Walter Koskiusko Waldowski

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M*A*S*H character
Painless Pole
Rank	Captain
Gender	Male
Hair color	Black
Eye color	Brown
Home city	Hamtramck, Michigan
Film portrayer	John Schuck
Television portrayer	None
First appearance	M*A*S*H: A Novel About Three Army Doctors
Last appearance	MASH

Capt. Walter Koskiusko "Painless Pole" Waldowski, DDS was a character in the film version of MASH. He was played by John Schuck. He was mentioned briefly (but not seen) in the pilot episode as a member of the camp, but otherwise not in the TV series.

[edit] In the movie

Although seemingly a minor character in the M*A*S*H lexicon, Waldowski's plight in the film was a major plot thread and was the source of the theme song, "Suicide Is Painless". The song had lyrics in the film, but the character was not used in the TV series (other than the brief reference in the pilot episode). That night, the doctors arrange to have the character Lt. Dish (Jo Ann Pflug) "inadvertently" find Waldowski lying in his coffin, awaiting what he thinks is his own demise. By the next morning, he has literally put the proverbial "big smile" on her face, and he turns up for breakfast at the mess tent, calm and completely free of anxiety.

[edit] Nickname

The character's name and situation form an elaborate series of plays-on-words.

• Being Polish and being a presumably "painless" dentist, "Painless Pole" is an apt nickname.
• Being "the best equipped dentist in the Army" is to be taken two ways, as it is made clear from the dialogue that he is a "well-endowed" man, referencing a colloquial alternative meaning of "pole".
• Because of a single incident where he failed in bed ("I must be a fairy!"), he wants to end his life. His fellow doctors pretend to help him by giving him a placebo that they tell him will eventually "put him to sleep". The song's title thus refers to both the method of suicide and to the dentist's nickname.

M*A*S*H

Film: MASH TV series: M*A*S*H | Trapper John, M.D. | AfterMASH | W*A*L*T*E*R Characters: Hawkeye Pierce | Trapper John McIntyre | Duke Forrest | B.J. Hunnicutt | Henry Blake | Sherman T. Potter | Frank Burns | Margaret Houlihan | Charles Winchester | Radar O'Reilly | Father Mulcahy | Maxwell Klinger | Igor Straminsky | Sidney Freedman | Col. Flagg | Spearchucker Jones | Ugly John | Walter Koskiusko Waldowski | Ho-Jon | Lieutenant Dish | Donald Penobscot Episodes: Season 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 Books: M*A*S*H: A Novel About Three Army Doctors | M*A*S*H Goes to Maine Related material: Continuity errors and anachronisms | Guest stars | Differences between book, film and TV versions of M*A*S*H | Suicide Is Painless