Silent football

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Silent Football (also known as the beautiful and serious game of imaginary football) is neither silent, nor is Silent Football football. Rather, Silent Football is a group game consisting mainly of the passing of an imaginary football. According to YRUU legend, Silent Football was originally a British drinking game. Silent Football has very few realistic requirements; however, two or more players are needed (though fewer than five requires great cooperation and attention span, and certain groups of Silent Football players require a Quorum of Six to play at all), and preferably enough space so that the group can sit in a circle, allowing each player to see each other player. Each player's objective in the game is to not lose by the accumulation of penance points; however, it is not a very competitive game.

All players are arranged in a circle, and one player is selected to be the Dictator. The Dictator runs the game, does the majority of the talking, and realistically does whatever he or she cares to, including creating, altering, or removing rules. The Dictator may arbitrarily force players to do (or to not do) any action.

Once everyone is arranged, the Dictator must explain the rules to anyone who does not already know, and clear any misunderstandings about the rules with either his own interpretation or arbitrary legislation. It is exceedingly important to show no sign of mirth at any point during the most serious and beautiful of games. If one feels that amusement may be displayed upon one's face, a tie or similar piece of clothing must be used to cover the mouth. It is necessary to preserve the seriosity of the game. Forfits must be assigned by an appropriately appointed member of the circle to those who do not conform to this or any other rule. This role is a great honour.


Contents

[edit] Note on the Transcription of the Rules of Silent Football

It must be noted that some purist Silent Football sects observe a strict prohibition on the transcribing of the rules of Silent Football. The existence of this Wikipedia entry itself, therefore, in some interpretations, would constitute a violation of the rules of Silent Football. The prohibition is intended to be a safeguard against the potential for Silent Football to assume the liturgical features of a revelatory doctrine or messianic movement.

A countervailing opinion among modernists, however, suggests that the open-source nature of Wikipedia belies this observance, as the subjectivity of the game's diegesis is maintained to the degree that Wikipedia remains editable.

[edit] Player Names

As a general rule, Silent Football players do not use their names from the outside world within The Universe of the game. In a preliminary portion of the game, each player chooses a name for himself. Each name consists of up to three parts:

  1. Wording: A Dictator (or Chairman) may require the players' names to be prefixed using titles such as "Mister," "Master," "Sir," "Missus," "Mistress," or "Madam." The players may then choose following words to their fancy, however the Dictator retains the power to alter or completely change any name to his liking. If a player's name includes any heinous pronouns, the name must be put in quotes. The wording is the only required piece of a name.
  2. Tone: The words may be accompanied by any characterization in the saying, by changing pitch, speed, etc., so long as the dictator accepts it as universally pronounceable.
  3. Gesturing: If the player indicates an obvious gesture to partner the words, it must be mimicked thereafter to the best ability of any other saying the player's name.

In some versions it is also considered legal to address any player as "Mister Fuckstick" if his or her name has been forgotten.

[edit] The Dictator

The naming for "Mr. Dictator" is subject to special rules. The Dictator is still expected to utilize a prefix, generally "Mister" or "Sir." The word "Dictator" is a compound of two important pieces: "Dick," a nickname for penis, and "tater," a reference to a potato. It is acceptable and encouraged to address the Dictator by a new compound composed of synonymous or associated words, so long as these pieces are in the same respective order, e.g.

  1. Mister Penis-Idaho-Glory
  2. Sir Member-Potato
  3. Master Cheney-Fries
  4. Bud Pud Spud
  5. Sire Shlong Solanum Tuberosum

There are many cultures of Silent Football playing in which this kind of address of Brother or Sister Dictator (as he or she is called in these cultures) would be thought of as horribly rude, as Silent Football is The Most Polite Game Ever Invented, and Respect should be shown to Brother or Sister Dictator. In other sub cultures only brother is acceptable because every one is equal.

[edit] Gestures in Gameplay

[edit] Offensive moves

[edit] Fwap

The first offensive move is called the Fwap.(Also known as a Thwack) One performs a fwap by hitting one's knees in combinations of right knee and left knee. One must hit their right knee with their right hand and their left knee with their left hand. Doing otherwise is called a cross fwap, would be silly, and a player may receive Penance Points.

Every hit of the right knee moves the Silent Football a space to the right. Every hit of the left knee moves the Silent Football one space to the left. One may hit their knees in any combination of rights and lefts with a few restrictions.

  • At no time may the Silent Football exceed 3 spaces to the right or left of a player.
  • At no time may one pass the Silent Football to or through oneself. This is called a Cold Rush of Air.
  • If one receives the Silent Football from a fwap, a player may not change the direction of said fwap.
  • A player may fwap a fwap, but no player may fwap a fwapped fwap.

The 'fwap' is also known as a 'Thwap', pronounced with a distinct TH.

