Wikipedia:The original Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense

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Bad Jokes and Other Deleted Nonsense

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Warning - do not smoke recreational substances while working on the wikipedia, or you too may produce entries like these:


[edit] Things to look out for

  1. Aliens
  2. Andrew Lloyd Webber Musicals
  3. Articles With Potential
  4. Bloodsucking Articles
  5. Communists
  6. Conspiracies
  7. Dangerous pages
  8. Pages that appear dangerous from a distance, but upon close examination are completely safe
  9. Ethnic humour
  10. Everything
  11. ThePieBot's small yet beautiful penis
  12. I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
  13. In-laws
  14. [Racial Slurs]
  15. Kings of Iceland
  16. Kitchen implements
  17. Pages not created by Willy on Wheels
  18. Politics and Government
  19. Really long articles
  20. Really short articles
  21. Really gay articles
  22. Really transexual articles
  23. Really heterosexual articles
  24. Really flambouyant articles
  25. Seemingly normal articles
  26. Secret Societies
  27. Your right-toeless Mom
  28. Stereotypes
  29. Sterosubtypes
  30. Terra-ists
  31. The Consequences caused by the Philadelphia Experiment
  32. The Yuletide Testament
  33. Toilets
  34. USA's Next Target
  35. Vanity pages
  36. Vegetables
  37. Wheeling Jesuit University
  38. Your Mom after shooting her left toe off
  39. Your Mom's uncle
  40. Anal warts
  41. Lard Prik
  42. Naconkantari

HOLY HUZZAHS PEOPLE CAN WRITE STUPID' THINGS!!

This is the internet

[edit] From Kevin the Kleptomatic and Ever So Slightly Flatulent Koala

blah

[edit] From 2109

2109-Many animals are taken over or eaten by robots, they are consumed as light snacks. Robots learn to reproduce with their gigantic huge and delicous metal d****. They become h---- 24/7.

Hilarious

One wonders exactly who first discovered the metal d****. Or how. Or WHY. Some people need a new hobby, methinks.


=O

[edit] From Kylie Minogue

From an old revision of Kylie Minogue:

+ She is the more beautiful and more talented older sister of Michael Jackson.

An anonymous user was inspired to append to this entry: She can't sing. She can't dance. She should go far. The moon would do.

[edit] From Fen

Fens were a 3-legged race of migrant smelly dwarves who nobody really liked but were uncertain how to get rid of in a nice way.They had a habit of making cucumber & eggy pies which tended to give them really awful gas which they had no qualms about sharing with whomever might be nearby.Although this was all done in a jovial nature it did not endear them in the least to the general population of England.Gertrit Mortldue is credited with ridding the Isles of them by starting a small, but effective, army of followers who befriended these dwarves and put gunpowder in their pies whenever they were not looking. Then the next time a Fen passed gas to a cohort he (or she) was blown to Smithereens. Smithereens is a small Isle off the coast of................

heehee [Off the coast of where?!? I must find this mysterious location!!!]

It's Alaska, for you're information.

you crazy fool, Smithereens is in scotland, behind the horseshoe bar.

No, i do believe that smithereens is located next to atlantis, in the atlantic ocean. It was submerged benief the waves, and when it rose, the dwarves were clean and friendly, and gave cucumber & eggy pies to everybody.

Saints preserve us! Everyone knows that Smithereens is truely a small island off the western coast of Ireland! Sheesh. What geographic illiterates.

Smithereens is from the Asian nation of Wongduckpee and whoflungdung first discovered by Ben Doon and Philip McCaverty with I P Knightly.

Smithereens is not a place name. The Smithereens are actually a rock band. When exploded, the Fens were obviously blown to wherever the Smithereens were currently playing a concert. I'm going to see them perform in several weeks. Is there a message you'd like me to pass along?

[edit] From Class warfare

It is better like an ostrich burying its head in the sand to not so view society.
An ostrich does not bury it's head in the sand. Rather is puts it's head flat on the ground to give the appearance of burying it's head in the sand If it were to bury it's head in the sand it would not be able to breathe properly due to lack of oxygen.

[edit] From Egyptian languages

A dead language that eventually not even Egyptians could read. The end.

[edit] From ixi jim ixi

So, does that make Latin a dead language that eventually not even latinos could read?

==From From Ur fat sister & canadien is a language that F***ing nobody can read

[edit] From Funeral

blah what does blah have to do with funerals?

[edit] From J. Edgar Hoover

President Richard Nixon's comment's on hearing that Hoover had just passed away ("That old cocksucker? We thought he was immortal.") cannot be taken literally, due to Nixon's well-documented predilection for prevarication.

Lationas are mexicens

[edit] From Cincinnati

America's most liveable city.

Located on the Ohio River across from Kentucky.

Not an (intentional) joke. Cincinnati was rated the #1 place to live in the 1993 "Places Rated Almanac"

[edit] From Idiosyncratic

My dad knew him.

[edit] From HareKrishna

(For more on little-known religions' positions on sex, see BokoNonism.)

Danielle Douche was walking home from boob surgery. She was very tired, because she had to operate on her own boobs. And because she was only a grade C student she had nothing but a pair of Scissors and a hoover. So she wanted to get fucked. She said -I'm gonna go down to da prostitute zone, and get me a man, with big muscles to match my big boobs. So as she was walking, she met Tom Cruise, a ten year old boy, who looked like a nerd and had bone rimmed glasses. S0o she said -Hey gorgeous, wanna get fucked-. he was so surprised because he had never been asked, by a girl, to get Fucked, that his answer was -Bleugh- He had fainted. So Danielle took him home and put him on her bed. When he came round, she tried to fuck him. His movements were so jerky that even father huppodo couldn't tell if that was sex or just some unsmooth moves. So she explaind to him her body. Afterwards he said -So what do I do with this floppy patato at the bottom-. So she explaind to him the floppy potato and the mushy peas in that shrivelled potato skin. So they fucked for 4 days strait. He loved it sooooo muuch, that he became an actor, so that he could do it more often...

The Story of Tom Cruise, by me

Thats not funny you clown.

