The Osbournes

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The Osbournes

Genre	Reality TV
Running time	30 minutes
Creator(s)	Jonathan Taylor
Starring	Jack Osbourne Ozzy Osbourne Kelly Osbourne Sharon Osbourne Melinda Varga
Country of origin	United States
Original channel	MTV
Original run	March 5, 2002–March 21, 2005
No. of episodes	52
Official website
IMDb profile
TV.com summary

The Osbournes was an Emmy Award-winning American reality television program broadcast by MTV in the U.S., by CTV in Canada, Channel 4 in the UK and MTV UK and Ireland in Ireland and the UK, RTÉ Two in Ireland, Network Ten, MTV Australia in Australia and TV2 in New Zealand. The show features the domestic life of rock and roll singer Ozzy Osbourne and his dysfunctional family. It premiered on March 5, 2002, and in its first season, was cited as the most-viewed series ever on MTV. The final episode of the final season aired March 21, 2005.

In addition to famous Black Sabbath star Ozzy, the show features his wife Sharon; his son Jack; his daughter, fledgling singer Kelly; and, since the second season, his adopted son Rob. His other daughter, Aimee, has refused to participate in the show, and publicly criticizes her parents for their antics on the show. In most family photos shown on the show, she is either absent or blurred.

The series was noted for its frequent use of foul language, which was bleeped during MTV broadcasts; this became something of a running joke with the series. The Canadian broadcasts on CTV and UK broadcasts on Channel 4 are uncensored, and some episodes were also aired uncensored to Australian audiences when shown on Network Ten. It is broadcast uncensored on MTV Australia. It was revealed, however, in a "MADtv" episode, in which Jack and Kelly both guest-starred, that they did not swear as much as it seemed they did, and that it was only edited to make it seem that way.

Concurrent with the success of the series, Kelly Osbourne launched a moderately successful career as a singer, while Sharon Osbourne hosted the talk show, The Sharon Osbourne Show. The series also followed the family as they dealt with major events such as Sharon's battle with cancer, and the aftermath of a vehicular accident that nearly killed Ozzy. The family also parodied their TV series during a cameo appearance in Austin Powers in Goldmember. Somehow, the swearing remains censored, in order to receive a PG-13 rating instead of R.

The theme song for the show is a cover of Ozzy's song "Crazy Train", done in a jazz-swing style by Pat Boone. The cover is often misattributed to Richard Cheese who also does covers in a jazz-swing style.

[edit] List of Episodes and Summaries:

Season 1

1. There Goes the Neighborhood (1-1)

The debut episode opens with a brief introduction of the family with a voice-over and scenes of each member, such as Jack and Kelly arguing, Sharron saying how she'll never be a Mother Teresa to her family, and Ozzy yelling 'Rock n' roll' at the camera. Aside the introductions, the episode deals with the family moving into their new Beverly Hills home. The family deal with problems that could arise from such a situation - finding valuable furniture broken due to lousy packing and trying to set up the TV with no instructions.

Ozzy happens to appear on a Jay Leno show the night of the move as a performer. Kelly and Sharon come with Ozzy to the show, but Jack stays at home, watching a marijuana documentry instead. After Ozzy's stint, he is told by Sharon backstage that she has managed him to reappear on the show as a talking guest.

The episode also shows Jack and Kelly's love-hate relationship, and how their constant fighting has added strain to the already complicated moving houses situation. While the Osbournes are still settling in, Kelly nearly sets the kitchen on fire, and Jack wanders around the background clad in pseudo Army gear in a daze. The two constantly fight, chasing each other around the house. The night after the move they decide to go out clubbing at Sunset Strip, using fake ID cards as both are underage, but usually their connection with Ozzy Osbourne gets them a free pass. Ozzy warns them not to drink or take drugs ("Because I'm f*cking pissed off that I can't!") and to wear condoms if they have sex.

In spite of all the problems, Sharon is happy and content that they're finally 'home'.

