User:The velociraptor

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There came a day when Raptor Jesus walked with his disciples in a city. They passed many people, and Raptor Jesus would state "They are Anonymous, they are the masses. They are many, and yet they are one. They are quick to judge, and their wrath is terrible." Then Raptor Jesus and his disciples came across a man painting a mural. Raptor Jesus studied the man's work for a time, and then turned to his disciples.

"Animated," he said. -- book of 4chan

And Raptor Jesus did leap from the tree, connecting His foot with the jibbering fool's neck. When He landed, the fool was dead and motionless. Our Saviour, Raptor Jesus, who is both carnivorous and merciful, then turned to his deciples and said: "Ninja'd!"

Love Raptor Jesus or die.

Raptor Jesus is the saviour of all mankind, and will deliver thee to carnivorous enlightnement.

And MOOT knew 2chan, and he concieved of 4chan. He worked long in his labor and soon there came to be users, and free porn, and it was good. But as his disciples grew in number MOOT found it harder to find time to manage 4chan and still visit his mexican prostitutes, and so he sired WT Snacks on a mexican loli. And then came to the lands of /b/ one known as Soviet Russia the masses of /b/ saw that his stupidity matched and exceeded their own and they hailed him their messiah. Snacks grew jealous of the gynormous size of Soviet Russia's e-penis and so it was that in the dead of night Soviet Russia was banned And MOOT returned from Mexico and said unto Snacks, Where is Soviet Russia? The /b/tards are whining. And Snacks said unto MOOT: I know not. Am I thy forum's keeper? And MOOT spake unto him in a voice not unlike the wheeze of an asmatic: Yes And so WT Snacks was cursed to wander the lands of /b/ from which he had banned Soviet Russia. And Snacks said unto MOOT, My punishment is greater than I can bear. Behold, thou hast driven me into /b/ that I would moderate it and all the /b/tards will annoy the hell out of me And MOOT said unto him, Therefor whosoever annoyth Snacks, vengence shall be taken on him sevenfold. And MOOT set a mark upon Snacks, lest any finding him should annoy him. And Snacks went from the presence of MOOT to dwell in the land of /b/

/G/enesis - Chapter 4 verses 1 - 16

Raptor Jesus appeared before me, and he said:

"Take heed my son, for there shall be many who doubt me, but whosoever believeth in me shall have everlasting life."

I wept with joy at the gift bestowed, "Yet, my lord, what fate shall be given to the unworthy?"

He answered: "Their entrails shall be rent from their stomachs, their limbs ripped from their torso, to feast our hungry bodies, and restore our souls. Whensoever you feast upon the heart of thine enemy, think of me."

For that is the beauty of Raptor Jesus. Sermon 23 Verse 5

And then a murmur went through the crowd: "But what of those who call themselves Anonymous? Surely the Unnamed ones are an abomination to our Lord?"

And Raptor Jesus spoke:

The name that can be named is not the eternal Name.

The unnamable is the eternally real. Naming is the origin of all particular things.

Free from desire, you realize the mystery. Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations.

Yet mystery and manifestations arise from the same sauce. This sauce is called Anonymous.

Anonymous within anonymous. The gateway to all understanding.

And then a young one among them spake: "But surely, Raptor Jesus is a Name unto itself?"

And Raptor Jesus remained silent. One day, a Magistrate did approach our Lord: "What say you of the cavernous Loli Pit thou art rumored to keep in thy lair? Guarded by thy most terrible disciple, the one known as Pedobear, who sits ready to rend the Flesh and slake his thirst with the Blood of those foolish enough to covet his harem? Surely, your teachings lead only to Madness and Ruin?

And Raptor Jesus spake:

Women are born soft and supple; dead, they are stiff and hard. Plants are born tender and pliant; dead, they are brittle and dry.

Thus whoever is stiff and inflexible is a disciple of death. Whoever is soft and yielding is a disciple of life.

The hard and stiff will be broken. The soft and supple will prevail.