-I disagree

[edit] From Actors

Q: How do you make a little box?

A: With little boards. ;-)

What do you mean by 'little box'?

I think they're talking about Ted's mom.

[edit] From Abraham Lincoln

Lincoln was shot at Ford's Theater. John F. Kennedy was shot in a Ford Lincoln. Gerald Ford was shot at, but they missed.

(Actually, this is supposed to be true. There was actually a wide range of coincidences involving the deaths of Lincoln and Kennedy. Quite a few of these can be verified. - Arno)
(Actually true, Lincoln shot in Ford theatre, Kennedy in a Ford Lincoln. Lincoln's secretary was called Kennedy, Kennedy's - Lincoln. Both wives dreamt assassination in advance.Both succeeded by a Johnson. [JTD]
(There are a wide range of instances with regards to any two things, most of them are pure luck. With regards to Lincoln/Kennedy, visit Urban Legends: Lincoln/Kennedy for more information.) - TimmyD 06:57 Apr 28, 2003 (UTC)
Kennedy's secretary was called Lincoln, but while Lincoln's secretary was called John, his last name was Nicolay, not Kennedy. --Marnen Laibow-Koser 17:23, 21 Oct 2004 (UTC)

It should be noted that week before their respected shootings, President Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland while President Kennedy was in Marylin Monroe. ;-)

Marylin Monroe - June 1, 1926 – August 5, 1962
The assassination of John F. Kennedy took place on Friday, November 22, 1963
Obviously necrophilia then.

Yeah but what a body -heh heh-

[edit] From Bad Bread Joke

Jonny went in to the bakers & asked for a loaf of bread.
Baker; "White or brown"
Jonny; "It doesn't matter, I'm on my bike."

I believe this joke may belong to the honourable tradition of "nonsense jokes", which have the appearance of logic, but ultimately defy logic, whence the humour. (But wait -- what if the road is muddy and going by bike makes any bread brown regardless of its original color due to splattering?) Others include:

Two nuns in a bath. One says "Pass the soap", and the other says "What am I, a radio?"

Man goes up to other man and says "Give me a bite of your apple". First man says "It's not a pear, it's a banana."

If I'm canoeing up a tree, how many cupcakes does it take to get to the moon? None, since vests don't have sleeves.

(ed. Queen of Fools) The purpose of the above jokes is something only acheived when the joke is actually told. It is almost impossible when you read them. The jokes, especially that about the nuns (can also be substituted with muffins, spatulas, or panda bears), are supposed to be told with the appearance that it is really funny, and once told, see which poor sap laughs at the joke. When you read it, you know that it makes no sense, but if you make someone think that it really is funny, they just don't get it...it all turns out okay! ;-D

The nuns joke quoted above actually appears to be a bowdlerised version of a dirty joke that was popular in British school playgrounds of the 1970's though it is possibly much older:

Two nuns in a bath. One says "Where's the soap?", and the other says "It does, doesn't it?"

It is possible that someone who didn't get the pun ("where's" sounds like "wears") and the sexual reference wrongly interpreted this as a nonsense joke and so assumed it was OK to change the punchline to anything random.

The bread joke probably is a nonsense joke, but it could also be interpreted: Jonny rides home on his bike through the muddy streets, therefore even white bread would be brown by the time he gets it home. The title "Bad Bread Joke" is equally amibiguous: the adjective "bad" could be modifying either "bread" or "bread joke". :-) Benc 15:13, Jul 22, 2004 (UTC)
This is a translation of a very old Slovenian nonsense joke. Zocky 01:14, 11 Sep 2004 (UTC)
The bread joke has also been interpreted as a racial joke about segregation. The man is on his bike, so regardless of the colour of his skin, he can still get home. If he'd been travelling on public transport, being brown (i.e. black) could have caused problems on his journey home. Ophelia 14:14, 18 January 2006 (UTC):

For some reason, particular words seem to be common in non-jokes (as they are also called). Polar bears, radios, tortoises. For instance:

Two polar bears are sitting on an iceberg. One falls in the water, the other turns to him and says "bye bye radio!"

A man walks into a bar with a tortoise on his head. He asks for some cheese. The bartender says "but this is a bar", so the man says "that's OK, the tortoise is paying". Grutness 13:41, 20 Oct 2004 (UTC)

I have a potato joke that is seriously funnier than all of these. Smooth Henry 17-Jan-04

It seems obvious that nonsense jokes were unintentionally invented by confused people who didn't get it when they are first told the story, intentionnally invented for the same people by the ones who do get it, and also created to demonstrate that some things are funny enough in essence and don't need any plot addition, things such as polar bears, a radio, a tortoise. Nonsense jokes are very natural, look at the platypus for instance. Izwalito 20:40, 6 Feb 2005 (UTC)

I don't think that joke with the punchline "that's OK, the tortoise is paying" really qualifies as a nonsense joke. It does have a punchline that vaguely makes sense. It's pretty much a non sequitur but not nonsense.

It has an OBVIOUS punchline - the man is confused on why it's not OK to order cheese. How is this a nonsense joke? There are tons of jokes exactly like it with the same confusion of why something is wrong. -Iopq 02:54, 28 October 2005 (UTC)

Here's how to make sense of the tortoise joke..

  A man walks into a bar with a tortoise on his head. (tortoises are old)
  He asks for some cheese.(you obviously cant buy that in a bar, also, you have to be of legal age to buy things in a bar)
  The bartender says "but this is a bar" (in reference to the cheese), 
  so the man says "that's OK, the tortoise is paying"(the man thought he was being told "you arent old enough to buy things in a bar", not "we dont serve cheese".)

All these jokes are made a lot funnier if you tell them with a group of friends who have already heard the joke, with one person that hasn't heard it. Everyone who knows in advance that it's nonsense will start laughing after the false punch-line, and the unlucky guy will think it's supposed to be funny but will have no idea whats going on. Best if the joke teller uses another joke of a similar nature, one that is equally as ridiculous, and says that it will explain the punch-line. Ex:

      "A cat and a fox are taking a bath, and the cat says to the dog "pass the soap," the dog replies "what do I look like, a radio?"
     Followed by: " a penguin walks to the top of an iceberg and says "RADDIIOOOO"
    Now watch your friend try to figure it out.  You can let him struggle for days.

