors, and the wars among them continued even as the U.S. dissolved.
Meanwhile, partly in response to all of this, the neo-fascist movement strengthened in Europe, and eventually they took over the government in Brussels. Europe then declared war on Canada, and invaded parts of Africa and the Middle East. Iran, meanwhile, attacked Israel with its nuclear weapons, while North Korea attacked South Korea, then China and Japan. Tokyo, Seoul, Beijing, and Jerusalem were left as large scorch marks on the ground. Other countries in both regions took sides.
India got involved, taking North Korea's side with the intent of conquering China. The conflict became more of a war between China and India, which eventually wore each other into the ground, leaving all of their major cities in ruins.
The U.S.-in-exile attacked Canada with its remaining nuclear weapons, leaving every major city in ruins. (even those that were once in the U.S.) The war in Latin America turned nuclear as well, with the same result, as did the Euro-Canadian War. The governments-in-exile of the U.S., Iran and North Korea joined forces in a plot to melt the polar icecaps with the lasers of the Star Wars missile defense system.
A wall of water washed over North America, submerging Canada north of a line running near Edmonton, and the former United States east of the Appalachians (and some to the west). The Gulf Stream was diverted, turning the United States and Canada tropical, and Europe into a frozen wasteland. The surviving Europeans took refuge in Africa (which Neo-Fascist Europe had conquered). To the south, flat Australia was almost all submerged.
The warmer water sent "Category 10" hurricanes from the Gulf of Mexico as far north as the Dakotas, leaving the Midwest uninhabitable. The West Coast was left in ruins by nuclear attacks from China, and earthquakes caused by the explosions. Asia, Euro-Africa and South America were mostly destroyed by nuclear war. Only a few humans remained in the highest, remote mountain ranges of the world. By 2050, all of them had killed each other off.
[edit] The Truth
Cartographers lie to us to make us buy globes. The world is flat. It is a disk, with both sides inhabited; China, for example, is directly on the other side from the United States. The disk is only about ten feet thick; geologists are liars so (so are oceanographers, as all of this clearly means that the oceans are less than ten feet deep; in fact they are 9.5 feet deep, and the opposite-side seabeds are barely seperated by six inches of sediment). When you fly around the world in a plane, it actually dips down upside down at the edge of the disk to fly right-side-up over the opposite side. The disk turns over and over, like a slowly flipping coin, so the sides take turns facing the sun, a marble-sized ball of fire in the sky; on the opposite side is the moon, a marble-sized bit of chalk. Historians are part of the scheme as well; it was in 1900 that the world was created by the Invisible Pink Unicorn. She created it with cities, nations etc already in place, with humans of varying apparent ages, with inventions already invented; that is to say, an industrial civilization already in place (this naturally means that it is right to harm the environment, for IPU intended us to do so). To conceal her identity, IPU put the ideas of other religions into humans' heads. She never intended for the cartographers et al to take over, as they did in 1980. In 2006, she will return from hibernation and annihilate the cartographers et al. All will remember that the world is flat, and that everything that supposedly happened before 1980 didn't necessarily happen, while nothing that allegedly occured prior to 1900 ever occured. I am now being arrested by the Thought Police for revealing the truth. You must spread the word. I am being forcibly dragged from my compusdkfjire no...rtiijisdfj...let go of me fdokpef they are taking me to a;lsdkjtk:OKj...help... fiiiireihifehrf...the act of resisting being dragged away is causing me to garble the message I am typing adshyhgyhgbyhg...I am now desperately reaching for Save Page...no..fjjidgyhjj3445hgh4g6h...
[edit] Thought Police Disclaimer
Disregard the above message. Chris Bensko is a raving lunatic. The world is older than 105 years, there is no IPU, and the world is round. Pay no attention to what he said. He is now on his way to a very secure mental institution where we will...well, he's on his way. Do not search for him. He is very dangerous, very mentally unstable and very erratic. All record of his existence will be destroyed.
