The Fiver

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The Fiver is a humorous daily football email published by the Guardian Unlimited website. It is delivered to subscribers’ inboxes at (approximately ) 5 p.m. Monday – Friday (hence the name "Fiver") but does not appear in the print edition of the Guardian newspaper. Even though it is published by a UK based newspaper, The Fiver enjoys a world-wide following. Fiver writers include Paul Doyle and Barry Glendenning.

Contents

[edit] Content

In its current format The Fiver consists of:

Main Stories 
Two commentaries on selected events (although this used to be three), usually highlighting the negative side of the modern game, unsportsmalinke behaviour or the failure or embarrassment of a team or player. These events are usually presented in a humorous, ironic, cynical and wearily disdainful manner. Occasionally subjects of sufficient importance are dealt with in a completely serious manner, for example the death of a great player or major incidents of crowd racism.
Quote of the Day 
Features a contemporary quote made by a famous (or infamous) footballing figure, again selected for its comedy value.
News in Brief 
Summary of the day’s stories about player injuries, disciplinary hearings, completed transfers, international matches.
Rumour Mill 
Managerial and transfer related gossip and speculation culled from other newspapers and websites.
Readers’ Letters 
Comments, general observations, criticisms and pedantry, with a prize awarded to the letter judged best of the day.
TV & Radio 
Summary of the evening’s football related programming, accompanied by anecdotal submissions from readers on various and frequently changing themes.
Last Line 
A brief "sign-off" line, typically an esoteric cultural reference, topical comment, song lyric or writers' in-joke.

[edit] Humour

Much of the humour in The Fiver derives from the tongue-in-cheek use of national and regional stereotypes. For example, frequent references are made to The Fiver’s English and Irish 'cousins' "Sexually Repressed Morris dancing Fiver" and "Theme pub O’Fiver". 'Family' members are often invented as and when required to portray the press of a given country. In addition the most successful teams of the time are usually on the receiving end of many jokes. The Fiver employs the kinds of jokes and insults used by football fans themselves, combining this with sharp observation, which no-doubt contributes towards its popularity amongst its readers, although that could also be why it is often accused of bias by the fans of the team which happens to be on the receiving end (for more on this subject, see the history of changes to this page). The Fiver is full of irony - even the name of the publication is somewhat humorous as it often arrives well after five o'clock.

Recurring sources of humour include:

  • The (mis)fortunes of the Home Nations' international teams. For example, Northern Ireland's national team were referred to as "Northern Ireland Nil" due to their proclivity for losing/failure to score, however, after their shock 1-0 victory over England in September 2005, became known as "Northern Ireland One-Nil". After a poor England performance, former manager Sven-Göran Eriksson's £4 million salary was usually mentioned.
  • The Glasgow teams Celtic (with a traditionally Catholic fan-base) and Rangers (with traditionally Protestant fan-base) are referred to as "The Queen’s Celtic" and "The Pope’s O'Rangers", when in fact the opposite would be appropriate.
  • Segments of text are supposedly excised by "Fiver lawyers", the implication being to avoid libel suits, though the gist of the missing information is usually obvious, or already known, to the reader.
  • References to funny nicknames for English teams: MU Rowdies for Manchester United FC (since the Glazer family acquisition of the PLC); NUCC or Newcastle United Comedy Club, now known as Jongleurs FC after a chain of British comedy clubs; Birmingham City FC referred to as Bongo FC in reference to their chairman's involvement in the pornography industry (bongo is English slang for porn); Liverpool FC are known as Gissagong FC ("Give us a gong", in a Scouse accent), as a result of their chief executive's disappointment upon discovering his Champions League-winning players had been overlooked in the 2006 New Year's honours list; Buffalo Vills for Aston Villa since the club's acquisition by Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner; Blackeye Rovers for Blackburn Rovers in reference to the team's somewhat aggressive tactics; Leeds United are referred to as Dirty Leeds, because of their historically uncompromising football style; Plucky Little Wigan for Wigan Athletic in reference to the media's patronising attitude to this overachieving club; SundIreland for Sunderland since the club's takeover by former Republic of Ireland international Niall Quinn and his appointment of fellow Irishman Roy Keane as manager.
  • Any news involving FIFA or its president Sepp Blatter, as well as UEFA and its president Lennart Johansson, implies that, whatever has been announced, the matter was being discussed simply as an excuse for a gluttonous lunch, with details of the menu usually added for illustrative purposes.
  • Referring to Guardian (and hence its own) readers by the 'sandal-wearing muesli-eaters' stereotype.
  • Some tournaments are also referred to by nicknames, with the Champions League being referred to as Big Cup, and its lesser relation the UEFA Cup being known as Euro Vase.
  • While no football club is beneath The Fiver's contempt, it does tend to go easier on struggling, poverty-stricken lower league clubs, showing the writers do have a conscience. However, fans of Liverpool football club get a particularly hard time due to their reputation for incessant whining about perceived injustices brought upon them by a conspiratorial London-based media, which in itself is evidence of the injustices brought upon Liverpool by a conspiratorial etc and so on.
  • Self-deprecating humour.

The Fiver has a cousin The Spin, which is all of the above but on the subject of cricket.

[edit] Timing of The Fiver

Although the Fiver is meant to arrive at email inboxes at 1700 (London time) it only appears to do so when the writers have managed to acquire tickets to an exclusive pop concert or have another pressing event. The poor timing of arrival (usually around 1750 - 1815) is always blamed on the Guardian's IT support technicians, all of whom supposedly wear Red Dwarf T-shirts and eat nothing but cheesy Wotsits. However, checking the time sent, as opposed to the time received, does tend to suggest that the Fiver's timeliness is not as bad as it is often made out to be.

[edit] The Fiver's Wikipedia adventures

On July 6, 2006 the Fiver claimed that it had made up a series of details in Arjen Robben's Wikipedia profile - including that he collected miniature submarines and owned a pet parrot called Greg Louganis as references to the player's alleged tendency to dive - to pad out an article. This incident is now listed on the Wikipedia article media personalities who have vandalised Wikipedia.

This led to a host of readers making up their own additions to the player's profile (as well as that of Chelsea chief executive Slippery Peter Kenyon who was also mentioned in that day's Fiver) including that he "has a large collection of cheeses and surprisingly does not count Edam as his favourite", "Ongoing speculation that Robben has a false upper lip has never been fully substantiated", and "He has also raised eyebrows by having no furniture at all in his London home, due to his unwavering preference for staying on his feet at all times."

Kenyon's profile alleged that he "loves to recline on a comfortable armchair or chaise longue" - however this led to him rejecting dinner invitations to Robben's house "due to that player's minimalist furniture stance".

These changes have since been removed - although the original Fiver comments lasted longer than any others.

[edit] External links

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