The nun joke can be interpreted as a reference to soap operas.

[edit] From Agnostida

Trilobits that aren't entirely sure whether or not God exists. Just kidding.

Which humourless twit deleted this brilliant joke?

^Amen... There are precious few paleontology jokes this good.

[edit] From Cannabis

"balls for president"

Was this a reference to Clinton confessing he put a spliff in his mouth in England (where US law can't touch him) and claiming he didn't inhale? Kingal86 21:15, 19 Oct 2004 (UTC)

I'm sure it's not. But what would the US law matter, the act of smoking weed isn't illegal, and past use is also not a crime. And possession is illegal in the UK as well so what are you talking about!

well if your only tiff is whith the phrase (where US law can't touch him)i dont see how this makes the statement no longer valid. perenthisis signify what yur about to read dosent matter anyway =}

Parenthesis definetly do not mean that. For god's sake you are on wikipedia, look it up instead of just saying stuff.

[edit] From MAC address

Mac is also my wife's uncle, and a very nice old guy.

Big Mac addresses however, are something entirely different.

WHO HO HO!!

[edit] From New World Order

Hitler is not dead. The Germans cloned him just before he "died". Hitler and the new world order are behind this. Also, There are some new additions to the New World Order. These new additions are Mussolini, Stalin, Feidel Castro, Atillia the Hun, Genghis Kahn, and Sadam Hussein. --Note- Atillia and Genghis Khan are the descendants of the original people-- they hijacked the planes that hit the world trade center and the Pentagon. (OMG OMG hitler is strangling me)

[edit] From History of computing

The Flintstones used devices to aid in computation millions of years ago, for instance the abacus.

Did their abacus make sardonic comments like their other household appliances? Michael Sidlofsky 03:06, 25 Nov 2004 (UTC)

July 14 2006 Like when Homer was building that church in The Simpsons, i think he was mixing cement in a pelicans beak, to whence he stated "If the flintstones have taught us anything, its that animals make great tools, Hee hee hee, now say somthing in a dismissive mannor, like (sigh), it's a living..." at this point, it became apparent the bird had died in the mixing process, much to the viewee's delight in comical refernce.

[edit] From Muslim Language

Where's the joke? Why does every other group get made fun of execpt muslims?

But there is a secret language taught by the Prophet (peace be upon him) to his closest disciples, which only in this century has become publicly known. See http://www.geocities.com/muslimdict (enemies of Allah delete truth of his Prophet from this page, but Allah shall have HIS VENGANCE! they shall be cursed by Allah and go to HELL when they die! they are pagans and infidels and enemies of Islam, who deny the secret language revealed by Muhammad the prophet of Allah)

Ooooh, grow up, you. I liked that joke about the little box made out of little boards.

How do you put an elephant in the fridge?

           Open the door, and put him in.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

           Open the door, get the elephant out, put the giraffe in and close the door

There was a party, in which all animals participated save one - which animal was it?

           The giraffe.  It's in the fridge.

As you are going home to let the giraffe out of the fridge, you come to a river in Africa. There is a sign that says, DANGER, ALLIGATORS. There is no boat, and no bridge. How do you get across?

           Just swim across. The alligators are all at the party.

Actually...

This is a quotation from an actual study in communications that was done by some researchers a while ago. The point of the line of questioning was that 5 and 6 year olds could understand questions and retrain conditions and facts better than adults.

Actually Actually... You're all good at the river in Africa, because There Are No Alligators In Africa. Just crocodiles.

Actually Actually Actually... Whoever wrote the sign would have been wrong, sure. That should be some consolation while you're getting eaten by crocodiles.

SOMEONE missed the point. There are no crocodiles either. Every animal (which includes all alligators AND crocodiles) is at the party, save for the giraffe, who is in the fridge.


GOOSE


FNORD!

[edit] From 831

In 831, a man named josephintee falltoay had befouled a villager who then placed a curse on the man and then he was forever to walk the earth as skeleton until he could kill the great great great great great great grandson of the man who placed a curse on Josephintee.

Kids, don't do drugs. :-)

[edit] From talk:Mammalia

"(Linnaeus named the order mammals for their breasts because he wanted to encourage women to breast-feed their infants.)"

Really?! Who knew they had formula way back then!

[edit] From JohnnyCash

The following seems to be a prose poem about the famous American country singer, JohnnyCash:

"Johnny walked the line, rock island line, on an orange blossom special, fell into a burning ring a' fire, had a boy named sue, on a sunday morning sidewalk, got busted for picking flowers in alabama? georgia?, bennie and the jets.. ain'choo worried 'bout gettin' your nourishment down in florida? i don't care if i do, die, do, die, do.. '56 '57 '58 '59 '61 '62 automobile, folsom prism blues, now slingin rubensesque metallica, waits, revival waddever songs of sin and redemption"

[edit] From Bird

Birds go "GAW GAW!" which stands for "God Always Wins! God Always Wins!", which shows that birds do praise God and indeed go to heaven, in accordance with His divine providence. And don't even try and tell me this is wrong, because my freshman year theology teacher said it was true, and you wouldn't call an 80 year old retired Marine Officer and now a Benedictine Monk a liar, would you? Huh? Would ya, punk?

I would. Especially since birds don't go "GAW GAW"
I would too, because I don't even believe in God.68.18.103.98 17:35, 24 November 2005 (UTC)

It's true, I just leaned over and asked God and he said it was.

Yeah...the previous poster asked me on my talk page.--Lwieise -=- Talk to Me 11:00, 1 May 2006 (UTC)
According to the official translation of God always win in french (Dieu gagne toujours), birds in france should go "DGT-DGT"... But they go "CUI-CUI", so what's wrong?? Whistopathe 21:51, 2 June 2006 (UTC)
The French are Stupid and I think that pretty much sums it all up right there... --137.244.215.19 20:43, 29 November 2006 (UTC)

[edit] From Algorithm

The term should not be confused with "Algoreism" -- meaning an embarassingly funny remark attributed to Al Gore, such as, "I invented the Internet".

