Matt Goldich
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Matt Goldich began performing stand-up comedy in 1999, when he was a Sophomore at Brown University, where he founded the Brown Stand-up Comics. In 2001 he was selected as one of the "five funniest college students in America" by HBO.com and performed at the US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen, Colorado. Since then, he has performed at clubs such as Caroline's and Gotham Comedy Club, alternative venues such as Luna Lounge and PSNBC, and at colleges around the country. In 2006, he made his national TV debut on Comedy Central's "Premium Blend". He has written for the ESPN game show Stump the Schwab and contributed a chapter to the book, "Bar Mitzvah Disco," a humorous collection of photos and essays about the Bar Mitzvah culture of the 1980s and 90s. Goldich's comedy musings can be read on his innovative blog, mattgoldich.com. [1]
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[edit] The Formative Years
Goldich was born and raised in the suburbs of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Prior to achieving fame and fortune, Goldich often played Red Rover on the playground and frequently caused his classmates to receive nosebleeds. Not one to be outdone, Goldich himself suffered many vicious nosebleeds. Following the most devastating of these attacks, in the summer of 1987, doctors questioned whether he would ever smell again. To this day, Goldich reports difficulty detecting the scents of lavender and coriander.
To survive in the cutthroat entertainment business, Goldich would need to hone his own competitive skills. While in junior highschool, Goldich tried out for the basketball team. Many regard this as his first successful joke. During the blistering Philadelphia summers, he and his friends often sought refuge from the heat by sticking their heads in toilets, proceeding to then shake the toilet water all over each other in order to cool down. Few knew then the influence this would have on shaping his later ascent to celebrity.
[edit] The 1989 Red Rover Open
Always ambitious, Goldich entered the premiere Red Rover competitive event in 1989, frequently drawing on the skills he accumulated in his native Philadelphia. Competitive Red Rover, a game harkening back to the Elizabethan-era English countryside, never developed a substantial following in the United States. Historians have always been puzzled by this fact. In fact, the classification scheme and strategy have even been described by one author as "uniquely American." (author unknown) The 1989 Red Rover Open was (and remains) the lone competitive Red Rover tournament ever held in the Western Hemisphere.
Goldich, ever the cosmopolitan, was not swayed by borders or held back by local customs. Goldich enrolled in the Omaha, Nebraska-based event in March of 1989. The early rounds, while often presenting unexpected hurdles, were all handled competently by Goldich. In one particularly close match, a team from Mrs. Windsor's 1st grade class nearly ousted Goldich. Before long, he found himself in the tournament championship, which was structured in a one-on-one Red Rover format. His foe on the battlefield was none other than Sheldon Hirschenbaum, a second-grader who was 4 years Goldich's junior and half his size. With the shot clock ticking down, it was then that Goldich unveiled the controversial strategy that ultimately kept him from glory. Weary and fatigued, Goldich called out, "Red Rover, Red Rover, all the Jews come over." Young Hirschenbaum froze, like a deer in the headlights. The crowd quickly grew incensed and roared that Goldich must be disqualified. The judges, two kindergarten teachers and a cafeteria worker, caught unprepared, immediately declared young Hirschenbaum the winner on the basis that Goldich had improperly invoked religion at a public school event.
Curiously, it never occurred to the judges, or the school for that matter, to disqualify Goldich on the basis that the event was neither a competition nor intended for those under the age of 8. Further, it was held during recess at a local grade school which was located in a city and state in which Goldich did not reside. How Goldich came to learn of the event still baffles Omaha-based educators, as well as Hirschenbaum, now a disc jockey and convicted pedophile who is legally prohibited from coming with 1200 feet of a school facility or a Red Rover tournament.
[edit] Why Are You Sticking Your Finger In My Ear After Putting It In Your Mouth?
A curious and profound event occurred at a gathering held at the Goldich estate in June 1991. Several of Goldich's relatives and family friends were in attendance for a Flag Day celebration, and after some time passed, the kids went into the basement and engaged in various shenanigans. Goldich's parents had been friends with Harold and Melinda Reinstein ever since the Reinsteins moved into the neighborhood way back in 1988. The Reinsteins had a daughter named Lilly. As chance would have it, Goldich had taken a liking to young Lilly, yet up until this particular party, his romantic overtures had gone unanswered.
Having the sleek and slender Reinstein within his grasp was an opportunity Goldich could have only fastasized about in his wildest dreams. Yet here she was. A boyhood friend of Goldich's suggested that Goldich ask Lilly to accompany him to the upcoming junior highschool dance. To advance the ruse, Goldich suggested a game of Truth or Dare. When it was Lilly Reinstein's turn at the game, she elected "truth." The moment had arrived. Goldich was ready to pounce. You see, he had already conferred with the other competitors and he planned to ask Lilly to be his date. The satisfaction nearly overwhelmed him. After asking the question flawlessly, the spotlight quickly shifted to Reinstein. Without missing a beat, she stood up in her place within the Truth or Dare circle and approached Goldich. "Perfect," thought Goldich, "she can't say no in a room full of total strangers including my third cousins from Tulsa!" Mere steps away from Goldich, Reinstein shocked the crowd by inserting her right index finger into her mouth and then, when it was fully soaked with her own saliva, sticking the moistened digit into Goldich's left ear. Goldich, in utter shock, exclaimed "Why are you sticking your finger in my ear after putting it in your mouth?"