2. Bark at the Moon (1-2)

The episode starts with a brief scene of Ozzy and Sharon trying to turn on their new vacuum cleaner. Kelly lends a hand and switches on the vacuum, and Ozzy complains about the loudness of the vacuum.

The family's numerous dogs has been excreting far too many times in the house, and ruining valuable furniture in the process. Kelly buys a new cat, but Ozzy makes it clear he doesn't want anymore animals in the house. The worst dog is Lola, a bull dog which belongs to Jack. Lola constantly chews on furniture and has already demolished a valuable sofa. Sharon threatens Jack she'll give Lola away. Jack says Lola is demolishing the furniture because Kelly has bought a new cat into the house, and Lola felt ignored. Still Jack hides Lola from the wrath of Ozzy, who clearly wants to get rid of the dog.

Kelly gets busted for not stopping at a stop sign while driving, and is not far from having her license taken away. Elijah Wood and sister Hannah visit the Osbournes, and Lola does a massive 'crap' in Ozzy and Sharron's bedroom. Jack is ordered to clean it up. He goes ahead with a fresh start, but abandons it very soon ("THAT'S tough!"). Lola later urinates on the family sofas. Sharon threatens to give the dog away but later decides to hire a dog trainer.

The dog trainer, Tamara, arrives and sees all the dogs. She listens to everyone's complaints about the dogs' toilet habits. She says that the dogs are spoiled rotten and untrained, and the Osbournes need to make themselves more important to the dogs' lives and have their needs taken care of. Tamara briefly trains Lola, and all seems well for the first day of dog training. However, as Tamara is leaving, Lola urinates on a carpet.

It is revealed Kelly has actually bought TWO cats, and Ozzy sees them. His yell of horror can be heard beyond Beverly Hills...

3. Like Father, Like Daughter (1-3)

Ozzy's first solo album in six years is released, and Sharon has arranged numurous interveiws and promotion gigs. She helps pick clothes for Ozzy to wear to an in-store autograph session at Tower Records, Sunset Strip. Ozzy feels very 'Ricky Martin' in his black leather outfit. Ozzy, Sharon and her Pomerian dog Mimi arrive at the instore gig in a stretch limosine. Kelly is there too, and is accosted by horny Ozzy fans. Ozzy signs autographs and takes photos with fans, including an entire squad of security guards!

Afterwards Ozzy and Sharon go to the KRQQ radio station and have a interview. Jack listens to the interview over the radio in a friend's car. Ozzy and Sharon discuss their sex life, and how Ozzy has been using viagra excessively because he had been 'shooting blanks'. Jack winces in embarassment as the Osbournes go on to say how Ozzy would get 'hard' at inconvient times when Sharon is sleeping and not interested.

Next Ozzy take a private flight to New York to do more promotional gigs and interviews. Meanwhile Kelly hangs around with a good family friend, Robert. She says they're only friends, although there appears to be close attraction between them. Kelly later takes her cat to the vet with Melinda the nanny. Melinda tells Kelly that Jack is going to a school camp, and Kelly seems to take delight in that.

On the day to go to camp, Melinda tries to wake up Jack. But Jack is very depressed for some unknown reason and it becomes a struggle for Melinda to get him up. Jack manages to get to the school bus in time and is off to camp, but Sharon is very worried that Jack is not alright and jokes he may need medication. Afterwards Sharon and Kelly take a private flight to New York to be with Ozzy.

Ozzy appears on a TRL show with daughter Kelly, who is told backstage not to swear onstage. Fortunately she listens and is quiet throughout the show. Ozzy meets up with P. Daddy and takes photos. P. Daddy says he's a huge fan of Ozzy Osbourne.

Kelly's 17th birthday is coming up and Sharon has arranged a themed party back at home. While going over the development of Kelly's party, Sharon gets a call from Jack's school that Jack is coming back from camp. Jack had been complaining that he didn't like the students ("Too hippyish... you have to hug trees there"), he threw rocks at students and tents and he told the school captain to go "f*ck himself".