This should be put back in IMMEDIATELY!!!-- Retinarow 18:27, 31 March 2006 (UTC)

Indeed.

Even though only Ann Cunter used the term "invented". Al Gore used the term "created", in reference to his pushing for early research into the internet when he was a senator-DICK HEAD! Miller 17:56, 19 June 2006 (UTC)

Kashami 02:02, 12 June 2006 (UTC)

[edit] From a justification for an edit given by a Wikipedian

"I'm a twerp. I don't want to know the truth, nor do I care about the truth. Everyone else that bothers coming in contact with me are buffoons. That's why I don't like talking to other people because of my higher intelligence. If you disagree with me you are a imbecile and I will stop at nothing to prove it, even if it means lying and distortion of the truth. " Actually, i disagree with this

[edit] From Eep

eep opp ork aah-aah

The above line is the chorus of a song featured in the Hanna-Barbara cartoon, The Jetsons. In the classic episode 'A Date With Jet Screamer', George's daughter Judy enters a songwriting contest in order to win a date with her singing idol, Jet Screamer. On his way to mail her entry, George reads her lyrics. Finding them terrible, he decides to subsitute his son Elroy's secret message code (eep opp ork aah-aah). The entry wins the contest and Judy goes on a date with Jet Screamer. George follows them and ends up playing drums in Jet Screamer's band.

the monkey says i love you

A stunning redition of the song, Eep Opp Ork Ah Ah (Means I Love You), has been done by the Violent Femmes. --LittleRobotWoman

It was also covered by the Dickies in the soundtrack to Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

This stuff is true, why is it here?

isn't it continued by bing bang, wanna wanna bing bang?

No that's from some Rugrats movie where someone (I think possibly monkeys) are singing: Ooh ee Ooh Aah Aah, Bing Bang, Walla Walla Bing Bang, Ooh ee Ooh Aah Aah, Bing Bing Walla Walla Bing Bang . . . or something like that.

The above two paragraphs confuse the Jetsons song with the mid-twentieth century American novelty song "Witch Doctor", whose lyrics include "Ooo Eee Ooo-Ah-Ah, Ting, Tang, Walla-walla Bing Bang". If these words were used in the Rugrats Movie, it is likely that they were derived from that song. Although they probably do not mean "I Love You", the words are those uttered by the witch doctor in response to being told that the writer was in love with the person being addressed in the song.

To expand on this, the song "Witch Doctor" was written and performed by Ross Bagassarian under his stage name "David Seville" in 1958. This was the prototype of "Alvin and the Chipmunks" and pioneered multi-track recording and sound modification techniques. In fact, all this information can be found right here: <a href=" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alvin_and_the_Chipmunks"> </a> -- ChefFrank


i make an "eep" noise when poked.. does that count for anything?

--unless you're a Macintosh, no.

[edit] From 2Pac

2Pac was the greatest of all time, and continues to be. Trash the government and all them niggaz who shot him down. Damn, they can't stand a nigga toppin the charts. Thug in Peace my nigga 'Pac.

Well someone hated him enough to want to kill him...so i'm gonna go with he wasnt THAT popular :)

Considering the music charts today? I don't think so. -Chavous

I agree with Chavous... Next I'll be hearing that Ryan Seacrest is the best radio deejay because all he plays is rap and R&B... - Karen

2pac is the greatest black man to ever live. too bad he is also the only black man to ever live. because black people dont really exist. its just a plan made up by the government to keep us from killing all the jews whom hitler thought were mexicans that are actually arabs which brings me to my next point cell phones were invented by the devil.


I shot 2Pac. Yes, it was for his shoes. Gotta love them name-brand sneakers. ~Ryv

African American 1: Whatchoo' smokin' there, foo?

African American 2: BAARRRRRRHHHCYCLES

[edit] From Jon Voight

Jon Voigt is semi-gay, resulting in his bisexual daughter.

2pac is living in the bahamas under the suedoname of jaunicous broder, thats why they are still coming out with songs since 1994 when he was supposed to have died. amen from sleepy


i resent those comments...(about 2 pac)

[edit] From KGB, listed as heads of the KGB

Kapil Jain March 13 1954 - December 8 1958
Sharon Stone December 25 1958 - November 13 1961
Demi Moore November 13 1961 - May 18 1967 Kalashi Grast Borcsht March 13 1954 - November 6 1991

[edit] From Hippopotamus

Hippos are just too cool for school!

no, actually, there are a couple in my geometry class...they take up a bit of room, but the teacher doesn't mind :)

There's also some who are as fat/thick as them.

Note: Above link broken.

This one works.

Note: Also broken.

Then what's a hippocampus?

Actually, there's a hippo in my 5th grade class. His name is Paul. -User:KinseyLOL

A hippocampus is a mythological animal with the head of a horse and the body of a fish. So, much like a mer-horse. Anyone making a sea-horse joke WILL be shot.

In soviet rrussia, horse seas YOU!!