[edit] Zoom

The second offensive move is called the Zoom. The zoom is performed by extending your right arm in a fist and making eye contact with the player you wish to zoom to. The player whom you make eye contact to is passed the silent football. The fist does not indicate direction. A variation on this move is performed by putting your right fist by your left ear, and putting your nose in the crook of that elbow. The elbow must point towards the person one is zooming to, and eye contact must also be made.Also, you cannot zoom the ball to the person right next to you.

  • A player may zoom a zoom, but a player may not zoom a zoomed zoom
  • The player receiving a zoom is determined by eye contact, not by the fist. If I was zooming the football to Player 1, I would have to make eye contact with them, but not necessarily have my fist pointed towards them (Can be pointed at other players to confuse them)

The person who is receiving a zoom can do the following moves: a thwap(in either direction according thwap rules), a shrodum, a shrug, a zoom (unless it has already been done twice before you)

[edit] Defensive moves

[edit] Shrug

The first defensive move is the Shrug. The shrug is performed just as the name implies. One raises one's shoulders. The shrug passes the Silent Football back to the player who passed it.

  • One may shrug a shrug, but one may never shrug a shrugged shrug.

[edit] Shrotum (Shrotem, Shrodem)

The second defensive move is the Shrotum . The move is executed in varying ways among different cultures, but its effect is consistent everywhere: the shrotum returns the silent football to the previous passer.

  • One may shrotum a shrotum, but one may never shrotum a shrotumed shrotum.


Execution

Depending on the game's culture, the shrodum is performed in one of the following the ways:

1. Place the left hand horizontally across the chest. Place the right elbow on the left fingers, and the right fingers on the temple of the head.

2. As above, except the right fingers fall on the forehead. (While common in certain cultures, this variant is widely known as the Canadian Shrodum. Players who inadvertantly commit a Canadian shrodum in a game where the move isn't valid may have to prepare blueberry flapjacks for Brother or Sister Dictator or the group at large.)

3. Extend the right hand, palm up, as far as it will go. If the brother or sister is Plastic Man, this is very far indeed. To clarify: extend the right hand, palm up, as far as it will go. Next, place the fingers of the left hand in the crotch of the right elbow. Finally, raise the right hand bringing its fingers to the chin. A tickling motion may be imparted to the fingers (but this is considered lewd nearly everywhere).


The Golden Rule

Now you may ask, why two moves? They do the same thing. Wrong. They are different. They are pronounced differently, they are spelled differently, and they are performed differently. Another important rule about shrotums and shrugs, and this is the most important rule. Breaking this rule is like dividing the universe by zero! It's like throwing kittens at airplanes! It's like pouring milk on something that doesn't like milk!:

A PLAYER MAY SHRUG A SHRUG OR SHROTUM A SHROTUM, BUT A PLAYER MAY NOT SHRUG A SHROTUM OR SHROTUM A SHRUG


However, some groups follow the creed: "You can only shrug a shrotum if you hug a scrotum." The scrotum may not be yours.

When asked about this rule, it is customary to respond "The way you can remember this rule is that you can hug a scrotum, but not scrotum a hug."

This is also known as the Golden Rule Of Silent Football.

[edit] The call of nature

If a player must visit the restroom, that player may use the restroom signal: waving their raised hand. The Dictator will simply nod and that person can get up. At the Dictator's discretion, the player may or may not have to wait until the next round of Silent Football motion to rejoin the circle.

A player may also request to leave for a few moments. This may or may not be granted by the dictator.

[edit] Adding moves to the game

It should be noted that myriad variations and newer moves to the game exist within different communities, sometimes causing the game to become incredibly complicated. One such example is the phenomenon of Wormholes/Parallel Universes (SWUUSI). Another is the "split ball" effect at Ferry Beach--caused by baps and shwees, and used only by Madam or Master Dictator. Often, one cannot find these inventions in play anywhere but the community they have become a staple in.

[edit] Initiating Play

When the Dictator is ready to begin the game, or to shift from discussion back to motion of the Sacred Silent Football, the Dictator simply says, "Customary Tip of the Hat," after which everyone repeats "Tip of the Hat" and tips their (imaginary) hats. All previous crimes, transgressions, infractions are forgotten and may not be brought up again. Only the penance points remain. The Dictator may Tip The Hat at anytime. Evil Dictators may do this to prevent the Dictator from being tattled upon for an error.

Then, "Customary Shroop," [or Schwoop] after which everyone repeats "Shroop" [or "Customary Schwoop"] and takes an imaginary drink from an imaginary cup, mug, stein, forty ounce, barrel, or maybe a real beverage. Beverages and snacks do exist in the universe. This helps keep games going for hours.