Everyone arrives home just in time for Kelly's horror-themed party. The party features a cortionist and a tarot card reader. Ozzy is gobsmacked by the Gothic nature of the party and the loud dance music that Kelly likes ("The kind of music to bash your head in to!"). Jack brings a girl friend into his room and admits he urinates frequently in bed and dribbles a lot when he's asleep. He locks the door that night.

Morning after, Kelly reveals to Ozzy that she has a tattoo on her hip. Neither Ozzy or Jack are bothered, but Sharon is disappointed and says she's a very stupid person. Ozzy finishes the episode saying with advice about tattoos: "To be unique, DON'T get a tattoo. Because everybody else has got tattoos!... (Kelly's) tattoo isn't THAT bad. I thought she was going to show me an large f*cking eagle tattoo on her arse!"

4. Won't You Be Thy Neighbor? (1-4)

Kelly complains that elder sister Aimee had booked her a gynecologist appointment. Ozzy thinks it's a practical joke, but Kelly says that Aimee also tried to get her to go to a dentist and get a new car ("And I said to her, 'Aimee. My teeth, my car, my vagina, my business'"). 0zzy wonders if Kelly has been messing with boys, but nanny Melinda insists Ozzy she hasn't and there's nothing wrong with Kelly.

The Osbournes have new neighbours, and they had been playing loud European dance music late at night. Sharon confronts them over the fence and tells them to go in their "perfectly bigger" house to play their music. The neighbours refuse to go inside, and Ozzy declares war. One night the neighbours play camp songs, and Jack finally has enough. He plays death metal on full volumne to upset the neighbours. No such luck. Although it wakes Kelly who comes running out of the house and throwing tantrums. Next, Jack and Sharon start throwing ham across the fence. This catches the attention of the police, and they tell Sharon they are powerless to do anything about the loud noise UNLESS they are there when it happens. They also warn the family not to throw "the good food" over the fence, and to call them when the neighbours start playing up again.

Ozzy, who had been sleeping through all this, awakes and grabs a piece of firewood and throws it over the fence. Something smashes. The cops come back! And Ozzy runs for dear life.

5. Tour of Duty (1-5)

Ozzy is working out with a personal trainer in preparation for an upcoming tour. Sharon talks with a friend over the phone saying that the original name for Ozzy's tour was going to be 'Black Christmas', but was unappropiate because of the 9/11 attacks and its aftermath, so they renamed it 'Merry Mayhem'. Sharon adds that Ozzy will come on stage in a sleigh that will go around the stadium.

At Divine Recordings where Sharon works, she goes over the merchandise for the 'Merry Mayhem' tour, working out prices ("How much do women pay for knickers?"). Meanwhile, Jack is starting his own label under Divine Recordings.

On a day off, Sharon and Kelly go on yet another mad shopping spree, and loses Ozzy's credit card in the process. Panic-striken, Kelly takes the blame for the missing card and frantically searches her car and finally finds it under the driver's seat - in the middle of the night.

The next day, Ozzy goes to band rehearsal for the tour, warning that guitarist Zakk plays louder than Satan. Later, he does a Moulin Rouge skit for more promotional purposes, totally clad in Christina Aguilera-style bustier, frilly stockings and scary white hair. He complains how he hates making music videos, because the crew goes about as if they're making a major motion picture.

Ozzy prepares to leave for tour, and Sharon remarks that he finds it very stressful when embarking on a tour. Jack won't come with Ozzy on his tour, and stays at home to build up his label. Ozzy and Sharon leave for Tucson for band rehearsal. During the rehearsal, Sharon shows to Ozzy all the special effects for the shows:

A big 12-barrel cannon
A sleigh that spurts snow from the back
People dressed up as Santa's helpers in whorish wear
Sculpture of Santa hung on a cross
machine spurting bubbles.

