Taken in hand
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Taken in Hand (sometimes referred to as TiH) in terms of sexual human relationships refers to a monogamous, heterosexual relationship which is male-led, and in which the female defers in matters of everyday life, as well as sexually, to her partner.
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[edit] Sexual Dynamics
The sexual dynamic of TiH relationships tends to be more “Vanilla” than in BDSM relationships. Although the female partner will almost invariably be submissive and passive to the will and wishes of the male, it is not a ubiquitous part of the relationship to have preferences such as humiliation, leather and pain, though it is entirely possible for a relationship to be TiH overall and have BDSM sexual elements as well, and indeed this is quite common.
Although discipline (“Spanking”) in TiH relationships has its own non-erotic context literally as discipline for transgression, it is fairly commonly used in an erotic manner by TiH couples.
[edit] Non – Sexual Dynamics
TiH relationships outside of the bedroom are intense, indeed most TiH relationships exist between couples who are married or de-facto married, usually the former.
In most ways TiH could be and often is regarded as a traditional or old-world marriage, and many conventional marriages do fit unknowingly into the TiH dynamic.
Major factors in the everyday life of the relationship are the submission by the woman to the man's will. To what extent and which areas this covers vary from couple to couple and varies from a general avoidance of conflict by letting the male a partner “get his own way” to almost complete submission to the preferences of the man in matters such as clothing, friendships with others, styling of hair and many other things. It is quite common in TiH relationships that the woman will generally curtail her social life significantly so as devote more time to the relationship.
Discipline is a fairly major aspect of TiH relationships and is used by the man on the woman to either punish a transgression (flagrant disobedience, arguing etc.) or as a means to end an unending dispute. In this context it is intended to be un-erotic and not desired (though not non-consensual). Somewhat confusingly it is still commonly referred to as “spanking”, since the physical action usually is precisely that.
Unlike BDSM Master/slave relationships, the woman in a TiH relationship is not regarded in any way as owned property. However many women in TiH relationships feel that a strong feeling of possessiveness and protectiveness by the man for the woman is an essential ingredient of the relationship. This does not however extend to a concept of being owned property.
Although it is often said that not all TiH women are submissive, and not all TiH men dominant, it is generally accepted that a large proportion of both do regard themselves as such.
[edit] Within the Context of BDSM
Unlike some BDSM fetishes or lifestyles, TiH relationships are strictly “real life” rather than consisting of negotiated scenes. Whilst many BDSM activities take place mostly within the bedroom or the “Scene” (parties, clubs etc.) TiH relationships place a great deal of emphasis of everyday and “vanilla” submission to the authority of the male as “Head of Household” (HoH) in a committed and long term relationship. Generally the male partner is expected to be the final decision maker in most matters, and the female is expected to defer to him. This is generally regarded as being for the ultimate benefit of the relationship in reducing conflict and fostering closeness and trust.
Like BDSM, many TiH relationships feature physical discipline (“Spanking”). For many this, as in BDSM, has an erotic attraction, however it is also used by most in a consensual but non-erotic way to punish transgressions by the female, and to encourage obedience.
Theatrics such as costumes and props are not an essential component of TiH relationships, though again they are not mutually exclusive.
[edit] The issue of consent
Consent is a major issue in TiH relationships. Similar to some D/s relationships in BDSM, there is often blanket consent, when at the beginning of the relationship there is an understanding that this is the kind of relationship both parties really want, and consent is given for all or most things that the relationship entails, much like old-world marriage vows. There is also a strong idea of “Consensual nonconsent”, particularly when discipline is involved. There is much debate over exactly where the lines are drawn concerning this and quite what it encompasses but the general idea includes both “Consent through silence” (very common in TiH relationships in the “I actually disapprove but I will say nothing so as not to be disobedient” context) style of consent and the idea that although on the surface a woman may say no, on a deeper level and form the beginning of the relationship consent genuinely was present, and on that deeper level is still strongly given.
The issue remains thorny, more outside of the TiH world than within it however. To outsiders, TiH relationships are often regarded as old fashioned and vaguely abusive or exploitative. Interestingly there appear to be more women interested in TiH relationships than men.
[edit] Diversity
Although TiH is defined as monogamous and heterosexual, there is some interest in the dynamics of the relationship being applied to same sex relationships, where one partner is the dominant partner and the other the submissive partner regardless of actual gender. Not universally accepted within the TiH world the dynamic has nonetheless been exported, particularly to the butch/femme community, where D/s relationships have long been comparatively common. [citation needed]