The Dictator can then add any more Customaries s/he desires, and the group should repeat them as appropriate. When the Dictator feels enough Customaries have been uttered, the Dictator Fwaps or Zooms the ball to someone, beginning the Sacred Silent Football motion.

Additionally, the words "The rules are in effect, the ball is now in play" may be uttered before the ball is moved.

[edit] Tattling

If a player notices any other player (including The Dictator) break one of the rules of Silent Football, that player may raise his hand to inform The Dictator of the rule breaking. The commonly accepted procedure for tattling follows:

  1. The first player raises his hand
  2. Before tattling may begin, the hand must be obviously recognized by The Dictator. The Dictator may ignore a hand indefinitely.
  3. The tattling must begin by formally addressing the Dictator, commonly as "Mister Dictator, or "Brother/Sister Dictator."
  4. The player then may tattle, minding the restrictions on speech.

[edit] Restrictions

During tattling (the only socially acceptable time to speak),

  • One may never refer to another player(s) using any wording or gesture other than that player's name within the Universe of the game.
  • One may never refer to another player(s) using any heinous pronouns (all pronouns are heinous), though words that are not always pronouns may be used outside of personal reference.
    • One may never use the heinous pronouns "I," "me," "myself," or any other first person pronoun (singular or plural).
    • One may refer to hallucinations with pronouns, for they are not people.
  • While tattling, the tattling player must surround any quotation or wording or gesture using the words "quote," and "unquote."
    • Bunny ear quotes are an entirely illegal gesture, which does not indicate quotation, but instead a love of rabbits.(This is not common to all regions) If bunny ear quotes are used, the player may be asked if he loves rabbits. If the player responds "yes," the player may be indicted by other players of having uttered or done whatever the player had meant to quote. If "no," the player may receive penance points for obvious and egregious perjury.

[edit] Hallucinations

All that exists is The Universe of the game, which is limited basically to the circle. If a player reacts to a person or thing outside of The Universe, he is obviously reacting to hallucinations which are the result of hallucinogens.

  • Food and drink are part of the universe and are not hallucinations.
  • Outdoors, if a player pulls up grass, he must eat it. Otherwise it is not food, and therefore a hallucination.

[edit] Peanut Gallery

Any entities not in the game are hallucinations, and thus are referred to out of game as the Peanut Gallery( Also known as Poltergeists). It must be remembered that the Peanut Gallery formally does not exist; it is informal to refer to the peanut gallery in game play and penance points may be issued for such hallucinations. The Peanut Gallery can (and very likely will, given the chance) interfere with the players in whatever ways they wish, although Miss Cleo may intervene with her awesome power.

[edit] Miss Cleo

The Dictator is allowed ultimate power, and as so, he is allowed the ability to change names. Changing one's name to Miss Cleo gives him/her the ability to perceive outside forces, the hallucinations. Miss Cleo is regarded as somewhat of an oddfellow, seeing as he/she can see hallucinations quite vividly.

In some circles, the Dictator is simply immune to all attempts of the peanut gallary/poltergeists, and can interact with the outside world as s/he pleases.

[edit] Holy Jihad

At points within a game, many players may be bothered by hallucinations of outside humans purposefully ruining their universe (though these players may be expected to disguise their own recognition of hallucinations, as such is prohibited within the game). In this case, a player denoted "Miss Cleo" has the unique ability to incite Holy Jihad (otherwise known as a "witch hunt"), an action in which all hallucinations suddenly materialize within the Universe, and therefore can be tackled, beaten, or otherwise punished for clearly having been distracting before they existed formally. This action is particularly justified if such hallucinations have blocked players' sight of each others' knees, a necessity for fwappage.

[edit] Losing Silent Football

Once one has attained a set amount penance points (usually between 5 and 10) one has lost. The Universe must decide up proper compensation for having disrupted The Universe so deeply. The loser must perform an embarrassing action. For example dressing up funny for a whole day. However, this cannot involve unwilling third parties. For instance, a penance which involved a sexual encounter would require the consent of the others involved in the penance.

[edit] Goldberg Parachute

An optional corollary measure in instances when a losing player is to perform a penance is known as the Goldberg Parachute. Should a player find that a particular penance would tear apart their fragile psychology, they may exercise an option for an alternative penance to be conceived in place of the questionable act. The intent is to remove the possibility of personal psychological upset from a player's participation, even though the act may be non-sexual, consented to by third parties, and legal.

[edit] External links

[edit] Variations

[edit] The Dictator

In some circles, rather than having a "Mr. Dictator" there is instead a "Mr. Commissioner (sir if preferred)", "Game Master" or "The Chairman" (when addressing the chairman the phrase "Mr. Chairman, sir" must be used).

[edit] Mr. Comissionar

In some cases, the person who assigns the intitiating process, is called Mr. Comissionar.

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