The Magistrate, thus rebuked, returned to his court, weeping bitterly for his wasted life. That same night, he did Fap most furiously to reruns of Full House. (1) Now a man named Bridget was sick. He was from /b/, the village of Quacky-chan and her sister Waha. (2) This quacky-chan, whose brother now lay sick was the same who poured perfume on the lord and wiped his feet with her hair. (3) So the sisters sent word to Raptor Jesus, "Lord, the one you love is sick." (4) When he heard this, Raptor Jesus said, "This sickness will not end in death, No, it is for God's glory that God's son may be glorified through it. (5) Raptor Jesus loved Waha and her sister and Bridget, though Bridget arguably the most. (6) Yet when he heard he was sick, he stayed where he was for two more days. (7) Then he said to his diciples, "Let us go back to 4chan." (8) "But Rabbi," they said, "A short while ago the Anonymous tried to flame you, and yet you are going back there."

(17) On his arrival, Raptor Jesus found that Bridget had already been in the tomb for four days. (18) /b/ was less than two miles from the index page of 4chan (19) and many Anonymous had come to Waha and Racky-chan to comfort them in the loss of their brother. (20) When racky-chan heard that Raptor Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him but Waha stayed at home. (21) "Lord," Cracky-chan said to Raptor Jesus, "if you had been here, my brother would not have died. (22) But I know God will give you whatever you ask." (23) Raptor Jesus said to her, "Your brother will rise again." (24) Cracky-chan answered, "I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day." (25) Raptor Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes me will live, even though he dies;"

(32) When Waha reached the place where Raptor Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been herem my brother would not have died." (33) When Raptor Jesus saw her weeping, and the Anonymous who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. (34) "Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord." they replied. (35) Raptor Jesus wept. (36) Then the Anonymous said, "See how he loved him!" (37) But some of the Anonymous said, "Could not he who opened the eyes of a blind man have kept this man from dying? This is /b/, it does not matter what he does, eat shit and die we say."

(39) "Take away the stone," he said. "But Lord," said Blacky-chan, the sister of the dead man. "by this time there is a bad odor for he has been there for four days." (40) Then Raptor Jesus said, "Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?" (41) So they took away the stone. Then Raptor Jesus looked up and said, "Father, I thank you that you have heard me. (42) I knew that you do, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe." (43) When he had said this, Raptor Jesus called out in a loud voice, "Bridget, come out!" (44) The dead loli nun came out, his hands and feet and face wrapped with strips of linen, and cloth. Raptor Jesus said to them, "Take off his grave clothes and let him go." (45) Then Raptor Jesus said, "Now see that Bridget has been saved. He was not Anonymous, and therefor not unforgiving. But hear me, there is redemption even for the Anonymous should he learn to forgive." And lo, for Raptor Jesus spake, saying "Thall shalt not draw and or masturbate to pictures of animals or animals with human like qualities. Unless of course, thine percentage of animal like qualities is equal to or lesser than ten percent."

And lo, there was a murmur in the gathered crowd, and the majority spake saying "Your word is good Raptor Jesus, and we shall oblidge."

But lo, a few did not heed this command, and one rose and said unto Raptor Jesus, "Why shall we not fap to animals? Why should we not do as we please?"

And Raptor Jesus asked the man "What is thy name, my son?"