beep The hippocampus is the memory center of the brain

[edit] From Henotheism

Describe the new page here. There exists GOD. He is so great that in order for us to understand him, he shows himself in more than one way (TRINITY). However, EVOLUTION was not the creation of godthefather. The angels were. They were "perfect" in everyway. godthefather (mr-know-it-all) created angels (minigods, gods of the pantheon), each one to display his myriad of emotions. But, as the chinese proverb Goes, a house divided against itself cannot stand. These "emotions" were conflicting and "running rampant" in "heaven". Similar to Nordic mythology it had three main players: Odin(mr know it all), Thor (Jesus Christ), and Loki (not satan, no, the HOLY SPIRIT, who moves in mysterious ways, who is the ultimate master of disguise and INTRUIGE. Think, chinese proverb in relation to the Trinity). So anyway, loki pisses off thor, thor comes to save the world, but "Marvel Comics" leaves this part out: THOR DIES, in the most altruistic mode (think Jesus Christ and SELF SACRIFICE) or think outside of the box, think SOCRATES. So after "Thor" makes this ultimate fool out of his "warrior image", men scoff at him (much like the "pharisees") scoffed at Christ. So what happens is that "Evolution" is created. Man doesn't see the need to sacrifice himself. Only the self righteous (you know who I'm talking about, the born again baptist fundamentalists) try to recreate Christ's crucifixion in their daily lives, but they miss the big picture: THEY HAVE NO RIGHT SACRIFICING THEMSELVES IF JESUS WAS TRULY 'thor'. Maybe Jesus thought he was invincible, much like the action hero "thor", but he didn't count on the resourcefulness of "evil". That is, ahem, the ability for minds to change and turn against the one who has the "answers" out of any "emotion". Gentlemen, what I am trying to explain is that in this point of evolution, man is nothing but an extremely complex, extremely "narcissictic" ANIMAL. If man is to ever be perfect he has to return to his mr-know-it-all way of thinking. Man has to emulate small things at first, like computers, but eventually, maybe, man will live beyond physical limitations, beyond science, beyond THE HUMAN MIND. The human mind is the only AI that is ever gonna exist. The human mind is "The Matrix". The human mind has conjured up legends of the most perfect angel (LUCIFER) "the ultimate narcissist (tried to play god.......genetics maybe?)" and God the Father "threw him out of paridise". If that isn't the ultimate parody on today's reality, I don't know what is. In order for the human brain to reach its potential, it's state of "COMPUTER" instead of its state of BOMIS, is for people to start being honest, upfront, and carrying a big motherfucking stick to back it up. That's the only way the "Animal" listens in the end: INSTINCT. This word that you are creating means, follow your instincts to the "PROMISED LAND".

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ... SOUNDS REASONABLE TO ME! :-)

Sounds like some Polar bear needs to quit listening to his radio.--Awhit003 06:08, 22 September 2005 (UTC)

What if we dont want to be perfect?

The "House Divided" proverb isn't Chinese. It's from Matthew 12:25.

[edit] From Brown

Brown commonly refers to taking a huge shit, the most high!!!!! he will rule the universe with an iron toilet seat! His wrath will fall from the sky like ......something that ....falls...from..the sky? Also, Brown, Alton, host of Good Eats, commonly known as the best chef on the Food Network, viewing food and cooking with an offbeat, fun, and scientific eye.


PEN 15


There is also rumor of a "Brown Note" with causes people to become quezy and crap their pants. Myth Busters Supposedly proved this to be false, however my vehicle is so sealed with windows up that when i roll down both back windors it causes a pulsating and very low pitched vibration. This noise tends to make me very sick quickly. And you care because...I don't know..but you read this far.

[edit] From Hot Grits

I just poured HOT GRITS down my pants

Ow.


The funniest line from a movie is in The Wood where they try to buy grits at a store. Taye Diggs is SO FUNNY

[edit] From CARROTS

WELCOME TO THE OFFICIAL CARROTS HOME PAGE ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB!! CARROTS ARE A VEGETABLE. YOU CAN EAT THEM IN SALADS AND SOUPS. YOU CAN EAT THEM IN DESERTS AND JAIL. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION ON CARROTS.


   Can you eat other vegetables in jail as well, or will that affect your parole hearing?

Ahh, the inestimable beauty of the zeugma.

Your hearing - parole or otherwise - should remain unaffected but if you do not eat carrots you may experience deterioration of your parole eyesight.

Donkeys like carrots Carrots don't like donkeys It's silly, but it's funny French child-song

FNORD!

[edit] From How to tell the origin of an accent (Hebrew)

Sometimes they yell at each other or slam on table but they don't mean to be rude, it is just the way they speak.

[edit] From Erica Fishbein-Gold

Erica s a wpner of a woman. She glides through the air with the greatest of ease, yes she glides through the air in a flying trapeze. She jumps and she shouts and she does sorts of things she can do anything because of what she brings to the park and the class of the grade of one two she has two feet and on each a shoe. Yay Erica.

[edit] From Clam Dip

Clam Dip: The god of soggy potato chips in modern mythology.

Clam Dip is the son of Hera (god) and Walky (mortal); however, he seems to take mostly after his father.

His powers include, but are not limited to: Conjuring potato chips, superfast munching and silly jokes.

[edit] From Battle of Tsushima

russian meet japan for a naval fight. russia start to loose but then the russian avatar came down and ate all of the japs. the japs could do nothing but summon godzilla. godzilla and the russian avatar named the Czar fought for many years until king kong stopped them, and then the three of them went and fought motha!


You mean "Mothra", right? ok, thats just plain stupid

[edit] From Henry David Thoreau

Thoreau went into the woods and made love to trees. No kidding. He actually had sexual intercourse with them. Far out, huh?

That would hurt if he got a splinter. Aviatophobiac 14:40, 24 July 2006 (UTC)

[edit] From the deleted article Millions of worthless entries

What is the Wikipedia

[edit] From most popular family names

  • Australia
    • Dundee?

(editor's note: for the record, 99.9% of Australians are as likely to run into a crocodile as a resident of Portland, Oregon is to run into an alligator.)

(But aren't we all editors?)
(editor's note: yes ... yes, we are)

(Further note: By contrast, despite their cumbersome mode of locomotion, Australian babies seem to be as likely to run into a hungry dingo as a resident of Los Angeles, California is to run into a traffic jam.)

Do you mean they don't have alligators in Oregon, or they do? Kingal86 21:18, 19 Oct 2004 (UTC)

Of course they don't have them there, except in zoos. The weather gets really really cold and wet there every fall, getting down to a few degrees above freezing and 100% humidity. 07:11, 31 Jan 2005 (UTC)

That is a bold and blatant lie. You besmirch the weather of Oregon. Many of my best Oregonian friends keep pet gators in their backyard ponds. They thrive there far better than in the Outback.

It's not a lie if you live in the Willamette Valley. If you live in other zones, the weather may be different. Where do you live? Max 20:17, 16 August 2005 (UTC)

In Alphen a/d Rijn of course!

