Wikipedia:WikiProject Biography/Peer review/Armatus
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[edit] Armatus
Hello. This is another biographycal article I would submit for review. Please, let me know how it can be improved.--BlaiseMuhaddib 17:03, 27 August 2006 (UTC)
[edit] RelHistBuff
Here are my immediate comments following a quick look.
- In terms of structure it seems fine but it does appear to be written by someone whose first language is not English. That's ok, as that will only help to make the English Wikipedia that much richer, but then you need a native English editor to improve the writing and to go through a thorough copyedit. Hopefully you have other Wiki-editors to help out (maybe the ones who helped you on the Basiliscus article?). If you are alone, first try a spell checker ("amend" instead of "emend", "exercised" instead of "exercited", "rejoyced", "joying" etc.). You might try a grammar checker by simply copying/pasting into a word processor. There are some sentences that are currently incomprehensible and difficult to correct as an editor ("During his wandering, the people called him "Phyrrus",[5] either because he was of reddish complexion or deceiving him" - Does Phyrrus mean something related to red or to deceptions? If so then that needs to be explained to the non-specialist reader.).
- The lead section needs to be expanded and should be able to standalone as a summary of the article. You mentioned the year of his death but when was he born?
- The inline citations are good.
Good luck with the progress. RelHistBuff 13:03, 30 August 2006 (UTC)
- 1)I run it throught the spellchecker, I hope it is better now. However, a style refresh by a native speaker would be better
- 2)I feel the lead section already summarizes Armatus' role. Are you referring to something in particular missing? As regards his birth, I found no reference about it.
- --BlaiseMuhaddib 08:49, 4 September 2006 (UTC)
[edit] Plange
I corrected some grammar, but I was puzzled by this: "because he was of reddish complexion or deceiving him" -- on the deceiving part, it seems incomplete, unless you mean "because he was of reddish complexion or they were teasing him" --plange 01:14, 9 September 2006 (UTC)
- I corrected the text according to your suggestion.--BlaiseMuhaddib 22:19, 23 September 2006 (UTC)
- "either because he was of reddish complexion because they were deceiving him" -- sorry it still doesn't make sense... --plange 23:38, 23 September 2006 (UTC)
- "either because he was of reddish complexion or because they were teasing him", ok?--BlaiseMuhaddib 01:32, 24 September 2006 (UTC)
- Just want to make sure that's what you meant -- deceiving him would mean that they were lying to him, but teasing would mean that they were making fun of him. The former is what doesn't make sense, but I want to make sure that the latter is actually what you meant... If so, your last sentence above is correct. --plange 15:38, 24 September 2006 (UTC)
- Original text "And being called Pyrrhus by the mob of the people in their acclamations incited him to be fixated on this sort of repute; if they called him this because he had a ruddy complexion they were saying something reasonable, but if it was intended as praise of bravery they were beguiling [him] as [one would] a child; for he did not smite heroes like Pyrrhus, but he was a womanizer like Paris."[1] --BlaiseMuhaddib 16:59, 24 September 2006 (UTC)
- Cool, thanks! Yep, then I would use teasing or even mocking --plange 17:01, 24 September 2006 (UTC)
- Original text "And being called Pyrrhus by the mob of the people in their acclamations incited him to be fixated on this sort of repute; if they called him this because he had a ruddy complexion they were saying something reasonable, but if it was intended as praise of bravery they were beguiling [him] as [one would] a child; for he did not smite heroes like Pyrrhus, but he was a womanizer like Paris."[1] --BlaiseMuhaddib 16:59, 24 September 2006 (UTC)
- Just want to make sure that's what you meant -- deceiving him would mean that they were lying to him, but teasing would mean that they were making fun of him. The former is what doesn't make sense, but I want to make sure that the latter is actually what you meant... If so, your last sentence above is correct. --plange 15:38, 24 September 2006 (UTC)
- "either because he was of reddish complexion or because they were teasing him", ok?--BlaiseMuhaddib 01:32, 24 September 2006 (UTC)
- "either because he was of reddish complexion because they were deceiving him" -- sorry it still doesn't make sense... --plange 23:38, 23 September 2006 (UTC)
