Gnommish
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Gnommish is the "fairy language" used in the Artemis Fowl series by Eoin Colfer. It is not actually a language at all, but the English language encoded into a letter-substitution cipher where each symbol represents a letter. Lines of translatable Gnommish run along the bottoms of books one, three, four, and five. However, in book one of the series, it is mentioned that one of the symbols was comparable to the Egyptian Anubis symbol. It is also mentioned that Gnommish is a mix of symbolic and alphabetic letters, running in spirals (but since reading in spirals gives most fairies migraines, most modern fairy script is arranged in horizontal lines).
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[edit] Book One Translation
The coded message on the front of Book One reads:
Carry me always, carry me well. I am thy teacher of herb and spell.
This also happens to be the first lines of The Book of the People.
The coded message along the bottom of Book One reads:
The Prophecies of Ohm, phlegm pot cleaner to Frond, elven king. I am Ohm, phlegm pot cleaner to the king. But I am much more than that, for I see the future written in the phlegm. For centuries we pixies have read the phlegm, but I am the best there has ever been. My visions are generally of little importance. I foretell outbreaks of troll pox or gas spasms among elderly dwarves. But sometimes even a poor pot cleaner can see wondrous things. A vision came to me two moons ago when I was gazing deep into His Majesty's own phlegm pot. I was heating the pot over a flame when the sign appeared. This vision was more vivid and detailed than any I had previously seen. Because of its importance I decided to write it down for posterity. And so I can say I told you so. I saw an age when the People have been driven underground by the Mud Men. This is what the phlegm told me. In this time one shall come among us. Fowl by name and foul by nature. A Mud Man unlike any other. He shall learn our secrets and use them against us. I see him now as plain as day. His face is pale and he has dark eyes and raven hair. Yet it must be a mistake, for he seems a mere youth. Surely no Mud Boy could outwit the People. But now I see that the boy is not alone. He is aided by a formidable warrior scarred from a thousand battles. This Fowl shall hold the People to ransom for their most precious possession -- gold. And in spite of all our magic there is a chance that he will prevail. For he has discovered how to escape the time field. Unfortunately, how the story ends I cannot say. But there was more to see. There is another story to come. Someone will bring the people and Mud Men together. The worst of both races. This fairy's goal is to grind all the creatures of the earth beneath his boot. And who is this traitor it is not clear. But he shall start a war unlike anything the People have ever seen. Those who were enemies shall be united against him. And for the first time there will be Mud Men below ground. I have one clue to his identity: a riddle.
- Goblins shall rise and Haven shall fall.
- A villainous elf is behind it all.
- To find the one who so disappoints,
- Look ye to where the finger points.
- Instead of* one face, this elf has two.
- Both speak false and none speak true.
- While publicly he lends a helping hand,
- His true aim is to seize command.
I know, it's not very plain, is it? I don’t understand either. But perhaps in the future all will become clear. Look for a power-hungry elf who has a finger pointed at him during our tale. And so this is Ohm's legacy. A warning that may save the world from total destruction. There's not much to work with, I know. The details are a bit sketchy. My advice to you is to consult the phlegm. It may be that you are sensitive. I have buried this prophecy with my phlegm pot. If you are not fortunate enough to work as a pot cleaner then there is usually a supply of phlegm every time you have a cold. Here endeth the first prophecies of Ohm. But because of the importance of my visions I shall repeat the prophecies once more. If you have just begun to understand the text, then read on. If you have worked out the entire message then congratulations. Now go and save the world.
- The American version has the letter "g" here on the first loop. On the second loop, it is an "f".
[edit] Book Two Translation
The small message on the front cover of Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident reads:
- Fairy creatures heed this warning
- On earth the human era is dawning
At the bottom of the pages of the main story, there is a code in Centaurian. When translated into English it reads:
Congratulations, human. If you have cracked this code, you are more intelligent than most of your species. This is a message from the fairy people. We are seeking out our allies among the Mud Men.Though most humans are dull witted creatures, there are exceptions. You, for example. The reason for your intelligence is that you have fairy ancestors. Do you feel different from those around you? Are your ears a bit pointier than most? Is your tongue long enough to touch your nose? Do you dream of flying? Have you ever thought that you do not belong among the Mud Men? That is because you have fairy blood in your veins. So, young Mud Fairy, I have a mission for you. As one of the People, it is your duty to protect the earth from those who would destroy it. You must become one of a new race of Mud Men who love this planet as much as the fairy folk. There is one simple rule. Use only what you need and use it wisely. Do this and the earth will survive. Go now and begin your quest. I shall repeat this message for those whose fairy intelligence is buried a bit deeper than yours.
The message then repeats up to "Do you feel different from those around you?"