History was made that day in the Goldich family basement; 11 year old Matt had received his first Wet Willy.
[edit] "Pizzaface"
Surprisingly, even Goldich's adolescent years shed little light into what the future would hold. While prowling the Bar and Bat Mitzvah scene, the young Casanova developed many of the interpersonal skills that would later become essential to shaping his on-stage persona. Sadly, many of his romantic escapades were tempered by excessively oily skin that caused several unfortunate blemishes. While later mining comedy gold from his travails, earning the nickname "Pizzaface" drew Goldich into an unfortunate awkward stage. Each morning, while eating breakfast, his parents would taunt him by remarking, "Welcome to manhood, Pizzaface." When he arrived in his pre-calculus class each morning, even the math teacher would remark, "Welcome to class, Pizzaface."
[edit] Life on the Stage
Goldich's career is generally recognized to have comprised three separate and distinct historical periods. The early years, affectionately known as the "Wet Behind the Ears Years" (partly due to the clever rhyming scheme and partly as tribute to his renowned "Wet Willy" joke), featured an instant, almost cosmic rise to the top of the Brown stand-up scene. The "Wet Willians" (see Controversy below) staunchly contend that this was Goldich's high watermark as a performer. Serving the duel roles as both host and featured performer, the Brown shows he produced drew vast audiences. Although unconfirmed, several eyewitnesses to his farewell performance in the spring of 2001 attest that the venue was filled to standing room only capacity by people who generally disliked standing.
The middle years of Goldich's career featured some understandable growing pains. Frequently known as the "Just Off the Bus Years," in part because of Goldich's affection for travel by bus, Goldich had just arrived in New York. By mid-2002, with notebook always in hand (or pocket, or once in a while, in his lap, and on one unfortunate occasion, in the back of a taxi driven by Muhammad Ali (no relation to the boxer)), he entered the third - and ongoing - stage of his career, known as the "I'll Do What I Want With Anne" stage. With astute organizational skills, a penchant for carefully noting what is written on the inside of bathroom stalls, and his newfound dedication to avoid consumption of wheat at any price (see hypochondria and psychosis), no matter the sacrifice, Goldich's star continues to surge.
[edit] Controversy
A vicious factional rivalry has erupted among his fans concerning Matt's best joke. The "Wet Willians", once unmistakably dominant, have seen their position gradually eroded by the "Orthotricyclenistas". Of course, almost no one pays attention to the lunatic fringe group which refers to itself simply as "The Bird".
[edit] Trivia
Goldich correctly - and subsequently with much regret - predicted the death of famed Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray.
Goldich's love of toilet water as a source of entertainment while he was a young boy led to what many at the time considered his magnum opus; a heavily-researched, fact-intensive article he published in the Brown Daily Herald about different restroom facilities on the Brown campus. Goldich reportedly once referred to the article as his "Ulysses." (See Ulysses (novel))
In March 2004, upon the one year anniversary of his blog, during a celebration at Madison Square Garden, one of Goldich's countless fans was reportedly overheard commenting, "I wish he updated that blog every five minutes. Then I'd never have to leave my house again."
In February 2006, the first Goldich Tribute Comedy performance was staged by the "Wet Willians" in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Attendance was reported in the local media to reach single digits.
Reportedly, Goldich was once considered as a spokesman for Ortho Tri-Cyclen, a popular birth control pill particularly recommended for young women with mild to moderate acne. [2] Unconfirmed rumors once held that the manufacturers of the drug were contemplating an advertisement campaign with the catchphrase "No More Pizzaface!" As of September 2006, such ads have not yet been produced.
Notoriously press shy, Goldich rarely submits to media interviews. In April 2004, Goldich held a press conference where he announced that his favorite restaurants are ones that serve free soup with the main course.
Recently won $9200 in an internet poker tournament. Reportedly used his winnings to buy a treo.
No longer eats wheat, saying that it is, "bad for his chakras."
A reunion performance on the Main Green at Brown University has long been rumored to be in the works, yet to this day, the world simply waits. Said one Facilities Management employee at Brown, who wished to remain anonymous, "It would be a logistical nightmare. We've had presidents, we've had secretaries of state, and that's a piece of cake. For all our sakes, do not let that man return to his roots. It's a pure doomsday scenario."
Goldich's favorite songs include Slow Ride by Foghat and Christmas Rapping by the Waitresses.
Goldich does not like coats that "weigh him down."
[edit] Where Are They Now?
Matt is currently working on several exciting projects and is planning a two-stop tour of the Southern United States for Fall 2006. Currently he can also be found at many Morton Williams Associated Supermarkets around the metropolitan New York City area.
