Wikipedia:Bad jokes and other deleted nonsense/Surviving Bears
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Please do not delete this article. We need it for a presentation on 9/29/05. Afterwards we'll take it down.
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Simply put, the most dangerous animal in universe! Bears are large, omnivorous land animals. Seen most commonly in woodland areas or the northern polar regions. There are many different kinds of bears all over the world and are perceived with many different connotations. In America, a popular stuffed animal is the "Teddy Bear." It comforts infants and is often used as a security blanket to many. However, almost every culture protrays bears as ferocious beasts that will rip you apart and destroy your home and village. It is for this reason that every should know how to protect themselves against bears.
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One method that hippies all around America promote is the idea that you should stand your ground and not move. Make no motions to challenge the massive creature. This method almost never works. You will surely die a horrible and indecent death.
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The nose is the most sensitive part on a bear's body. It is believed that a blow to the nose is many times worse than being hit in the crotch.
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The laws of physics dictate that the heavy body of the bear will not be able to keep balance or speed compared to you while moving downhill. Therefore, this is a perfect opportunity for you to escape.
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In the absence of a hill and the presence of another person, run towards that person outrun them. The bear is a rather lethargic animal and will take out its rage on whoever it catches.
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One of the most effective methods of surviving a bear encounter is to take its cub hostage. The parent bear will not risk injury to its offspring and will willingly bargain for the cubs life.
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You can also shoot it in the head.
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Sometimes you will find yourself without any of the pervious options. In this case, pray to your god and/or deity to smote the bear with their great hand of vengeance. If your deity/god takes the form of a bear it is best not to ask it to destroy one in its own image. Chances are you would get smote instead of the bear.
If your god/deity doesn't respond to you; you may consider converting to another faith that will be willing to kill the bear for you.
[edit] What Not to do
Do not attempt to feed the bears. It will send forth its many legions of chipmunk minions to turn you into its eternal slave.
Do not climb a tree. Standing upright at 7 feet. The bear will light the tree on fire with its laser eyes.
