Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

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Phil Hartman as Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer

The Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer, whose name was Keyrock, was a recurring character played by Phil Hartman on Saturday Night Live. He had been a caveman who fell into a glacial crevasse during the Ice Age, preserving his body well enough that scientists who discovered him in 1988 were able to reanimate him. He subsequently elected to attend law school.

Keyrock was a defense lawyer and, in a later skit, a politician running for President. The running gag was that Keyrock would speak in a highly articulate and smoothly self-assured manner to a jury or an audience about how things in the modern world "frighten and confuse" him. He would list several things that confound him about modern life or the natural world such as, "When I see a solar eclipse, like the one I went to last year in Hawaii, I think 'Oh no! Is the moon eating the sun?' I don't know. I'm a caveman -- that's the way I think"; this would seem out of keeping with someone who had, for example, just ended a brisk cell phone conversation. He would always finish a disquisition, however, by asserting in a burst of pseudo-righteousness that nevertheless "There is one thing I DO know..." which is that his client is innocent or that he ought to be elected President of the United States. The jury or counsel is invariably swayed by Keyrock's argument. The role was a satire of cynical lawyers and politicians who disingenuously present themselves as simple, unsophisticated (and yet staunchly decent) folks in order to sway a jury or impress a constituency into identifying with them.

One episode was performed completely in Spanish.

Like many Saturday Night Live sketches, "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" was presented as a parody of a television show. During the opening and closing of the "show", the announcer would list some of the "show's" highly unusual sponsors such as "Big Fat Bean" ("Why eat a lot of little beans when you can eat one big bean?"); "Gas Plus" ("Actually gives you gas!"); "Dog Assassin" ("When you can't bear to put him to sleep, maybe it's time to call Dog Assassin"); "Cubic Yard of Earthworms" ("What you do with it is your business"); "Wilson Ear Drill" ("We don't recommend that you use an ear drill, but if you insist, why not get the best!") and the popular Happy Fun Ball ("still legal in 16 states - it's legal, it's fun, it's Happy Fun Ball!").

[edit] Quotes

"It's just 'Keyrock', your Honor.. and, yes, I'm ready. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW.. and run off into the hills, or wherever.. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, I wonder: "Did little demons get inside and type it?" I don't know! My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I do know - when a man like my client slips and falls on a sidewalk in front of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than two million in compensatory damages, and two million in punitive damages. Thank you."

—Phil Hartman as "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer", Saturday Night Live, November 23, 1991.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm just a caveman. I fell on some ice and was later thawed by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! When I see my image on the security camera at the country club, I wonder, are they stealing my soul? I get so upset, I hop out of my Range Rover, and run across the fairway to the clubhouse, where I get Carlos to make me one of those martinis he's so famous for, to soothe my primitive caveman brain. But whatever world you're from, I do know one thing: in the 20 years from March 22, 1972, when he first ordered that extra nicotine be put into his product, until February 25, 1992, when he issued an interoffice memorandum stopping the addition of that nicotine, my client was legally insane."