[edit] Book Three Translation
The front cover of the American copy of Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code reads:
- The boy is in trouble.
Here is what the book says:
My dear newfound ally,
If you have deciphered this code then you are of sufficient intelligence to aid me in my mission. You may have heard of the Fowl family and imagine this mission to be illegal or even dangerous. I promise you this is not the case.
All I ask is that you help me to keep my memories where they belong. In my head. There are certain forces at work that wish to deprive me of memories that are rightfully mine. These forces would wipe certain facts from my brain that are extremely important, not to mention valuable. Who are these forces? They are magical fairies known as the People. I know what you are thinking:
"This person, Artemis Fowl, has obviously lost his mind. Fairy people! He cannot honestly expect me to believe this nonsense".
It is an understandable reaction. Two years ago I would have reacted exactly the same way. But a lot can change in two years. I have seen greenskinned sprites fly under their own power. I have seen dwarfs use their cavernous mouths to dig tunnels. I have witnessed the healing power of elves, and touched the flank of a noble centaur. These creatures exist. Take my word for it.
But as powerful as these creatures are, they fear one thing: humans. We are the only creatures with the power to overthrow their underground society. Our numbers could subdue even magic. So the People have decided that it is too dangerous to have a human boy with fairy knowledge in his head. Soon they will mindwipe me, and this extraordinary information will disappear. There is one way to stop this happening.
I have entrusted a computer disk to a reprobate dwarf by the name of Mulch Diggums. The disk contains all my knowledge of fairy folk. Of course, the mind wipe will cause me to forget all about the dwarf and the disk. Diggums should bring the disk to me, but common criminals are not to be trusted.
I ask you to get a message to me. The message is simple. Six words only. Artemis Fowl must find Mulch Diggums. Wherever you see one of the faithful clutching this book, repeat those words. The message will spread like a virus across the World, eventually reaching my ears. I will act upon it, putting all my resources into locating the mysterious Mister Diggums. Once I find him, the disk will reactivate all my memories and the knowledge will be mine again. Do this for me and when I rule the World you shall be rewarded. Remember Artemis Fowl must find Mulch Diggums.
Your new friend, Artemis Fowl, the Second.
[edit] Book Four Translation
The coded message along the bottom of Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception reads:
- A recruitment letter from the centaur Foaly, technical consultant to the Lower Elements
- Trusted ally, if you have decoded this Gnommish message, then you are a deputy officer in the Lower Elements Police. You will not be aware of this fact because it is the practice of the LEP to mindwipe our human allies. We do this so they cannot remember being recruited. If you cannot remember the Fairy People, or our underground city, then you cannot betray our existence to the greedy humans. Of course, not all humans are greedy. You, deputy, are a noble member of your species. And clever, too. Our intelligence department studied your file and concluded they you were suitable for LEP membership. At the moment, you are only a deputy officer. To become a fully fledged officer, you must complete four tasks.
-
- Decode this message. Something you are well on your way to completing.
- Save the life of a member of another species. You can complete this task in any number of ways: open a window to release a trapped fly, build a bird bath in your garden, release a mouse from a trap...
- Achieve a perfect score on a school test or homework assignment. In this job, you need to be smart as well as fit.
- Wash yourself every day for a week. This is a difficult assignment, especially for human boys who do not like contact with water. If you are going to work underground, often in cramped tunnels, you will appreciate a partner who does not smell like a hermit dwarf.
- Once you have completed these tasks, you must summon your recruiting officer in the ancient fashion:
-
- Go to your back yard or nearest green area.
- Make sure you are not being watched.
- Find a soft spot of ground and burrow a six inch hole with a broom handle or short stick. When your hole is ready, tap out the letters “L” “E” “P” in horse code:
-
- “L” tap, tap, wiggle, tap, “E”, wiggle, wiggle, tap “P” tap wiggle drill.
-
- Do this at least a hundred times, and our underground sensors will pick up the vibration and send up an LEP officer with your uniform and orders.
- Good luck, deputy!
- Foaly
The front cover of the American copy of [[Artemis Fowl The Opal Deception]] has three separate angled lines, each reading Opal wants revenge in the Gnommish text.
There is a different code in the British 2006 paperback, which talks about the special abilities of the Dwarves:
- There has never been a regulated scientific study of dwarfs' special abilities. What we know about them is based on folklore and hearsay. The most famous of these abilities is the dwarf tunnelling methods by which they eat dirt and air before expelling them out the other end. Though the actual force of this expulsion has never been measured, several witnesses have reported windows breaking more than twenty metres away. It is said that a master recyler can fine-tune his gas emissions so that instead of a widespread blast of flatulent he shoots out a concentrated coloumn of wind. Legend has it that one such master recyler, a certain Blurt Diggums, was so accurate with these coloumns that he could turn on a light switch from the other side of the room.