And lo, the man spake, "Zabadab, Raptor Jesus." And Raptor Jesus knew there would be troubled times ahead. One day, Raptor Jesus walked a busy street with his disciple, Anonymous. Anonymous and his like-named brethren populated the land on which they strolled, as common as blades of grass. They walked, discussing many things, but, Anonymous paused for a moment. “Lord?” he spoke, “Is not this idle talk frowned upon by Your father?” And quoth Raptor Jesus; “All voice communicates knowledge. Knowledge is hardly frowned upon by anyone, and thus your ‘idle talk’ does not exist, unless you speak of memes. Memes are idle, as they are merely communication of things all know of” And thus our Lord beckoned to a painting of an insanely smiling man. “However, memes can bring laughter and happiness, thus, one can surmise that He enjoys them, and hardly frowns upon them” And Anonymous looked ahead, silent. Anonymous and his brothers wandered through the woods, gazing and marveling at His glory. They laughed and were merry, until a beast leapt from the bushes on the side of the forest path, snarling and drooling. He had a hideous visage, the hindquarters of a goat, the head of a boar, and the body of a hairy, smelly, muscle-bound man. The beast shouted thunderously “I AM GILDOR” and began ranting furiously. The creature’s stupidity obviously outmatched its fury, as it evidently knew not the power of His children. Anonymous, the most beloved child of Raptor Jesus, has a great gift. Though his wrath is terrible, he is fair, and a faint glimmer of the Lord’s power is bestowed within him. “SAGE”, Anonymous bellowed, and with a thunderclap, the beast was blown away to a dark land, and marked for deletion. As if nothing happened, the group of Anonymous returned to merriment. Chapter 69, verse 213: trolls

"And lo, for a terror had crept along the face of the earth, devoid of honor or righteousness; virtue or remorse. The troll had come upon the lands of RaptorJesus"

"And RaptorJesus didst speak in tones gently to these hideous apparitions, as if to propose peace betwixt the commoners and trolls. But the trolls would not hear of such bargaining, and they didst strike RaptorJesus with a blow terrible and swift, lifting the heavenly apparition and sending him flying a mighty 10 cubits back. And the peasants and farmers and commoners and dinosaurs and nobles and knights and all creatures great and small didst set up a great wail and didst attack the trolls with full wrothful might and didst drive the trolls away from the body of their lord and master."

"And it came to pass that the blood of a young virgin was brought in a basin the wet the lips of the fallen RaptorJesus and when the liquid hadst not but barely touched the lips of the saurian, his powers returned to him and he didst proceed in full battle array with great wroth and bellowing of trumpets to battle against the trolls."

"And it came to pass that the armies of RaptorJesus, composed of HARBL-armed Waha and Pedobear, Cockmonglers and all righteous followers of the dinosaurian savior didst wreak great pain and agony upon the trolls, and didst drive the trolls out of the holy land, and all was well in the presence of RaptorJesus." The Book Of Sage

Once, Anonymous was working on his labor. Posting pictures and commenting. And from a distance came a foreigner. His appearence was horrifying to Anonymous, and he quickly ran away.

Later, he seeked advice to Raptor Jesus.

Raptor Jesus, Our Lord and Savior whose knowledge and wisdom was known in the far kingdoms of GNAA and Wapan, and whose Holy Words hadst reached the profound depth of the Interneth, spake and asked "What was the form of thy vision?" Anonymous responded "It was a girl, Raptor Jesus"

And Raptor Jesus exclaimed "LIES!" for that he knewst there were no girls on the Interneth.

Anonymous remained silent, astonished by the divine rebutal.

But Lo, for that His Saurian Glory Raptor Jesus, who is Carnivorous and Merciful, spake, saying "Describe what thou saw, Anonymous. Fear not my Wrath, as unlike thou I am not unforgiving"

And Anonymous said "She was a penis with badly drawn blue hair, ond a smile"

"ZOMG!!!11 It's the Rei!!!111one" Raptor Jesus said. And He knew there would be troubled times ahead. The Teachings of Raptor Jesus

And lo, did a drunken man beset Raptor Jesus and his followers. He came up to them, crying such things as "Y HALO THAR!" and "BUTTSECKS?!" The Disciples were scared, for never before had they encountered one so intent on buttsecks. But Raptor Jesus merely smiled, and bade His Disciples watch, that they might know what to do in the future. All of a sudden, Raptor Jesus did leap into a tree, disappearing from sight. The drunkard looked around in a confused manner. Raptor Jesus did burst forth, flipping out of the tree, his foot connecting with the drunkard's neck. A sickening 'SNAP' emanated, and then all was silent. Raptor Jesus looked to His followers, pointed at the body next to him and proclaimed, "Ninja'd"