Ozzy is angry by all the special side affects, thinking it will distract the fans from his music. He refuses to perform two nights in a row with the silly special effects ("What's so f*cking evil about f*cking bubbles?"). He says Sharon only cares about the money rolling in.

Somehow Sharon persuades him to do the two shows anyway, and they became a success.

6. Trouble in Paradise (1-6)

Ozzy has well gone into his tour, travelling across the USA. Sharon had returned home and says she'll reunite with Ozzy in Houston because she misses him so much. Kelly complains about her twisted ankle after falling into a hole the exact same size as her foot.

When Sharon and Ozzy reunite in Houston, Ozzy says he had injured his leg during a concert. Back at the house, Jack and nanny Melinda are at each other's throats. Melinda blames Jack's moodiness on him being tired and sticking to a busy schedule, which is hardly true. Jack parties out late, orders pizza in early morning, sleeps in, and plays games. Melinda calls Ozzy and Sharon and says that Jack has left the house and hasn't returned for hours. She's worried that Jack might be dead out there. Ozzy contacts Jack on his mobile. He tells Jack it's no such big deal to apologise to Melinda for being bratty. Jack refuses to apologise anyway, not wanting to appear sensitive and mushy.

7. Get Stuffed (1-7)

8. No Vagrancy (1-8)

9. A Very Ozzy Christmas (1-9)

The Osbournes are packing their stuff at the Peninsula Hotel in New York, and Sharon tells Ozzy and Jack that one of their tour truck drivers had a accident the other day. He was getting a blow job from a hooker he had picked up, and was driving in the nude. Later they are on a tour bus driving around New York, and Sharon is informed that Michael, their security guard, had been arrested for robbing a house behind theirs. Ozzy immediately suspects that Michael may have stolen his jewellry. He tells Sharon to check his possessions and if anything is missing, he'll "whack the c***".

Ozzy embarks on his last promotional concert for his new album in New York. Back at the hotel, Ozzy is flabbergasted when he sees all the designer branded shopping bags Sharon has, and explains that as a poor child growing up in Birmingham, he'd get only a rotten sock with some fruit and pennies in it. Ozzy becomes worried that they'll never be able to fit all the shopping bags onto their private plane. Sharon describes the perfect Christmas where the family will have dinner together, then the kids can go out while she and Ozzy stay inside with the pets and have a nice, quiet evening. Ozzy says she can keep on wishing it because that will never happen.

Ozzy, Sharon and Jack return home, managing to get all the bags onto the plane. When Christmas finally arrives, presents are exchanged, and the Osbournes are paid a visit by Ozzy's son from his first marriage, techno DJ Louis Osbourne. Ozzy gets a framed photo of his mother when she sixteen and is touched ("F*cking nicest thing"). Finally they prepare for the family Christmas dinner. Ozzy makes the gravy, and is exceedingly proud of it. Jack and Kelly get to the dining table first and already began to eat before everybody else gets there. Finally everybody sits down. There is a voice-over from Kelly saying how difficult it is to have a Christmas dinner and not fight.

Ozzy repeats: "We did really great with that gravy!" and Sharon sighs: "We're gonna hear about this f*cking gravy for the next year". Ozzy opens a champagne bottle, and almost breaks something when the cork flies across the room. Sharon starts talking about Christina Aguilera's album 'My Kind Of Christmas' ("When I heard it, I wanted to SCRATCH myself. I wanted to ABUSE myself"). There is more bitchy talk from Kelly and Sharon about Christina Aguilera, until Kelly sees Jack flip her the finger for no reason. Kelly tells Jack to "get that huge stick of your arse. It will help everybody". Jack thought Kelly said d*ck, not stick. It is mayhem as the kids yell "d*ck" and "stick" back and forth. Kelly pouts, gets up and leaves the dining room, while the bemused Sharon cries: "You're such a drama queen... you're NOT going out... because it's F*CKING CHRISTMAS!"