Aren't they called crocodiles if they're in Australia? --ChadThomson 06:54, 28 November 2005 (UTC)

crocodiles and alligaters are different animals, and us aaustralians all have pet crocs!

Also, all Australians are criminals, or descendents of criminals. They must be treated as such at all times.

crocodiles: god's answer to Queensland

I have yet to see a wild croc but I have seen a dingo.

Not all Australians are descendants of criminals, some of us are descendants of illegal immigrants or Vikings, like myself

Oregon is actually a state of many climates. While in the Willamette Valley (where I live) the statement is true, but if you live East of the Cascades, you will have colder, drier weather in the winter. In Southern Oregon, where I grew up, the weather is similar to Eastern Oregon. Just so y'know. Of course, an alligator or a crocodile could never survive in either climate.

I have a dog that is descended from a dingo and I love Oregon, alligators and all.

[edit] From Cactolith

A cactolith is a quasihorizontal chonolith composed of anastomosing ductoliths whose distal ends curl like a harpolith, thin like a sphenolith, or bulge discordantly like an akmolith or ethmolith.

(note: A google search shows that this quote is actually in a 1953 geology book, Hunt, Charles B.; Paul Averitt and Ralph L. Miller Geology and Geography of the Henry Mountains Region, Utah ...)

That doesn't make it any the more intelligible...

(Info about the writer of that 1953 paper, Charles B. Hunt: ---- "Whilst he was in fact describing an actual geological feature - a Laccolith which he saw as resembling a cactus - he was also, tongue-in-cheek, commenting on what he saw as an absurd number of "-lith" words in the field of Geology". ---- taken from AAR)

Do not confuse with Catholic.

"Cacto" in Greek means cactus. "Lith" is actually a Greek word meaning "stone" or "rock". Hence Cactolith would be a "stone cactus"

A cactus stone, actually, not a stone cactus

[edit] Marx and Marx

[edit] From United States Army

The United States Army is a great deal more famous due to the image below: http://adfware.free.fr/gay/cupashutdafuckup.jpg

Lol, thanks for re-posting it where it belongs ;).

I have that picture taped to my door

[edit] From Commerce, Georgia

Commerce is the home of many famous, and well-endowed red-headed women. These are available in the many outlet malls around this grumpy town off I-85 in north Georgia

For the record, this is factually true.

No Men?

[edit] From Ahmed Alnami

Terrorism aside, he was actually quite a good looking guy.

Dude, I would...

[edit] From Microsoft

Win·dows

Noun.

A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor which was written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition. -LW

Oh, come on. This is certainly true, even if the "secondary" meanings of the words are bias. It's also an brief statement of Window's history
But Microsoft didn't write it in the beginning. Herorev 07:47, 17 May 2006 (UTC)
This is actuall true, Xerox was the first to create the GUI operating systems, Apple copied them, then Microsoft copied Apple.
This should be put back in, its hilarious but true. Davis W 10:21, 05 November 2006 (UTC)

[edit] From Insect

Let's not overlook the (genus?) Nupedia, a kind of fly! ;-)

  • There actually is such a fly, though it's not mentioned often, and I'm not sure whether it's a genus, subgenus, old name, or what. It's in the family Anthomyiidae. -phma

[edit] From Drexel Shaft (now deleted)

The Drexel Shaft is more than a building. It's a metaphor for everything Drexel University will screw you over on. Things like lost health insurance forms, six fire drills in a week, being forced out of your dormatory every time a break exceeds three days... those and more are what makes Drexel so special!

Legend has it that every time a student gets screwed over by the University, it grows another inch.

Why was this deleted? Ask anyone at Drexel about the Drexel Shaft and this is their definition. The secondary definition is that it is a building.
(I resubmitted this entry, since it seemed to fit nicely with the sentiments many college students feel about being lost in the paper chase. Maybe it was removed due to copyrights, but it does convey some of the important college culture. --JD)

Being a freshman about to leave for Christmas break, I too can feel the effects of The Drexel Shaft. I dread the fire drill that will come in the middle of a January night when both elevators are broken (again) while I sleep in my 9th floor room. I would also like to say that it is an honor to have the university be known for this.

Also known as the elevators in Kelly Hall, an eleven story dorm, that break on the average of once every fourteen hours.

[edit] From Popper

Put your text for the new page here. POPPERS GIVES U A BANGING HEADACHE AND IT LOOSENS YOUR ARSEHOLE MAINLEY FOR GUY PEOPLE AND RECHEADS

[edit] From Bob Marley

Miami, Florida, May 11 1981 - Remember when Bob Marley brought reggae to life in the 1960s and 1970s? Now he is dead, and as a result, so is reggae. Marley, 36, was giving a tour at Miami, Florida, when there was a sudden outbreak of testalgia. Testalgia is a fatal disease that causes the testicles to shrink and harden. Anyway, Bob Marley caught the disease while giving his concert, and a minute later, he felt his testicles shriveling up. He had to announce in public that he was dying of testalgia and therefore could not continue the show. The audience booed. He died a few minutes later, and everyone felt sad. It was the end of the reggae era. The next day, everyone in the city came to his funeral. As the "apostle of reggae", as Marley was known, was laid to rest at the cemetery, the people of Miami all watched in horror. Recently in to Miami from New York City, pop/rock superstar Billy Joel, who heard about Bob Marley's death, wrote two songs at once, both about the death. They were, of course, "Miami 2017 (a.k.a. "Seen The Lights Go Down On Broadway") and "Only The Good Die Young." These two songs were released together as a hit single and later on Joel's new album "Rest In Peace."