- Dwarfs themselves use casual terms to refer to the strengh of their gas emissions. A 'Shirt Flapper' is a gentle emission that would barely inflate a child's balloon. A 'Pants Ripper' is a sturdier blast and would certainly blow a hole in even the sturdiest material. A 'Nought to Sixty' is a right whopper and could accelerate whoever dropped it to dangerous speeds. A 'Strap Yourself Down' is about as strong as it gets and could help a dwarf achieve flight. And finally, the legendary 'Dark Side of the Moon', or simply 'Dark Side'. If released on a mountain top, it could put a dwarf into orbit. There is no evidence that a Dark Side is anything more than a myth. All the same, if you see a dwarf on a mountain with a red face, take cover. You can't be too careful around dwarf wind.
The code is then repeated.
Inside the front cover of the British Hardback the rings of gnommish text read: DNA never lies.
[edit] Book Five Translations
The coded message on the front of "Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony"
The Front cover (English version) reads:
"Cracking the code. Very impressive. You are now eligible to hack into the Fowl Mainframe at artemisfowl.co.uk. Best of luck: you'll need it"
The Gnommish across the pages reads:
"The Demon Scrolls tell of a warlock that will come to save our people, but I wouldn't rely too much on the scrolls. They also say that rabbits are the supreme beings and that the best cure for a sore throat is a poultice of dung and old socks. Hence, trust the Scrolls at your peril. There are however a few basic tips for survival in a Demon tribe that might be helpful. If you were a human, say, and had never actually met a Demon, which is unlikely to say the least. If you were a human you wouldn't be able to read this in the first place. So, Demon survival tips. First, never stab a Demon with his own sword. This is the ultimate insult and will result in a vendetta that could go on for generations. It is fine to stab a Demon with your sword; he will congratulate you for managing that, but only poor warriors lose their swords and get stabbed with them. If the opportunity arises give it a miss. Second. Demons have a pretty comprehensive system of sign language in which buttock slapping features heavily. It is very important not to slap the wrong buttock. Never slap someone else's buttock unless they stab you with your own sword; that is considered very bad manners. And learn the difference between the left buttock slap and a right buttock slap. If a passerby aims his buttocks at you and slaps the left one it means that there is a full moon due that evening and he hopes you will join him for the traditional hunt. If he slaps the right buttock it simply means you remind him of his right buttock. You can see where the problems could arise. Finally, never sneeze into your fist. Always allow the sneeze to run free into the air. Medical Demons assure us that the sneeze comprises of millions of tiny flying Demons that zoom around the earth; under they can find a human to land on. When they alight on their host humans they hack into their scalps with tiny axes causing terrible headaches which make the humans easy to defeat in battle. So when a demon sneezes immediately slap your right buttock in the direction of the sneeze so that the tiny Demons can pass on the message to the human they land on."
This message repeats across the bottom of each page.
[edit] The Artemis Fowl Files Translation
On the cover of the U.S. edition, the words Top secret are repeated.
There is a section containing two pages of Gnommish. The translation reads as follows: When a fairy is trapped above ground without magic, it is best to avoid contact with humans. Hide in the shallows of a river, as humans, especially children, do not like to wash themselves. Drape yourself with the skin of a sheep or goat, as humans are often not clever to notice. If you are cornered by a human, slap the ground with the flat of your hand, as this will often frighten the Mud Men away. If this is unsuccessful, admit that you are a fairy, and humans, being cynical creatures will think that you are a friend in a costume, trying to make a fool of them. If all this fails, then ask the human if you could possibly borrow some money and the Mud Men will flee with great speed, and never seek you out again.
Also along the bottom of each page it repeats The Artemis Fowl Files.
At the back of the book, it says, Don't miss the next exciting adventure: artemes fowl: the opal deception.
[edit] Reminders
You must remember that when a squiggle is below the Gnommish letter then it means that the 'e' goes after the English letter. If it is above the Gnommish letter then it means that the 'e' comes before the English letter. Every Gnommish letter corresponds perfectly with a letter of the modern English alphabet, (like a font); it was an interesting puzzle for the reader rather than an attempt to construct a coherent language from scratch.
[edit] D'Arvit
D'Arvit is a Gnommish curse word from the Artemis Fowl series. It is often used in the series to replace real profanity. It is believed to be the Gnommish equivalent to the S-word. In the books it is often used by Commander Julius Root, who is the boss of Holly Short and Foaly.It is also used by Captain Holly Short and by other offending officers(v)
[edit] External links
- A Gnommish font can be downloaded at the Phlegm Pot
- A site that has successfully translated Gnommish
- Download and install the Gnommish, Centaurean and Eternity Code fonts here
- An example of the Gnommish alphabet