After the dinner, Jack's and Kelly's girl friends come over for a visit and talk with the Osbournes in the sitting room. One of the girl friends got caught for smoking weed, and Kelly reveals she was suspected by Sharon of smoking it. She goes on to say that Sharon promised not to be mad if Kelly admitted she smoked weed, and when she finally did, Sharon "went f*cking crazy" and called every parent from the school directory and asked them if their kid had been giving Kelly the weed. The conversation takes a random turn when one of the girl friends comments on Ozzy's red streaks, saying it doesn't look good. Kelly slaps the girl's knee, complaining how rude that is. "It's off! It's now here! The Christmas fight is finally here!" says Ozzy and Sharon. Kelly bitches to Sharon she wouldn't go to her friend's father and say: "I don't like your baldness. You should get a f*cking toupee". Sharon nearly falls off the couch laughing.

Jack gets a pocket knife from one of his friends for Christmas. He plans to go out with it, but Sharon and Ozzy warns if he goes out with a army-style haircut, a tee with 'Cocaine' on it and holding a pocket knife, he would get arrested by the police. Ozzy seizes the knife and hides in the pantry, but Jack quickly finds it and tries to exit the house. Ozzy gets angry and threatens to "bust his arse" if he gets picked up by the police. This time Jack listens and gives over the knife. Ozzy hides it in a fruit bowl.

The day after Christmas, Sharon and Kelly meet up with Michael, their security guard. Michael explains how he had never been in the house behind theirs and never took anything. He adds that he had his son with him when the police arrested him. They pulled their guns on both of them, and they threw Michael in country jail over the night. When the police found out he did not do anything wrong, they apologised. Michael quits his job as the security guard and is given some Christmas gifts. This strange incident ends this episode.

10. Dinner with Ozzy (1-10)

The episode start with Ozzy sitting in his dining room and enjoying a very well prepared Dinner he says that he's always been Ozzy Osbourne and that is real name is John Michael Osbourne. He doesn't know how a typical American family lives. Then we cut to a scene where a cat is running wild and it gets stuck behind a mirror. Ozzy tries to get the cat down by climbing on the mirror and hitting it with a feather duster. Kelly and Sharon scream throughout the entire situation and the cat runs away after Ozzy shakes the mirror.

We go back to Ozzy who starts to talk about Sharon; how she is the leader of the family. Ozzy says that, "He is the monkey, and she plays the tunes." The next scene is Sharon offering Ozzy a breath strip. Ozzy looks at it and first says is cyanide. Sharon tricks Ozzy into telling him that it's gum. Ozzy then realizes that it's horrible.

Back to the table and Ozzy says that it's amazing that he lives in Beverly Hills and that to be a parent, you need to be "rigorously honest". The next scene shows Sharon snuggling up with Ozzy while Jack tries to watch TV. When it comes to being honest and secrets Ozzy says that he's very very open. The next scene shows Ozzy and Kelly peeling potatoes in the kitchen and Ozzy talks about being put in jail for stealing. Then there is a scene about being invited on a cruise ship that Kelly doesn't want to go on. She says that you can s**t on a cruise line or an airplane. Back to Ozzy, saying that he got into music to make his parents proud because he wasn't very good at school. He also admitted that he's dyslexic and has a short attention span.

Ozzy then starts to talk about Jack, how he "can be a good boy...sometimes. And compared to me he's an angel." Then Ozzy says when he was Jack's age he was drinking heavily, smoking marijuana and thinking what I am doing. Jack is then shown walking around with a rifle and wearing army gear. Kelly then complains that "15 year old boys shouldn't be playing with rifles and knives" She then brings up an old situation that Jack had shot Kelly with a pellet gun six year earlier and she still has a grudge. Ozzy then briefly talks on how much Kelly and Jack fight but that they should outgrow it. Ozzy is given his desert and he says that he is proud of giving his children an education. The next scene though comes up and it's revealed that Jack hasn't gotten up to go to school. Ozzy walks into Jack's room, wakes him up, and tells him that he needs to go to school.

