User:LoveBoatJoe
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Pure Spam: The facts
Pure Spam is actually the substance commonly known as lava, used because the name Pure Spam was deemed ridiculous. The scent and taste of Pure Spam is so delicious it vaporises the victim in an instant death that is a technique often used for euthanasia in Switzerland as the patient feels as if the soul is soaring through the sky and in pure ecstasy giving the patient a death of joy. Pure Spam was first discovered by European miners, mainly from Poland, digging for oil in Saudi Arabia when they decided to excavate deeper and Pure Spam erupted from the digging site in joy (in Saudi Arabia Pure Spam is a necessity to their culture and the consumption of it) on 16th July 2004. Pure Spam is comes at a very high price at $1,500 per liter and is more expensive than oil or gold- as it can serve as either edible jewelery or canned to eat.
For the first time ever on British television Pure Spam was introduced to the British public on "Tonight with Trevor McDonald" at 8:00pm (Greenwich mean time)Monday 13th November. The British public were so shocked that many formed protest for it's legalization of solidified Pure Spam (Pure Spam that goes through a chemical extracting process, in which the toxins are removed and the Pure Spam becomes a solid and edible with only some radioactive effects such as water retention in the head and brain causing the head to explode, in extreme addictive cases). The government denied access to Pure Spam and many have decided to boycott eating "fake" SPAM. The protesters also made the point that in a mild experience of "Niccy Rush" -caused from smoking cigarettes- causes the head to inflate to abnormal size and combust unless the victim runs at athletic speeds to release the water through sweating. Yet cigarettes are still legal and popular in Britain among adults and children. It is even encouraged that your children are brought up to smoke to decrease it's ever-growing population, which is increasing at an exponential rate. Many children across Britain have been persuaded into it's new "light up" campaign, in which the child is given an inhalation instrument such as a cigarette or a bong and they can choose between a fine array of recreational drugs such as; crack cocaine, cannabis and hashish. Students among many leading secondary schools are required to lick toads before English lessons to increase their thought capacity and cheer them up.
Several riots broke out in the huge urbanized city of New Mills and several councilors and politicians were assassinated, including the late and great Daniel Tyrone James Cullen. As the nation weeped, the government were forced to reconsider and legalized Pure Spam. On Saturday 26th November 2006 the British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, reopened the mines in Newcastle but this time they were to mine for Pure Spam instead of coal. The exportation of the Pure Spam has been very profitable and is eaten commonly with breakfast in Scotland and Wales. Pure Spam has revolutionized British meals forever and is high-priced at £8.47 ($4.69)per 100g. The assassination of Dan Cullen prompted the public to go vigilante -all throughout New Mills and nearby Manchester- in search of his killer. Benjamin Bowker was convicted of the murder of Dan Cullen and was hung on the "Reck"(a popular zone of forestation in New Mills) in front of a sell-out crowd of 8 million, the whole population of New Mills. The weapon was believed to be a live hand grenade which no one heard going off at all. "BBC News 24" did a special report and this is a quote from the programme, "...one eye witness, Louis Prince, had to say this, '...Yeah,well, yeah...you know, I just saw the half of his Ford Fiesta blow off creating an open-top Fiesta... and he just like collapsed...no one knew anything had happened because they just had a ringing sensation in their ears and he just collapsed...plus I was stoned because I'd eaten about 8-10 lbs of Pure Spam -so I was totally, like, off my chops. I had also downed a whole bottle of "Night Nurse" as well, so you can see I was totally fucked!! -DUDE!!!'". Jamie Brownson was found to be involved with the conspiracy to kill Cullen and is currently serving a life sentence in Tarry Hill penitentiary.
Many people wear a chain of Pure Spam around their neck in remembrance to Dan Cullen and S-D.C. Day (every 23rd November), as it widely known. Since the incident Pure Spam has become a popular choice of meat and is currently earning a revenue of £12 billion a year, that's $28 billion a year.
Saudi Arabia is currently the highest earning Pure Spam exporters in the world earning over $78 billion a year. Japan is second at $57 billion. The British public credits the legalization of pure Spam down to the Home Secretary Officer, "Britain's biggest dope-fiend" Thomas Francis Corcoran, who allowed it to pass due to the revenue it earns instead of the intoxicating chemicals it contains. Pure Spam is currently the subject of debate over it's legalization in many European countries in the E.U., such as Germany, Italy and Afghanistan.