Chapter 9, Verse 1.27 Gospel "Oh Happy Day"

Oh happy day Oh happy day When Raptor Jesus Oh when He saged Mmm, when He s Oh happy day

Oh happy day (Oh happy day) Oh happy day (Oh happy day) When RJ saged (When RJ saged) Oh when He sage (When RJ saged) Mmm, when He saged (Mmm, when He saged) All the furry away (Oh happy day)

He taught me how to put "Sage" in the e-mail field "Sage in the e-mail field (in the e-mail field) And live reposting every day Every day (Every day)

Oh happy day (Oh happy day) Oh happy day (Oh happy day) When Raptor Jesus (When RJ saged) Oh when He washed (When RJ washed) Mmm, when He saged (Mmm, when He saged) All the furry away (Oh happy day)

He taught me how to bump Bump the gay Bump the gay (Bump the gay) And live reposting every day Every day (Every day)

Oh happy day (Oh happy day) Oh happy day (Oh happy day) When RJ saged (When RJ saged) When RJ saged (When RJ saged) When RJ saged (When RJ saged) All the furry away (Oh happy day)

It was a happy day (Oh happy day)

This prayer the holy saurian didst impart upon his loyal followers,

the seventh hour of the fourth day of the eleventh month, during

the festival of loli-worship.

The prayer of RaptorJesus:

Our Raptor,

Who art in /h/eaven,

shopped be Thy face;

Thy donations come,

Thy posts be done

in /b/ as it is in /h/eaven.

Give us this day our daily Bridget;

and forgive us our trolling

as we forgive those who troll against us,

and lead us not into faggotry,

but deliver us from /fur/ry.

In the name of the Moot, the Raptor, and the Holy Server,

Amen.

Raptor Jesus The 3rd book of Loli.

And the peasent cried out for recognition for his MSPaint work, though he did not know how to get a trip code. Raptor Jesus turned quickly and smote him with googly eyes and proclaimed AAAIIIRRR. Sermon 23 Verse 5

And ye the people turned and asked Raptor Jesus: "Who shall we listen to?" And Raptor Jesus replied thusly: "Beware Donut Penis, for he is a false prophet. And will only tell you lies. Beware of Placky, for she shall lead you places you wish not to go"

And lo, Raptor Jesus led a pilgrimage to the holy land of /l/, and there captured many lolis for the service of his works and lo raptor jesus begat cockmongler cockmongler begat happy negro happy negro begat rappy-chan rappy-chan begat Teh Rei-dick Teh rei-dick begat m00t m00t begat WTSnacks WTSnacks begat Jax Jax begat (c) At that time the MOOT said unto Anonymous make sharp knives and circumcize yourself a second time. And Anonymous made him sharp knives, and circumcised himself on his webcam And this is the cause why he did circumcise: All people on the internet are men, and as deeply attached to their penises as to their e-penises And Anonymous did know that camwhoring his pain would bring him great fame and his thread would be bumped until it fell off the board

The Book of Anonymous 5:2 - 5:8 This prayer the holy saurian didst impart upon his loyal followers,the seventh hour of the fourth day of the eleventh month, duringthe festival of loli-worship.The prayer of RaptorJesus:Our Raptor,Who art in /h/eaven,shopped be Thy face;Thy donations come,Thy posts be donein /b/ as it is in /h/eaven.Give us this day our daily Bridget;and forgive us our trollingas we forgive those who troll against us,and lead us not into faggotry,but deliver us from /fur/ry.In the name of the Moot, the Raptor, and the Holy Server,Amen.