Ozzy then talks about Sharon not liking cooking. This brings up a scene with Kelly complaining to her mom that she doesn't cook. Ozzy then says that the first thing that attracted him to Sharon was her laugh. Then a scene is shown with Sharon and Kelly talking about their chests. Ozzy then comes back and says that Kelly doesn't take after her mom and she defintely doesn't take after Ozzy.

Ozzy comes back again and says that people think he lives in a Bavarian castle like a bat, but he does chores like everyone else. He is then shown grinding coffee, collecting firewood, and making microwave popcorn. Then Ozzy says that sometimes he feels invisible. How he could be talking but no one would listen to him. He then says that people can't understand what he says because of his English accent and when he gets excited he stammers. Then he says if he could be anybody for one day, he would be Paul McCartney or John Lennon because they lit a spark under him musically. The next scene shows Ozzy recieving his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Ozzy then says that he's not proud of being a drug addict, dyslexic, biting the head off a bat, but that he's a guy with real feelings. Ozzy then finishes his dinner with a cup of tea and a montage of scenes from the season is shown. Ozzy then says, "That's the way we are. We're The Osbournes, and I f**cking love it."

Season 2

11. Catching Up with the Osbournes (2-1)

Season 2 starts off with Sharon and the dogs in the backyard. Lola the bulldog then vomits on the grass. Ozzy then tries to show off his knife throwing skills by trying to throw knives into logs. As Jack is in the car going somewhere he makes a call saying there are fans on the lawn and the sprinklers should be turned on to scare them away. Sharon then shows Melinda a gold filling that she had accidentally swallowed.

Ozzy then announces that he and Sharon have been invited to Washington DC for a press dinner at the White House. Ozzy doesn't know how to handle it and he doesn't know proper etiquette, he's a street guy. Sharon helps Ozzy pick out a watch to wear.

Jack then announces that Kelly has covered Madonna's "Papa Don't Preach" and that she would be singing it at the MTV Movie Awards. This leads to a scene of Ozzy dancing with Kelly while the song plays in the background. Jack then tells us that he had a part in Kelly getting signed to a record contract and Kelly discusses that she doesn't want a chick band.

Ozzy and Sharon leave to go to Washington and Sharon tells Ozzy that she got President Bush some cufflinks as a gift. Ozzy asks how is she going to give The President a gift. Ozzy says that he's the President...he's not allowed to accept gifts. They arrive in Washington and drive past the Washington Monument and Lincoln Monument. Sharon admits that she doesn't know who President Bush is and that Ozzy is starting to get stage fright.

Back home, Jack continues his playfull attitude with fans and the sprinklers. Kelly then goes to rehearsal and she steals Jack's spritz bottle. Jack tells Kelly, "Just because you have a hit song doesn't mean you can steal my spritz bottle."

Back in Washington, Ozzy and Sharon are getting ready for their dinner and Sharon says that Ozzy looks like Harrison Ford. Ozzy says he looks more like Glenn Close. He then calls Sharon a c*nt, but then quickly apologizes. He then looks into the camera and says, "I found out you can say anything to a woman. But you mention the "C" word and you suddenly get this feeling of death come over you." At the dinner President Bush says, "What a fantastic audience we have tonight. Washington power brokers, celebrities, Hollywood stars, Ozzy Osbourne." Then causes Ozzy to stand up with a big smile on his face and the crowd applauds him.

Ozzy then flies to England and Sharon joins Kelly and Jack. At the movie awards, all the attention goes to Kelly, while Jack is on a quest to find Natalie Portman. Ozzy introduces Kelly and she does a great performance. That night on the ride home they pass a McDonald's and Jack is happy to see that the McRib is back. This irks Kelly and he tells Kelly that it's the little things in life that make people happy.

The episode then ends with Jack continuing his antics with people outside his house with sprinklers and Kelly flies to New York to promote her album.