After Marley's death, "Rest In Peace" hit the top of the Best-Selling Albums Charts. By the end of May, 99.9 percent of all Americans owned at least one copy of the album. The money that everyone had spent on this super-popular album went to a fund that supported a charity to end the Miami Testalgia Outbreak. Protesters held up signs that said, "End Testalgia." Joel came and wrote the lyrics to a new song of the same title, while his good friend and touring partner Elton John wrote the music. Together, they performed the song live in front of the whole city. After their performance, President Reagan came to Miami to give extra support to the End Testalgia Fund (ETF). Later, on 106.7 Lite Fm, Elton John and Billy Joel sang "End Testalgia" once more, then hosted the Lite Fm Testalgia Special. After the Special was over, John and Joel prepared for their next tour at the Miami Garden Theatre. At their tour, they sang "End Testalgia" as well as their new hits from Joel's "Rest In Peace" and John's "Honky Cat." They sang some of their older hits as well. The tour was both a great success and a great way to raise money for the ETF. The ETF kept collecting money, and soon it had enough to end testalgia once and for all. The supporters of the fund came up with a way to create a vaccination that could permanently get rid of testalgia. In honour of this, Elton John and Billy Joel, still on stage, performed better than ever before in their respective careers. Their incredible musical performances communicated the joy of success of civilization. It was much like the parades in the communist countries, except this performance was a consequence of a real success, and most importantly the joy was real. As the rocking audience was receiving their testalgia vaccinations, Elton John and Billy Joel rocked ever harder, refusing to stop the rocking - they in fact ignored any outside interference until their testicles hardened, and they both died of testalgia, Billy Joel first falling into the fabulous soft embrace of Elton John, who died exactly forty-two seconds later.

I believe that Fm should rather be rendered FM.

This is quite weird. It's true that Bob Marley died on tour, but it was from cancer. Also, Elton John is alive and well.

[edit] From Battle of Otford

THE BATTLE OF OTFORD IS STILL ONGOING, I HAVE A BATTLE TO PARK MY CAR EVERY TIME I GO THERE

Actually the battle of Otford was a commercial stunt that didn`t work out, funded by the McDonalds company, intending to sell more computers

[McDonalds doesn`t sell computers, do they?]

that`s why it didn`t work out

[edit] From Wikipedia:Vandal bots

Vandal bots are malicous programs which deliberatley vandalise wiki based websites, these bots can wreck websites at an amazing rate. To imfamous vandal bots include

Ram-Man Bot, This bot autogenerated 50,000+ articles about EVERY settlement in the united states, using us census data. The articles are nothing but complete nonsence, and it DDOSed Wikipedia for several weeks.

Sciplius, this bot automaticly deletes articles at random..

Vandal bots are very malicous, but blocking them is almost impossible, it is up to the community to keep the wikipedia free from vandal bots, there could be new attacks in the future.

[side note from a n00b: people, what's wrong with this /\ ???]
I think the joke is that those are legitimate bots. The Rambot, for example, was designed to create and update U.S. city information. See Wikipedia:Bots. --Jeff 17:54, Jan 24, 2005 (UTC)

[edit] From Danielle Brisbois

She became addicted to beer and cheescake, in 1988 she was admitted to a New York hospital weighing in at 450 lbs. She now lives in Rhode Island with her husband and mother in law, together they design fashions for extra large women.

[edit] From Witness (1985 movie)

It was filmed in Intercourse, Pennsylvania, although no intercourse actually is shown in the film

Oh, I thought it was filmed in Intercourse, Virginia. A far better place to be!

[edit] From Cristóbal Colón

I always thought he was an ass. Now I know he's a colon.

[edit] From Oatmeal

Oatmeal contains small monsters that eat excess fat and help aid resfull sleep.

[edit] From Secret decoder ring

BPM TMBBMZ M QA BPM UWAB NZMYCMVB

(Bpqa qa rcab i Kimaiz kqxpmz eqbp iv 8-tmbbmz apqnb.)

Transliteration for your convenience -- John Owens :
THE LETTER E IS THE MOST FREQUENT
(This is just a Caesar cipher with a 8-letter shift.)
  • What was wrong with this? - Calmypal 02:30, 11 Nov 2003 (UTC)
  • Why is this page even editable? - The forging of bad jokes could make them real facts (e.g. if I insert the sentence "Zach Braff had a line in Scrubs quoting Secret decoder rings, including the exclamation <<form of an ice menorah!>>")

[edit] From Center for Strategic and International Studies

the martians are invading earth! they demand plastic cup holders for unspeakable acts of alien reproduction rituals!

[edit] From Unwritten article

Unwritten article:

  1. A piece of writing not yet completed
  2. This!

[Ed note: Don't you mean: "Thi..." ?]

[edit] From Amoeba

Most ameobae range from about 1 mm. But in Japan a 30 foot long amoeba was found after the atomic blast in Hiroshima. It is the largest recorded amoeba in history and has devoured two human beings. if you see this amoeba it is recommended to run for higher land. if you are in water dive under and swim to the safety of the land. Do not feed this amoeba because it will become even hungryer and chase you until it has devoured you too. This happened to the two humans. Many small dogs are missing so if you have a small pet keep it inside and away from water!

This deserves a Pullet Surprise. --Ashi
Hahaha, this is hilarious!
Amazing. Simply amazing.
Nice.
Actually, the largest amoeba is 11,000 miles wide, floats randomly in space, and feeds off raw energy.

[edit] From Peristalsis

Peristalsis is a condition which occurs when one listens to the music of Steve Perry. The falsetto vocals invoke a constriction of the sphincter muscles to a degree which inhibits defecation. This condition birthed the familiar phrase "I don't give a shit about Steve Perry" which is quite likely the case.

wtf

[edit] From Jehovah's Witnesses

They were fed to lions by Nero Caesar. They were thrown into the fiery furnace by Nebuchadnezzar. They are currently targetted by the secret cabal which is setting up the New World Order(tm).

[edit] From Aibohphobia

Aibohphobia is the term used to describe an irrational fear or phobia of palindromes. The word is of course a palindrome itself.

This shouldn't've been deleted; it's not a joke. It's a well-known term. It may seem silly but then if people can be scared of clowns, surely a fear of palindromes is no less ludicrous
Hooray for Irony.

uh, this isnt ironic...stop listening to alanis morsett...

(Side note: I thought Aibohphobia was the fear of robotic dogs.)

