Cultural references to masturbation

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Masturbation, mainly male masturbation, has long been the subject of humour. Even in the early 20th century, Mail Pouch tobacco advertisements in some cases featured a boy baby reaching into his diaper, with the caption, "He's found his mail pouch."

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[edit] Celebrities

In 1879, Mark Twain gave a humorous talk at the Stomach Club in Paris entitled Some Thoughts on the Science of Onanism, which concluded with the thought "If you must gamble your lives sexually, don't play a lone hand too much." This talk was not published until 1943.

Some famous wits have commented on masturbation, as in P. J. O'Rourke's quote: "Sophisticated persons masturbate without compunction. They do it for reasons of health, privacy, thrift and because of the remarkable perfection of invisible partners."

[edit] Literature

In Chapter Nine of James Joyce's masterpiece Ulysses, the character Malachi "Buck" Mulligan reveals a short play he has been working on: Every Man His Own Wife or A Honeymoon in the Hand, (a national immorality in three orgasms) with characters such as Toby Tostoff (a ruined Pole), Crab (a bushranger), and Medical Dick.

In A Confederacy of Dunces, Ignatius Reilly frequently masturbates, ruminates and reads in his room.

According to one biography, Allen Ginsberg came up with the idea for his celebrated poem "Howl" while masturbating with a broom.

The narrator of Samuel Beckett's "The End" discusses the merits of scratching over masturbation.

Dorothy Parker reportedly said she had a parrot she named "Onan" because it was always "spilling its seed".

Sam Shepard's play, Cowboy Mouth, has the female lead discuss the first time she put her finger inside herself and was "filled with wonderment".

Kobo Abe's novels frequently have his first person protagonist mentioning rubbing his penis against something.

Peter Hedges's What's Eating Gilbert Grape frequently depicts Gilbert spitting in his hands and masturbating. At one point he is caught masturbating in the bathtub by his sister.

[edit] Film

Woody Allen, in the film Annie Hall, asserts "Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love." Also, in the film Love and Death, Woody has a wild off-screen, 5-minute encounter with a countess; she tells him, "That was some of the greatest sex I ever had!" and he answers, "Well, I practice a lot when I'm alone." In Hannah and Her Sisters, Mia Farrow's character suggests that their inability to conceive may be a result of Woody's excessive masturbation, to which Woody responds, "Now you're gonna start knocking my hobbies?" In Hollywood Ending his character states "For me, the nicest thing about masturbation is afterward, the cuddling time."

In recent years, there have been many masturbation jokes in movies, such as in American Pie, where the pie (more or less of the title) is used as a masturbation object to generate humor. The characters believe that by masturbating with a pie, one can imitate a vagina. A famous scene in There's Something About Mary has Ben Stiller "cleaning the pipes" before a big date to calm his nerves.

In Fight Club, Tyler Durden states that "Self improvement is masturbation."

In the film Saint Ralph, Ralph is frequently caught masturbating in such places as the front lawn (using the lawnmower as a kind of vibrator) and in the pool

In Neil Labute's 1999 film Your Friends & Neighbors, masturbation is an important theme that develops to accumulate in a humorous ending for one of the characters. The phrase "Is it me?" is a motivic question, and a metaphor for both sexual and social insecurity, and self-centeredness, repeated by almost all the characters in varying situations. An unnamed corporate executive played by Aaron Eckhart imposes discussion of his own masturbation on an intern during a lunch in his office. "The best I've ever had?" he speculates to his silent guest, "that would have to be me." When the intern appears incredulous, he continues "don't get me wrong, my wife is great and everything, but...no one makes me come like I do." Later scenes make clear however that the character is unable to please his wife, or excite her much, and comforts himself with masturbation, in what appears to be a "distant second" next-best option. When their relationship eventually dissolves, the character finds himself alone in a hotel room, unable to ejaculate, calling out in frustration, to his own genitals, "Come on! What's going on?" etc., and then finally "Is it me?"

The French film Marquis depicts the Marquis de Sade having a debate with his penis while masturbating.

In Tsai Ming-liang's What Time Is It There?, the mother has a room that is a shrine to her deceased husband, where she goes and lies on a bed, rubbing a tall wicker basket between her legs.

In Jane Campion's The Piano, Flora (Anna Paquin) is punished when Māori children teach her to masturbate by straddling a fallen tree.

In Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the character Brad Hamilton is caught masturbating in the bathroom after a hard day at work.

[edit] Television

An old urban legend claims that the children's program, Captain Pugwash, featured sexual references. One character was assumed to be called "Master Bates". This was however untrue, since his name was "Master Mate".