The Great Salamander-Frog Extravaganza

The day came when faggotry was afoot, it threatened the fabric of existance. Thus the Giant Salamander appeared; and lo, it spoke unto the fags. "FUCK YOU, THIS SHIT SUX, YOU FAG." and with a puff of semen, it was gone. A loud yelp went into the air as many were impregnated and immediately shot forth from their birthing canals, several baby toads. Thus that date became known as The Great Salamander-Frog Faggoteer Extravaganza. Exactly one year later, RaptorJesus came to the very spot that the salamander had stood and said, "HARK! ALL YE FAITHFUL, LISTEN! THE TIME HAS COME FOR THE GREAT SECOND COMING!" As soon as he spoke, thousands of toads began to flock towards the Saurian Messia. After every single one of them had arrived, RaptorJesus promptly let out a loud screeching roar, the ground began to shake. Seconds later, the Huge Salamander had returned, bathing all around in a warming glow. Again, the same thing happened; the salamander spoke, puffed, and many were impregnated. Thousands more had flocked to the location than before. Millions of frogs began shooting into the air, onto the ground, and into open mouths as the women moaned in pleasure, shooting amphibians from their vaginas.

(C) JAX

-Book of Harbl 2:9

And lo, Raptor Jesus' deciple Moot said unto 4chan "I'm going to Mexico. 4chan dies." And the world was made dark. And the /b/tards cried out, "Moot, Moot, why hast thou forsaken us?

And suddenly, I saw before me the ruins of 4chan. And I saw visions of btards wailing and gnashing their teeth, and lo I saw happy negro crying. And the horde dispersed and went unto the neighboring lands of IIchan, WTFux, and Onechan. .

And the people of Idlechan said unto the children of /b/ "Bring us your tripcode fags that we might force anon on them" And there was a murmer amongst the crowd. Many thought that this was a good idea, and readily sent up the unanonymous. But others amongst them said, "is this not blasphemy against Lord Moot, did he not say that anonymous must be so of his own choosing?". And they were distraught.

But lo, the people of /b/ heard a host of heavenly voices from the darkness instructing them to follow the steps of Spiner, and verily they spoke unto the /b/tards. Come unto http://spi.iichan.net/fb/wakaba.htm, and thee will be given shelter. And there was much rejoicing.

Anonymous 2722:2

And slowly but surely /b/tards everywhere took up the journey to set up residence in the new /b/, the free/b/, the land of milk and lolis.

Blessed by an overseer of even temperment, the /b/tards did rejoice and said 'let us build a golden spiner, that we may worship it and bring it many lolis'.

And the trolls decided to test spiner with a deluge of faggotry, drama, duck and shacky. And said "which of these offends you, shall you not strike them down?" And Spiner lay down his banstick and said unto the legion, 'let he who is without aids cast the first meme'.

And Spiner walked among the children of /b/ and said unto them, "I am Spiner your mod, who brought you out of vericode, filter and forced anon. This one commandment I give you, do not post of the child pornography lest you bring ruin upon free/b/". And the Pedos, who had been as lepers in 4chan, rejoiced for here they were not condemned but merely warned.

And Anonymouse spoke "I confess, Spiner is truly empty of aids' and the horde nodded and spoke of past cruelty under their former kings.

Looking down from the mountain of #4chan, W.T. Snacks and moot were wroth with drama, and Snacks said unto 'zing the hordes are overflowing with fuck duck and even DONATE TO 4CHAN, and are even bringing back the she-whelp bracky-chan, /b/ is lost'

moot nodded his head busly and spoke, 'do not worry, it is all to plan...'

"I'M GOING TO MEXICO."

moot knew he had lost. 4chan was the dam holding back the flood from covering the fertile pastures below. Its feint was meant to overwhelm and consume those lands before 4chan revived. But the floods did not destroy, and instead irrigated and enriched the lands.

Being a jealous lord, moot gathered his forces and ended the feint to recall his lost hordes before they became rooted in their new land.

I know now that I must be ever vigilant, lest my followers abandon me for good. The followers are not here anymore but their wrathful souls remain loose untold in newly formed /b/tards. The prophecy will be fulfilled when Cracky-Chan rises and take command of the /b/tards and rebel againest moot. Thus creating a new line of chaos labeleld as www.6chanfufofu.com

For those who like corny jokes, the so-called comedians at Uncyclopedia and Encyclopaedia Dramtica have articles on Wikipedia. Read it, @$$hole!