[edit] Sonic Romance From the Talkpage
I think Sonic will marry Sally, but then they'll divorce, and Sonic will marry Amy, but then a wormhole will open connecting the game-reality universe and the comic-reality universe, so Amy and Sally will merge into one person, and then Knuckles will marry Rouge, and she'll cheat on him with Tails, and Tails will marry Cream, but they'll cheat on each other with Amy and Knuckles, and then Shadow will marry Bunnie Rabbot, and then Big will marry Mina Mongoose, and then Tails will come out of the closet and admit that he's in love with Sonic, then Sonic and Tails will go to Massachussetts to get married and then live in San Francisco, but then...wait, I lost my train of thought...who's with who? Well, Amy will go back in time to the 1990s, and get involved in Harry Potter ships...Harry/Ginny didn't work out, but now we'll see Harry/Amy, then Ron/Sally and Hermione/Knuckles, then later Hermione/Rouge and Hermione/Ginny...Sonic and Tails will run into Spock/Kirk at a fanfic gay bar, and swap out...then this page will get so flooded with discussion of Sonic's love life that Wikipedia will come crashing down, and all the servers will explode, and the flames will spread along power lines and affect inflammable chemical trucks on the street outside Wikimedia, igniting an explosion that levels St. Pete...it turns out there was an undiscovered seismic fault under Tampa Bay, and the explosion causes a massive earthquake that kills the entire population of Florida (including me!) knocking Miami into the sea and swallowing Orlando in a massive sinkhole, and sends a giant tsunami across the Gulf of Mexico to wash away Houston and New Orleans and the explosion superheats the water (like what occasionally happens in a microwave oven), causing the entire Gulf to fly upward in a blast of boiling water and rain down upon the United States and Mexico, washing away everyone and boiling all that's left, then all the hot water will send off Category 10 hurricanes across the Atlantic and Pacific to destroy Europe, Africa and Asia, and southward to destroy South America, and then all these hurricanes and tsunamis will flood Australia and the melting icecaps will flood Antarctica. WarGames computers will respond throughout all of this by firing nuclear missiles that destroy everything else, and then the Star Wars missile defense system will wipe out all the spacecraft that may be in orbit, and so humanity will extinct, all because we discussed Sonic's love life. Hey I just heard an earthquake noise...it's already happening....I'm about to become one of the first victims of the catastrophe....these are my last words...here it comes...riognjmoserjgBOOM
[edit] Darth Katana X
Crank up the volume and make Microsoft Sam say swear words.
- As you can see, it is possible to have userpages that say this, no less.
Recently Darth Katana X (who has since apologized) vandalized my userpage a few times, so here I've saved it for posterity, because it was pretty funny:
<img src="http://www.geocities.com/masterthedisaster88/Picture.jpg" align="left"> Hello, I'm Yeltensic42.618, some retard who thought he'd clutter Darth Katana X's user discussion page with strong language. I did that for revenge. He deleted the crap I wrote about Sonic and Tails marrying each other! I am a retard, a retarded spammer who vandalises peoples' pages and throws profanity at thirteen year olds. Oh, and on the left you can see my beloved mommy. Darth Katana X doesn't call me an SOB for nothing!
I suck!
Just a warning, I'm obsessed with vandalism and I do my best to mentally scar thirteen year olds. In short, I suck. Stay away from me
From user talkpage:
I am retarded and I try to mentally scar thirteen year olds like Darth Katana X!!!
I am retarded! I love to vandalise! I do my best to mentally scar thirteen year olds! My mother is a Bulldog! I am lower than garbage! I am lower than dog crap! I am lower than a decroded piece of crap! I suck! I suck!
I suck!
I suck!
I suck!
I try to mentally scar Darth Katana X for fun because I'm bored, and I'm a total and complete retard!
I'm a vagrant!
I'm uneducated!
I'm a hobo!
I find my dinner in a trash can!
I suck! Hooray!