[edit] From Emily Dickinson

She wrote stuff about the tree that thoreau had sex with. Then she went crazy and died.

[edit] From John F. Kennedy, Jr.

The russian mob was chasing Kennedy in a slow speed through Dallas on the day his father was shot. This child fell out of the back of the car. Hewas picked up by chinese intelligence officers. they sent him to siberia where the Russian mob thought he would perish. A pack of wolves took Jr. under the paws and raised him. He was released into his moms custody by the intelligent wolves. The wolves died shortly after.

This is based off the Romulus and Remus story of the founding of Rome isn't it. Inspired, if not technically accurate.

After leaving the wolves, Jr. Kennedy raised a town called Pittsburg

[edit] From Linda Lovelace and the free Congo state

Of course Linda Lovelace was a victim of Capitalist exploitation But this was nothing compared to the Genocide in the Congo

It must be noted that the integration of traditional economies in the Congo within the framework of the modern, capitalist economy was particularly exploitative. Leopold?s fortunes, ploughed back into monumental buildings in Brussels, for instance, was made mainly on the proceeds of Congolese rubber, which had never been mass-produced in surplus quantities.

Exploitation of the Dutch East Indies, French Indochina, German Southwest Africa, Rhodesia, and South Africa paled in comparison to that of the Belgian Congo. The fortunes of King Leopold II, for instance, the famed philanthropist, abolitionist, and self-anointed sovereign of Congo Free State (1885)?76 times larger geographically than Belgium itself?and those of the multinational concessionary companies under his auspices, were mainly made on the proceeds of Congolese rubber, which had historically never been mass-produced in surplus quantities. Between 1880 and 1920 the population of Congo thus halved; over 10 million ?indolent natives? unaccustomed to the bourgeois ethos of labor productivity, were the victims of murder, starvation, exhaustion induced by over-work, and disease. Some historian compares this death toll in the Congo to the Holocaust.

[edit] From Pat Kenny

He became an unexpected sex symbol after presenting the 1988 Eurovision Song Contest and was forced to leave Ireland for a short period as a result for his own safety.

  • Nickname in college was "The Plank".
  • Is reported to have bedded over 40 show girls.
  • Was once a trainee priest, but was forced to leave the seminary over allegations of sexual relations with a nun.
  • Was once suspected of being "The Midnight Commando", a Batman-style vigilante who fought night crime in late 1970s Dublin
  • Once claimed to have travelled to space in "a giant hat". No-one believed him. Except Sven.
  • Sleeps naked in a polythene bag which he believes gives him great sexual prowess.
  • While this may be true, he has been locked up for life for a fiasco involving certain well known puppets, which allegedly "warped the minds of children everywhere". He now co-hosts a daytime T.V. show for minors called "Love in the Nick", on Nickelodeon.

He did present the Song Contest, may have been called The Plank (it sums up his 'charisma-deficit') and did have a staged run-in with three children's TV puppets (to try to give him a personality!) but the rest is 100% fiction. What was the author smoking at the time?

Was the writer of this article a scriptwriter for "Father Ted"?
I dunno, it seems a pretty accurate description of Pat Kenny to me...

[edit] From a deleted page titled wikibrig

A Wikibriq is conceived as Fabric of connected Bricks, each bridging two mutually instructive concepts. Particular emphasis is given to their connotations, and how any one of them may realize the vis-a-vis.

Conceivably, an example begins in the realm of Seinfeld.

This page itself (whatever We're supposed to make of that) is meant not to interfere with the preferences expressed through Talk:Autodidact at the Fountain square.

[edit] From wikibrig's talk page

A modest example begins in the realm of Seinfeld. Connotations regarding the suggested syntax are only meant to be instructive about the concept itself, and may be articulated ideally by using it.

[`[ab~Newman:Loves|Elain],]

[`[ab~George:Alter_Ego|Vandelay],]

[`[ab~Kramer:Alter_Ego|Van_Nostrand],]

[`[ab~Kramer:ab~Alter_Ego|Pennypecker],]

[`[ab~Kramer:ab~Smarts|(For reasons perhaps only known to the author(s).)],]

[`[ab~Seinfeld:Alter_Ego|(unknown)],]

[`[ab~Seinfeld:Likes|Baseball],]

[`[ab~Seinfeld:Familiarity|Cal Ripken, Jr.],]

[`[ab~Seinfeld:ab~Alter_Ego|Cal_Varnsen],]

[`[ab~Seinfeld:Sense|inspired],]

[`[ab~Seinfeld:ab~Alter_Ego|not Karl_Varnsen],]

[`[ab~Seinfeld:The_Factory|Convertible],] ...


[`[ab~Seinfeld:ab~Mode_of_Transportation|It's a Turbo?!],]

Perhaps, if the Wikibriq concept were allowed to manifest itself, unremarkable constructions such as

[`[ab~Kramer:Template:Ab~Character:ab~Smarts|(For reasons perhaps only known to the author(s).)],]

or

[`[ab~Seinfeld:Alter_Ego|(Template:Ab~Null:Yet To Be Determined)],]

may be avoided.

Frank W ~@) R, Jan. 7th, 19:27 (PST).


...what?

[edit] From Neighbours

Its success is mainly due to the character Harold Bishop, whose fantastic wobbly cheeks were a hit with the ladies. Also great storylines and his antics with a tuba went down a treat.

Edit - This is perfectly true. It's the only reason I watch the programme!

[edit] From Esquiline

This is where squirrels lived in ancient Rome after their persecution by Titus Andronicus in the 4th Century BC. Wasn't Titus Andronicus a figment of Shakespeare's imagination?

[edit] From Viagra

"Thanks, Pfizer!!!! uuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh!!!" (I'm sexy now!)- MoniQue

[edit] From Complex analysis joke

Q: Why is the integral around Poland nonzero?

A: Because it's full of simple poles.


Colour is actually pronounced culer. And it's not British English, it's just English, spoken in England.

Stop making all those llama noises! I'm starting to get horny!

Does any one know what the Stargate's ninth chevron does.

It makes Amanda Tappings run around naked.


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