Guyball

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Dr Guy Secretan (Stephen Mangan) wearing his "international-standard" topmiler.

Guyball (pronounced gheeball, IPA: ['gi:bɔ:l]) is a fictional game featured and (somewhat) described in the British sitcom Green Wing.

The most renowned player is half-Swiss Green Wing anaesthetist Dr Guy Secretan. Due to the similarity between his name and that of Guyball, and the fact that Guyball's specialist terminology has a heavy Swiss influence, it seems likely that Guy invented it. He has claimed that he is to Guyball "what William Webb Ellis was to wugby... rugby". He first played Guyball at Whiteleaf (pronounced witliff, IPA: ['wɪtlɪf]), a public school he attended for twelve years (1977-90).

In the real world it is clearly inspired by the obscure sports played solely at particular real English public schools – such as the Eton Wall Game and Winchester College Football – and quite possibly by other fictional games whose rules are semi-fixed at best, such as Calvinball and Mornington Crescent. However, it has entered into the real world as a blossoming sport only available at King's College London.

Guyball is first mentioned in the seventh episode of series one of Green Wing, "Tangled Webs", as Guy prepares for a world championship semi-final, having won his second-round match in five straight clappers. Other noted players include Markus Geissler, "The Big Austrian", who Guy walked over in the first round because he had shin splints. According to Green Wing - The Complete First Series Scripts, the official home of Guyball is the Secretanstad in Lausanne.^[1]

1 Basic rules
2 Advanced rules
3 Organised societies
- 3.1 King's College London
- 3.2 Possible Olympic sport
4 References
5 See also
6 External links

[edit] Basic rules

The object of the game, according to Guy, is simply "to put the ball into the basket". The basket in question is part of the topmiler, a special helmet worn by one or more of the players. This consists of a wicker basket (fastened to the player's head by a leather strap) with an attached pair of flying goggles to protect the eyes. Whether or not a given player wears a topmiler, hurls balls at their opponents, or has balls hurled at them, seems to vary depending on circumstance.

Before starting a match, one is encouraged to splice the Matterhorn by insulting one's opponents – though this might very well be a means, invented by Guy on the spur of the moment, for getting away with shouting abuse at a group of children (see below). It starts when the official shouts Commence.

[edit] Advanced rules

The detailed rules of Guyball depend on the variation being played. A "classic three-person variation of the game", in which two people chase the wearer of the topmiler, is described by Guy to his colleague Dr Martin Dear (as Martin wears an improvised topmiler made of a wicker bin sellotaped to his head) as follows:

"Don't leave the parish, all right? If you reach the maison, put your left arm in the air and shout 'Maison!'. [...] There are no burrow tactics and there are no hedgehogs, OK? [...] I won the toss so stickles are random [...] and it's a two-bounce ubique. Right. Go! Move!"

One might also play with orthodox or alternate stickles and a four-bounce ubique (IPA: ['u:bɪkweɪ]), though this tends to be in matches in which the two sides have an equal number of players, all of whom wear topmilers. Positions in which Guyball players may find themselves include:

The Emmental loop, in which one has a cleft mitten showing whilst one crouches to attack one's opponent.
The classical heist, an attack in which one is standing with one's foot on the opponent's jaw and one's topmiler is empty.
The fat chalet, similar to the classical heist but for the latter one's topmiler is geometrically loaded, that is, contains a large six-sided die.

It is unknown who the reigning world Guyball champion is as of 2006, though Guy is still an active player and taught Guyball to some local children as part of his community service. He has claimed that if he had twelve children himself he would teach Guyball to all of them. Jake Leaf, East Hampton Hospital's alternative therapist and the object of Dr Caroline Todd's short-lived affections towards the end of series two, does not play Guyball; however, he succeeded in discomfiting Guy by putting on a topmiler and claiming he did. He said his settle rate was 37, with alternate stickles. Guy grudgingly admitted that this was very good. When asked for his own settle rate, Guy claimed to have forgotten it.

According to The Complete First Series Scripts, a player can also be sent off for "Illegal use of the hefty fondue." This happened between Guy Secretan and Markus Geissler, during a match at the Secretanstadt, Lausanne. Guy won 12:3.^[2]

[edit] Organised societies

[edit] King's College London

Currently the only organised society to play Guyball in the UK is based in King's College London. It was founded by Jane Macallan and Anna Jones, and claim that it has been approved by Stephen Mangan and Green Wing's writers. According to an audio commentary on series 2, episode 4 of Green Wing, Tamsin Greig says that the students were given money to research the rules, and if none existed, to invent them. A list of rules is available from their blog on MySpace, which is subject to revision. The ultimate goal is to spread the rules to other places.

According to the King's College London rules, the games is played by two mixed teams of six players each, one blue, one green. It states that "The aim of the game is to score as many swatches (equivalent to goals/tries etc.) by successfully carrying the main ball (the Ubique) into your team's Maison. Players can perform a variety of set tackles to capture the Ubique from the opposing team using the red Stickle and can send team members onto and off the pitch (into the Parish) using Stickles (the same colours as that of the teams). Being geometrically loaded enhances some tackles."^[3]

The rules also state the length of clappers, the size of the pitch, fouls, and other rules and regulations.

[edit] Possible Olympic sport

In The Complete First Series Scripts^[4], there is a letter from the Olympic Committee to Guy about making Guyball an Olympic sport. The results reached by the committee were:

"We do not think that Guyball is "The Bollocks"."
"Guyball will not be included in the forthcoming Olympic Games."
"Contrary to whatever your friend "Diggler" might have heard, we do not accept "Bungs"."
"We are not biased against Switzerland or any other nation."
"We do not care if you know where we live."