The Nickelodeon cartoon Rocko's Modern Life frequently slipped in jokes about masturbation and other lewd acts which eluded the censors. The most obvious masturbation joke in the show is the restaurant chain "Chokey Chicken" (which was later renamed to "Chewy Chicken" after the censors understood the joke.)

Monty Python's Flying Circus once featured the Summarize Proust Competition sketch wherein Terry Jones asks Graham Chapman about his hobbies. Chapman answers: "golf, strangling animals and masturbating." This last word was censored by the BBC when the episode was first broadcast in 1972, and can still be seen in this edited version on some broadcasts, videos and DVDs.

One of the most famous discussions of masturbation in recent popular culture took place on the television show Seinfeld. In an episode named "The Contest", the four main characters made a bet as to which one could go the longest without masturbating. The episode coined the phrase "master of your domain" to refer to a person who can resist the temptation to masturbate. This episode wound up winning an Emmy Award. Interestingly, there is no direct reference to masturbation throughout the episode, relying on innuendo and euphemism in its place.

In one episode of That 70's Show, Donna catches Eric masturbating in her bathroom. After several expected jokes, bad puns, and advice, they talk about the event. This ends with Eric standing up and shouting "You do it too!".

The TV show Family Guy makes references to masturbation in at least three episodes, one in which Brian is caught masturbating in the bathroom on the toilet to what appears to be pornography with dogs. Another reference is in an episode which shows mayor Adam West marrying his right hand. In another, a Non sequitur cutaway depicts John Boy Walton of The Waltons caught masturbating.

In Saturday Night Live, Bernadette Peters once sang a song called "Making Love on Your own", a clear reference to masturbation.

In Roseanne, When Darlene tells Roseanne and Dan that D.J. has been locking himself in the bathroom for hours at a time and Roseanne and Dan discover he's been masturbating while in the bathroom. Jackie later states "It's not like we all didn't do it!".

[edit] Music

Humorous songs have been written about masturbation, such as Chuck Berry's hit song, "My Ding-a-Ling". This song has no sexually explicit lyrics, but has been interpreted as being a double entendre: "This here song / it ain't so bad / the cutest little song / you ever had / Those of you / who will not sing / you must be playin' / with your own ding-a-ling!" It was in Berry's playlist for years, but was not committed to vinyl until 1972, whereupon it shot to number 1 on the Billboard chart.

Some other musical references to masturbation are:

  • Kevin Bloody Wilson's song "I gave up wanking"
  • the song "I Touch Myself" by Divinyls, sung in one of the final scenes in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery;
  • the Cyndi Lauper song "She Bop";
  • "Pink Thing" by the British new wave group XTC (which some argue is about his newborn son);
  • "The Sun and the Rain" by the British ska band Madness (according to sleeve notes);
  • the Gary Numan song "Everyday I die";
  • The Darkness's song "Holding My Own";
  • Frankie Goes to Hollywood's song "Relax";
  • (allegedly) The Posies album title "Frosting On The Beater";
  • Green Day's song "Longview";
  • the 1970s song "Imaginary Lover" by Atlanta Rhythm Section
  • the Nerf Herder song "Doin' Laundry".
  • "Dancing With Myself" by Billy Idol is also alleged to be about masturbation.
  • On the Oscar-winning Purple Rain soundtrack, Prince sings "I knew a girl named Nikki/I guess you could say she was a sex fiend/I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine." in his song "Darling Nikki." This upset future Second Lady Tipper Gore.
  • John Lennon mentions masturbation in the song "Give Peace A Chance"; the lyric sheet was changed to "mastication" (chewing) to keep the record from being banned.
  • In another song, "I Found Out", Lennon chastises people who idly "sit there/ with your cock in your hand." The lyrics on this were changed to "axe", slang for guitar.
  • In 1990, rap group Digital Underground released "Sex Packets." The title track concerns a pill that will give men a sexual fantasy. The rapper states, "No more will I ever have to jack it/ 'Cuz instead, I can just take a packet."
  • Donovan's song "Young Girl Blues" includes the lines "Yourself you touch, but not too much / You've heard it's degrading."
  • One of Billy Joel's early tunes, "Captain Jack", contains the line "Your sister's gone out, she's on a date.You just sit at home, and masturbate."
  • Jackson Browne's song "Rosie" is written from the perspective of a rock & roll roadie who always loses the girl to a member of the band but finds solace by singing, "looks like it's me and you again tonight, Rosie..." ("Rosie" or "Rosie Palmer" being a reference to the hand).
  • The song "It's Only Me (The Wizard of Magicland)" by the Barenaked Ladies is likely about masturbation, containing lines such a ,"I'm the me in monogamy" and "It's only natural, It's only me".
  • The Violent Femmes song "Blister In The Sun" was widely believed to be about masturbation; however the songwriter disputes this claim.
  • An early Fleetwood Mac song, "Rattlesnake Shake"
  • The Jellyfish song, "He's My Best Friend", from the album Spilt Milk.
  • Two songs by The Who, Pictures of Lily and Mary-Ann With The Shaky Hand
  • "Turning Japanese" by The Vapors is popularly thought to be about masturbation, although it is unclear if this was intended by the band.
  • Despite seemingly limitless potential double entendres, it is probable that the Sesame Street song "Put Down the Ducky" is not about masturbation.
  • "Weird Al" Yankovic's song "One More Minute" contains the line "'Cause I'm stranded all alone at the gas station of love and I have to use the self-service pumps."
  • Jethro Tull's song "Roll Yer Own" on the album Catfish Rising is specifically about female masturbation.
  • The song "If You C Jordan" by Something Corporate includes a line about masturbation, used to mock a rival of the lead singer ("You tried to fight me down at Tylers Beach and man I think thats great, you said to yell at me like I do at all the girls and you drove home real quick, did you make it in time to masturbate?").
  • The song Get A Grip by Semisonic.
  • The Bruce Springsteen song Blinded by the Light contains references to masturbation in the following lines. "And some fresh-sown moonstone was messin' with his frozen zone to remind him of the feeling of romance." -Blinded by the Light, Bruce Springsteen, 1972;
  • the A Perfect Circle song "Thinking Of You"
  • U + Ur Hand by P!nk.
  • A.D.I.D.A.S. by KoRn.
  • Icicle by Tori Amos: "And when my hand touches myself/ I can finally rest my head./ And when they take from his body/ I think I'll take from mine instead."
  • Getting Off by KoRn.
  • Jerk It Out by the Caesars/Caesars Palace


