User:Derekjamesmartinez
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== Derek Martinez (the man the myth the legend) ==poop EARLY LIFE ALL OF THIS IS TRUE...NONE OF IT IS A LIE Derek James Martinez, born August 17th 27 B.C Derek was born to an Arabian mother and a father with six toes. His early life was that of many hard ships and despair. Unable to secure the funds necessary for a bus ride out of the sedan where he was born he allowed him to be thrown into with wild world of prostitution. For many years, black men of all ages too advantage of his subtle kindness. After 2 years of hardship, Derek finally acquired the money needed to get out of the Sudan...unfortunaly for him the worst was yet to come. By the age of 10 he had already ran away from home and sold his body for pennies. On his 11th birthday, he began to experiment with hard drugs. His favorite was PCP and Crack cocaine. In order to keep his habit of 300 crack rocks a day Mr. Martinez had to do things even the lowest of human wouldn’t do...use your imagination. Its way to gruesome to tell in this article. Derek was now living in Cuba. Which is rather strange because Cuba was not discovered any time near the year 16 B.C. therefore naturally Derek was the only person on the island. but not for long soon Derek would Secure his place in history by inventing the thong and by sporting his new favorite hair style the "jerry Curl" Because of the success of the thong and wild popularity of the thong, Cuba became the destination of choice for many rich Italians, however Italians were not allowed on the beaches of Cuba after the "spaghetti spill" of 11 B.C. millions of seals and manatees were lost in the endless pollution created by the marinara sauce. A formal Decree was announced by the new president of Cuba, Derek himself. Many things were said in this decree but most notably "Italians Must go" and "Give the boot to those who hail from the boot" of course every one knew he was talking about "those who hail from the boot" as a reference to Italians due to the shape of their country.
By the age of 16, Derek had opened a series of successful bread shops in midtown Havana. Along with his bread shops he also began to competitively compete in pogo stick championship hopping contests, of which he rarely won. He also opened a tennis school where he taught impoverished Cubans the miracles of tennis. Derek Converted to Christianity in 3 B.C. which is rather remarkable considering Christ was not yet born at the time. This obviously makes him the first and longest practicing christen the world has ever seen. However, Derek completely ruined his chances at being a disciple during his interview for this position with Jesus. Although matters of his inability to get the position as 12th disciple are debatable, it is believed that Derek had unintentionally offended Jesus saying, “There is egg in your beard”. Derek Later said, “I guess the son of god is just a little sensitive about that sort of thing”. Derek Never got the job and it was passed along to Judas. Judas was later fired from his position for leaking sensitive information to the feds about Jesus’ tax records. Yes contrary to popular belief, Jesus evaded his Taxes and that led to his Crusification. Derek offered to pay Jesus’ taxes however Jesus refused the offer saying, he would rather be crucified than accept the money of a Spaniard. Jesus won in the end though. He eventually rose from the dead and successfully got away with tax evasion. Well…there may be two things u can count on in life Taxes and Death…I guess if u are Jesus none apply to you…Derek and Jesus maintained close ties in Christ’s afterlife. Derek Even got Jesus a shoe deal in Havana. The shoe AIR JESUS sold millions within the 1st hour of release. Because of Derek’s ingenious Marketing campaigns, Shoe sales sharply increased and they had a very successful 4th quarter due to holiday sales. What better gift to give on Christmas that one designed by the founder of Christmas himself. Jesus shoes promised those who wore them the power to walk on water. Subsequently the corporation failed when the family of a boy sued the company when their son attempted to walk across the Atlantic Ocean with his AIR JESUS shoes and died. The company was ruined and Jesus’ legacy was tainted. Derek and Jesus worked together on many other projects including Crackers what were called BOD…the name was lengthend by Europeans and later named “body of Christ”. With this new product Derek And Jesus both became wealthy beyond their years. Derek and Jesus remain close friends to this day.