There are much older songs on the subject, including this old parody on the classic tune "Funiculì Funiculà":

Last night, I lay my head upon my pillow,
But stayed up late, to masturbate.
Last night, I lay myself upon my bed, but
I stayed awake, for pleasure's sake.
You should see me working on the short strokes,
It's really grand, I use my hand;
You should see me working on the long strokes,
It's really neat, I use my feet.
Smash it! Bash it! Pound it on the floor!
Smite it! Bite it! Ram it through the door!
Oh, it's so neat to beat your meat while sitting on the toilet seat,
Isn't life divine,
Funiculì, funiculà.

In 2002, R&B singer Tweet released a song called Oops (Oh My). The lyrics seemed to have small hints of masturbation.

In 2003, American pop singer Britney Spears released in her In the Zone album, which included a song entitled "Touch of My Hand". The song contains blatant references to masturbation. The lyrics are as follows: "'Cause I just discover / Imagination's taking over / Another day without a lover / The more I come to understand / The touch of my hand" [...] "I'm all in my skin / And I'm not gonna wait / I'm into myself in the most precious way". On her Onyx Hotel World tour, the performance for the song, showed Spears "dancing" naked covered with diamonds in a hot-tub, while her backup dancers were in underwear touching all over in their own beds. Also, in the In The Zone DVD, Britney said that it was something natural for people to do, that she had done it, and that she recorded the song intentionally to see the reaction of the media.

[edit] Stand-up comics and popular humor

The apparently addictive nature of masturbation has also been the subject of humour. Lenny Bruce, who was well-acquainted with addictions, had this bit of advice: "If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't 'taper off'. You've got to quit, cold jerky!"

There are many popular jokes about masturbation. In one such joke, a person says, "Meet my lover," then simply reaches out as if to shake hands.

Comedian Richard Jeni has made countless jokes about masturbation, claiming he is "the best he has ever had." He claims that 90% of men masturbate, the other 10% have no arms (60% of women masturbate, the other 40% expect people to believe it takes that long to take a bath). Father Guido Sarducci calls masturbation a "cheap sin" and in his "Vitam Est Lavoro" lecture predicts that God will charge practitioners 35c per session.

Comedian Lewis Black, in discussing health, concluded there are only two basic rules of health. This second rule is that if you masturbate twenty times a day, you'll never make it out the door. Another popular joke is that 95% of men masturbate, the other 5% are lying

[edit] Video games

Grand Theft Auto 2 - There is a pickup truck in the game known as the U-Jerk Truck.

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas - There is a character in the game known as Maccer from the fictional Love Fist band (which itself may be a double entendre). He has a chronic masturbation problem. This is brought up quite frequently, and even becomes a joke between C.J. (the game's protagonist) and Sweet (his brother).

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